DH booking Thai massage

[namechange811]

Context is my DH and I have had marriage troubles, and saw a really good couples therapist 2023-24 who helped us really understand our issues under the surface - both had difficult upbringings. We have a 4yo and I had a difficult birth in Covid and we also had money worries and no wider family to help - so things got fractured for a while. Sex stopped happening mainly as I didn't feel up to it, even after I'd healed from the birth and ever since. He was emotionally distant and I was physically distant.

During the bad patch when we were arguing, he would use OnlyFans to watch live things and get himself off. It was gross and I expressed how much I hated it. But at the same time I did understand that he was massively frustrated as I wasn't having sex with him.

Anyway fast forward and things have been much better and we've been emotionally closer and more understanding even though external challenges have continued. We have felt more of a team and we don't really argue anymore. However, the sex still hasn't started up again properly, bar the occasional quick thing, but very rare.

I want to work on it but feel after so much has happened I don't know where to start, and also a lot of my issues around tiredness, body image, lack of confidence have remained, so I have no libido.

In the meantime I'm pretty sure DH looks at Pornhub, and he's obviously really sexually frustrated which I get, and I've seen him looking at Netflix shows with sexy women in, and women online (daily mail sidebar of shame) and just a lot of the time during his down time. Basically I feel like he has sex on the brain and is really frustrated.

Aaanyway, today I used DH's phone whilst he was doing DC bedtime because my battery had died. His browser was open on a page showing he had either booked or tried booking a "Thai Massage", while at work today in the City. I then looked at his history and saw he had googled Thai massage in the City of London before locating a booking site which seemed like a legit booking site for treatments etc.

I'm confused and feeling depressed about this. I don't know if he went or just tried to book. He doesn't get massages by the way, ever. And so if he suddenly went randomly for a massage and it was innocent he would have told me right? Was he going out of a sexual reason to get a thrill? I assume these were legit places but his rationale I don't trust was straightforward massage.

I don't know what to say or do? If I ask him it looks like I snooped (which I did) and would break his trust altogether - what's left of it.

How should I proceed?

namechange811 · 22/01/2025 21:29

@Acc0untant yes I think you are right. We have had periods of sex for a few months in that time but it's been on and off. Latest dry spell since Nov.

So not 4 years and she's taking hrt etc, op is trying.

I'm actually in agreement with this.

All lovey lovey when you first meet, sex can be great, a regular occurance, spontaneous, no commitments bar probably getting yourself to work each day.

Then life changes, in some case more for women, due to circumstances as in juggling jobs, fetching and carring for the DC, general house chores, ageing parents, taking on more as you go through life, sometimes sex is the last thing for a woman on their mind due to feeling knackered, and let's face it there's probably no fun in just scheduling sex in on a Mon/Thursday.

Some women are the back bone in the relationship and for many feel a quick bonk between other chores just isn't the one.

I would definitely have an STD test. A sexually frustrated man who has been using onlyfans and pornhub books a ‘Thai Massage’ behind his wife’s back…I’m sorry, but that sounds deeply suspicious to me. If he had a problem with his calf muscles, or his back, or something, he’d have gone to a clinic and seen a sports massage therapist. If it is 100% innocent and he really did just want a massage I’d be amazed.

This may not be a sexual thing, he may just miss physical touch.
I know you’re probably looking at his proclivity for naked ladies, but he may just miss being touched. Also I’ve not heard Thai massage is related to sex work, we live and learn. 🤣

To clarify my OP, since last November we haven't had sex but we've had a few rare other sexual encounters. Prior to that we have been through phases since having DC of trying to start everything up and having sex 2 times a week for a few weeks and then us stopping making an effort / being busy and things slipping back into a dry patch of another couple of months.

So it's not no sex for 4 years, but inconsistent sex during that time. Plus the sex itself is less adventurous and more missionary since we had DC.

Just wanted to clarify that as some posters are suggesting we've had 4 years of nothing, but it's not like that.

I have heard you can ask for xtras (Known as a happy ending)

I find it really frustrating when people reply and they clearly haven't read anything I've said bar the first sentence. This is my life and it matters to me. Yes I've had therapy - as I have already said - therapy, couples counselling, HRT and more. Please read things or don't bother posting.

Hi OP, I don't know if this helps, but I'll try to give you the other side of this.

DH and I have 3 primary aged children and haven't had sex for 7 nearly 8y. DH will SAY that he would "love it to start again" but he has no libido. He has also made the odd GP appointment.

I feel incredibly trapped and pissed off. I don't know how old you are, but I am 45 and am terrified that I won't have regular sex again for the whole rest of my life if I stay. But if I leave, I am the baddie splitting up the family.

It feels like never again having a sunny day. Or living on meal replacement shakes instead of food. Can you live with it, of course, but ir's shit.

I also feel so angry at DH. He does not have some awful life threatening condition. He has some health stuff but nothing out of the common.

I feel like, if this was really a priority, why doesn't just effing sort it? Why not go to the GP and say this is ruining my marriage, please help, and keep trying all their suggestions till something works? Why not try a private specialist? Why not take ownership of if?

But he doesn't. If I raise, he'll agree dutifully but he isn't all over it searching out answers. So.... kinda nothing happens... and then another month has passed, and another...and my life is passing by! I earn more than he does by some margin, and I never thought I'd say this, but I am starting to feel like he's okay with me busting my arse supporting the family but my needs come last.

I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. It's really honest though. Do you recognise any elements?

This is extremely gaslighty. You have just blamed the OP for her husband looking for a kinky massage (If that's what it actually is).

Most men and women watch porn, sexy films etc. Mums net is just full of prudes!

Why don't you watch porn together, OP? It might make for some adventure in the bedroom.

Watching porn is not a go-ahead to find a brothel for a "massage", because your partner is OK with porn - Perhaps ITryToBeSensible is projecting?

Is Thai Massage a code word for brothel?

I honestly dont think it is

Many if not most establishments described as Thai massage places will offer masturbation for an additional fee at the end of the session

Well there are all sorts of women, and quite a few men, who post on MN. I think I've rarely read a post from someone I would identify as a prude.
Unfortunately there are a lot of posts by people whose main intent is just to wind up other posters.

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff thanks for your post. Are you a woman? It sounds very different being the man without libido, but aside from that it's very similar, though our droughts are a few months rather than 8 years.

But yes I can totally empathise and get what you're saying and that's how my husband must feel. Thanks for sharing.

I disagree op. You have made so much effort to work on things, whereas the pp is dealing with the frustration of her husband not even caring enough to try as well as the lack of sex x

I have a thai massage every month as it really helps for the stress build up in my back. I think you’ve allowed a lot with only fans etc has he asked how you are? how you feel about him looking at that? Sending hugs and hope it works out for you x

Seems to me you're throwing your marriage away, I'd do anything for the woman I love but sex to a man is the connection to his woman and by deliberately stopping that three things could happen;

1, he will either look elsewhere (depending on moral)
2, he will completely switch of from you emotionally
3, he will just break up with you because he will think he may aswell just be single (depending on morals)

Either way if you don't sort it out one of this will happen, that's up to you.

I’m quite relieved to see the last two posts which are a bit kinder to the OP. But my goodness I’m so shocked at the majority of people’s opinions on here and the unkindness shown to OP!! I know a lot have stuck up for you but there’s been some awful comments about the “POOR MAN” … umm what??!!

For goodness sake - isn’t marriage supposed to be in sickness and in health? It sounds as though OP has had a really hard time of it and is reaching peri menopause, as well as having had a traumatic birth (bringing his child into the world!!) and has a v v young child still (and given how f-ing selfish and self centred her OH is I’m guessing she does everything for the DC!)…. She’s probably knackared, has a husband who is sex obsessed and only cares about fulfilling his own needs…. And people are saying the poor guy isn’t getting sex. Is anyone surprised he sounds so selfish and.self absorbed!!! What’s he doing to support OP?!! Women aren’t just they’re to have sex with their husbands it’s 2025!! He needs to grow up, and quite frankly (I’m sorry OP) it sounds like he is looking into Thai massages for a reason, which is absolutely disgusting. You have nothing to be sorry about here - he should be understanding and supportive.
as should the people who are replying on here. I’m heartbroken to see some of the responses when all you needed was a supportive group and some back up. Sending love and hope it all works out. Tell him to buck up his ideas and support you and show kindness and compassion, or find yourself someone who does.

Hi @namechange811 yes I'm a woman and you're right it's not an exact comparator - DH has made some effort but not as much as you for sure.

I just wanted to get across to you the desperation he might feel. Not just for sex, but, just not knowing when or even if this situation will end and feeling out of control.

That kind of feeling isn't rational but it might be motivating some of his behaviours.

Anyhow, good luck.

Both my parents get a regular Thai massage and are constantly telling us how great they are! They are opening all over the country on high streets etc - MN posters are losing their minds and causing you infinite worry by claiming they are brothels. I think they are thinking of soho in the 80s or something. BTW my sister works in a male dominated industry, and all of them admit to using porn regularly as do their mates apparently. All the MNs who are horrified that it takes place are clueless or deluded. It’s gross but very normal. Don’t over react.

This is an unhealthy attitude to sex and the only fans, porn are fuelling it not satisfying anything.

He needs an only fans and porn detox.

I wouldn’t be putting up with this. I think you are feeling guilted into accepted this behaviour but you don’t have to.

Regarding the massage it’s really gross if he is doing this for a sexual thrill. Lack of boundary and respect for women in what is a legitimate treatment.

He is not acting in a healthy way, per above his viewing habits and can see this as a step towards in person gratification.

You are right to be worried and need more counselling together to see if you can get this part of your relationship on track.

Stop putting up with this shit. Sorry you had such a tough time, some one to one counselling may be helpful too regarding your self esteem and healthy boundaries.

The reality is, a lot of ‘massage places’ are fronts for various forms of prostitution. Why didn’t he go to a physio? There are clinics all over the place, usually containing physios for complex conditions and sports massage therapists for basic muscle massage and stretching. You don’t need Sherlock Holmes to tell you that a man who is sexually frustrated and then books himself a ‘Thai massage’ is up to something.

Deliberately stopping? She's done no such thing. She's trying to sort stuff out, while going through childbirth, sleep deprivation and perimenopause! Meanwhile he's watching porn and only fans, which would put me off sex with someone for life.

I don't agree. The responses in summary are that you can't simply shut down one's sexual relationship and expect there to be no consequences. It is, as you say, 2025 - but that only means that people are more likely to leave relationships than in the past.

As for whether he supports the OP adequately: you conclude this purely because he's male. The OP hasn't mentioned this as an issue and even if she had, we'd only be getting one side of the story.

I don't think he's seeking out sexual services at all. I think he wants an actual massage and that's all.

It is said that lots of massage businesses offer 'extras' and that this is easy to discover. Well, I couldn't find any indication of this at all, leastways from Google searches and reviews. Some businesses specifically say 'no sexual services'; others don't, but for other reasons it was clear they didn't. I bet this really annoys massage therapists.

I did discover that there's an app that tells you which places do this (seems like there's an app for everything 🤮). But the OP's DH clearly doesn't have this because he's been googling instead.

Ok @TomPinch appreciate your side of it.

I just really resent the way people are talking about, as you say, consequences… relationships and marriages are about working with each other, supporting each other through tough times, which is great that the OP and her OH have done in the past - but it shouldn’t be “consequences” for her having gone off sex. Shouldn’t he be trying to work things out, be gentle and kind and considerate and patient rather than worrying about his own needs… which are quite off putting and are probably making OP feel less attracted to him anyway!!

Think about it another way… this is clearly a psychological problem, and possibly physical too… but that’s still a medical issue. If OP was ill with a more visible condition, she had an accident and ended up in a wheelchair chair or something - is that then ok for him to then go and do what he wants?! Would people still be calling it consequences, absolutely not. It breaks my heart for the op.