DH booking Thai massage

[namechange811]

Context is my DH and I have had marriage troubles, and saw a really good couples therapist 2023-24 who helped us really understand our issues under the surface - both had difficult upbringings. We have a 4yo and I had a difficult birth in Covid and we also had money worries and no wider family to help - so things got fractured for a while. Sex stopped happening mainly as I didn't feel up to it, even after I'd healed from the birth and ever since. He was emotionally distant and I was physically distant.

During the bad patch when we were arguing, he would use OnlyFans to watch live things and get himself off. It was gross and I expressed how much I hated it. But at the same time I did understand that he was massively frustrated as I wasn't having sex with him.

Anyway fast forward and things have been much better and we've been emotionally closer and more understanding even though external challenges have continued. We have felt more of a team and we don't really argue anymore. However, the sex still hasn't started up again properly, bar the occasional quick thing, but very rare.

I want to work on it but feel after so much has happened I don't know where to start, and also a lot of my issues around tiredness, body image, lack of confidence have remained, so I have no libido.

In the meantime I'm pretty sure DH looks at Pornhub, and he's obviously really sexually frustrated which I get, and I've seen him looking at Netflix shows with sexy women in, and women online (daily mail sidebar of shame) and just a lot of the time during his down time. Basically I feel like he has sex on the brain and is really frustrated.

Aaanyway, today I used DH's phone whilst he was doing DC bedtime because my battery had died. His browser was open on a page showing he had either booked or tried booking a "Thai Massage", while at work today in the City. I then looked at his history and saw he had googled Thai massage in the City of London before locating a booking site which seemed like a legit booking site for treatments etc.

I'm confused and feeling depressed about this. I don't know if he went or just tried to book. He doesn't get massages by the way, ever. And so if he suddenly went randomly for a massage and it was innocent he would have told me right? Was he going out of a sexual reason to get a thrill? I assume these were legit places but his rationale I don't trust was straightforward massage.

I don't know what to say or do? If I ask him it looks like I snooped (which I did) and would break his trust altogether - what's left of it.

How should I proceed?

Seriously. You're not into sex, but blackmail him into celibacy. You need to get real and be happy he's not left you already.

I don’t think watching porn means a man views women as sex objects, that’s why I think it’s a leap. Agree that he probably isn’t watching ethical porn though!

I think it's pretty safe to say a man who uses Only Fans, watches porn, and watches films purely to ogle the sexy women stars of them isn't interested in women for their intellectual abilities.
His interest in them is purely sexual.
So yes he views women as sex objects.

Maybe you need to see a sex therapist and explore the reasons for your lack of libido. You cannot expect him to be celibate for the rest of his life and you will be heading towards a separation before long. To be honest the ball is entirely in your court as to how you want to proceed, do you want to save your marriage or would you be better separating and allowing him to meet someone who wants an intimate relationship.

You admit that you have little libido for the past 4 years. Have you been to the doctor's for hormone checks or could this stem from depression after the difficult birth? You may need counselling to resolve the trauma. It seems from your post that the lack of sex does not bother you.
It's pointless worrying about whether or not your husband is getting sex outside your marriage or that he's watching porn etc when he so clearly has a different level of sex drive from you at present and you know it.
You either both work together to resolve this or you have no marriage.

It’s perfectly ok to watch films because you think the actors are attractive in my opinion, and again I have no issue with porn. I have very little time for men in general, but I have to agree to disagree with you in this instance!

See a doctor and a therapist about your lack of libido. And I'd initiate with him even if you're not 100% in the mood. You may warm up, or you can take pleasure and satisfaction in connecting with him.

If you read what OP says about his habits he is not watching the films because the women in them are " attractive ", he watches them because they have " sexy" women in them. That is a different connotation entirely.

So if you have no issue with porn you have no issue with women being abused and exploited for men's sexual gratification?
Most porn now is violent. A lot of porn involves incest sex, women chosen because they look like young school girls etc.
Even if you have no problem with that there is plenty of research showing the detrimental effects of porn: The rising expectation of men that violent sexual acts are what women want in real life, the need to watch more and more extreme porn to get off, the desensitisation so that men can no longer have a normal relationship with a woman etc.
This is what I don't understand when women casually say they have no problem with porn: how can they have no problem with what it involves?

OH PLEEEEEEEZ

My DP had a Thai massage which was just a massage.. there isn't always a happy ending is there

I'm with @Nantescalling .

Did he also look at Turkish massages or sports massages?

He is sexually frustrated because he's not having sex ...

A healthy male not having any sexual release for 4 years is far more benign than watching porn.

At this point his other half isn't giving him anything so how else is he meant to deal with his frustration? Vow of celibacy?

i don't think you married a monk and not a lot of men would still be around after 4 years of thinking you don't want him. Put the boot on the other foot : how would feel if he just rolled over every night. I don't know enough about how mens' brains function but I think their bodies work a bit like steam trains.

Whatever you do, don't let on you've been in his phone. That's seen as bad as cheating. Whether the Thai mlassage is with or without, you can hardly blame him.

I think thecou^ples' therapy is the best bet. Ithelped before. Does it feel as though he recognizes that there is a real problem?

This goes both ways, the sex is not compatible here. You can't expect him to just not have any sex drive, so this is the key issue here that he wants sex and you don't. No he shouldn't be doing Thai massages that's gross, but there is a larger issue at play here.
Either you both deep dive into the lack of sex, how to compromise and find a resolution that works, or you split and find people you're more compatible with.
On a side note, have you had your hormones tested?

I always get Thai massages which are fully clothed and if my back is super sore they use oil. But can I say there is zero sexual about a Thai massage. In fact it’s a bit insulting to immediately suspect Thai women who offer massage as automatically being “suspect”

I don’t watch porn and I agree with a previous poster regarding ethical reasons however I’m not naive and men watch porn whether they are having sex or not.

I use attractive and sexy interchangeably. I absolutely think there’s issues with men watching too much porn and that mainstream porn is unpleasant, I just don’t think all porn is awful and will lead people to visiting sex workers.

That's a bit harsh mush.

Has he hurt himself recently? Maybe genuinely struggling with a sore back/neck/ etc and someone at work has gone “hey I get a Thai massage and it really helps me!” Because honestly I’ve been on both sides of that convo many times. I love a Thai massage but I can honestly say it is not a sexy experience 😂. I have also been in the shop when the poor owner has had to tell someone that they are a professional massage place and they don’t do anything else, I hope your partner isn’t one of those people. If it helps if he was planning to do that kind of thing I’d expect at least one rogue search with his full intention.

Dp once went to have a Thai massage to get his achy shoulder sorted and nearly ended up with a lot more than he bargained for.

He was genuinely quite shocked as it didn't look like anything other than a normal centre and that's why he picked it.

The next time he wanted one, we both went and had side by side treatments.

We laugh now. This is all a cliche for a reason though and I'd agree it looks a bit suss.

It is you're right, but also I am right.
4 years is eternity to be expected to not have sex, ir even intimacy. Op is not worried that her libido is not there, or that she has no connection with her husband, which would probably make more sense. she's concerned that he's trying to get a massage.

OK, firstly Thai massage is legal, yes some massage places are a front for the sex trade, but he may also have just simply mentioned to someone he knows that he has an ache or pain somewhere and they recommended it - hence him looking it up. I fully understand having no sex drive, mine was none existent for a few years and still isn't fully back to where it was but is improving. It was very frustrating and hurtful for my partner and I think sometimes we forget how upsetting it is for the other person. Not just the frustration of not getting any, they are constantly turned down and made to feel unattractive and unloved. Some of these comments that even him watching porn is unreasonable are frankly unfair. He is aloud to have a wank. (Different if he was choosing porn over his partner, but it sounds like youve made it clear you dont want to). And it is your choice to have a sexless marrige not his. It sounds like he has been willing to work on the marriage up until this point so now you need to look into improving your sex life and into why you don't want to do it, that doesnt mean you should just lay back and let him do his thing, but look into the feelings and possible insecurities you may have that are putting you off enjoying it. Unfortunately it maybe that he has cheated and that the marriage is over but you probably need a bit more than him searching for a massage.

Porn has a vast array of different content. It isn't all violent, inappropriately young looking girls ect a lot of it is fairly standard "come and fix my washing machine, ohps we had sex" or home movie type porn. And a lot of the women are there very willingly. Especially with onlyfans where they are much more incontrol of the content they film and put out. I don't think it's really fair to villainize a man for watching it when his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for 4 years.

Also, why not book a.massage for both of you, do something together, day out as a couple with your child. Me and my other half have days out together when our children are at school because we don't have people to take care of our children. Sounds like you're both a little lost and need to have some fun dating each other again.

Do you not work? Perhaps the op and her partner do! Also sex is the problem not days out.

Totally disagree. Sex can't just happen again without the stuff like going out on their own etc.