Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

Incredibly entitled. It says something about society that a number of posters think that its ok for these family members to mither on about it and be upset and expect to use it. Not on at all.

Maybe they should suck up the consequence of not having a second home which is that you don’t get to go to one.

Hopefully you can sell it to someone who will actually live in it though, which will be better overall for the local economy.

I see it differently to other posters.

You've bought your future home. You've already said that you'll relocate at some point. To you, it's not a holiday let.

They (your family) see it as free holiday accommodation.

Keep saying no.

I find it very surprising. And unfortunately very indicative of the “you’ve got it, I want it, so you have to give it to me, because that’s “fair” bullshit mentality that a lot of people have now.
FWIW, we had a second home and we did let friends and family use it. I absolutely wouldn’t have done if they’d just expected it though.

Wow, you’re a lovely person. Not everyone is very wealthy and can afford a second home or would morally agree with pricing locals out of their own local area.

No. We use it a lot with our teen children and our adult children use it separately as well.

Yeah parents what have they ever done for you!!!! How dare they want a free week by the sea 😂

There are 52 weeks in a year, if you say to them "you can have the choice of these dates in the off season" then you can do a lovely kind thing for your family while you're at work (because this is your SECOND home) and still have all the holidays and most weekends to flit down if you feel like it 😉

My answer was appropriate for a pp telling me to suck it up.

Well done for embracing the stereotype of second homers 🙄

OP, you are not unreasonable to say no.

I would have to say that if the snidey comments and complaints don’t stop, you will reduce the amount you see of family members.

They want what you have worked hard for. If you don’t want to share, that’s fine.

I'm wth you OP.

Just because you have done well and saved or whatever, and now you have this thing which others do not, does not mean they get to make mean comments to you and demand to use your thing.

I am really territorial. I had a shit childhood and didn't even have a bedroom. I was then eternally a lodger, saving up in the box room, understanding that 'it is tea time, of course the owner of the house is making the family dinner, and they will clear out of the kitchen at 2000, and then I get my turn.'

Always on the back foot.

When I got the keys to my first flat, I couldn't believe how territorial I was. I remember inviting silly men around and realising how much they were irritating me, and I learned to stand up and say 'Well! LOVELY to have you, thank you so much for coming!' and see them out.

MY house. I get to decide, at last.

So I get what you are saying - this is an extension of your house and you want to use it how you want to use it. I would not appreciate people thinking it is theirs, feeling entitled to your things and giving you shit when you do not give them your things.

No one can demand it, but if family were in need of the use of a car and I had a spare one not being used at the time, I would certainly let them use it, and TBH I'd be put out if it wasn't offered if I was without a car.

Well... Your clearly a horrible person aren't you. How selfish not to share your possessions. I bet you don't use your white goods 24/7 do you? And it's never even occurred to you to offer a laundrette service to friends and family? Did you force them to have to buy their own washing machine? Dear god! Well so long as you have a communinal air fryer between your siblings we'll forgive you.

I'll be using your car and laptop tomorrow, that's ok isn't it? It's nice to share isn't it. I'm not a cheeky fucker at all. Actually it would all be a lot easier for everyone if you just gave me a couple of grand so I could book my own holiday. I know you have a spare house, but I'd prefer the equivalent value in a Spanish all inclusive.
Thanks babe x

I mean this has been done to death on here. Firstly its not very likely in a lot of these 'picturesque' areas that 'locals' can afford the property even if there were no second home owners because there isnt commutable work that pays enough for this.
Secondly a lot of second homes arent the sort of home you live in permanently although OP's might be, generally they're very small cottages that have no parking and very little about them except to provide a bolt hole or cute airbnb

Thirdly, lack of houses being built where people actually need to live is what prices people out of the market, along with huge lending multiples that pushed prices up. Simple as that

If all the second home owners from the UK (not including those Russians and Chinese that hold a lot of luxury housing stock in cities) sold their bijou cottages, it wouldnt make a dent at all in house prices for locals.

Well this is what you tell them, if we say yes to you we'd have to say yes to Rita, Sue and Bob too and that would equate to at least 15 weeks a year, we're using it very regularly and we want to be fair, so won't say yes to some family and no to others.

Now if you'd bought a 2nd property with the budget figuring in that you'd be renting it out as holiday accommodation for a minimum number of weeks per year to ensure you can pay its running costs then I'd be saying yanbu because every family freebie holiday in those circumstances is a week of income you are losing, and it's very cheeky to ask or expect that.

But you just want it to stand empty when you aren't using it, which actively damages the local economy and means that when you eventually do retire there it will be to a place that is much worse off due in part to your contributing, along with others like you, to so many properties standing empty.

It's easy enough to fit out a holiday home to have your private things locked away. The one we stayed in most recently, each bedroom had a fitted wardrobe that had been adapted to have half the space empty for the use of paying stayers and the other half locked for the belongings of the usual occupants. If you adapt this place like that and start renting it out in order to help bring more tourist £££ to the local economy then you can offer family a mates-rates discount but be firm about no freebies and they can only have the leftover pickings if a week hasn't been booked up by a full-paying guest. You can blank out a week a month for your own visits and plan to be there regularly yourself, but deliberately keeping it empty most of the time just so you can drop in at a whim and don't need to plan is pure selfishness.

Really? If one of my family had a second home I wouldn’t dream of supposing they’d lend it out.

Maybe they should suck up the consequence of not having a second home which is that you don’t get to go to one

Imagine if everyone had a second home. Oh wait ...

Well more fool you, I wouldnt do anything that affected any insurances or was something someone could damage that costs a lot of money.

Same with the house, whats the insurance implications of someone else in the house?

Mumsnet is a mad place sometimes!! She doesn’t want to let anyone use it!! It’s her home she can do what she wants. End of story. It doesn’t matter what you would all do! Fgs

I always think the practicalities are more difficult than people think in this type of situation. Who cleans the place? Before and after? I don’t mind cleaning my own bathroom as I go along, but wouldn’t feel as relaxed if others were using it or had used it before me. Who changes the bed linen? (Again - I’m happy to rock up and climb into my own used sheets, but, much as I love him, not ones my FIL has slept in!). Who washes the towels? Takes the bins out? I know all of these things can be sorted by employing a cleaner - but who pays for the cleaner before and after these family visits? I think these things sound very easy and can actually be a nightmare - usually for the woman whose house it is…..

Incredibly entitled to buy a second home - that’s where the entitlement starts.

Sounds like saying no to all is the best option. Had this and let a close friend stay and then she asked if her cousin and family could stay for free - people get cheeky!

Plus do they expect you to foot all the bills? Heating, water etc? What about leaving it clean and sheets/towels cleaning?

Some people just live for freebies.

Same thing if you won the lottery, they’d all come knocking.

I expect nothing from no one. No disappointments.

You aren’t unreasonable.