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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Would you let them stay in the same room?

182 replies

mears · 15/04/2006 18:08

My DS who is 16 yrs wants to have a moviethon (watch films all night) with his girlfriend who is 15. He asked if she could have a sleepover and I said yes as long as they slept in separate rooms. He said that spoiled the moviethon aspect and frankly he is really hurt because he thinks I don't trust him.

I said he needed to find out what her parents thought. They are OK with them being in the same room with different beds.

I have taled to his girlfriend and they really are so hurt that we even suggested that they should not be 'allowed' to stay in separate beds in the same room. 'Don't you trust us?' is their response.

I don't trust nature wanting to take over but they really are level headed. It is so sad that they think DH and I think so little of them, which rteally is not the case.

What do you lot think?

OP posts:
DominiConnor · 17/04/2006 09:08

So you're not denying the role of the Catholic church in raping children, but instead resort to abusing anyone who mentions it ?
Perhaps you don't give them money, but you give them support which is much the same thing, isn't it ?

Is it your intention to follow me from thread to thread, trying to claim that anyone who doesn't choose to ignore the organised rape of children is mad ?

MrsStrutsHerStuff · 17/04/2006 09:38

Mears haven't read all the thread, but would just like to say that dp partner and i met when we were 14, i used to stay over at his house in seperate rooms, we were allowed to watch films till early hours in his room then went to seperate rooms after we had watched a film, we got itimate at times but his parents trusted us not to have sex, we never even contemplated it at this age anyway, its just to reasure you not all teenagers are up to no good, dp and i have now been together 10yrs!

marthamoo · 17/04/2006 09:41

Is it your intention to go from thread to thread turning it into your own personal tirade against the Catholic Church? I don't have a faith, Catholic or otherwise, but I find your constant harping on about Catholic priests raping children offensive.

Rhubarb · 17/04/2006 09:56

DC, if you have a problem with the catholic church then I suggest you speak to someone about those problems. You will find rapists and evil people in all walks of life I'm afraid, it's like saying all male teachers are rapists because there have been a few teachers accused of this crime.

Please CAT me if you want to get things off your chest about the Church and I'll put you straight on some things. But this is a parenting site and this thread has NOTHING to do with the catholic church.

If you persist on making these accusations I shall contact MN HQ and ask that your offensive posts be deleted as they serve no other purpose than hate spreading.

LadySherlockofLGJ · 17/04/2006 10:29

Well said Rhubarb.

GDG · 17/04/2006 10:31

What on earth has catholicism got to do with this thread? Very confused!

lockets · 17/04/2006 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rhubarb · 17/04/2006 10:36

DC just has a chip on his shoulder and is behaving like a troll, going on threads and spouting off crap about priests. He'll get over it I'm sure.

lockets · 17/04/2006 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DominiConnor · 17/04/2006 11:25

I was not using this thread as a soapbox.
Janh brought the Catholic church into this thread, not I. In a thread about children in a church, I brought up the rather unsavoury record of the Catholic church in this area.
As for hate spreading Rhubard, your attacks on me have been quite personal.
I have said nothing that the Catholic Church itself does not admit to be true.

Rhubarb · 17/04/2006 11:33

Dear DC. Your accusations have been unsavoury and seem to imply that all Catholic priests molest children and rape them. This is a serious accusation, far more serious than calling you an arsehole for example (you'd have to prove otherwise if you were to sue me!).

As I have said, rapists and evil people exist in all walks of life, from teachers, to Brownie Club Leaders to Politicians. The Church have admitted there have been problems with their priests and they have publicly apologised for the way they, as an organisation, handled these rogue priests.

If this is not good enough for you, then may I suggest you write with your concerns to the Vatican Council. But as it is, your posts don't really belong onto the threads where you put them. Janh mentioned the other thread where you posted, she did not ask your opinion on the state of the catholic church. And again, on that other thread some MNer was simply recounting what happened to her and her children in Church on Maundy Thursday, your posts about rapist and paedophile priests certainly had no place there.

I suggest you go for counselling mate.

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 17/04/2006 11:44

Ooo this thread has taken a strange turn.

Original poster
mears · 17/04/2006 13:50

Going back to original point of thread - have you noticed that there is a different response from parents who have teenagers and those who still have little ones? 10 years ago I would have told you that I would never even have considered letting them have a sleepover in the same room.

Now that I am faced with the question, it makes me question what my reasoning is.

By the way, if I had my time over again, I would never allow sleepovers full stop! They are the root of all evil.

OP posts:
Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 17/04/2006 14:06

I so agree mears - I've got 4 11 & 12 year olds staying tonight and dd has already told me that two of the girls aren't speaking.

My ds and his girlfriend stay in the same room now - she's 18 he's 17. I can't actually believe I've got myself to this point - I definitely wish I'd been firmer in the past as this is the natural progression of things if you're a bit lax early on. I should have been tougher and now I worry I've set the standard for the younger ones. Ds is however under no illusion that it's tolerated and not condoned.

DominiConnor · 17/04/2006 14:43

I was actually saying that the Catholic Church as an organisation has organised the rpae of children. This has been admitted, though only after they realised it would save them money in the courts.

Also your understanding of the law is naive and inaccurate.
You may call be an arsehole for as long your need to defend the sexual malpractice of the Catholic Church dicates. You may do so in any medium. Fact is that it's vituperation, not libel and as such not actionable.
But it is boring, and tells us more about your views on these people than mine.

LadyPenelope · 17/04/2006 15:38

On the original question ... no don't think I would allow them to share a room overnight ... and would not allow them that much privacy at any point of the day. (eg, would not expect that I would need to knock on door to speak to them if they were in a room on their own.) I agree there is a variance on this thread between those with teenagers and those with younger children. For the record my dd is 5, so I may change my view in less than 10 years...:o
I never shared a room with any bf at parents... even once engaged dh and I had separate bedrooms and seemed totally natuaral to me.

But I got up to all sorts of stuff at other opportunities ...
I'm not sure what the moral of the story is ... guess I knew exactly where my parents stood and what was expected of me ... but still experimented ... if they want to have sex they will find a way, but there is no reason for you to feel the need to help them. And for both your ds and/or his gf, they may even be secretly relieved...

Rhubarb · 17/04/2006 15:57

I have a law degree DC so please do not tell me about the law.

If you have any more rants to make about the catholic church, please start another thread so that this one does not have to bear the brunt of them.

I think you have a serious chip on your shoulder and you are grossly misinformed. Arguing with you would serve no purpose that I can see.

DominiConnor · 17/04/2006 17:04

Well Rhubarb if you have this "degree in law" why did you make such a silly statement about it ?
I not you say "degree in law", not "I am a solicitor ?" I take it you were off sick the day they did libel ?

GDG · 17/04/2006 17:07

Mears Jan and Jools (both with teens or older) both say 'no'!

Dh and I had a fleeting convo about this last night and it looks like I'm going to be the one 'cracking the whip' in this house - his mother was of the 'you are going to do it anyway so may as well do it in the comfort and safety of your bedroom' and therefore I think that's the approach he'll want to take. I wasn't allowed and so I guess we are coming from different backgrounds in that respect - eeek! Best get sorting out our standpoint on this (although mine are all 5 and under atm!).

Tortington · 17/04/2006 17:13

i have a 16 yo who is having sex with a 15 yo.

i'm not right bothered about the age thing - it being legal or not. what does bother me is them having a child. this terrifies me so much i can hardly express it. i buy my son condoms and try to remain as open as possible so that we can talk - and therefore i have access to information.

he went on holiday with girl and girls family. and asked me whilst he was at the airport on the way home if xxxx could stay at our house - sure says i in dd's room - dd can sleep with me. now he has told me that they are having sex and becuase i didn't go off on a big shitfit howling and wailing ( instead chosing to remain calm and talk stuff through thereby not blowing my communication chances with him) he then assumed my non manicness to mean that i condoned what they were doing.

so, he said "why can't we stay in the same room.

i said " if you get the express wishes of her parents - thereby telling her dad your having sex with his daugher - then if they are fine with it - tell them to give me a ring and then sure - you can sleep in the same bed."

he replied " oh.... like i'm gonna do that"

and hung up.

she did stay, in my daughters room.

i am going to talk to them both becuase they have obviously mistaken my understanding nature and listening and open communication techniques as a " yes - please do fuck in my house - i'm not bothered cos i am really that kind of person - sure fuck away , fuck your 15 yo girlfriend in my house.....yeah sure go on. fuck fuck fuck away"

err no.

i feel a big talk coming on tomorrow. becusae i am not happy.

so i have hijacked this thread with no advice except to say - maybe they arn't fucking but maybe they want somewhere to do serious prefucking activity.

i have a collegue who told me of his 16 yo son - good lad, played in a brass band, good at school, so good he was a saint. he was telling me that his son and girlfriend were sharing a hotel rom ( something to do with a band thing in london) but had seperate beds in room - vos it was cheaper.

cue my knowing smile

to which he was most offended - until i said " do you really really think your 16 yo son isn't having sex?"

"they are good kids " he retorted not convinced of his own reply.

"mmmm" says i.

the moral of my rant is that i think its folly to think that a lad at 16 isn't going to want to have sex with is girlfirend.

i also think that to do it in my house - where me and my other children are sleeping - or watching tv etc is disrespectful.

and i have come to very much dislike the argument " well at least i know where they are" or " oh well at least they are safe"

if they are going to do it - they will find a way - so let them fuck in bushes in a park if they are really that desperate. they are not using my house.

and i will tell them so tomorrow - i am livid

Tortington · 17/04/2006 17:14

DC she isn't a solicitor but she has a law degree. which means she prolly knows more than the average bloggs,

but your by no means average.

ggglimpopo · 17/04/2006 17:21

Mears, I don't know if you have read any posts about my now 16 year old daughter, but butter wouldn't melt in her pretty lipglossed mouth - till I found out what the young lady had been up toShockAnd she promised me faithfully that she had been an angel, as had her beaux.

Teenagers have sex - even great, responsible teenagers have rampant hormones and emotions - and I think the temptation and the setting and the birthday element will make it difficult for them to be as well behaved as they think they will be...

She is 15. It is against the law. She is not your daughter and you are responsible for her, in your house with your son; I think that her parents are being a little blasé here and wonder if they would be as babacool if she skipped a period or three.

Nope. They are probably going to have sex at sometime in the near future, if they are not already doing so. Think the sleepover is the perfect opportunity.

GDG · 17/04/2006 17:32

agree custy.

lockets · 17/04/2006 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KristinaM · 17/04/2006 17:44

Mears - I dont know what I will do when (not if) I am in your situation. But to be logical - if you say no because she is only 15 ( which I agree is a good reason) , what will you say when they ask again when she is 16?

Is your problem that you dont want your son having sex with a 15 yo in your house or that you dont want him and his GF having sex in your house full stop? If so, you might as well tell him that now. Yes of course he will hate you and call you a hypocrite.

I know he is pulling the old " how can you think that of us?" line but you are wise to that I think...look at all those accidental babies you have caught Grin

i understand the line about "well at least they are having sex in a nice warm dry bed somewhere safe". But I havent read on this thread about all the harm that came to Mners as teenagers who werent allowed to have their BF to sleep over and had to go somewhere "dangerous" Grin

It may be illogical to mind about then having sex in your house but it seems that you are not the only mum here to feel like this

sorry, no solutions or even advice from me...just rambling thoughts and sympathy......