Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

well I can count on the fingers of both hands, excluding thumbs, the number of people whose opinion of my character I care about.

Yeah - if you're the sort of person who wouldn't even loan your neighbour your lawnmower, or a family member in need a loan or just some money then I suppose it is......

Erm ok, right you are. I won’t buy the imaginary house then. Hope that helps 👍

Who do you think should have had it in a decent state of repair before putting it on the market?

What’s with the entitlement? My god if you’d bought a tent would they want to use that? Caravan? Car? Oh I’ve bought a swimming pool, it’s a free for all, shame the pool is only 3 feet wide and 1 foot deep.
this annoys me so much! Why do family think someone buying something opens the door for them to take the mick?
say no! If it’s somewhere you just want to pack up and go to every weekend tell them this, it’s not open season. You’ve worked to be able to do this, they haven’t.
I do get the second home problem though and would try to get there as often as possible with the view to moving in sooner rather than later.

We have a second home OP, again we don’t rent out it’s just for our use. We do allow close family to use I through; parents and siblings and some cousins who travel from Scotland. We don’t allow others to use it though when we know we’re going to be there. I won’t book out time in the school holiday as that’s when we like to use it and come and go as we please and I don’t let them book months in advance incase we want to go so it’s more short term and ad hoc. However, when we’re abroad or we know we definitely can’t go we do allow others to use it. Our family are fairly low income so we appreciate they’re able to get a holiday and enjoyment from it, especially when it would otherwise we stood empty.

I can see why you wouldn’t want that though and feel more territorial. Personally, we’ve never had any issues with family and the house is always left spotless with them taking their own bedding, towels, butter, teabags etc. We don’t ask for any £££ but we often find a small contribution of around £20/30 in the fruit bowl.

Ultimately, it’s a big expense and your property and you should do what you feel comfortable with.

I'm very old but have learned a lot about 'boundaries' since being on Mumsnet.
If my ancient memory serves me correctly, OP asked if, having set a boundary, she was being unreasonable to expect family to accept it but they were continually making digs.
The discussions about second homes, holiday homes, love and trust of family and friends has been interesting but does anyone really think OP is unreasonable to expect to have her decisions, whether people think they are right, moral, kind, etc. accepted and not have her family continue to gribble about the decision?

(I must stop trying to expect rational posts.....🙄)

and again, need the laugh emoji

I do like "gribble". I know some world-class gribblers

We have snuck off to ours tonight to work from home here -(Aka start early, finish early Tomo and Friday )
The Ceramic hob is chipped slightly on the edge which I didn’t notice. I’ve used the ring closest and the whole side has cracked upwards with the heat.
Sent the text out on family chat and surprise nobody knows when happened or who dropped something heavy on it

Out solution is that anyone has set foot here needs to chip in ( I will make enquires tomo and I don't think will be cheap) Anyone who doesn’t want to contribute won’t come again

Its a faff to be fair sigh…

Ive had a second home in the UK for about 30 years that’s used for about 4-6 weeks of the year. The fact I now pay double council tax on it hasn’t made me break out in a sweat and it’s certainly not made me think of renting it out or selling up. From what I know it’s only one of 10 second homes in our entire borough (it’s not a tourist area) and I wish the council all the luck in the world building even one home anytime soon with the very small additional income they’re generating with 10 lots of double council tax.

You don’t sound very nice op.

Because it's none of the family's business that the OP has a second home.

I had a time share in Scotland, and didn't tell any of my family. Why should I?

Besides what's the family going to do, when the OP says they've sold it? Are they going to do (and pay for) a Land Registry check just to prove that they were lying?

I think you need to say, ‘it’s really like our home from home so would take a lot of clearing up etc, like when you’re off to France next week would you be happy for us to go and stay in your main home when you’re not using it?’ Then they’ll start to understand the work they’re asking of you

What a lot of work for op she doesn’t want to run a business she just wants a home.

Op I wouldn’t dream of asking to use someone’s home when they are not there: and if I did I would ask them if they’d consider renting it to me/at least offer to cover cost of mortgage and bills and the cleaner that week. Not just letting me stay there but not spend time with them.

It’s not ‘in the family’. It belongs to OP and her husband, it isn’t communal property.

They can afford holidays, they just want free ones in OP’s house and are sulking because she said no. All the accusations of selfishness leveled at OP, as if it’s not her family displaying selfish and grabby tendencies.

I do have a second home, yes.

Address it directly and respectfully next time a comment is made: “I hear that you’re unhappy that you can’t use our home for your holidays, but that decision is final and it’s hurtful you keep raising it. Please stop “. After that if it comes up, just say “I’m not discussing that you want to use our home for your holidays” and move on to another subject

Far better to pay for it yourself and use this as why it will no longer be available.

That you have had a blanket denial and no one has offered to share the cost, tells you everything about how your generosity is viewed.

Using this as your get out clause is the clever play here IMO.