Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Other than the obvious, what very specific things would cause you to be disappointed in DC when they grew up?

217 replies

Deckthehallswithbenandhollly · 27/12/2022 08:23

I tell my DDs I will love and support all their choices except the following, which would disappoint me:

a) Ever being financially dependent on a man, changing their name on marriage or being 'given away' at a their wedding

b) Voting Tory

c) Being rude to servers/shop floor staff

Beyond the obvious list like not committing murders, what very specific things would upset you? (This is a bit lighthearted and obviously very personal to each of our values)

OP posts:
lifeinthehills · 27/12/2022 08:59

My DD changed her name on marriage. Don't care. Her life, her choice. So she preferred his name. Bigger fish to fry in life.

NoelleSnowman · 27/12/2022 09:00

Deckthehallswithbenandhollly · 27/12/2022 08:51

@NoelleSnowman

They have all the tools to support themselves

Obviously they don’t if you’ve had to resort to manipulation, control and the fear of removal of love and acceptance.

That’s awful parenting and you should be ashamed of the anti feminist principles you’re trying to force on your children.

Thedaysthatremain · 27/12/2022 09:01

I rely on a man financialy because I'm disabled in ways that mean I can't work. Sorry that my being disabled is a disappointment.

Odessafile · 27/12/2022 09:01

@justasking111 is it a shitty village though ? Home counties with opportunities in London I wouldn't be too bothered. Northern sinkhole like I live in yes I'd be somewhat disappointed.

lifeinthehills · 27/12/2022 09:02

Thedaysthatremain · 27/12/2022 09:01

I rely on a man financialy because I'm disabled in ways that mean I can't work. Sorry that my being disabled is a disappointment.

I know someone in this position too. How good that they have a partner who really is a partner in all senses. You do what works for you. Sometimes life takes its own direction.

Odessafile · 27/12/2022 09:03

@MarshaBradyo give over. What tosh.

MintJulia · 27/12/2022 09:04

Being an absent dad or not supporting his dcs
Not having a healthy work ethic
Sleeping around if he's married
Becoming an alcoholic

DS will get a fairly wintery response from me on any of these. He's intelligent, has plenty of common sense and has had good role models and a happy easy-going childhood that I've worked hard to provide. Expecting him to behave decently is not unreasonable.

midgetastic · 27/12/2022 09:05

There are plenty of disabled people who don't rely on anyone else

Relying on someone else is nice if you can fully trust the person but if you have ever been the victim of abuse you are more likely see it as a very risky activity

Original poster
Deckthehallswithbenandhollly · 27/12/2022 09:05

@Thedaysthatremain

I completely understand this is sometimes the case. And I'm sorry for your situation. I guess more talking about them making an active choice to rely on a man. I'm glad your partner is supportive

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 27/12/2022 09:06

Odessafile · 27/12/2022 09:03

@MarshaBradyo give over. What tosh.

Lol you’re all at it. Ordering people to ‘give over’. Are you the same telling your dc who to vote for too. Oh who cares probably…

Obviously reacting badly to thinking dc can choose.

YoBeaches · 27/12/2022 09:06

Deckthehallswithbenandhollly · 27/12/2022 08:23

I tell my DDs I will love and support all their choices except the following, which would disappoint me:

a) Ever being financially dependent on a man, changing their name on marriage or being 'given away' at a their wedding

b) Voting Tory

c) Being rude to servers/shop floor staff

Beyond the obvious list like not committing murders, what very specific things would upset you? (This is a bit lighthearted and obviously very personal to each of our values)

Wow, you're not controlling in the slightest. Do you want to pick out the names of their kids too?

Have they told you to do one yet - because they will.

Squarerootofpi · 27/12/2022 09:07

Only the big ones would disappoint me. Abusive, cruel, fell victim to a serious addiction, etc. Other than that it's their life and not mine. I'd probably be secretly disappointed if they grew up to like or emulate their sperm donor, useless prick of a father but I'd take my opinion to the grave.

lifeinthehills · 27/12/2022 09:07

I've always wanted to raise critical thinkers. I'd be disappointed if my children decided their votes based on what I've told them to believe or what would disappoint me. I'd also be disappointed if they chose a life that was designed to please me. I'd be happier if they held different values and opinions on some issues because they've thought about it and reasoned.

YoBeaches · 27/12/2022 09:09

Deckthehallswithbenandhollly · 27/12/2022 08:42

@NoelleSnowman

I'm trying to protect them, you don't need to spend much time on here to know how dangerous being financially dependent on a man is.

Financially dependant is different to changing your name or your father walking you down the isle. Why don't you want those? How does it put them at risk exactly?

hopsalong · 27/12/2022 09:11

I've done quite a lot of drugs in moderation. So has DH. So I think it would be hypocritical to say that, but would hope to raise a child who is sensible enough to behave as I did and only ever consume very small amounts infrequently to enhance particular experiences.

Lying is the one that I focus on most, and feel I can do most about by parenting now. To include a wide range of things, such as, in the future: not treating a woman like crap, not pretending to feel other than you do, not achieving success by pretending to skills you lack, not cheating on someone, being an honest and good friend, etc.

I would be disappointed to raise a child who measured their self-worth only by external measures of success.

Who was cruel, bad-tempered, mean with money, vain, boastful, or vengeful.

Very seven deadly sins, now I think of it!

Controversial, and wouldn't say this IRL, but I would be disappointed if I raised a child who was trans. Who they marry, who they have sex with, who they vote for etc (within reason, but any major political party in this country would be fine) is for them to decide.

fortheloveofcheesecake · 27/12/2022 09:11

Deckthehallswithbenandhollly · 27/12/2022 08:50

@talkingmorenonsense

I'm simply trying to make sure they don't end up trapped with a man. And I feel changing a name for a man or being given away on marriage are incredibly anti-feminist. They are no one's property.

....except your property by the sounds of it. Very controlling and emotionally manipulative. Don't be surprised when they go NC with you.

MrsToadflax · 27/12/2022 09:11

I don't see being given away as a sign of ownership. My DM walked me down the aisle. We saw it as a symbol of moving from my life with her to beginning my own family with my husband. I didn't take my DH name, but I am a SAHM at the mo (having had a successful career and never thinking I would want to stay home, but things change) and loving it. I'm so happy with my life and my DM is happy for me. You're saying 'Do it how I think or I'll be disappointed in you.' Dreadful.

SundaySundaySunday · 27/12/2022 09:11

lifeinthehills · 27/12/2022 09:07

I've always wanted to raise critical thinkers. I'd be disappointed if my children decided their votes based on what I've told them to believe or what would disappoint me. I'd also be disappointed if they chose a life that was designed to please me. I'd be happier if they held different values and opinions on some issues because they've thought about it and reasoned.

Agree with this.

OP you sound terribly controlling and judgmental. I would not appreciate my mother trying to tell me I shouldn’t be a SAHM or whom to vote for.

TimBoothseyes · 27/12/2022 09:12

Deckthehallswithbenandhollly · 27/12/2022 08:23

I tell my DDs I will love and support all their choices except the following, which would disappoint me:

a) Ever being financially dependent on a man, changing their name on marriage or being 'given away' at a their wedding

b) Voting Tory

c) Being rude to servers/shop floor staff

Beyond the obvious list like not committing murders, what very specific things would upset you? (This is a bit lighthearted and obviously very personal to each of our values)

I'd be disappointed if my DD was unable to think for herself and "did as she was told", just to appease someone else, which, it appears, is what you expect from your DD's. How is that outlook a "feminist" one?

MarshaBradyo · 27/12/2022 09:13

lifeinthehills · 27/12/2022 09:07

I've always wanted to raise critical thinkers. I'd be disappointed if my children decided their votes based on what I've told them to believe or what would disappoint me. I'd also be disappointed if they chose a life that was designed to please me. I'd be happier if they held different values and opinions on some issues because they've thought about it and reasoned.

This sums it up well for me

pinkhousesarebest · 27/12/2022 09:14

My dcs are at uni now so a lot of the die is cast already. They are good people and Ihope they have enough moral compass to always plough their own furrow(my dad’s mantra).
Apart from that, I would be disappointed if either of them went into teaching ( not teacher bashing as I was one).

TravellingSpoon · 27/12/2022 09:17

In the past I have fully relied on a man (full time carer to disabled DC) and it came back to bite me.

I wouldnt be disappointed if my DC's did that, would I would be nervous for them, only because I remember the absolute fear of having nothing when my Ex-H revealed his affair and that he was leaving and wanted to sell the adapted house.

midgetastic · 27/12/2022 09:17

She hasn't told her how she should vote
She has just said that she would be disappointed

But op has also done the unthinkable and touched the nerves of the sahp/our relationship is different brigade with her item 1

Sherrystrull · 27/12/2022 09:18

I'd be disappointed if they treated their partners badly.

I'd be disappointed if they became teachers.

I'd be disappointed if they stopped seeing their family.

pompomdaisy · 27/12/2022 09:19

Becoming a narcissistic mother 😉