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Original poster

When did people become so offended by evening invitations?

154 replies

AllTheDwarves · 11/05/2016 19:36

Just interested to know when people started getting so bloody offended by evening invitations to weddings? I have a big family but am having a relatively small daytime (60 ish) as that is all we can afford. That 60 is close friends and family ONLY - 30 on each side. I have now had 6 evening invitation declines and later heard of comments to other family members along the lines of "not worth a day invite so not going to bother." Has anybody else had this? I can't get my head around it. I love an evening do Grin

OP posts:
CMOTDibbler · 11/05/2016 19:45

Depends on how far it is to travel, or the logistics really. Being invited to a wedding an hour away for just the evening probably won't happen tbh unless it was going to be an epic party. Usually though, you'll be buying your own drinks, not getting fed, and joining an event more than half way through

ChocolateLocks · 11/05/2016 19:49

Depends on how well you know them and how far you have to travel. We've just been invited to an evening do in July and its 2hrs away. Starts at 6 and finishes at 1130. We have a 10 week old and so aren't going to bother going all that way for a few hours.

gamerchick · 11/05/2016 19:51

As long as you don't expect gifts. An evening invite says to me you're not important enough for a proper invite but we still want you to cough up for a gift or money.

Iliketeaagain · 11/05/2016 19:54

Depends how far away. I have no issues with an evening invite if I can drive there and back within 1-1.5 hrs.
However, if it's far enough to have to pay to come and have to stay over for what essentially is a 4 hr party, I'd not bother.

TO be fair, I wouldn't be offended by the invite, but equally I'd expect the B&G not be be offended either that I declined their invitation.

VikingVolva · 11/05/2016 19:54

When evening invitations became common.

Because (unless you were really grand and invited all the tenants after the main wedding breakfast) it was just unheard of to invite people other than to the whole event.

It is one of the successes of the rise of the 'industrial' wedding in the 00s (maybe a bit earlier) that this sort of cost-cutting comes ahead of planning the entire event for everyone within budget. Though I am beginning to see a start of a backlash against the (rather samey) industrial weddings so it may well only be a brief window of acceptability.

Original poster
AllTheDwarves · 11/05/2016 19:57

I naively didn't realise they gave that impression. I have never felt that way about an evening invite. We cut back in the day so we could afford more of a celebration in the evening when we thought everybody could join us. We're putting welcome drinks, food and midnight sarnies on for the evening and late-stayers. We haven't asked for gifts at all. Maybe we need to reassess the day/night ratio Hmm

OP posts:
ShatnersBassoon · 11/05/2016 19:58

20+ years ago for me. I'm not offended by them, but I'm never very pleased to get one. I don't like having my second class friend/family status confirmed, especially when details of the first class gift list is included.

ChablisTyrant · 11/05/2016 19:58

I would also never travel to an evening event. They are often tedious - day guests exhausted from being there so long; pay bar; little food. Sorry.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 11/05/2016 19:58

I've never liked evening invitations. It means you're just B list.

If I really really really like the couple, and its close by, I'll go. Otherwise no chance.

KP86 · 11/05/2016 19:59

Before moving to the UK I had no idea there were day and evening guests at weddings!

Our ceremony started at 3:30, nibbles handed out at 6, then reception with proper three course meal started at 7ish. All at the same venue (not a church wedding), all guests were included in the whole event. Finished at midnight and as far as I know everyone had a good time.

All these wedding breakfasts, day guests and evening only invitations is confusing!!

ChablisTyrant · 11/05/2016 19:59

We only had an evening event to get round your cost issue. Wedding service at 5, straight into evening party. Everyone invited.

RiverTam · 11/05/2016 20:00

Is the venue in the arse-end of nowhere, and not local to any of the evening invitees? I do think if you're going to split it like this the venue has to be more convenient for the evening crowd.

KP86 · 11/05/2016 20:01

By the way, I don't think I would want to go to a reception if I didn't get to see the wedding itself. Isn't that the main point of the day?

Tiggeryoubastard · 11/05/2016 20:02

To me an evening invitation says 'I've got a massive family so can't have everyone I'd like during the day, but would love you to come and celebrate with us'.
Maybe it's because I come from a large family and they have large weddings.

Original poster
AllTheDwarves · 11/05/2016 20:06

It is less than 2 miles outside of our nearest big town and about 6 outside of the city. It feels like the middle of nowhere but actually isn't. Most guests would be able to get there in 30 mins to an hour. I appreciate the travel and costs for people and would understand if they had told me this. Clearly I am no expert in wedding politics. It was the "not worth a day invite" that upset me. I feel like we need to explain our financial situation to the world and his wife.

OP posts:
camelfinger · 11/05/2016 20:06

I think they're only acceptable for guests who live locally; perhaps for a big group of work friends who all know each other anyway. Attending a wedding is an investment in time and money, which is quite a lot to ask as you don't get to see the ceremony and speeches. Evening guests can end up waiting around if the day part is taking longer than expected. I once attended a wedding where the evening guests were given vouchers to use at the bar, which was good. The last wedding I attended as an evening guest had only crisps and nuts provided. I think I ended up having loads of wedding cake as I was starving.

Chrysanthemum5 · 11/05/2016 20:07

If I got an evening invite from a colleague I'd be fine. If I got one from a family member not so happy.

It really says you're not close enough for a full day invitation. Which is ok in some circumstances but in general the wedding ceremony is the most important part and that's what I like to go to.

Original poster
AllTheDwarves · 11/05/2016 20:08

Tigger - you have it spot on. This is what I thought. Until I planned a wedding myself. We must be too nice Wink

OP posts:
CharlieSierra · 11/05/2016 20:10

Me too Tigger, plus I was first married in the late 70s and it was commonplace then, so it's nothing to do with modern 'industrial' weddings, whatever they are.

Tiggeryoubastard · 11/05/2016 20:10

You're probably one of my cousins, allthedwarves I'll see you on the night. Wink

ThoraGruntwhistle · 11/05/2016 20:14

I think it would feel a bit insulting unless the couple explained that due to space/cost the day part was very limited in numbers. If it's a really small family-only type thing but a big party in the evening, it seems less like you're not good enough to go to the ceremony.

HanYOLO · 11/05/2016 20:15

I'd not be offended

But it depends if it was going to be a really good party; or arriving into a hotel function room that smells of everyone's food, having missed the speeches, not to be fed, paying for overpriced drinks and no sense of occasion.

We had a smaller number (40 plus kids) for lunch in a fancy restaurant then 100 back to our house for barbecue, cocktails, dj and fireworks. We didn't have many decline and it was kind of the main event.

HanYOLO · 11/05/2016 20:16

And we didn't invite any of our cousins to any of it.

RiverTam · 11/05/2016 20:16

I should say I wouldn't mind an evening invite, I get that if you're doing the whole singing-and-dancing wedding it's a big cost, but at the same time I'd like it to be easily accessible by public transport!

superwormissuperstrong · 11/05/2016 20:16

Probably since the wedding industry became so commercialised. 20 years ago most weddings were in local area and I only ever had these invites where I was aware and not offended that I wasn't a close friend or family, maybe a colleague or fellow student. There would be no gift list attached to such an invite do you just turned up with a card, bottle of wine, no special outfit needed or need to stay in a hotel.
These days they seem to going to closer family and friends to facilitate the wedding being in a flashy out of town venue and they come with very expensive gift lists or cash gift requests attached. They feel like a cost rather than a party and I have no qualms declining them if it's not convenient to attend or there is an implied 'price' in the form of an expensive gift to attend. More so if it's a flash venue that shows that they are penny pinching by limiting guests rather than realising the venue is not the most important part of the wedding...