When did people become so offended by evening invitations?

[AllTheDwarves]

Just interested to know when people started getting so bloody offended by evening invitations to weddings? I have a big family but am having a relatively small daytime (60 ish) as that is all we can afford. That 60 is close friends and family ONLY - 30 on each side. I have now had 6 evening invitation declines and later heard of comments to other family members along the lines of "not worth a day invite so not going to bother." Has anybody else had this? I can't get my head around it. I love an evening do

[Shenanagins]

I grew up in rural Scotland and it was pretty common. Reception would be in the local community hall and evening invites would generally be for people in the community who weren't particularly close friends/relatives.

[Drquin]

Shenanigans just come on to say pretty much the same thing (incl location!)

For me, it is pretty standard to have "daytime" guests, who would go to church mid-afternoon on a Saturday, then to hall / hotel for dinner & drinks. Then "evening" guests arrive at 7 / 7.30. By which time, the venue room has been "turned around" .... Tables and chairs re-arranged so it suits "a party" which then starts at 7/7.30 and everyone's equal.

Those offended at an evening invite would probably be apoplectic to have received the evening invite then be "upgraded" on the Friday night due to someone else cancelling at the last minute I never have - as these are my friends / family's home have committed to paying hotel prices for dinner, I'd rather someone (me!) ate it than them pay for nothing.

[KyloRenNeedsTherapy]

We don't generally bother with evening invites - we're either close enough to be invited to the whole thing (and actually see the wedding which is kind of the point of it!) or not close enough in which case it's a very expensive party!

When we have been to evening dos in the past there is a feeling you're a spectator to the main event as everyone else is sharing stories of the beautiful wedding and you can't join in.

I never take offence though - weddings are stupidly expensive now and unfortunately so many people get caught up in the need to have the wildly expensive car/matching tie backs/ludicrously expensive wedding invites that something's got to give!

[notatschool]

We're "evening only" invitees to a wedding in July (old school friend, see maybe once a year or so?). Not offended in the slightest, v happy to have been asked and looking forward to it :)

[VikingVolva]

" 'industrial' weddings, whatever they are"

It was just my way of shortening what a few others have referred to: 'weddings of the narrow range of styles promoted by the wedding industry'

[BoGrainger]

I was never bothered by evening invites when church weddings were more the norm. I would attend the ceremony if it was local then rock up in the evening to party. Now venues are more the thing I feel I am totally disconnected from the whole event as the ceremony is not an option for non-invitees and just going along in the evening just doesn't seem attractive. Also gift lists are still attached to evening invites so it seems an expensive party to me especially when it's a paying bar from the evening onwards! Perhaps I am just a tightwad in my old age.

[AllTheDwarves]

This all feels very much split by people's personal experiences. All I can do now is make sure ours doesn't become somebody else's bad experience mumsnet post

[BriteRainbowBright]

I hate evening only invitations. I may be in the minority but if I'm invited to a wedding I do actually like to see the people get married!

[Lules]

No I don't really get why people dislike them. The ones I've been have to been great - go to church ceremony, then pub with evening guest friends all afternoon and then turn up for the dancing. And as for people saying that they're offended because they're B list, well yes, but that's the way friendships work - there are some people you're less close to than others but you're still friends.

[CharlieSierra]

Still don't get the angst. DD is getting married this summer and they have 80 extra people coming at 7.30. These are people like the groom's football mates who he wants to invite to the party but wouldn't be classed as close friends, or their colleagues, a few friends of the parents who've seen them grow up, that sort of thing. If any of them is offended then that is just petty as far as I'm concerned. They will be welcomed, and fed, and I'm sure it will be a great party to celebrate the marriage. It's also local and no one is 'expecting' gifts.

[EllaHen]

The only evening reception I have ever attended was that of a couple of locals who drank at the bar I worked in whilst at uni. We had a ball. It didn't cost me anything right enough. Apart from drinking money.

I didn't go to one of an ex colleague last summer. I put vouchers in a card and wished her well. I would have attended had she still been a colleague. I suppose that tells me that she wasn't/isn't actually a friend.

I do find it a bit disorientating sometimes when I'm at a wedding and suddenly all these new, sober folk arrive. Just kidding.

[CharlieSierra]

I was never bothered by evening invites when church weddings were more the norm. I would attend the ceremony if it was local then rock up in the evening to party

Yes, I do agree with you there. In a 'venue' the whole thing does seem private. I know people who will definitely do this for DDs wedding.

[reup]

I'm not offended by some evening invitations - work colleagues , more distant friends, friends kids weddings but I was very sad on a couple of occasions. One was an old school friend - I was the only one of 4 friends invited to evening only (all the others had partners so I felt even more left out) and all my friends were roaring drunk when I got there so it was very miserable. Another was someone I had hitherto considered a very good friend - we had been on holiday together 3 times. She had made a point of telling me she had booked a particular registry office because the room was so large. Then to only get an invite to the evening do made me really reassess our friendship (well that and her texting 5 mins before she was meant to arrive at my hen do that she couldn't come because she had a cold , plus several other similar let downs though on less big occasions.) it also meant as we didn't have a baby sitter I couldn't go with my dh.

I didn't do an evening party at my wedding - ours was very laid back just an afternoon with everyone and all their kids invited.

[Lightbulbon]

I was an evening invitee recently and I wish I hadn't bothered going tbh.

We both had to get dressed up, find a babysitter (even though there were other kids at the event) drive over an hour to a remote area then stay sober as had to drive home.

We arrived on time but had to stand and wait outside as the meal had overrun so there wasn't space for us.

Then we had to tag onto people who had all been together all day, drinking together.

Most of the day guests ran out of steam so it was all about lacklustre.

Then it ended quite early-no disco or anything.

They were a nice couple but it showed that the wedding was a financial stretch for them.

It probably wasn't worth our while going.

Bought a gift and did get a nice thank you card though.

[AllTheDwarves]

I wanted a laid back affair with a barbecue for all and drinks in the courtyard and our venue is perfect for that - except they have a minimum requirement of 30 sit-down meals. We had about 25 immediate family + bridal party so added some on, then those couldn't be invited without somebody else, and the whole thing just spiralled. In hindsight, we should have switched venue and done whatever we wanted but we loved it and it was in budget to begin with. Now we've settled on 60 and invited 150 for the evening which is a mixture of friends and relatives. There was no b-list mentality, but I can see where that would come from. I'll definitely have that in the back of my mind next time I receive an evening invitation! I don't feel I should have to explain our situation, financial or otherwise, to family and friends - I think that if they knew me at all they wouldn't make those kinds of assumptions. I'm not going to beg anybody to come. If they want to that badly, they'll be there. Day or night.

[MeMySonAndl]

"I hate evening only invitations. I may be in the minority but if I'm invited to a wedding I do actually like to see the people get married!"

That is something that I find remarkable if British weddings, I don't think there is any other place where people can choose to exclude people from a church service.

[MilkTwoSugarsThanks]

What's important OP is that having invited these guests for the evening you absolutely must spend some time with them.

The last two evening receptions we went to neither the bride or groom even acknowledged we had arrived.

Plus the fact there was nowhere to sit because the "all day guests" had spread themselves over all the tables.

I will never go to an evening do again.

[Foofoobum]

A relative of mine is getting married in Autumn and they want to keep it small as the family is huge. This is a blessing to me. I can just about tolerate an evening with my family but an entire day? Oh no thank you!

[user7755]

I like an evening do - I'll come!

The last one I went to was about an hour from home, it was a bit of a pain in the arse to get to and I couldn't drink but it was lovely to see my friend so happy and have a dance without the kids hanging around (even though it cost over £7 for a glass of wine SEVEN POUNDS!!!!)

[homeiswheretheginis]

OP you don't have to explain your financial position to anyone. But neither do you have to host over 100 people when by your own admission you can't afford it. I would be upset by an evening invitation - it would confirm I'm not that important. Instead of loads of people to "the evening", you could have had a few more all day. Nobody objects to small weddings, in fact the nicest I've ever attended had about 40 guests... But people do object to feeling like meat in the room. I think that a small and intimate wedding is always elegant. Trying for a grand occasion you can't quite afford is quite naff.

[AnneEyhtMeyer]

I don't understand people who say things like "oh the venue is too small for everyone" or "we could only afford x number of guests".

Surely you say "we have £x amount of money and x friends so that means we have £x per head - let's find a venue that can accommodate x people at £x per head"

Everyone seems to want to pretend they are rich and books a grand venue they can't afford instead of just booking the village hall.

[Tiggeryoubastard]

You have to remember that MN is in no way indicative of the real world. The professionally offended brigade thrive here. I've never in 50 years come across anybody offended by an evening invitation --not to
mention the shoes off brigade, suspect they may be the same people--.

[CharlieSierra]

That is something that I find remarkable if British weddings, I don't think there is any other place where people can choose to exclude people from a church service

You can't exclude people from any wedding ceremony, otherwise what would be the point of asking if anyone knows of any reason why the couple can't marry. No one would bat an eyelid about someone turning up at church, but it would be maybe a bit more unusual in a hotel or 'venue'. When I had my church wedding the first people I saw when I walked into church was a group of women from work and some neighbours, all sitting at the back.

[reup]

Well I was upset about not being invited to a close friends wedding ceremony and I let shoes on in the house - so that scuppers your weird prejudices. I don't think in real life anyone (except my husband) would know I was offended by not being invited as I've never mentioned it. So other people may well be the same.

[Lilmisskittykat]

To be honest ... Distance pays a huge part, I've been an evening guest where it was an hour drive there and once we got there was no where to sit and bar a hello from the bride we didn't feel part of it as the fat guests had already broke the ice got drunk and started mingling ... add to the fact I couldnt drink as i had driven (an hour taxi fare would be epic cost) and it was awkward as was a Thursday - it made for a flat night.

I don't find offense in being an evening only guest but they in my experience are the least enjoyable weddings I've been to. Probably like some one else said because you don't feel part of the actual wedding day which is the actual point