DH booking Thai massage

[namechange811]

Context is my DH and I have had marriage troubles, and saw a really good couples therapist 2023-24 who helped us really understand our issues under the surface - both had difficult upbringings. We have a 4yo and I had a difficult birth in Covid and we also had money worries and no wider family to help - so things got fractured for a while. Sex stopped happening mainly as I didn't feel up to it, even after I'd healed from the birth and ever since. He was emotionally distant and I was physically distant.

During the bad patch when we were arguing, he would use OnlyFans to watch live things and get himself off. It was gross and I expressed how much I hated it. But at the same time I did understand that he was massively frustrated as I wasn't having sex with him.

Anyway fast forward and things have been much better and we've been emotionally closer and more understanding even though external challenges have continued. We have felt more of a team and we don't really argue anymore. However, the sex still hasn't started up again properly, bar the occasional quick thing, but very rare.

I want to work on it but feel after so much has happened I don't know where to start, and also a lot of my issues around tiredness, body image, lack of confidence have remained, so I have no libido.

In the meantime I'm pretty sure DH looks at Pornhub, and he's obviously really sexually frustrated which I get, and I've seen him looking at Netflix shows with sexy women in, and women online (daily mail sidebar of shame) and just a lot of the time during his down time. Basically I feel like he has sex on the brain and is really frustrated.

Aaanyway, today I used DH's phone whilst he was doing DC bedtime because my battery had died. His browser was open on a page showing he had either booked or tried booking a "Thai Massage", while at work today in the City. I then looked at his history and saw he had googled Thai massage in the City of London before locating a booking site which seemed like a legit booking site for treatments etc.

I'm confused and feeling depressed about this. I don't know if he went or just tried to book. He doesn't get massages by the way, ever. And so if he suddenly went randomly for a massage and it was innocent he would have told me right? Was he going out of a sexual reason to get a thrill? I assume these were legit places but his rationale I don't trust was straightforward massage.

I don't know what to say or do? If I ask him it looks like I snooped (which I did) and would break his trust altogether - what's left of it.

How should I proceed?

You and your husband have mismatched sex drives. In this case you have imposed a sexless marriage on your husband. Fair enough if you both want that, but he clearly doesn’t. While nobody is entitled to sex it’s not unrealistic to expect it as part of a marriage. It’s what you sign up for after all, and it’s can’t be much of a shock that he’s now seeking it elsewhere. It’s gross what he’s doing and he shouldn’t be doing it, but given he’s clearly looking for sex outside the marriage you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that he’s open to an affair at some point. I’m not for one second saying you should be having sex you don’t want, but you should be open to taking steps (e.g. seeing your GP) that will help to restore your libido. That’s if you still want him, of course. You may not.

Thanks @MayaPinion I agree with everything you've said. I have already been to the GP, and started HRT with testosterone a year ago. I've also been taking supplements and I've had therapy for a number of years in addition to our joint counselling.

Ummm I get Thai massage all the time and I definitely dont have any sexual contact during 😂😂😂😂

And is any of this having any impact on the situation?

The problem is that there is no sex within the marriage. I couldn't stay in a marriage like this as sex is important to me. The porn etc is just a plaster over a gaping wound. At some point he is either going to leave or find sex outside the marriage. I would hope the former but not all men are brave enough to end things.

You need an open and frank conversation about where this is heading. He doesn't deserve a sexless marriage and you don't deserve to feel under so much pressure. Unfortunately sex can be a key part of a relationship for some and equally some women never regain a libido.

Would you consider a sex therapist?

I'm a bit confused

You accept him wanking to porn, OF etc. You don't see that as cheating and you let him get on with it, without joining in etc

And yet a massage Google search sends you down a prostitute rabbit hole?

You may be putting things together in your mind and perhaps incorrectly (or not!). No harm in a thai massage if its a legit place and he's not going to sexually harass them. I've had lots of Thai massages and it's a normal health and wellbeing thing. The porn/sex stuff may be an entirely separate issue.

Would you be surprised if he was having a 'happy ending' massage? You do know he's obviously gagging for sex. It depends fully on if you can forgive him. But where does the line get drawn. Is it OF, is it getting wanked off, is it getting a blowie, is it actually have PV sex with a prostitute?
Do you definitely want to be with him? If you know you may never want sex with him regularly again?

I DO want to face regular sex with him though. I just want to feel like that.

You’re going to have to exercise that muscle @namechange811 It’s atrophied after 4 years and your libido isn’t going to just come back with no effort on your part. This is what any sex therapist will tell you.

You will need to start off with physical contact when you aren’t necessarily feeling motivated to do so. Not go straight to PV sex but be prepared to give erotic massages to your DH, moving up through all the lesser sex acts until you are back having regular sex at a cadence which works for you both. This will be a commitment to him timetabled in and one you can’t refuse because you don’t feel like it when the time comes (obviously illness or injury would be different).

But are you sure your libido has died and it’s not just that you no longer find your husband sexually attractive? Because if the love has gone or the sexual attraction has completely gone, it may be time to say goodbye to the marriage completely rather than have sex with someone you don’t want to and will never want to. It may be that a new partner would see the libido coming back with a whoosh.

But when it's booked by me in the city it's usually "Thai massage".

You know that too, right?

BY MEN.

Not by me. Ha!

The thing is.....you've done all the right things (hormones, counselling etc) and your libido is still non-existent

I wonder if you just don't fancy your husband?

There's a lot of naivety going on here. I used to be a very part time massage therapist and I just up the road was a "massage parlour". Yes they do normal massage because a lot of people don't realise that anything else is on offer...one of my clients was horrified when he was asked if he wanted 'extras'.

When I left Treatwell and just used my google listing to advertise, over 90 percent of calls were from men assuming that I offered other services. And I hate to say but 90 percent of the men were muslims. I just gave up in the end because it wasn't worth the hassle.

@Katrinawaves @Calmhappyandhealthy

I do fancy him. I don't fancy anyone else and don't fancy the idea of having sex with anyone else, or any "fantasy" person like a film star or whatever, so I just think I've gone off sex entirely.

Also we have been through a lot together and come out the other side, and we've done a lot of work together in joint therapy - and as a result I feel we know each other and understand each others' psychology and psyche better than the vast majority of couples probably do. So I'm not going to walk away from this marriage easily. I know the onus is on me to start giving him more of what he needs. It's about finding how to do that in a way that is loving towards both of us, and not disregarding either of our feelings.

What I’m trying to say to you though @namechange811 is that to recover your libido and reestablish your sex life at a level which works for you as a couple you will have to disregard your own feelings of not wanting sexual contact on a particular night. Which is a very uncomfortable place to be in as we all feel (rightly) that we have an inalienable right to say no.

If you were getting professional advice on this, it would literally be a timetable which you both have sight of which says things like on Monday at 8pm, namechange will give DH a massage lasting 20 mins and will touch the following parts of his body. DH will touch only the following parts of namechange’s body. On Wednesday, you will do X and on Friday you will do Y. And each iteration will build incrementally to full sex on set days of the week/frequencies for a prolonged period of time

if you don’t want your apathy/antipathy to sex to be disregarded, even though you are currently disregarding your DH’s needs for some intimacy, you won’t get back to a normal sex life unfortunately.

I get what you're saying @Katrinawaves. Have you got experience of using a sex therapist? Just asking as you know how the structure would work.

I’ve had marriage counselling previously where some intimacy issues were addressed and the process was described to us as part of a description of what working with a specialist sex therapist would involve. We ultimately didn’t need a referral though. But our drought wasn’t 4 years in duration.

As others have noted, this man sounds grim and is basically cheating on you by using other women for sexual gratification. I think that this is why you have zero libido. I think you should skip the forced intimacy suggested above that apparently a sex therapist would mandate, as I do not think it would make any difference to the situation other than possibly making it worse, and go straight to divorce.

I have Thai massages all the time !? There’s one right where I live and I sometimes go in my lunch break! There’s nothing weird about getting a massage !? Most of those places have posters everywhere saying they are NOT offering sexual services.

i also don’t think I’d be leaving my partner for using porn, many many many men do, even if their partners don’t know about it or like it. If you are having issues around intimacy generally then that’s different and I’d say that was the focus, not this other stuff.

I might have missed any reference to this but do you ever feel any need to masturbate at all? Is your sex drive completely non existent?

@Aftergloww yes nonexistent and I started HRT for peri a year ago.

100% a Thai Massage is a happy ending one. He’s going there for sexual gratification.

I get a lot of Thai massages and I’m not a perv, could be innocent.
Are you open to starting up a physical relationship with him again? Under the right loving circumstances I mean.
Could you have an honest conversation about what you would need to get there? Emotional intimacy, deeper conversations, weekend away etc?

I'm currently reading a book called Mind The Gap. It's written by a sex psychotherapist and it's about why some women can have a "low libido" and what to do about it. It's very interesting and useful. I tried testosterone which helped marginally but the book has been much more useful. Although I would be turned off by your DH's emotional distance and open use of OF/porn. I don't personally think one can psychotherapy their way out of not wanting to have sex in an unhappy relationship.

I think the comments on this thread have proved that many people (including me) didn't know what Thai massage actually involves and that there is a stereotype that it's the type of thing you'd book if you wanted a sexy massage and/or a happy ending