Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

It's not the only point that matters. It's the only point you claim to care about. 'Our house' means more than our family, our good relationship, our ability to share the joy in being able to afford a second home.

To me, it is bafflingly materialistic to care about that above all things. It's perfectly understandable not to want them to be cheeky fuckers or to take advantage of you. But blocking out a few weeks each year for family use is not going to affect you at all. You say there are several sets of parents and siblings - but you wouldn't have to accommodate all of them every year. If you block out a month a year then four of those groups could have a week each and the following year four more.

If the dates dont suit them, tough, but you would have offered.

Why should she. She has already said she doesn’t care if this affects the relationship. …..oh I know, because “be kind” well fuck that

Put all your private stuff in a locked cupboard and let them use it! Family are precious. Maybe they can’t afford a holiday. I’d be annoyed too if there was an empty home in the family just sitting there empty. You could always charge them a small price to borrow it. See how it goes. If they leave it clean and tidy then no problem

It’s easy for people to talk about sharing when the possession isn’t theirs to share! I would just say no we’re not using it as a holiday home please don’t ask again.

So you share everything with your family? Your house when you're away, your car everything? Otherwise my word you are selfish.

Sure! I was discussing your behaviour in relation to this issue. Why would I discuss anything else?

I personally cannot imagine for the life of me having a holiday home lying empty for much of the year and not allowing my own parents and siblings to make use of it. I do think that's remarkably selfish.

The excuse that seems to be carrying the most weight is that it's "your home". Well yes and no. It's your second home - empty for much of the time. Either way, over the years I've had parents, family and friends stay in my (only) home when I've been away on holiday/ for work etc. The logic being simply - I had space I wasn't using, that could be really useful to someone else and they are my family. We share. To me this is the proper way to behave.

No! 😂

You would just have to be annoyed then wouldn’t you because it’s not your home.

They can afford holidays. Most of them have more holidays than we do and spend more on them. A couple of our siblings spend about £20k + a year on their holidays. If we had done that, we couldn’t have bought our home. We have sacrificed things to be in a position to buy a second home that will hopefully be the house we live in forever.

But to the OP she wants to behave differently.

I get that you're putting forward your point of view, but now you've done that several times, including telling the OP is selfish (we have all heard and understood you by now) I don't know why you're still harping on it.

And you have no idea if this house will be 'lying empty for much of the year'.

Oh, and it's not an 'excuse' it's the OP's preference/reason.

What I said was So you ascribe selfish behaviour to the OP.
Selfish behaviour.
Exactly as you said.

Because context matters. When someone doesn’t display selfish behaviour in their life generally and is generous with their time and money, then saying their behaviour is selfish just because they don’t want to share one thing, is stupid. You didn’t bother to find out whether I help with other things or if I am generally generous with them. It makes you look silly. You have also gone on and on and on with calling my behaviour certain names. That behaviour starts to look like an attack.

Our home won’t be empty for most of the year. We have used it a lot and we and our adult children will continue to do so. The next time it will be empty for more than a week will be November.

Your persistent personal attacks don’t seem like the ‘proper’ way to behave to me. It seems rude, nasty and verging on bullying.

Thanks - I’m painfully aware of this. This isn’t the issue here though. It’s the second home owners who largely keep their houses empty for the majority of the year - thus barely contributing to the economy at all and hugely contributing to the slow death of smaller rural communities - ironically the ones they apparently love enough to buy houses there.

I have no issue with holiday lets (well, a much lesser issue then). These homes are utilised much more, people come to our communities and spend in our shops, cafes and attractions. They help fuel the economy and provide much needed jobs. A house that’s empty for 48 out of 52 weeks of the year is criminal. And the owners who seem to think they are ‘welcomed’ into communities for the few weeks a year that they’re here are fooling themselves.

Also, I don’t see anything wrong with wanting, or even expecting to be able to afford a home in the community I grew up in. Yes, it’s beautiful and scenic - so what? How is that relevant? It’s not the reason I want to be here. The real reason I want to stay here is it’s because it’s my home. My family, my memories, my history are here. Plenty of people I grew up with chose to leave, plenty want to stay. Why is it a bad thing to want to stay where you grew up? The scenery is irrelevant.

I just don't understand why anyone would purposely be that selfish by choice.
The OP is being 'selfish' if that's the word you're using for reasons she has stated clearly, including wanting to be spontaneous about the house, not wanting to worry about keeping personal possessions there, the family not contributing to Christmas and them making sarky comments about 'sharing'.

That is her 'thinking' about the issue.

I fail to see why you would not understand that, even if you think you would act differently.

EDITED typos

I can’t believe people on this thread thinking you’re selfish. Maybe they can let anyone who wants come and borrow their car whenever they like for as long as they like

IME they rarely return the favour, @Metalmotha, even if in a position to do so, but revert to "What's yours is mine and what's mine's my own"

A PP mentioned an earlier thread, where someone at an art class was pestered to offer lifts to another member because "I would", only to find that when called on to actually do it everyone had an excuse, and this is what CFers so often do - and with plenty of them around it's inevitable there'll be a few on here

blocking out a few weeks each year for family use is not going to affect you at all.
But it is. She's said why it would. I don't understand.

I’m not narrow minded - I’m realistic and I care about my community and the people that live here full time. And as for the rest of your argument I’ll turn every word right back onto you! If you genuinely think ‘nobody cares about second home owners’ then you have absolutely no clue because it’s one of the biggest scourges on rural communities/ second home communities. It tells me everything I need to know about you and the narrative YOU are choosing to believe.

Er, yes, but they were your parents and were legally and morally obliged to house their children. The reverse does not apply.

Well said, OP.

Great. So we agree. I was referring to OP's behaviour and choices , not calling any person names. Exactly as I emphasised all along.

You should read the OP's latest response to you.
She expresses herself very clearly (more than I have) and seems to have your number.

If I had a second home I would be happy to let most of my family/friends use it. There are a few that I wouldn’t (ones with big incontinent dogs that don’t look after them properly for example).

But it’s your house to do as you will with. I would just explain one more time as you have here your reasons for not allowing them to use it, and after that if it’s bought up just say ‘We’ve already been through this’ and change the subject.

I think we will have to agree to disagree. You posted inviting comments and advice about this particular conflict with your family. I shared my view - which others have also shared - that I find your behaviour selfish. This also seems also to be the view of your family, hence their jabbing remarks about how you don't like to share, etc. Of course I was speaking of your behaviour in relation to the context discussed - how could I comment on anything else? I know nothing else about you.

I'm not going to engage with the personal attack and bullying comments.

I and many others have shared advice - people have different opinions. It's your life, your home, and your family, of course, and it's up to you what you do with all that.

Wish you all the best.

Whilst this is of course true, it’s also a pretty callous way of thinking about this.

My family have no reason to call me selfish other than they don’t like that they have been told no on this occasion, so no, not ‘hence their jabbing remarks’. They are making these remarks because they are trying to guilt me into doing what suits them. They are used to me helping them and saying yes, ‘hence’ them thinking if they do this, I’ll say yes.

To take their side so strongly and attack me so persistently is unacceptable. I’m not surprised you don’t want to engage with comments which have called out your persistent attacks which verge on bullying.

I’m glad you have finished on the thread.

The OP has already said that herfamily are comfortsbly off snd users. Rtft