DH booking Thai massage

[namechange811]

Context is my DH and I have had marriage troubles, and saw a really good couples therapist 2023-24 who helped us really understand our issues under the surface - both had difficult upbringings. We have a 4yo and I had a difficult birth in Covid and we also had money worries and no wider family to help - so things got fractured for a while. Sex stopped happening mainly as I didn't feel up to it, even after I'd healed from the birth and ever since. He was emotionally distant and I was physically distant.

During the bad patch when we were arguing, he would use OnlyFans to watch live things and get himself off. It was gross and I expressed how much I hated it. But at the same time I did understand that he was massively frustrated as I wasn't having sex with him.

Anyway fast forward and things have been much better and we've been emotionally closer and more understanding even though external challenges have continued. We have felt more of a team and we don't really argue anymore. However, the sex still hasn't started up again properly, bar the occasional quick thing, but very rare.

I want to work on it but feel after so much has happened I don't know where to start, and also a lot of my issues around tiredness, body image, lack of confidence have remained, so I have no libido.

In the meantime I'm pretty sure DH looks at Pornhub, and he's obviously really sexually frustrated which I get, and I've seen him looking at Netflix shows with sexy women in, and women online (daily mail sidebar of shame) and just a lot of the time during his down time. Basically I feel like he has sex on the brain and is really frustrated.

Aaanyway, today I used DH's phone whilst he was doing DC bedtime because my battery had died. His browser was open on a page showing he had either booked or tried booking a "Thai Massage", while at work today in the City. I then looked at his history and saw he had googled Thai massage in the City of London before locating a booking site which seemed like a legit booking site for treatments etc.

I'm confused and feeling depressed about this. I don't know if he went or just tried to book. He doesn't get massages by the way, ever. And so if he suddenly went randomly for a massage and it was innocent he would have told me right? Was he going out of a sexual reason to get a thrill? I assume these were legit places but his rationale I don't trust was straightforward massage.

I don't know what to say or do? If I ask him it looks like I snooped (which I did) and would break his trust altogether - what's left of it.

How should I proceed?

I can't find the post now but whoever recommended the book Mind the Gap, thank you. I've started reading it and it feels like a game changer.

OP...

I'm in a similar position.

I came across DPs phone last week with open browsers searching for Thai massage & Chinese massages through gum tree!!.

He also had an open message asking how much for 2 hours???

There's no mention of him booking any massages even after he attended the appointment. ( while I was at work & his day off)

Wrongly or rightly I now try to search his phone & all messages have been deleted.

However, he has started to hide his phone & keep it securely in his pocket at all times. Even going to bed he will now place it on the floor beside him & cover it up with his clothing!!

All of the above is not his usual!!

My hunch... he is looking for his happy ending!!

I won't say anything for now as I will continue to monitor to get clarification on the situation.. then confront when there is no doubt!!

I am sorry but this is ridiculous. You are in a sexless marriage but your DH can't relieve himself, whether that is watching porn or looking at pictures? Intimacy is an important part of any relationship and yes it is your body and you have a right to refuse to engage in sex. But what do you expect him to do? Surely chugging into some toilet paper is better than him going out to look for sex elsewhere.

On the Thai massage front, as its been said before there is nothing sensual about that type of massage. It is bloody painful at times. If you are concerned that it's a knocking shop, why not book yourself in for one at the same place and scope it out. But don't generalise and assume every massage therapist is a sex pest.

As someone suggested, you both need to sit down and talk about sex and your relationship and not be threatened by someone on a porn website. That said if he is on OF and follows Bonnie Blue, who knows he might have been one of those 1000 odd men. (That's a joke btw) if you can't speak freely about sex, maybe going to a sex therapist would help.

Sounds like DH needs help for his excessive lust/need for sex

The OP says they have hardly had sex at all in the past four years. Wanting more than that is absolutely not 'excessive lust'. His libido is almost certainly completely normal.

Does that mean it would be OK for him to get a massage from a sex worker? No, of course not. It's not acceptable for him to cheat on his wife.

But the OP also apparently gets annoyed that he looks at porn, Netflix films with 'sexy women' in them or pictures of attractive women in general. She doesn't want sex with him, but she also doesn't want him to fulfil his very normal sexual urges in any other way.

If my boyfriend had barely touched me in four years, I would definitely be seeking out other things that turned me on. I wouldn't cheat on him ever in a million years, because I adore him and I couldn't do that to him. But I would definitely be reading/listening to/watching a hell of a lot of sex-related stuff and following about a million hot shirtless men on Instagram.

OP I'm sorry, I understand what you mean. Out of interest are you taking antidepressants? I took them after awful PND for roughly 4 years after birth. My libido was very like yours. In the end I just lost my confidence. When I stopped taking them (after a long decrease/ween off) my libodo came back almost the same and I cried with the relief, because no one told me this was a side affect not just loss of libido but loss of sensation, enjoyment or even being able to see myself as that person.

Anyone who thinks a porn addict googles thai massage because they have a sore shoulder is delusional.

What if he has a sore shoulder from all the w@nking?

As i say, I don't think watching porn automatically makes you an addict and only a minority of masseuses are sex workers.

Maybe. 'In sickness and in health' is quaint now: it does not affirm a person's right to walk away from a relationship. But there was 'to have and to hold' ie, you had positive duties towards your spouse. That's gone too and it had problems of its own.

4 years is a very long time - he may have tried all sorts of things before he drifted into Onlyfans etc. He might even have done that very thing so not to burden the OP. But that's all speculation.

I was going to say this. I’ve often had one it’s hard work as you have to get into some positions to really let your muscles loose.
not for the faint hearted.
and if your husband thinks it’s going to be sexy he definitely needs to re think .

Clearly you don't know the difference between physiotherapy and a massage. This generalisation that all massages are sexual is ridiculous.

I regularly go for a Thai massage, tried swedish massage therapy before and it's not as intense as Thai. Some small woman, or man, pulling you which way and whatever or walking on your back is far removed from this idea that it's all oil and happy endings. Maybe expand your horizons a bit and give one a try. Its painful at the time, but honestly after a few days the muscle freedom is amazing.

There's no accusation that all therapists are offering sexual services.

Although, we all know that 'some' places will discretely offer such added services.

However the OP is rightly concerned as it's out of character having massages & she's questioning why he hadn't mentioned anything to her!

Is it possible that he had an intention of added extras?

We all know that some women are open to having affairs with their married male bosses but no one is suggesting that a man who appoints a junior woman whilst experiencing marital problems must be looking for an affair.

That was me, I'm glad it's helping you so far. I found it really validating as I felt there must be something wrong with me, but doing the activities helped me realise why I (and lots of other women) seem to not really want to have sex so I could start changing my mindset. I particularly like the bits talking about how sex drives aren't really a thing and that low desire is actually a desire discrepancy which is common and not just one person's fault.
My partner is quite keen to read it as he wants to understand my point of view so we can improve things together, do you think your DH would be open to reading it?

namechange811

Hi..... just checking in on you for any updates?

As for me.... I continued to monitor partners phone & managed to photo snap shots of conversations from the 'Thai massage lady'... stating she found a good Thai lady for him'

He then sent her a photo of himself & talked about hoping he would be good to her' she wanted arrange to meet him in a club??

Since then... all conversations have been deleted from his phone! (Purely to hide his intentions!)

I will continue to monitor this week & hope to confront the following week!