Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

God they sound infuriating. Just be blunt with them.

"Yes Auntie Joan you've made it abundantly clear you are upset we aren't giving you a free holiday but it's tiresome. I've explained my reasons and you are being childish because you've not got your own way. Are you able to drop it? If not I'm afraid I just can't put up with visits from you any longer"

You can choose not to let family use your second home. But you can’t be surprised that they are put out by that and make the odd remark.

What relation are they to you? I would certainly let parents/siblings use it .

so you think family are entitled to have what’s yours? If dh and I are out in one car, should family be able to demand the keys of the other car to have as “we’re not using it”?

You don’t have to let them use it. To me part of the joy of having a second home would be being able to share it with family, especially those who would otherwise struggle to afford a holiday, but we’re all different and it’s your house.

can’t be surprised about the odd dig, but doesn’t mean you have to give in.

It’s not just the odd remark, they raise it a lot. I would not expect to use someone else’s home so I am surprised. If they asked and accepted us saying no, fine, but they haven’t accepted being told no.

I didn’t say they were entitled to it. I’m saying their disappointment is not particularly surprising.

It’s still really new to you, and you’ll be thinking about how best to use the space, whether any work needs doing, keeping on top of maintenance which can be an issue in a part time home, etc

It’s the kind of thing you might have liked to offer at some point, rather than it just being expected. An obligation rather than a favour.

I think they're rude to be saying it, but I don't think there are many saints that wouldn't be thinking it.

This is exactly why people hate second home owners.

Not only are you not living in the community and using the property as a home, you're not allowing others to use it and contribute to the local economy. For the local community it's the worst of both worlds. A house effectively being hoarded and under utilised for a large portion of the year.

It doesn't make any difference that you intend to live there at some point in the future, you're planning on under using a house for a period of time whilst there is a national housing shortage.

Thankfully the government is cracking down on second homes and making sure they contribute more meaningfully to the community economically.

If you're relatives are struggling to have holidays, why not be generous of spirit and let them. If you chose not to that is of course your choice but don't be surprised if they reassess your character and their relationship with you.

Why? It’s poor manners for them to keep bringing it up. I would certainly be surprised if my family repeatedly displayed such poor manners.

I can’t believe how rude they’re being. I could imagine MAYBE asking if you’d be open to lending it out but if you said no I would be embarrassed I asked.

Meh, I’d be telling them to do one. If they had brought it up when I was also giving them cake I’d have taken it straight back and said actually no, we can’t share after all, oh well! I wouldn’t be putting up with them being passive aggressive!!

Is it sitting empty most of the time OP? If so, I can kind of understand your family members feeling that's a waste. Of course they shouldn't make rude remarks though.

The remark about the cake was funny and perfectly pitched tbf. I wouldn’t have been able to resist it myself.

I can't understand not letting them use it but then that's just what I do with mine. Family are welcome to use it. I have my stuff there too.
But if you don't want them to use it then maybe you should just explain it one last time and say you don't want to hwar about it again. But don't expect them to be happy about it!

Perhaps they're too working class? I mean obviously the home has been bought to stop actual people who actually live in the 'picturesque' area actually living there. I'm amazed anyone admits to hoovering up homes nowadays

I agree with this. Second homes sitting empty for most of the year are quite devastating for rural and coastal communities. At least if people are there more often they contribute the economy. It still adds to the problem of pricing local people out of their local area but at least businesses might benefit.

Its our home, not a holiday let

No one is entitled to use someone elses property or belongings!!!

OP shouldnt expect someone to make remarks, odd or not. It is a surprise that someone is put out by that. Are you surprised your neighbour is put out by not being able to use your garden tools at will or your car or your bathroom?

Everyone I know with a second home/holiday flat let's their friend/family use it, normally for mates rates -- it helps cover the utilities etc. i wouldn't EXPECT to be offered a holiday but you are being quite selfish IMO. Unless there's a huge backstory about them repeatedly trashing Airbnbs or something... This is the consequence of your choices, suck it up 🤷🏻‍♀️

Disappointment when initially told it cant be used is to be expected, yes. But to be eternally disappointed and keep letting the OP know it, is childish and entitled.

One set of parents, siblings on both sides, aunts and uncles, cousins, nephew. If they all had use of it, it would drastically cut down the amount of time we could use it and also stop the spontaneity of us being able to just decide we’re going for a week or a long weekend when we have the opportunity to.

If we let the parents who are asking to use it, we would have to let the other set of parents who are split up so that’s 3 separate times needed. Then siblings, that another 5 separate times. Then if we let parents and siblings and not the rest, that would cause problems. If they had their way, between them they would use the house for months. They all just think it’s just a week or two though but times that by lots of them and it doesn’t feel like our home.

It's not though is it.

They have a primary home. This is a second home used for holidays.

People can easily see through that tenuous assertion very easily.

I have a second home and I have always shared it with family and friends . I would much rather someone is getting joy from it than it stands empty . Everyone has always been respectful and careful and love the place and the incredible views . I was lucky enough to buy it from money left to me by my mum - and feel she would have approved of the use of her inheritance . Unfortunately due to the now double council tax my pension will no longer stretch that far. So no free holidays for friends and the local restaurants and attractions will not have our business .