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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Would you let them stay in the same room?

182 replies

mears · 15/04/2006 18:08

My DS who is 16 yrs wants to have a moviethon (watch films all night) with his girlfriend who is 15. He asked if she could have a sleepover and I said yes as long as they slept in separate rooms. He said that spoiled the moviethon aspect and frankly he is really hurt because he thinks I don't trust him.

I said he needed to find out what her parents thought. They are OK with them being in the same room with different beds.

I have taled to his girlfriend and they really are so hurt that we even suggested that they should not be 'allowed' to stay in separate beds in the same room. 'Don't you trust us?' is their response.

I don't trust nature wanting to take over but they really are level headed. It is so sad that they think DH and I think so little of them, which rteally is not the case.

What do you lot think?

OP posts:
lucy5 · 15/04/2006 18:10

I wouldn't trust kids of that age, no way!!!!!!

waterfalls · 15/04/2006 18:11

I would'nt trust a 16 yr old either, but he is of a legal age, but if the girl is not 16 then I would forbid it.

colditz · 15/04/2006 18:12

Having been a 15 year old girl only 10 years ago, my answer is...

Not a bloody chance. One of my friends got pregnant at 15 because her mother trusted her and her boyfriend, she was a very sensible girl, and is a fab mother now, but still... 15!

i played the "hurt and betrayed" card so many times with my parents to try and persuade them to let my boyfriends stop over - thankfully they didn't trust me, because I would have had sex, a lot more than I did anyway.

She is only 15. If nature does run it's course, you could be done for encouraging underage sex!

expatinscotland · 15/04/2006 18:12

hmm. that's a tough one, mears.

what do they know about sex? do you feel comfortable that if they did have sex, they'd use condoms and back up birth control? that'd they'd be able to cope emotionally?

bakedpotato · 15/04/2006 18:13

My snap instinct would be no way.
Have you spoken to her parents yourself?
I remember pulling the 'so hurt' stunt myself, but my parents never bought it Smile

Original poster
mears · 15/04/2006 18:13

Their response is 'duh.... we know all about that'. We are not planning sex. We only want a sleepover like they have with their other friends.

OP posts:
Hausfrau · 15/04/2006 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

roisin · 15/04/2006 18:18

Why not suggest they invite some other friends too?

lucy5 · 15/04/2006 18:19

hahaha roisin, you are switched on! Great idea!

Caligula · 15/04/2006 18:22

mmm, cunning, roisin.

I have often not intended to have sex as well, and then had it.

And that was in my twenties.

roisin · 15/04/2006 18:24

If I were a teenager (would that I were) the only reason I wouldn't be inviting other friends would be that I was planning to have sex - whether or not I admitted it to myself or my parents.

Original poster
mears · 15/04/2006 18:31

Now you are all in the same mindset as me. However, her mum and dad are not. Does that mean they trust them more? We discussed the sex bit and ds is adamant they were not going there - nor did they want to.

Are we the ones with bad attitude?

ps don't fancy a group of them though they have done that at other friends houses. DS had another friend (female) whose mum allows har BF to sleepover in the same room.

OP posts:
Caligula · 15/04/2006 18:36

Either the other parents don't mind them having sex or they have extremely bad memories.

It always used to amaze me how forgetful adults were about being a child/ teenager. I always thought when we grew up, we wouldn't be so absent minded.

Seems some of us still are!

Piffle · 15/04/2006 18:37

I would if I had spoken to the other parents. And I had a good open relationship with my ds, which it sounds like you do...
do make him aware although I expect you have, that he is of consensual age, she is not and in the eyes of the law (and her parents, young love and consent notwithstanding) it (sex) would be still classed as a form of rape.

DominiConnor · 15/04/2006 18:40

I'm in something of a minortiy on this, and I happen to be male...
My view is that it's >50:50 they're already having sex based upon statistics rather than any knowledge of your DS.
Also, my guess is that a 15 yo girl who finds the idea of sex with a boy appalling doesn't agree to a sleepover. Huge assumption there, but given we have a lot of people around here who were 15 yo girls,, me if I'm completely wrong ?

My personal morality is that it doesn't make something better or worse if it happens under my roof or that of the girl, or at some party.

I sometimes see parenting as a 25 year losing dominance struggle :)
When you're losing, and you know that you aren't getting reinforcements (military analogy, OK I'm male), you cut the best deal you can.

I wouldn't be jumping for joy that my 16 yo was enganging in illegal sex. But I can't see any way you can stop it, though you can make the process
less pleasant for everybody.
You don't have to tell me the answer to this question, but if you found out that DS was having sex with this girl, would you shop him to the police ?
I'm going to assume that the answer is "no"...

So, perhaps you can choose to play one of the few cards left to the parent of a teenager.
My concerns would be to ensure that appropriate levels of protection were being used, and also that the girl was not being bounced into a situation that she didn't want.
I'd rather this phase of my kids life was pleasant and romantic rather than the rather less salubrious events that my peeers went through.

A confidant and helper can have more influence over the behaviour of a 16 yo than someone who enforces what they can see, because you're now in a period where you only see the tip of the iceberg.

spidermama · 15/04/2006 18:42

My mum let me stay at boyfriends houses and let my boyfriends sleep in my bed. Her reasoning was that if I wanted to have sex I'd find somewhere, some way and to it anyway, so it's better she knows about my whereabouts, even if she doesn't quite approve.

I don't yet have teenagers, but I have to say I respect the way my mum went about this. I never lied to her because I knew she was very unlikely to ban me from doing anything. (All my friends lied to their parents). Also I took myself off to the Doctor just before my 16th birthday and got the contraceptive pill. Then I began experimenting.

Compared to my friends I was very level headed and totally in control of my early sexual experiences. I kept my mum informed (not about the details obviously).

Ledodgy · 15/04/2006 18:49

If they are going to be watching movies all night in his bedroom anyway then why bother going in seperate rooms to sleep? They could easily do something while they are "watching" movies in his bedroom iyswim regardless of where they sleep.

expatinscotland · 15/04/2006 18:52

I lost my virginity whilst 'watching movies'.

cataloguequeen · 15/04/2006 19:13

I think your request is pretty reasonable you want them in separate rooms to sleep not watch the movie Grin??!!what did he expect??

btw don't fall for the 'hurt' thing he's pushing it!

colditz · 15/04/2006 19:19

yes Expat, I lost mine while 'playing cards'! Funny how these things happen.

Janh · 15/04/2006 19:20

FWIW I would say separate rooms too, mears, but I had girls first and IME girls sleep at the boy's house which puts a huge burden on the parents of boys (except that the majority don't seem that bothered - because boys don't get pg?)

Yes of course they can have sex at any time of day, and it doesn't have to be in a bedroom, but you are drawing a line in the sand and good for you, there is a principle at stake here. Ignore the "hurt".

Carmenere · 15/04/2006 19:22

I agree the 'hurt' thing is a childish ruse. If you are uncomfortable about them sleeping together under your roof you have every right to deny it. And they will be sleeping together - do you think there will be no kissing, no touching etc.
It is very normal for teenagers to lie, they are feeling their way in the world and they think they are cleverer than you therefore you are just a problem to be managed in order for them to get their own way.
If you are happy for your son to have sex under your roof allow him to have his girlfriend to stay.

littlerach · 15/04/2006 19:22

If they are watching films al night, culd they watch them in the lounge?

Or perhaps they should be allowed to stay in the same room, but the door must be open.

Not sure if that would make a difference though.

Janh · 15/04/2006 19:23

Perhaps they could keep one foot on the floor at all times, lol Grin

DominiConnor · 15/04/2006 20:05

Speaking as a former 16 yo boy, the movie is part of the game. Useful for drowning out certain noises....

If you think that it would hurt your kids if they had sex, then I'm all for stopping it, if you can.

But I didn't enter parenthood so that I could avoid "being hurt", nor am I territorial enough to be hurt.
Forcing my kids into a situation where they will lie to me and just do it somewhere else in less pleasant and less safe circumstances just so I can "draw a line" is not my ideal of parenting.

Also, be very clear, and again I speak as a bloke.
The point of drawing a "line in the side" is to challenge someone to a fight.
If this were drugs, I'd be up for that fight, but I don't see sex as the same thing.

As for kids thinking they were "cleverer than you", I was smarter than my parents, when they crossed me on stuff like this got bloody.
Seems to me that starting a fight you are not going to win with 16 yo DS is going to hurt you both.
To you it's one of many issues, to your DS this is close to a life & death situation. You may win, yo may not, I'd bet on DS.

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