When did people become so offended by evening invitations?

[AllTheDwarves]

Just interested to know when people started getting so bloody offended by evening invitations to weddings? I have a big family but am having a relatively small daytime (60 ish) as that is all we can afford. That 60 is close friends and family ONLY - 30 on each side. I have now had 6 evening invitation declines and later heard of comments to other family members along the lines of "not worth a day invite so not going to bother." Has anybody else had this? I can't get my head around it. I love an evening do

[mouldycheesefan]

It would probably cost me £40 for a babysitter plus taxi ther and back could be up to £60 plus gift so it does make it an expensive night out.
That said, dh just flew several hundred miles for an evening do for a family wedding, so we would shell out in some cases. But generally £100+ for an evening put is quite expensive.

[NataliaOsipova]

Pootles2010 I think you have it in a nutshell! If you love weddings, then you are happy to receive an invitation to one, daytime or evening only. If you don't (at the risk of sounding like a miserable old com, I don't really like them and my DH actively loathes them!) then your feeling at a wedding invitation popping through the post is not one of unalloyed joy, but more a sinking feeling. If it's someone close, then you accept and muster up enthusiasm for their sake and behave like the perfect guest when you are there. It's their day and you go for them and to be part of it with them. If it's not someone close, then we would probably make polite excuses. An evening invitation, for us, would generally fall into the "acceptable to make excuses" category.....although, genuinely, with no offence taken.

[FoxSticks]

I'm not a big fan of evening invites but that's because I love weddings and I'm a bit sad to miss the main event.

My step brother invited us to his evening do 3 hours away when I was pregnant. Even his aunt who lived 6 hours away was an evening guest as they chose to prioritise their friends which was fine - their choice. It caused a lot of bad feeling in his family though. We told my Dad we wouldn't be going as it was too far and I couldn't stay up beyond 9pm without falling asleep! I'm sure my step brother wasn't at all bothered but my step mother caused a fuss and we ended up having to go and fork out for a hotel. That was very annoying.

[Piemernator]

The actual reason I want to go to a wedding is to see people take their vows whether in a religous or civil setting. The actual celebration may be great it could be a BBQ in the garden of a seaside cafe or a grand affair in a Castle, been to all sorts of wedding 35 in total and both these scenarios. But the party to me is not the main event.

I have only ever turned down 4 wedding invites. One because it was evening only, the other because it was DH cousin who we don't really care for much and one in Japan and one in Singapore because it was horrendously expensive to attend the weddings of friends that we were not best mates with.

[Twowrongsdontmakearight]

I think someone put their finger on when they mentioned the proportions. The ones I thought were miserable were when there were 70 ish main guests then another 30 for the evening. The other way round 30 for the meal and 70 for a big party would probably be different. Not an afterthought but invited to the 'proper' party.

[luellabelle]

I'd never even heard of evening invitations until MN and have never been invited to one. All the weddings I've been to, including my own, all guests are invited to the entire wedding

[elastamum]

My neighbours are having a really small family wedding then a wedding garden party on a separate date. No one gets offended and the party will be special in its own right. I am going to helping out with the party and am perfectly happy to do whatever they need to help make it a really fabulous day for them

[NotDavidTennant]

When did it become a 'thing' that people expected to be A-listers in every single circumstance and to take mortal offence at anything that might suggest that they are B-list?

Surely you most know that Jane from accounts is a casual acquaintance that you meet in the pub once in a while or that you only see cousin Fred once a year tops? Is it really so shocking to discover that you're not top of their list of wedding guests?

[ArcheryAnnie]

I'm baffled by the downer against evening invitations. To me, they say "we aren't going to make you sit through a long, long service in a religious denomination you have no affiliation to..." (or alternatively "we aren't going to make you dress up and travel across town to a five-minute ceremony in a dreary town hall"), "...but if you want to come to the fun bit, we'd love to see you".

Win-win.

[UnmentionedElephantDildo]

I wouldn't expect to get an invitation at all from Jane from accounts, or the cousins from the side of the family we don't see.

I agree with PPs that the rise of the 'venue' wedding has made a difference. As does moving away from home, so more people need to travel. When a lot of people were local, the running order, church/registry office, then wedding breakfast and then perhaps local friends piling in for the evening too (perhaps after an afternoon at the pub) was one thing. Venue at a distance, actual ceremony and set piece events restricted to only some, then others (who are all travelling, not just rocking up to join in because it's nearby) only having a fraction of the event is just so much more pointed.

[MilkTwoSugarsThanks]

My experience of evening dos is that they aren't much fun, so to me it does not equate to a "miss the dull stuff, come to the fun stuff".

There is also usually quite a high cost involved because they are often in out-of-the-way venues. Even without new clothes you're normally looking at £40 for a taxi, £50+ on drinks, some kind of present/donation is required so there's another £20. That's a hell of a lot of money for a lot of people.

I actually think very few people are offended by evening only invitations, but I suspect a lot just cba and then say they're offended because it actually sounds better!

[Lweji]

I'd never even heard of evening invitations until MN and have never been invited to one.

Same here.

I don't get the point of evening invitations.
Why not just have an evening wedding, short ceremony, and invite everyone?

[Pico2]

I'm not offended by an evening only invitation, but I am unlikely to accept one. I'm not that interested in dancing and I find the volume intolerable at most evening bits of weddings. I'd love to catch up with people who are there, but you don't really get the opportunity to do that during the evening most weddings.

[maggiethemagpie]

I wouldn't be offended to receive an evening invite, but for my wedding I decided not to have any evening invites, I thought if people were going to come they should come for the whole day and treat everyone the same. Just my view though, I wouldn't knock anyone who did different.

[nooka]

When did weddings start to become all day affairs? All the weddings I remember when I was young were in the early afternoon followed by tea, often in a marque. Everyone came to both the ceremony and the tea and there were loads of children and old people. For my generation of family the ceremonies were usually later and the party went on longer (so for example we got married at 5ish and then we went to our venue for the party immediately afterward), but again everyone was invited to both ceremony and party.

I can totally see why weddings cost such a ridiculous amount when people think that they need to serve a fancy overpriced sit down meal and then have a big party too. I can't see why both are necessary, it seems to make a very long very complicated and very expensive day.

[OvariesForgotHerPassword]

We've prioritised friends for our (fairly small) wedding ceremony. Extended family are invited to the evening. If they can't make it or would rather not, that's their prerogative. The ones I've invited in the daytime are the ones I'd be really upset if they couldn't attend.

The ones in the evening, if they said no I'd be like "Oh that's a shame" and move on. That's how we made the distinction.

It's a very generational thing, getting whiny over evening invites. I'm 21 and never heard anyone my age or similar complain about evening invites. It's just part of arranging a wedding.

[MagratsFlyawayHair]

Well half my cousins declined the evening invite. They lived 5-10 min drive from the venue and I had people travelling from other countries who I needed to cater for. It wasn't a huge venue. They really took the hump about it despite telling me to my face it was fine

[Fabellini]

I'm Scottish, live in Scotland, and have never been to a wedding anywhere other than in Scotland. So I'll admit my experience is limited.
But it has been the way as long as I, and my mum can remember (that's a long, long time), that there will be a ceremony, followed by a meal, then an evening reception. There will be more people invited to the evening reception, and it's not B list at all. It's friends, work colleagues, neighbours.....all the folk you'd love to have at your party!
Only on here have I ever heard of anyone being put out about it!

[expatinscotland]

'I'd never even heard of evening invitations until MN and have never been invited to one.'

Me neither. I'm foreign born, though.

Distance is the key. If it were something that was local, sure, but this whole trend for having weddings in some isolated venue, requiring stay in expensive hotels, nah, not just for a wee party.

[HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom]

Likewise Fab, and I'm English, live in England, and have only been to weddings in England.

[SiencynArsecandle]

My niece got married last year 200 miles away from where we live. The rest of my family were invited to all day although they only lived 70 miles away. I only had an evening invite. The reason given was that no small children were allowed at the ceremony - fair enough. DC are 14 and 16.

We didn't bother

[HunterHearstHelmsley]

I'd rather just have evening.. Means you don't have to buy a present!

[blueskyinmarch]

I got married in the mid 80's and everyone had a daytime meal for those invited to the whole day then an evening do. I don't know if it is a very Scottish thing but that has always been the custom at weddings. Even now my niece is planning her wedding and is having day guests plus evening guests. It is the same as inviting someone to a party. You are asking them to come celebrate with you. I have never ever been put out by receiving an evening invite.

[VioletSunshine]

It's a bit awkward to invite people you aren't really that close to, to the ceremony. I mean, if you can afford the expense to "return the favour" when extended but not super close family have invited you to their ceremony, that's one thing. But inviting extended family, friends from work etc. to the actual fun bit (for them), but not the ceremony, just seems the sensible thing to do.
That said, I'm more of a funeral person than a wedding person, but I do love a big family get together regardless of the occasion

[AllMyBestFriendsAreMetalheads]

I don't care about only being invited to an evening do, but whilst I have small children I'm more likely to decline an evening only invitation. We don't have people who can take the kids overnight, whilst if you're there all day we do have people who can have them for a few hours so even though we wouldn't stay to the very end, we can still be there for a good proportion of the day.

Pre kids and when the kids are older - evening do's will be perfect as I can no longer handle drinking all day