DH booking Thai massage

[namechange811]

Context is my DH and I have had marriage troubles, and saw a really good couples therapist 2023-24 who helped us really understand our issues under the surface - both had difficult upbringings. We have a 4yo and I had a difficult birth in Covid and we also had money worries and no wider family to help - so things got fractured for a while. Sex stopped happening mainly as I didn't feel up to it, even after I'd healed from the birth and ever since. He was emotionally distant and I was physically distant.

During the bad patch when we were arguing, he would use OnlyFans to watch live things and get himself off. It was gross and I expressed how much I hated it. But at the same time I did understand that he was massively frustrated as I wasn't having sex with him.

Anyway fast forward and things have been much better and we've been emotionally closer and more understanding even though external challenges have continued. We have felt more of a team and we don't really argue anymore. However, the sex still hasn't started up again properly, bar the occasional quick thing, but very rare.

I want to work on it but feel after so much has happened I don't know where to start, and also a lot of my issues around tiredness, body image, lack of confidence have remained, so I have no libido.

In the meantime I'm pretty sure DH looks at Pornhub, and he's obviously really sexually frustrated which I get, and I've seen him looking at Netflix shows with sexy women in, and women online (daily mail sidebar of shame) and just a lot of the time during his down time. Basically I feel like he has sex on the brain and is really frustrated.

Aaanyway, today I used DH's phone whilst he was doing DC bedtime because my battery had died. His browser was open on a page showing he had either booked or tried booking a "Thai Massage", while at work today in the City. I then looked at his history and saw he had googled Thai massage in the City of London before locating a booking site which seemed like a legit booking site for treatments etc.

I'm confused and feeling depressed about this. I don't know if he went or just tried to book. He doesn't get massages by the way, ever. And so if he suddenly went randomly for a massage and it was innocent he would have told me right? Was he going out of a sexual reason to get a thrill? I assume these were legit places but his rationale I don't trust was straightforward massage.

I don't know what to say or do? If I ask him it looks like I snooped (which I did) and would break his trust altogether - what's left of it.

How should I proceed?

@namechange811 you need to find out if he asked for or was offered the happy ending!! sorry but that is it!

You seem to have ignored this point OP. You seem to be ok with him objectifying women to a fairly creepy and voyeuristic extent. Only misogynistic creepy men use OnlyFans. Porn is exploitative and whilst absolutely some men use it in a relationship with consent, it feels like he is putting this all on you. You talk like this is all your fault so you have to put up with it. You don't. There are plenty of ways to get self-gratification without being a real creep (and sorry he is) and making your partner feel like shit about it. You've got a 4 year old so you are only just out of the exhausting years, and it sounds like he has barely helped if he has all this energy for extracurriculars. Honestly you need to go back to therapy if you want this to work as it's not just you, he also needs to take accountability for his actions.

You have to decide if you are happy to stay with a cheating husband or not.

My Thai masseuse would be deeply offended by that comment!

I don't have any advice as such. There is a lot of naivety among posters here about Thai massage services. After reading a thread on here I dipped into the murky world of UK Punting and was shocked to see a lot of seemingly legit Thai massage places in my area rated for the happy endings etc. Nothing to do with being racist, it is just fact that a lot of them offer alternative services. One such place stated categorically on their website that they did not, but they were one of the most popular with the punters.

I agree.

I agree OF and other websites are exploitative and weird but if you’re going to impose a sexless marriage on your husband I don’t know what you’re expecting him to do? He’s probably trying these avenues to avoid having an affair but it’s inevitable, he’s going to have an affair if he’s not already.

I'm in the same situation but it's my husband that has no libido. It is causing significant problems in our marriage. I would never be unfaithful, but I have considered ending the marriage due to our mismatched sex drives and it's not off the table.

You have taken steps to try and restore your libido, but the fact remains that you have no sex drive and your husband does, and I disagree with the posters who are clutching their pearls at the outlets he's choosing for his. Living in a relationship where there's no physical intimacy when you crave it is grim. I masturbate to porn - yes, yes, shoot me. I listen to erotic audiobooks, and read erotic fiction. It turns you into a secretive person, because the last person I can talk to is my husband - no one wants to be nagged into sex. Being a considerate partner means shutting up about it and finding other ways to deal with your sex drive, and I'm not sure it's anyone's place to judge them. Your husband hasn't been unfaithful. He's honouring his vows, at least.

I agree with everyone that suggests a sex counsellor, if you're serious about taking the relationship forwards.

Oh, and the thai massage is a red herring.

No way would I put up with onlyfans. I bet they're all younger with tiny bodies too. I couldn't have sex with him again

Lots of them offer sexual services. I know the ones near me do in London as people wrote about it in the reviews!! Was hilarious to read tbh.

On those saying OP should stop her husband from watching porn or even looking at 'sexy ladies' in a film, I find that so controlling and restrictive. If my husband wasn't having sex with me AND wouldn't let me watch porn either or was controlling about who I looked at in a film!! Tbh I'd probably just leave. I'm not in a relationship but even when I was I would have found it massively intrusive if someone tried to stop me from getting myself off or watching porn. It's sounds incredibly controlling and isn't cheating IMO but lack of sex can lead to cheating unless fixed. Restricting porn would lead to that result faster as they'd feel suffocated with frustration.

But on another note yes things don't sound good and the Thai massage could be nefarious or it could not be. You could ask him and see his reaction.

My masseuse is Thai and talks to me about this. She won’t massage men due to the assumption. There’s plenty of parlours who also offer a happy ending or “sucky sucky” she explained what the code is and how it works. Some places do it, plenty don’t.

I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with enjoying a massage for the non sexual physical touch aspect, it’s a big reason as to why many normal people find massages relaxing. However, it’s if it was more than that then I’d be disgusted.

You should look into the place

Look into the place but tbh only fans is cheating in my book. Same as hiring a sex worker. It's not porn. It's interaction with a person in real time. The fact he pays is irrelevant.

Reading the Daily Mail is worse than trying to book a massage imo.

I have Thai massage it's bloody painful but needed on recommendation from a sports therapist definitely not sexual in anyway.

You need to look at ways of sorting yourself out he's unlikely to be happy being celebate forever....have you seen a GP?

Kindly OP, I'm not sure why you are still together. IMO, onlyfans and porn are far worse than a Thai massage (unless this is indeed the 'happy ending' kind)..

Have you both agreed on a sexless marriage? You really need to have an honest conversation with him. Sex is important in a relationship (unless agreed otherwise).

If my husband wasn't having sex with me AND wouldn't let me watch porn either or was controlling about who I looked at in a film!! Tbh I'd probably just leave. I'm not in a relationship but even when I was I would have found it massively intrusive if someone tried to stop me from getting myself off or watching porn

Same. I think porn is one of those issues where Mumsnet is proportionally way out of step with the general population.

Ultimately, my guess is that he booked a legit Thai massage in the vague hope that he might be offered a happy ending. But none of us really know.

Some men do, (plenty don't) but that doesn't make it right/okay and Namechange is entitled to object. If Namechange doesn't like DH watching OF this may be preventing her from going forward. Trust has been lost.
Sounds like DH needs help for his excessive lust/need for sex.

Same, but it's usually pretty obvious from the website which ones are legit and which ones aren't. They don't make much effort to hide it. In person, a good tell is that most legit places have gaps at the top of the walls so the masseurs can call out if they need rescuing from pervy men.

OP, I don't see that it matters to you if he's looking for prostitutes. You already know he's fine with exploiting vulnerable or trafficked women so he can come more quickly than using his imagination. Why would one more woman be the tipping point?

Sorry to be naïve, but can't you just 'fake until you make it'? i.e. just have sex and pretend to enjoy it, to save your marriage? Millions of women will have done it before you. A sexless marriage is grim and you will eventually need to either divorce or accept that he seeks satisfaction elsewhere.

A sexless marriage is grim but having sex you don't want is fine? You need help.

Try having weekly 'date' nights, have someone babysit or go for a sleepover. Take it in turns to organise and try not to think of sex as the end goal just a possibility with the aim being to have fun. Stressing and analysing is not helping. Try reading 50 shades, worked for me 😊 If none of that works you need to have an open and frank conversation with DH and maybe try the therapy. Sometimes writing things down helps if you can't say it. Good luck.

How to proceed? Divorce.

OP a couple of things occur to me about yout libido (please ignore if you want as this already sounds too personal!)

You say you had a difficult upbringing, and have been working through it, alongside dh.

Sorry to ask, but could this be unearthing some sexual abuse? Even things that aren't obvious touching/penetration can have a big effect, such as being exposed to sex/porn//graphic sex talk from a parent/constant sexualised comments on your body, etc etc.

I say this as testosterone quite often does increase libido but it hasn't for you.

Another possibility is that you're feeling so psychologically close to dh from all the therapy and knowing each other so well, including his childhood difficulties and all the ways you've both struggled and found a path through, that the attraction has been replaced with almost like a family-type love and familiarity, so you can no longer view him as sexual. The kind of thing Esther Perel talks about.

And that's not even to mention that he might not be making you feel desirable, or actively making you repulsed by his behaviour.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news OP but my male friend booked a massage recently at an outwardly legitimate beauty and massage parlour in an upscale London area that he'd been to before without incident. This time he was offered a happy ending. So even if a place looks outwardly respectable its no guarantee. See if the place has online reviews- when my friend googled the place afterwards all the clues were there in the reviews.

If massages aren't something he does regularly, there's no reason he wouldn't have mentioned it.

Not all Thai massages are sexual, some are.

A lot of people in marriages with no sex enjoy having massages because they are touch starved. Gentle, touching and self care can help fill the void without it being dodgy or crossing a line.

I know a few women who have massages by male therapists for this reason. Nothing happens, but they are being touched by a man's hands in a professional environment where they feel safe and know it isn't cheating.

But, you know him and which it is most likely to be.