DH booking Thai massage

[namechange811]

Context is my DH and I have had marriage troubles, and saw a really good couples therapist 2023-24 who helped us really understand our issues under the surface - both had difficult upbringings. We have a 4yo and I had a difficult birth in Covid and we also had money worries and no wider family to help - so things got fractured for a while. Sex stopped happening mainly as I didn't feel up to it, even after I'd healed from the birth and ever since. He was emotionally distant and I was physically distant.

During the bad patch when we were arguing, he would use OnlyFans to watch live things and get himself off. It was gross and I expressed how much I hated it. But at the same time I did understand that he was massively frustrated as I wasn't having sex with him.

Anyway fast forward and things have been much better and we've been emotionally closer and more understanding even though external challenges have continued. We have felt more of a team and we don't really argue anymore. However, the sex still hasn't started up again properly, bar the occasional quick thing, but very rare.

I want to work on it but feel after so much has happened I don't know where to start, and also a lot of my issues around tiredness, body image, lack of confidence have remained, so I have no libido.

In the meantime I'm pretty sure DH looks at Pornhub, and he's obviously really sexually frustrated which I get, and I've seen him looking at Netflix shows with sexy women in, and women online (daily mail sidebar of shame) and just a lot of the time during his down time. Basically I feel like he has sex on the brain and is really frustrated.

Aaanyway, today I used DH's phone whilst he was doing DC bedtime because my battery had died. His browser was open on a page showing he had either booked or tried booking a "Thai Massage", while at work today in the City. I then looked at his history and saw he had googled Thai massage in the City of London before locating a booking site which seemed like a legit booking site for treatments etc.

I'm confused and feeling depressed about this. I don't know if he went or just tried to book. He doesn't get massages by the way, ever. And so if he suddenly went randomly for a massage and it was innocent he would have told me right? Was he going out of a sexual reason to get a thrill? I assume these were legit places but his rationale I don't trust was straightforward massage.

I don't know what to say or do? If I ask him it looks like I snooped (which I did) and would break his trust altogether - what's left of it.

How should I proceed?

God I hope he wasn't actually searching for a sex worker?! Surely you'd type something else into Google? Plus the booking site was GetTimely which is a normal app for salons.

But I think he was seeking a massage for his own gratification.

He is obviously craving physical touch. If he’s not getting it from you then I don’t think you have any right to ask him not to get a massage. Just be glad he’s satisfying that need with legitimate massage therapy and porn rather than seeking out a new sexual partner.

You've not had sex for 4 years if I'm reading your OP correctly. He's, understandably sexually frustrated, as would a lot of women be if they were in a relationship where one person's libido didn't match the other. You say he hasn't cheated so before anything goes any further you need to both sit down and work out what you want.

I wouldn't stay in a sexless marriage so if sex isn't on the cards anymore (because you either don't want it or can't do it) you need to be up front and tell him. He can make the choice whether to stay or not. If you think you can recover your sex drive then you need to be doing whatever needs doing to make that possible.. doctors appointment, improving your self image, if it's out of sheer exhaustion then ask him to pull his weight with other things (if he isn't already) etc.

The bottom line is one person wants sex, or wants to be in a marriage where you have an active sex life and one of you doesn't want sex. You're not currently sexually compatible and that could be a big deal breaker .

Yes I’ve had one and it was brutal! I felt like I’d been hit by a truck the day after.

Also Thai massages are legitimate things..

I’m another one who loves a Thai massage and gets them quite often. I don’t ask my husband’s permission and wouldn’t necessarily mention to him that I’d had one as why would I? It’s no different to going to a yoga class!

OP doesn’t even know whether the therapist was male or female - lots of Thai massage therapists are men. As others have said it’s performed fully clothed on the floor and it invokes lots of passive stretching and most of the contact from the therapist is using their feet (to increase a stretch) not their hands.

it’s not the same as an erotic massage by a Thai woman if that’s what you are thinking it is @namechange811

Maybe he doesn't realise it's fully clothed and was thinking he'd be naked on a bed with some hot Thai woman rubbing him down? I didn't know it was clothed until I read the comments. Even before the massage thing he doesn't sound nice, sorry op. He sounds like a perv.

You haven't had sex for 4 years. I think him wanting a massage is the least of your issues.

@Acc0untant yes I think you are right. We have had periods of sex for a few months in that time but it's been on and off. Latest dry spell since Nov.

Porn is not benign. He is receiving sexual gratification outside of the relationship which is the very definition of cheating.

And he's escalating, because now he's meeting another woman in private. You may decide to live with that, but I could not stay with a cheater.

It needs open and honest conversation then. If you can't talk about it it'll never get solved.

We have a Thai massage place in our street. It's perfectly respectable. I've been, DH has been. I'm absolutely certain it's not a brothel.

I suspect that he’s looking for a different kind of massage not realising that Thai massage is legit. I agree with others who reckon he’s hoping for a scantily-clad attractive woman who’ll provide “extras” - but he won’t get that.

Anyway, I think you need to go back to the therapist, or separate as amicably as possible. You can’t live like flatmates, it’s not fair on either of you.

Talk to him OP. It could be that he's craving physical touch, it could be something he's seen on a porn site and is wanting to 'act out' a fantasy. You can tie yourself up in knots second guessing or you can try communicating with him. Speak to him about how you're feeling tired and unattractive and how you want to find a way back to an intimate and loving relationship. You just need to be honest and ask for his honesty in return. It may be that you need to go back to couples therapy to help you both address what you want from the relationship.

Op this is the post that hits the nail on the head.

You asked how you proceed and you need to address the elephant in the room that sex just isn't happening and it's clearly causing a massive strain on your relationship.

He is sexually frustrated, you aren't. I can't imagine after so many years your libido is going to magically switch back on, so how are you guys going to navigate things going forward?

When do you plan on ending your 4 year sex drought @namechange811 ?

He has used an Only Fans sex worker. He watches porn and gets off by seeing women abused and exploited. He pervs on women in films. So he is seeking sex outside your relationship.
You say he is obsessed with sex so I think it is very naive of you to think that his interest in massage is for anything other than some form of sexual gratification.

There are businesses that genuinely offer a Thai massage. It is a real massage, that doesn't involve any intimate touching. However, there are businesses that offer a 'Thai Massage' which is a massage, that involves the use of oils on the penis, until 'completion'. If your husband is the type to have never gone for a massage in his life, then I'd probably say he's not booked a 'normal' Thai Massage. I know someone who regularly books these type of massages when he's working away from home (thankfully, he doesn't belong to me, because it wouldn't be something I'd put up with).

Are you assuming he was looking for a happy ending massage?

But I think he was seeking a massage for his own gratification.
For what other reason do people pay money in exchange for a massage? It’s a pleasant, relaxing experience, of course it’s for the patrons own gratification.

I don't think anyone is smelling of roses but I'd hate to be your DH. Sounds pretty loveless. Are you staying together for your DC? And what's his excuse? 4 years is a hell of a long time to live without physical affection.

Shouldn't laugh but it would be quite funny (and serve him right) if he went expecting a sexy massage and ended up being stretched and pummelled within an inch of his life.
Not quite the 'happy ending' he might have been hoping for 😄

I think you need to be upfront, I think the time for pussyfooting around is past.

The fundamental issue that needs addressing is the sex drought due to mismatched libido. Find out what he needs, have a think about what you need.

Talk about what you both want your relationship to look like and what you're both going to need to do in order to get there. Take some time to think about it and agree to share your thoughts in a few days.

Try not to focus on the massage for now, that's a symptom not the cause of your issues.

OP just want to add: It is completely fine to have a period where you don't want to have sex. It doesn't matter how long it goes on for either, and you don't need to justify it.

Obviously, if there's an incompatibility between your sex drives that is a challenge. But so important you don't end up feeling forced or shamed to make decisions you don't want too, either by your DH or by posts here.

Watching porn isn’t necessarily cheating. Cheating is subjective and is different for all couples.

Your DC is 4 and sex still hasn’t gotten back on track? To be fair on your DH that would make me check out too, I feel rejected even if it’s only a bad week, let alone 4 years.

I personally don’t consider watching porn cheating but OF would be a hard no for me due to the interactive aspect of it. It’s a slippery slope from there onwards.

I would ask him directly and explain what you found. May be innocent, may be happy ending.