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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Would you let them stay in the same room?

182 replies

mears · 15/04/2006 18:08

My DS who is 16 yrs wants to have a moviethon (watch films all night) with his girlfriend who is 15. He asked if she could have a sleepover and I said yes as long as they slept in separate rooms. He said that spoiled the moviethon aspect and frankly he is really hurt because he thinks I don't trust him.

I said he needed to find out what her parents thought. They are OK with them being in the same room with different beds.

I have taled to his girlfriend and they really are so hurt that we even suggested that they should not be 'allowed' to stay in separate beds in the same room. 'Don't you trust us?' is their response.

I don't trust nature wanting to take over but they really are level headed. It is so sad that they think DH and I think so little of them, which rteally is not the case.

What do you lot think?

OP posts:

harpsichordcarrier · 15/04/2006 20:22

yes i would absolutely trust them....

to have sex
they must think you just got off the bus, surely.

Caligula · 15/04/2006 20:22

Lots of what you say is true DC but there's one big glaring issue, and that is that the girl is under-age.

I know the police say they're not prosecuting in cases like this, but I bet you they will prosecute one of these one days. That's what happens with badly drafted laws - eventually, they get used for a purpose they weren't designed for.

If things go wrong between these kids in a few weeks time, the fact that he's had sex with her may make him liable to prosecution. It's highly, highly unlikely, but for me, it would be just too close to comfort to be relaxed with my DS taking the risk.

Caligula · 15/04/2006 20:23

Harpsi that's what so lovely about teenagers - they do think we've all just got off the bus!!

Janh · 15/04/2006 20:27

DC, do you have a daughter and if so, how old is she?

Janh · 15/04/2006 20:49

Also, drawing a line in the sand might mean "fight!" to a hormonal 16-yr-old boy but to a middle-aged mother of 4 teenagers-and-older it just means "this is my boundary, OK?"

JoolsToo · 15/04/2006 20:55

No I wouldn't - they're playing you.

Even if they weren't to get up to no good I still wouldn't let them share the same room.

morningpaper · 15/04/2006 20:56

Gosh yes they are having sex already

I would bet good money on it

I agree with Dominic however that I'd rather they did it under my roof than at a bus shelter

winnie · 15/04/2006 21:03

Mears, the fact that the girl is 15 is a very good reason to say no. You are the adult in the house and you are responsible and yes, they could be having sex in a bus shelter but you are not encouraging it. It's your house and you set the rules.

expatinscotland · 15/04/2006 21:04

You crack that whip, JT! :o

You sound like my dad. 'My house, my rules. Don't like it? You know where the door is. Don't let it hit you on the way out.'

Kaz33 · 15/04/2006 21:30

Your son is 16, she is 15 - yes it is a criminal offence for your son to have sex with her but with all due respect sometimes the law is an ass and nobody would ever bring that one to court. Consensual sex.

Personally I would let them as I would prefer that they are doing it in my house than somewhere else. What you want is an open and frank relationship with your son where he could communicate with you about this very difficult area. By the looks of it, you are doing well so far.

What I would be concerned about is the precedent it sets, because once you have let them stay once then there is no turning back.

How long has this girl been his girlfriend? Is this a longish thing or the latest in a procession?

ShaysMummy · 15/04/2006 21:34

was 15 7yrs ago. dont trust them! sorry!

cataloguequeen · 15/04/2006 21:35

Dom, so your kids don't lie to you?

tomasinatank · 15/04/2006 21:43

If they have no intention of havng sex - or even 'heavy petting' or whatever they call it these days - then you have to ask why are they so upset at being asked to sleep in seperate rooms?

If they REALLY had no intention of gettngup to anything then they would have shrugged the 'no you have to have seperate rooms' off - surely?

Wallace · 15/04/2006 21:49

I don't know the answer (but my feeling is no).

I would like to point out that I know someone who ended up on the sex offenders' register for having sex with an underage girl - he was 16. Her parents read her diary and got angry. So it may be unlikely that it would go to court, but it does happen.

spacedonkey · 15/04/2006 21:52

My answer to this "not trusting" issue (with my dd, just coming up to 15) is to say that I'm not implying they are untrustworthy, simply that they are human! I've said she can have her boyfriend to sleep over on condition that I (or her gran) sleep between them

Rhubarb · 15/04/2006 21:55

When I read this, I thought you meant, let them stay in the same room as other people! I was going to put "No!!! They should be housed separately for everyone's sanity!"

But seriously this would be a very big NO NO in my book. Teenagers can be very devious and sound very innocent and plausible when they want to, but there is nothing innocent about them, level headed or not! Sex is a powerful emotion that teenagers are particularly vulnerable to, I wouldn't trust the most level-headed teenagers in the same room, esp if they fancy each other! No way! They have to respect your rules!

Cheeky sods!

winnie · 15/04/2006 22:00

The idea that there is safety in numbers doesn't necessarily help either as dd had five friends to stay over night watching movies all camped out on the sitting floor and I got up, went down stairs and found two of them at it on my kitchen floor

Caligula · 15/04/2006 22:02

Thinking more about the trust thing, I would take the stance of trusting them and believing that they don't intend to do anything, but knowing how powerful sex is, it could happen without them really wanting it or being ready for it... so I'm protecting them from themselves.

They'll hate that one.

spacedonkey · 15/04/2006 22:02

exactly caligula

(it's true too)

Rhubarb · 15/04/2006 22:03

Or fix the vid cam on the room just in case and tell the boy that you have the plyers on standby!

Caligula · 15/04/2006 22:03

Actually winnie you've just sparked a memory in me - I got off with a boyf once with 2 other people in the room. We didn't actually get down to the nitty gritty, but eventually the other 2 fell asleep and we groped all night waiting for them to begone....

Caligula · 15/04/2006 22:04

Brilliant idea Rhubarb!

CarmenH · 15/04/2006 22:30

I can't imagine that they would watch movies all night/sleep in the same room and NO sexual activity would take place?? In similar circumstances as a teenager I would definitely have got up to something though I may not have had actual penetrative sex if I knew my parents were asleep in the same house. It's a tricky dilemma for you mears.

Waswondering · 15/04/2006 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

mears · 15/04/2006 22:36

My goodness this thread has been active while I have been away....BTW I am 100% positive DS has not been in the sex department

As most of you know I am a midwife and my children have been told of my experiences of seeing young girls pregnant from the age of 12 upwards. DS makes out it is ridiculous that I have even mentioned sex because that is not what they want to do. I have also made it very clear that sex with a girl under 16 is illegal.

They want to sit up all night together in his room watching films - just like he does with his best male friend on occasion. He demanded to know why that was OK but it is not OK for his girlfriend to the same. He says if they cannot do that there is no point in her staying.

He has now ended up staying at hers for tea and is not home yet. I am waiting on a phone call from him asking if he can stay overnight there. My answer is going to be no, and I will be the most hated mother in Scotland

I think DH and I will need to sit down with her parents and talk this through. As it has been said already - they think they can trust themselves. DH told him that men can get overtaken by urges - DS doesn't believe him

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