When did people become so offended by evening invitations?

[AllTheDwarves]

Just interested to know when people started getting so bloody offended by evening invitations to weddings? I have a big family but am having a relatively small daytime (60 ish) as that is all we can afford. That 60 is close friends and family ONLY - 30 on each side. I have now had 6 evening invitation declines and later heard of comments to other family members along the lines of "not worth a day invite so not going to bother." Has anybody else had this? I can't get my head around it. I love an evening do

[madamginger]

We had day and evening guests at our wedding, we had family only during the day and then friends in the evening.
I'm from a very large Irish family and have a lot of aunts/uncles/cousins. We wanted everyone there but at £40 a head for food and drink it was just too expensive.
When we sent out the invitations we said that everyone was welcome to the ceremony and to stay for a drink afterwards but that the wedding breakfast was family only. Quite a few work colleagues came which was lovely of them.
We had 70 for dinner and then 140 in the evening

[chunkymum1]

I think it does say that you're not considered the closest family/friends to the couple. I have no problem with this when I already know that (eg colleagues, newish friends, distant relatives) but would be a bit upset if it was someone I thought was very close. I'd also be fine with it if I knew that it was only a small number of v close family at the wedding and I was outside that (ie it's not a personal judgement of my value just a decision on where to cut off day invitations.

I think the problem comes when there seems to be a huge all day event, somewhere miles away that most guests are attending in full.

Also, I think people declining an evening invitation does not necessarily mean that they are upset at not being invited to the day. Unless the evening do was close by I would probably decline even if I was not upset, given the difficulty of getting child care.

[BennyTheBall]

We have been invited to 2 'evening only' weddings in the last 10 years.

One was our next door neighbours' daughter's wedding - we showed our faces, had a drink and then slipped away. The other was distant friends who included the dreaded poem - we declined that one.

Weddings are a bot of a bore to us, tbh. So I think we would always be more inclined to decline an evening invitation.

[harrietm87]

Oh no...reading some of these I wonder whether we've done the wrong thing! We are having 90 to ceremony and meal ( Max the venues would allow) and then 30 more for evening. The 30 are all local (it's in London and all live there) and made up of mostly of neighbours and a lot of people's plus ones who we don't know/have only met once or twice. We have big families c.30 each so only 30 friends between us, and couldn't squeeze in other halves we didn't know at expense of actual friends (potentially another minefield!). We are having an evening buffet, disco and putting quite a lot of money behind the bar ( it's in a pub). I thought that the evening guests would think of it as just like any other party or drinks event and not feel too offended by it. Maybe I was wrong? Surely better to be invited in the evening than not at all?? We aren't having gifts at all btw.

[INeedNewShoes]

Harriet with it being 30 extra people for the evening I think it's ok.

It sounds as though those 30 people will be fed, watered and entertained.

My issue with being an evening guest was a wedding where I was one of a handful (fewer than ten) evening guests who had to hang around waiting for nearly an hour for the main guests who were in the room next door finishing their meal and listening to speeches. A sparse buffet was provided, but no money behind the bar and no entertainment. It was clear that the main event had passed during the day. It was quite frankly embarrassing (and I'd travelled 300 miles for the privilege) .

You situation sounds different, with there being a substantial number of evening only guests and you're going to look after them and they'll have a lovely time! Just try to make sure the day doesn't run behind.

[NightWanderer]

Evening only is fine for local people such as co-workers, neighbours, more distant family. Inviting people to a ceremony in the middle of nowhere and then expecting half of your guests to wait around while the other half of you eat a nice meal, then come to an evening do with no food is really rude.

My parents were invited to an evening-only in Oxfordshire, they live in the Highlands of Scotland. Obviously they declined and thought it was quite rude. If someone travels a long way they should be taken care of.

[HooseRice]

I prefer an evening only invitation. Skip to the good bit I say. I very nearly asked a bride to be friend if she'd mind if we didn't come to the day bit of her wedding she'd invited us to. I didn't cos she'd have maybe been offended.

[Hulababy]

Only ever had evening invitations for colleagues, more distant family and people we don't know quite so well. Some we go to, some we don't. It depends on timings, where and when, etc.

The main issue I have had with evening invitations is the turning up and waiting around. Almost every evening ones I've been to has involved waiting. The main day event has never finished - they are still doing the speeches for example.

So you turn up and have to stand like a spare part in a separate room or even outside until the main event has finished, always makes you feel so wanted! There is never anyone to greet you and say thanks for coming or whatever, like there is for day guests. And all the chairs and tables are occupied by day guests who obviously have made themselves comfortable and settled with the rest of their table. So you often don't really have anywhere to go and sit either.

I think people forgot when planning their weddings that they do have to treat their evening guests a little more like guests than just add ons:

Make sure there is a proper gap between day event finishing and evening guests arriving.
Make sure you or someone is around to notice when new guests arrive, welcome them, etc.
Make sure there are going to be seats (and tables) for them to sit at.
Make sure you feed them.

[randomsabreuse]

We had evening guests - DH work colleagues, local friends from hobbies etc and had no issues. We had a few more distant evening guests but were able to bump them up to day guests when family declined. They were very understanding as we made it clear we would have preferred to invite them over the family but political considerations won. In hindsight as our restrictions were budget not venue size we should have assumed the family were going to decline!

[prettybird]

Got married in 98 and some of my work colleagues were invited to the evening ceilidh, as were the rest of the inhabitants of the house where we had the marquee (mum and dad lived in a big house which had been divided into 6 plus the stables and coach house and the marquee was in the beautiful gardens).

As far as we're aware, we didn't cause any offence. Anyone travelling any distance was invited to the whole day. We weren't expecting presents from anyone (even those invited to the whole day) and told them that as we saw it as a day for a celebration and a party.

I've also been invited to a wedding but not the wedding breakfast. Didn't take insult as I knew money was right for the wedding couple. Travel was involved for me too but I was just happy to share in a small part of their day.

I suppose the alternative question could be "When did people start feeling so entitled to go to weddings that they feel outraged not to be invited to the whole thing"

[BeauGlacons]

It depends how it's done. Evening invitation from work colleagues, neighbour, etc., sent nicely all fine.

We once received an invitation from a cousin of DH's that actually gave full details of the church and said they'd love us to go (statement church in central London, so obvs they wanted lots of guests in their finery for the pictures) but we weren't invited to the wedding reception because of funds, but had an evening invitation to a place in the East End. So it was considered perfectly fine for us to dress up and travel to central London to attend their expensively styled wedding, and then to hang around in London for five/six hours or schlep home and then schlep to the other side of London for an evening party having been told we weren't important enough to attend the main event.

Were we offended, yes we were. We were family and DH had beeen close to this particular branch. Did we go, no we didn't. Did we buy a present, no we didn't. Did this part of the family show themselves in their ungracious colours, yes they certainly did. It was disgraceful but at least we know our place now. Had they just sent an evening invitation, we would have attended very happily but to be sent an evening invitation and expected to trail around London in finery fit for their wedding whilst the more important guests attended a nice lunch was just downright rude.

[Imperialleather2]

I think it depends on the size of the day service. If you are made to feel like an add on then an evening only invite can be quite insulting. You get there everyone else is usually drunk and as someone else said it's usually a paying bar.

We had a,tiny day service literally onky family and the best man (21 in total) and then all friends to the evening about 90 in total. Free bar, lovely buffet put on. We didn't ask for any presents and no body was offended (as far as,I know!)

[BeauGlacons]

What I just don't understand is when thousands are spent on a wedding: expensive dress, flowers, cars, full works, then it's a sit down meal for 80 in a nice hotel with favours and frippery and 40 guests are on a B list. Either accept a smaller wedding and stick to 80 or have a more modest affair for 120 with less add ons, a buffet, informal seating ir if you are in the country hire a fuel put a marquee on it and have a hog and lamb roast and barrels of beer.

The whole show of it has become ridiculous.

[Eastie77]

We went to an evening only invite yesterday and had a great time. I've known the bride through work for 2 years now and we are friends but not extremely close. I was not offended at all (and have never felt slighted when I've received evening only invites in the past). There was a free bar, plenty of food, brilliant DJ and no drunk guests when we arrived. It helped that the venue was 5 mins walk away.

I am always relieved when I receive evening only invites tbh. I find the church ceremony and lunch tedious and speeches usually make me cringe a bit.

That said, if a very close friend invited me to the evening only I would probably be a bit upset...

[Redglitter]

I've always seen evening invites as things you get from colleagues or friends/family who aren't particularly close. My pal got married in the 80s and I remember her sending out evening invites so it's not new.

I've never been offended and I'd always take a present- I just wouldn't spend so much as I would for an all day event.

[ExitPursuedByBear]

I was offended to be invited to the evening only of the wedding of friends' daughter. I thought we were closer than that. Can't remeber what happened but suddenly we were invited to the whole thing and went. It was a 90 minute drive away and we had a small child. I couldn't have been arsed to go for the evening only as to me the wedding and the speeches are the important bit. I was surprised that some evening guests pitched up for the service and then hung about somewhere waiting for the evening reception. I think it is fine for work colleagues etc who are local.

[WanderingNotLost]

I've only ever had one evening invite and I'll admit I was a bit about it... I'd been invited (with DP) to the ceremony, which was a 45 minute drive from the reception venue, and the evening reception- but not the bit in between. Add to that the fact that the wedding was taking place near Dundee, and we were travelling up from London- and we'd already booked the travel/hotel when our invite arrived!
As it was they managed to fit us in to the main reception in the end when other people couldn't make it, so no harm done.

[WhatTheActualFugg]

I really don't get the upset and offensive caused by an evening invite.

Although, having said that in my experience evening invites are for local friends and work colleagues. People you like going out on the town with, or having over for a dinner party, but not best forever-buddies.

The evening dos I've been to usually add a big injection of renewed energy and party atmosphere to the occasion.

But asking someone miles away to the evening only, yes, rude imo. Because that suggests you're wedding and friendship is worthy of the invitee taking the time and effort to travel, but it's not important enough for you to make room for them during the day.

[scarlets]

Wouldn't bother me as long is it were local, and an effort had been made with seating, food, entertainment etc.

[CointreauVersial]

Well, we had a tiny wedding (immediate family and six closest friends), then had 100 for the evening party. With heaps of food and a free bar.

Anyone who felt like a second class citizen kept quiet about it, or they would have been on the early bus home!

[sandgrown]

When DD married I would have liked to invite all my close friends who saw her grow up but finances would not allow it. I had to just invite her godparents etc. She had a late wedding and no evening do but I did invite any friends who wanted to join us for a drink in the evening ( quite local)' When other events have taken place since (opening of DD's business) I have invited the people who could not attend the wedding because I wanted them to feel valued .

[Glitteryfrog]

Can't remeber what happened but suddenly we were invited to the whole thing and went.

Sounds like someone cancelled last minute. I've been upgraded a couple of times from evening to day guest. I don't mind at all.

[SoupDragon]

I think only guestzillas are offended by an evening invitation.

[miaowmix]

Exactly like CointreauVersial here - tiny wedding, huge party, all paid for and catered for, food and drink for all friends. Everyone seemed happy. I don't give a stuff if I obly get invited to an evening event (especially as I'm not wildly bothered if there's a religious aspect to the day).
In the real world I have only met ONE person who gave a fuck about this and she was Australian and had never ever heard of the custom. It is totally normal among my peers and has been for c 20 years.

[sharksinthegrass]

Because for me I would need kennels for the dog
Babysitter for the kids
I don't drive so taxi cost or train and hotel if further away
Then present.

So would probably say no for a few hour party for someone not considered close enough to attend the service tbh