DH booking Thai massage

[namechange811]

Context is my DH and I have had marriage troubles, and saw a really good couples therapist 2023-24 who helped us really understand our issues under the surface - both had difficult upbringings. We have a 4yo and I had a difficult birth in Covid and we also had money worries and no wider family to help - so things got fractured for a while. Sex stopped happening mainly as I didn't feel up to it, even after I'd healed from the birth and ever since. He was emotionally distant and I was physically distant.

During the bad patch when we were arguing, he would use OnlyFans to watch live things and get himself off. It was gross and I expressed how much I hated it. But at the same time I did understand that he was massively frustrated as I wasn't having sex with him.

Anyway fast forward and things have been much better and we've been emotionally closer and more understanding even though external challenges have continued. We have felt more of a team and we don't really argue anymore. However, the sex still hasn't started up again properly, bar the occasional quick thing, but very rare.

I want to work on it but feel after so much has happened I don't know where to start, and also a lot of my issues around tiredness, body image, lack of confidence have remained, so I have no libido.

In the meantime I'm pretty sure DH looks at Pornhub, and he's obviously really sexually frustrated which I get, and I've seen him looking at Netflix shows with sexy women in, and women online (daily mail sidebar of shame) and just a lot of the time during his down time. Basically I feel like he has sex on the brain and is really frustrated.

Aaanyway, today I used DH's phone whilst he was doing DC bedtime because my battery had died. His browser was open on a page showing he had either booked or tried booking a "Thai Massage", while at work today in the City. I then looked at his history and saw he had googled Thai massage in the City of London before locating a booking site which seemed like a legit booking site for treatments etc.

I'm confused and feeling depressed about this. I don't know if he went or just tried to book. He doesn't get massages by the way, ever. And so if he suddenly went randomly for a massage and it was innocent he would have told me right? Was he going out of a sexual reason to get a thrill? I assume these were legit places but his rationale I don't trust was straightforward massage.

I don't know what to say or do? If I ask him it looks like I snooped (which I did) and would break his trust altogether - what's left of it.

How should I proceed?

Honestly, I don't get it. You keep saying you understand his frustration, so why don't you just have sex then??
I really don't get it. If your dh knew he's wife was struggling because he doesn't sit and chat to you anymore or give you compliments and now you're spending more and more time with a lovely male colleague who is very complimentary, yet he does not change his behaviour? How can he say I fully understand, see must crave emotional connection, then proceed to not give it?
By your own admission, your dh is sexually frustrated? It is an easy fix??
Leave him, then if you don't want to change

Sorry to ask such a personal and crude question and please feel free not to answer, but do you pleasure him in other ways so to speak? Could you provide the happy endings etc while you try and get back on track?x

This …

Why are some posters blaming the man? I feel quite sorry for him if he's not had sex in his relationship for 4 years it's a very long time. Op either fix it or leave him where he can have a relationship where he is fulfilled.

Thai massage - legitimate or otherwise - is ignoring the stonking big elephant in the room: the OP's DH having been in a sexless non intimate relationship for four years.

This!! You sound very accepting of your lack of libido OP. Whilst you are perfectly within your rights to decide you don't want sex any more, you can't expect your husband to accept you unilaterally deciding by extension that his sex life is effectively over forever. If you want to stay in the marriage you need to start addressing this, not blaming the poor man for watching a bit of porn and wanking. Either by counselling, sex therapy or medication. If you're TRYING TO RESOLVE IT then you have a leg to stand on. If you've decided that your sex life is over, effectively meaning his is over as long as he remains married, then you're on very shaky ground.

I have a male friend who frequently uses the “Thai massage’s” in London and he often gets finished off by the woman at the end for an additional charge. I’d be pretty confident he’s getting this too or why wait until he’s in a city where it is so readily available

OP apart from seeing that he'd dialled a phone number you don't even know if he went through with having a massage, or has done anything else untoward.

Being on HRT doesn't necessarily mean your sex drive will come raring back, is there a reason why you've stopped having sex and are you on the correct HRT/dose for your symptoms.

I've read posts on MN where women have said they couldn't live with a sexless marriage....not sure why he's getting a slating on here.
oh wait he's male.

I know exactly what I'd do.

The only solution really is for you to start getting better, feeling better about yourself, addressing what it is that has blocked your natural libido, and getting to a point where you want sex with your DH.

I wouldn't say one word about what you know about him looking to book a Thai massage. It could be just a massage. Just some human touch. Ah, forgot to ask - are you physically affectionate? Do you hug, stroke, hold, etc? Or is all physical contact cut? And if so, for how long? Does he try and you recoil? Or neither of you try now?

I would say (like, today):

I can't bear us not being close any more. I so miss intimacy and feeling like I want sex. And I feel so bad that you are having to be all alone too, without it. This is super difficult for me but can we please book a sex therapist and start to deal with this?

Then one of the questions in the therapy has to be: how did he cope? Did he watch porn etc? Did he have a Thai massage / go to a sex worker / etc.

The more you cut yourself off, the more distance will grow between you. If you love each other and want to be together then you must address the intimacy.

and well done, by the way, for coming on here for advice and being so open about how you feel. You are soooo not alone. This is very common, becoming withdrawn and avoiding sex after a difficult delivery. I couldn't even bear to look at myself or have sex for about 2.5 years after I'd had forceps and a 3rd degree tear. And then it had to be with a different man. A female gynae told me that biologically speaking, having sex with your DH led to a situation that was life-threatening, so your body will naturally think bloody twice before letting that happen again. It is self-preservation at its strongest.

You could go to the place after with a photo and pay them to find out what he got.

& a tip

I agree ! No wonder op that you don’t feel sexy or attractive or in the mood.
Your dh needed to help regain trust. .He has blown it. .
@namechange811 I’d say yes he is looking for sex elsewhere .

You sound pretty naive. .Why does he have little trust in you?

I think you need to get your ducks in a row asap and have more respect for yourself.
You deserve better.

Sorry but massage parlours (Thai or otherwise) are often brothels or at least offer "other services" too. I know, I worked in one. Either way OP, you can't not have sex with your DH for 4 years unless mutually agreed. If you want to continue with a sexless life, which is fair enough, then you need to leave him.

I think this is the only option.

I wouldn't take too much notice of the advice on here. No-one is ever willing to sort things and it's all LTB etc.

Admit that you read it - he might moan because you were snooping, but that's the least of your worries. You need to find out what's happening.

Watching porn can be habit forming. It doesn't mean he's being unfaithful just by watching it and you won't know about the massage until you ask him face to face.

Absolutely agree. You can't continue with a unilateral decision on a sexless life.

So either:

Get help, therapy, talk to him, get back to wanting sex with him

Or:

Explain your position and allow the pair of you to split up.

:(

On the bright side: I think you think he hasn't been for the massage tonight, and who knows if he did actually book it - if you talk to him tonight then maybe this desperation of his and withdrawal of yours can start to be discussed instead of each person feeling alone and seeking a way to cope.

Not all massage places, Thai or otherwise offer sexual services, so DH may not be "guilty as charged". The use of sites like Pornhub is a different thing of course.

He's clearly used the service as a sexual service , sorry I don't sugar coat shit and call it a cupcake! He's never been for a massage yet chooses to do a thai one while your withholding sex from him , and essentially that's what your doing , you can't withhold from your lover and not expect there eyes and Dicks to not go astray! Men (and woman) have needs and if your not putting out or talking about why your not putting out then you need to start now! This happened to me and in the end we both decided we wanted to experiment outside just us 2 having sex, we done clubs, massage , fab swingers, it was amazing! Sex is a very big part of a relationship, don't starve yourselves from it

Sounds like a perv for watching porn? Have a word mate!! I'm a 39 year old woman who has a very healthy sex life and I watch porn and get off to it alot! I also use swingers clubs , webcam and fab swingers , if he's a perv I need locked up , some of us are open and not vanilla at all

I'm a woman who was actually asked if I wanted any extras , and I took it and believe me them thai birds know what therendoing man or woman , so if you don't pleasure your man these gals will

It could be a completely innocent massage. I think you’re making quite a leap honestly, but then I don’t think (ethical) porn is as terrible as most do here 🤷‍♀️

You can have sex with a man everyday and he'll still use porn. He's taking this way too far and being very clear he isn't thinking of you.

I feel for you, It seems you're both in a rut. By the sounds of it he's on the edge of going full sex with someone else, but he doesn't seem to be making any effort to help understand how you feel nor date you and make you feel you're sexy and confident with your new image. By the sounds of it he's completely oblivious to your feelings and how this is affecting his self-esteem.

In my opinion I'd be having a full chat with him, without your child around. Ask him how he feels and what he wants in the future. Tell him what you've found and that you find it hurtful and disrespectful.

He's acting quite childish and needs to be honest with you and you him.

I don't think it's a massive leap at all.

According to OP he is obsessed with sex. He views women as sex objects - even if "ethical" porn would be acceptable for you I highly doubt he is watching " ethical " porn.
So why, given the above, would he suddenly be taking an interest in therapeutic massage when " happy endings" massages are widely available?

Ask him if it have's a happy ending?