DH booking Thai massage

[namechange811]

Context is my DH and I have had marriage troubles, and saw a really good couples therapist 2023-24 who helped us really understand our issues under the surface - both had difficult upbringings. We have a 4yo and I had a difficult birth in Covid and we also had money worries and no wider family to help - so things got fractured for a while. Sex stopped happening mainly as I didn't feel up to it, even after I'd healed from the birth and ever since. He was emotionally distant and I was physically distant.

During the bad patch when we were arguing, he would use OnlyFans to watch live things and get himself off. It was gross and I expressed how much I hated it. But at the same time I did understand that he was massively frustrated as I wasn't having sex with him.

Anyway fast forward and things have been much better and we've been emotionally closer and more understanding even though external challenges have continued. We have felt more of a team and we don't really argue anymore. However, the sex still hasn't started up again properly, bar the occasional quick thing, but very rare.

I want to work on it but feel after so much has happened I don't know where to start, and also a lot of my issues around tiredness, body image, lack of confidence have remained, so I have no libido.

In the meantime I'm pretty sure DH looks at Pornhub, and he's obviously really sexually frustrated which I get, and I've seen him looking at Netflix shows with sexy women in, and women online (daily mail sidebar of shame) and just a lot of the time during his down time. Basically I feel like he has sex on the brain and is really frustrated.

Aaanyway, today I used DH's phone whilst he was doing DC bedtime because my battery had died. His browser was open on a page showing he had either booked or tried booking a "Thai Massage", while at work today in the City. I then looked at his history and saw he had googled Thai massage in the City of London before locating a booking site which seemed like a legit booking site for treatments etc.

I'm confused and feeling depressed about this. I don't know if he went or just tried to book. He doesn't get massages by the way, ever. And so if he suddenly went randomly for a massage and it was innocent he would have told me right? Was he going out of a sexual reason to get a thrill? I assume these were legit places but his rationale I don't trust was straightforward massage.

I don't know what to say or do? If I ask him it looks like I snooped (which I did) and would break his trust altogether - what's left of it.

How should I proceed?

Another vote for Thai massage being totally unsexy. And painful. In Thailand, I spent the whole massage session trying to pluck up courage to say STOP!

But there is no sexual gratification inside the marriage? It's been four years.

Is he supposed to not masturbate?
Or is he masturbates is he allowed to think of other women?

My first thought exactly! The guy isn’t having sec and wants a legitimate answer appropriate way of having a woman touch him.

I get massages to not get off but to relax and wait for it….so does my husband .

OP I think you are spiralling but clearly have some issues to address. Good luck.

Me neither, my mum gave me a Thai madmssage for my birthday one year and it was totally legit

It can be but it can also be done not so fully clothed for 'body to body' oily stuff that's definitely sexual. I've been to such places for normal massages and they've been clearly surprised to have a normal female client rather than the trad guys wanting extras. You can tell if they have long/late opening hours and also by googling for reviews of the firm with the word 'punting', which tells you what the more apparently legit sites won't. As OP's partner hasn't gone for normal massages before I'd say there's good reason to think he wasn't after a basic back rub here.

I'm sorry I have to disagree on the Thai massage thing. Yes it is a legit form of stretching and im sure many posters on here are women saying they've all had one. In my personal experience I know we thai women who own shops and openly admit to extras. Nothing against Thai massage could happen in any massage shop. Has he been mentioning aches and pains. I would be weary of it given the combination of the daily mail column the port hub the only fan, constantly seeking out sexual gratification. What you do i honestly don't know if you mention it he will know you looked but then do you really want to live out your life suspecting and also putting up with this behaviour. Stand your ground op ask outright and be firm in asking what way this relationship is going. It doesn't sound very stable to me in all honesty it sounds like cheating waiting to happen given the opportunity

That's also to all the other posters insisting Thai massage is just massage. Course it is if you're a woman turning up for a massage gift from your mum. It can also be a very different service for a man wanting more. To the extent that Thai massage places that definitely don't do that often have to specify it very clearly. Just try googling punting reviews of the parlour if you don't believe me. The women are of course very skilled masseuses and some are only that, but the number of parlours especially in cities would signal there's often more going on.

This. Feels very naive to think he's got a bad back. Sounds gross. Only fans would have me gone. Even just once.

@pinkdelight I wouldn’t have thought anyone receiving a massage gift from their mum would go to a massage “parlour” we all know what massage parlours are and it’s not the same as going to a massage therapist …I’m really perplexed at the type of places you’ve visited as a woman!

He is highly unlikely to get a happy ending at a Thai Massage place, but he might not know that.

You don’t have to have sex you don’t want. You don’t have your accept him using OnlyFans and tube site porn.

He doesn’t have to accept a sexless marriage. That doesn’t mean cheating and using prostituted women is ok.

Might be time to give couple therapy another go. And probably individual therapy for yourself. But ultimately you might both need to accept the marriage is over.

This is what I'm saying and you seem to be wilfully misunderstanding - the 'type of places' I go as a woman and PPs have mentioned going to via gifts from mums are often the same places where men can get body to body massages and extras. There's no need to be so superior like I'm living on another planet where things are neatly divided into innocent parlours and some kind of red light district. There are plenty of Thai massage parlour in cities that open till say 10pm and they'll do normal massages for women like me and other stuff for other kinds of clients. I found out because I often travel for work and get a massage and I found some of the places odder than others so I did some googling and you don't have to dig far at all to find out then it made sense of the set ups. I still go get my nice Thai massage but I'm no longer naive about what goes on in some of the places even if you wish to be or presume it's some reflection on me.

And I'm also talking specifically about Thai massage places here not massage therapists in general, as that's irrelevant to the OPs thread and nothing to do with what I'm replying.

The massage is the least of your problems. None of this is good, and seems to be degenerating.

Do you love your husband? If so, you will have to decide if you tolerate this. Not MN.

This. Talk to him before jumping to conclusions.

And I don't think your husband is "disgusting" because he is trying to find a sexual outlet which you are not able to fulfil at the moment. You don't just stop having a sex drive just because your partner does.

OP I think you first all need to talk to your husband. About this, his porn use, and about what you can both do to bring back sexual intimacy. It's not ok in a relationship to just go "well I don't have a sex drive so that's that". Sex is important between couples. Not just to "get off" but for closeness and intimacy. So you need to be addressing that. If you really don't want to, then you need to discuss with your husband what that means for your relationship. You can't expect anyone to stay in a sexless marriage.

There's Thai massage and there's Thai massage with a 'happy ending'

Pretending massage parlours in the city aren't often brothels is very naïve

@NotVeryFunny thanks and I agree with everything you say. I really don't want to be in a sexless marriage. I wish I had a button I could press to make me have libido like I used to I really do.

And presuming that people who practise traditional Thai massage are prostitutes is borderline racist.

Right ignoring the Thai massage (which is actually in my mind the most innocent part of all of this), you don't want to have sex with your husband so in turn he is taking to porn, OF etc to "get himself off".

Re the poster who said he's disgusting and gross, that is someone's personal opinion but I know I would feel extremely sexually frustrated if me and DH weren't having sex for months on end.

@NotVeryFunny has hit the nail on the head by saying you can't expect him to just lose his sex drive because you've lost yours.

I would suggest a sex therapist which is different to couples counselling in that it focuses only on sex. If that doesn't work or you don't want to go down that route @namechange811 then I think you need to have a blunt conversation whereby you say to your DH that just don't have the same libido / desire to have sex as you used to, you know that he does still want to have sex, so where do you go from here.

I think if I’d booked a massage and ended up in a suspected brothel , I would a.get my money back b. Report to trading standards and / or the police, seeing as staff in these sorts of places can be affected by modern slavery or be working in bad conditions. Have you done any of that or do you think it’s acceptable for women to be forced to perform sex acts for men?

The Thai massage I have certainly isn’t fully clothed and involves oils and hot stones etc combined with some very uncomfortable stretching and having knees, elbows and feet pressed into various muscles. I’m male and she’s female but there’s certainly nothing sexual or sensual about it and sadly she gets a lot of calls from men looking for additional services. She is absolutely incredible though, does wonders for my aches/pains/stiffness.

DH and I both have Thai massages locally (UK) for various sporting injuries/muscle tension. It's a fantastic therapy which can be quite painful as she gets all the knots out.

She treats a lot of rugby players as we're in an area with quite a few local clubs. We strip down to just pants and she's very skilled with moving the towels around for modesty.

But this massage therapist has to have huge warning notices all over her clinic which say she'll call the police if anyone is looking for sexual services or behaves inappropriately.

@Tiniesttine oh please.

Gaslighting the OP to make out it's all above board is despicable.

It’s not gaslighting the op ( who needs to actually ask her husband what is going on) I’m standing up for all those massage therapists who have people doubting their morality . And posting out to the woman on this thread who appears to more than once had a massage in a brothel ,that she might want to consider reporting it!

I agree ! The husband has form, it might or might not be a sexual service he's buying - but not all Thai masseurs are dodgy and I have great sympathy for those who are trying to operate a legitimate and very valuable business.

So you think all Thai massage places are brothels?? I can assure you that the one I go to, isn't!