When did people become so offended by evening invitations?

[AllTheDwarves]

Just interested to know when people started getting so bloody offended by evening invitations to weddings? I have a big family but am having a relatively small daytime (60 ish) as that is all we can afford. That 60 is close friends and family ONLY - 30 on each side. I have now had 6 evening invitation declines and later heard of comments to other family members along the lines of "not worth a day invite so not going to bother." Has anybody else had this? I can't get my head around it. I love an evening do

[ProfYaffle]

Agree with pp, it's since ceremonies were able to take place in places other than church/registry office.

When I was a kid it was normal to have the ceremony, meal in a Hotel or whatever then a few hours gap before the evening do at a local hall/community centre/club. Everyone arrived for the evening party at the same time.

I clearly remember the first 'one venue' wedding I went to as an evening only guest, it was a bit of a shock to walk into a party already in full swing, buffet mostly demolished, nowhere to sit and being looked up and down by one of the day time guests who said "Oh look, the evening people are arriving".

[Lilmisskittykat]

• fact.. Not fat I wasn't being mean !

[burythechains]

Well, ultimately you have the day you want. But if the evening invite involves travelling don't be surprised if people decline. It does feel like being on a B list. We chose to have a wedding where we invited people we wanted to be there - not simply people we were related to - and kept the numbers low because that was what we could afford. of people we could afford. Do you really know and like 160 relatives?
(Exception: inviting a cohesive group of local work colleagues to the evening is fine).
Always love the people who suggest everyone on Mumsnet isn't 'in the real world': I feel pretty real myself.

[Gwynfluff]

I was sent a save the day card and then invited to the evening only in a city a 6 hour drive from where I live. I'd have needed to arrange overnight childcare for my 3 kids as well.

I declined the invite.

[burythechains]

Sorry about repetition.
Should have said, if B&G don't invite me to the actual ceremony (which I feel is the important part) I always feel they aren't taking that part of the day very seriously and really just want a party.

[NicknameUsed]

I wouldn't be offended, but I'm not one of those "professionally offended" people that looks for an insult in everything.

Honestly, some people overthink things way too much.

[fieldfare]

I don't mind it. With everything being so expensive I understand the need to limit ceremony and daytime numbers.
I'm from a huge extended family though, if you invited all cousins to the daytime there'd be no room for anyone else.

[PolkadotsAndMoonbeams]

It's a distance thing here too - the only one I've been an evening guest to made sense, we were part of an orchestra together and all of us (except close friends) were invited to just the evening do.

But it was a church wedding, so we asked if we could go to the ceremony too and they were really pleased we'd wanted to (obviously no space issue). So we went to the ceremony, then went home for a bit, had dinner and then went again in the evening. It was great actually (particularly since the wedding was at 2 pm - I could get some stuff done in between rather than all the hanging around!). But again, it was all very local.

[Maroonie]

Would people really rather just not be invited at all?
Because surely that's the only other option (unless you win the lottery)
I am never offended by an evening invite,
I got one that was at the other end of the country so I couldn't go but I wasn't offended- I was happy to have the choice to go or not!
I'd rather be an evening guest than an all day guest on a weekday (but i still went because I wanted to celebrate with my friend)

[HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom]

A wedding can be about more than the ceremony. It can be about bringing together friends and family to celebrate that there has been a ceremony - that two people have committed to each other, and to welcome the new in-law into their family.

Nothing wrong with that at all, in my mind.

[Maroonie]

I think I would be upset if I was he only evening invite in a particular friendship group and everyone else was there all day but that's more about being left out than being an evening guest!

[HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom]

Polka thing is, lots of people would be offended to receive an invitation to the ceremony and the reception, if they weren't also invited to the wedding breakfast (which is the most expensive part). What happened with your orchestra friends was probably the perfect outcome, though.

[HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom]

Those offended by evening invitations, who talk of A and B lists - do you put the same effort in for every single one of your friends and family at Christmas? Or do some get presents, and others only cards?

[LikeASoulWithoutAMind]

I'm not at all offended by an evening invitation but am sometimes a bit irritated by them.

As pps have said, a big group of local mates, neighbours or colleagues all invited to the evening is fine. Good fun.

Being expected to travel several hours, book a hotel, organise overnight childcare for the dcs and stump up for a gift just to turn up late to a party where everyone else is already drunk, for a crap disco and a chicken drumstick is much less fun. And bloody expensive! Having done a few, we tend to regretfully decline these days, I am afraid. The childcare issue is the big sticking point for us.

It never feels quite right not having seen the couple exchange their vows either. Surely that's the whole point of the day?

[donotreadtheDailyHeil]

I had very few evening-only attendees for my own wedding and they all lived locally. They were really friends of my parents rather than my friends but could have potentially come all day. But they didn't seem offended to be asked to the evening do and did come, and did bring a present!

I've been invited to an evening do twice. In both cases by friends who'd come all day to my wedding and to my hen day as well. So I thought I was a reasonably good friend so I guess I was little bit miffed. The first time we went as it was about an hour away. It was quite tedious. Everyone else has got to know each other during the day, is a little bit drunk and it wasn't very interesting for us. Especially when the groom started talking about the people who'd been on the evening list who'd been moved to the all day list and we realised quite how far down the pecking order we were!

The second time we didn't go at all as it was several hours away and in the event we'd booked a trip away anyway. By then we also had ds who was about 9 months old.

It all depends what your finances are like and what you want. Small ceremony/wedding breakfast and big party works ok I think but not great the other way round.

[20thcenturybitch]

So much overthinking. B list? ffs of course we can't all be everyone's BFF.

We had only close friends and family to our day and then friends from our wider circle and colleagues (both in big workplaces) in the evening. It's just an invitation to a big happy party with a band and buffet laid on. Go or don't go. I didn't put gift list in with the evening invites. We also made sure to stand in the entrance hall at arrival time and personally greet each person/group arriving to thank them for coming as once they are in it's much harder.

We've been to plenty of evenings only and had a great time. Like others have said, you would be less likely to travel/pay accommodation. A nice touch was the one where they put on a coach from the city to the venue as it was a bit out of the way.

Only bad experience I remember was the one where all us evening guests arrived and they were still in middle of the meal so we were ushered into a tiny, cramped side bar for ages and it was all a bit awkward. Just make sure that doesn't happen!

[INeedNewShoes]

I've only experienced this once. Invited to the ceremony in the church at 11am, then had eight hours to kill before the evening reception. I didn't mind this really but then turned up at the reception in the evening to wait around for an hour in a room at the venue with a handful of other people I didn't know, waiting for the A List guests to appear as it was running behind. The room had a bar luckily so at least I was able to buy myself a drink. There was then no entertainment for the evening. It was great to catch up with some old uni friends but slightly uncomfortable that they had had hours getting pissed together over the wedding meal which I hadn't been part of so I was already a bit left behind, if that makes sense.

If you have to do this two tiered invite thing it would be fine if it's quite a few people who are evening only rather than a (un)select few and make absolutely bloody sure that your evening guests aren't left hanging around for ages beyond the specified time for everyone else to appear.

[Muskateersmummy]

The last evening do we went to was lovely, everyone moved into a different room for the disco and party, so there was no feeling of walking into a party that was already happening and feeling excluded. There was a group of all of us together and the bride spent lots of time sitting drinking and chatting with us all, there was food served and a sweetie cart that opened as the evening guests arrived.

[AmysTiara]

I like evening invites. Wouldn't occur to me to be offended. Most people only have family and closest friends for the whole day. Plus I end up getting bored if I'm there all day especially if the wedding starts early

[KathyBeale]

I like an evening invitation - just the good bit without the standing around and speeches! And yes, it obviously makes sense for people who you'd like to celebrate with but aren't close friends.

We had loads of evening guests at ours - mostly my parents' friends who had known me since I was tiny. We didn't ask for presents but some people brought them. They were all local people but we also invited some colleagues and some ex-colleagues (we met at work) and a few of them came for the party which was in Edinburgh - we live in London. We had a break between the ceremony, the meal and party, the room looked completely different and it was Scotland so the party didn't start winding down until the early hours!

[Goingtobeawesome]

I'd be disappointed to get just an evening invitation, and not because I'd feel second best, but because for me the wedding ceremony is the important bit and I love seeing people get married.

When DH and I got married our first decision was everyone comes to everything then DH said he didn't want an evening do so we married at 12 and left for our hotel at six.

[NataliaOsipova]

So much overthinking. B list? ffs of course we can't all be everyone's BFF.

No - of course not - but an evening invitation basically shows that you aren't a close/top tier friend. I have never been offended to receive one, but I equally wouldn't think that I should go out of my way to travel far/rearrange other plans. I've been pleased to go to an evening reception as part of a group of colleagues - but when a university friend asked me to a distant evening party when our other mutual friends were going all day, I declined. No offence - I know that she saw the others more often - but I didn't fancy travelling for 2 hours on my own and so just sent a card and vouchers and wished her well.

I went to one wedding where everyone was invited to the ceremony at 12, but only half the guests were asked to the meal afterwards - but everyone was supposed to rock up for a 7pm buffet. Some people had travelled hundreds of miles (and hadn't realised there was a lunch to which they couldn't go until they got there!). What were they supposed to do for 6/7 hours?!

That said, I do think the obvious exception to this is where you have a really small, almost family only wedding and meal and the evening party is for the vast majority of guests.

[RhodaBull]

I think it's fine if there's actually a proper evening do - dancing, plenty of food, at least one glass of champagne/something of that ilk. Free drink is obviously too much of an expense for most people but at least a welcome drink should be offered.

What is not ok is just inviting a load more people for the evening and not differentiating it from the day do - perhaps just having a sad dj set up.

Dh and I drove two hours to the evening do of an old school friend of his. Posh military wedding. When we arrived - well after the specified time on the invitation - all the day people were still sitting at their tables. We stood around awkwardly in the lobby for a bit, then the groom said a brief hello and said the evening guests could wait in the bar - there were four of us. FOUR?!!!!!!!! It transpired there was no buffet etc either. It was beyond rude. Dh and I looked at each other and walked out and took our present with us. Dh never spoke to this person again and even refused to return Christmas cards.

[Pootles2010]

I think it depends if you like weddings. I bloody love a wedding, so will happily go to one of someone i'm not mega close to.

If you're not keen on them, you probably wouldn't be that bothered about going to one for someone who you aren't close to iyswim? And the evening invite would just confirm that.

I personally think evening bit is best bit - no nervous silence during ceremony, the three hour starvation waiting for the meal, naffy speeches! Disco & buffet/sandwiches is much better!

[CherryBlossom321]

I can't see what is offensive in the slightest. I would just be honoured to be invited to celebrate, day, evening, whatever. Do people not realise that an invitation of any kind is a privilege, not a right? You can't be everyone's favourite person, get over it. All I hear in the OP regarding the reaction from invitees (and a few other response posts actually) is me, me, me, I want. It's the couple's day and it's entirely their choice how to celebrate and with whom. OP, leave the party poopers to it, it's their loss.