Partner says I’m favouring my own children over his because I’ve spent more on their Christmas presents

[LadyShade]

Been with DP just over 3 years and living together about 14 months. Between us we have 4 DC, mine are 13 and 8 and his are 15 and 10. His girls are with us alternate weekends and some of the holidays.

Weve always mainly sorted presents for our own children ourselves. I usually spend around £250 each on mine for Christmas, thats including their stockings and bits, and DP spends about £100-125 on each of his. I earn a bit less than him on paper some months but I do more hours than I used to and have been putting money away since the summer. Im not saying everyone should spend that much btw, its just what I budget for and I dont go into debt over it.

This is the first year all 4 will be here Christmas morning and his girls are staying Christmas Eve too. Ive bought them both a little Christmas eve box because I do them for my two and didnt want them to be the only ones without one. I havent bought their main presents because DP usually does that and we hadnt discussed doing it differently this year.

He saw some of the stuff Ive bought for mine at the weekend and asked what I was getting the girls. I said I wasnt, not their main presents anyway, and he got a bit funny about it. He says its going to look awful if mine have loads to open and his have hardly anything and that I should spend less on mine so we can make it fair between all 4. I said he can spend what he can afford on his girls but I dont see why mine should get less when Ive saved for it all year.

I do get that it could look a bit rubbish on Christmas morning if theres a massive difference, and I dont want them to feel like theyre less important. But they also get presents at their mums and from her family, same as mine get things from their dad. DP says thats not the point and that we are meant to be one family now. I said we are one family but that doesnt mean I suddenly have to pay for all their presents as well.

I did say maybe if he started putting money aside earlier he wouldnt be in this position, which I admit was a bit harsh as I know money is tighter for him with maintenance and his car. He said Ive made him feel like a crap dad and that I clearly dont see his girls as my family.

I dont know if Im being unreasonable here. I dont want the girls to feel left out but I also dont think its fair to cut back on my own kids presents to make up the difference. What would you do?

I would spend Christmas separately, he can go to his parents and you stay home or whatever.

It doesn't sound like Christmas all together will work at all.

You are definately nbu

What's he bought for your children?

He earns more but spends less on his children and thinks you should make up the difference?

How much is he spending on your children?

Can you give them the same for Christmas morning and give your girls the extra gifts in the afternoon when your DH’s girls have gone to their mum’s? They are old enough to wait and it makes the magic of the day last longer.

Tell him that’s great and you’ll look forward to hearing what he’s getting yours as you’re all one family now.

He is more than welcome to spend the same amount on his children as you do on yours, he chooses not too.
He is only moaning because he feels he will look bad.

how much does he spend on your children’s Christmas gifts?

You hold something back from your DC until his aren't around.

They wont be going back to their mums until boxing day, my two will be going to their dads then as well and spending some of it with his family. So its not really an option

Tell him he can up his budget to match yours for his but you aren't downgrading your girls Christmas from what they are used to. If he can't afford it then so be it.

Now you live together as a family wouldn’t it be easier to give gifts as a couple to all of the children?

I’m sure I read this thread before.

Greedy Pig! Tell him to do one. If he wants his kids to have more he can bloody well fork out more for them.

Does he do extra work or give extra money over christmas?

It's a common occurance on mumsnet.

Women moving men in with them and then said men wanting them to pay for and do more and more. It's like their never happy no matter how much you do for them.

You aren’t being unreasonable at all….do not let him make you feel like that either. You but for your kids, he buys for his. He’s the dad. Off he pops and got their presents, you’re already going out of your way to do Xmas Eve boxes. He should be happy. He’s got a few weeks yet

Just tell him that what’s done is done for this year and next year you can have a discussion about setting the same budget.

Absolutely not! Why should she??

Well she has said now that it isn't possible due to timings.

However I don't think it is at all an unreasonable thing to do to keep the peace and harmony between the two sets of children. It's called not rubbing their faces in it.

“He says its going to look awful if mine have loads to open and his have hardly anything”

Best get his arse down to the shops then.

I think part of what he has said is true - that you don’t see his girls as your family.

When you first decided to live together didn’t you discuss how things like this would work?

If you’re going to live together and live as a family then you need to take a shared approach towards some things. One of those things would be gifts! As a family, all four children should be treated equally.
After 14 months of living together all four children will have had a birthday. How did you manage gifts for that? How have you managed holidays?

Wouldn't it have worked well to agree together a budget per child and then he funds his two and you fund your two? Taking a “I’ve saved more for mine regardless of what he’s done” isn’t exactly healthy in a blended family relationship.

What does he buy your daughters? How come this has become your job?

Well that’s his bad not hers! If he hasn’t pulled his finger out that’s his problem to explain to his kids. I highly doubt he’s even thought of buying her kids presents but god forbid if she doesn’t do it for his! Ridiculous man child!

I think he has a point to be honest BUT it does depend on how you share all the other costs of living together etc. If you both have roughly the same amount of money left after household expenses then it’s his problem, as that’s about how he chooses to spend his money. But if you have more disposable income after bills because he shoulders more of those, then it’s a bit mean to favour your girls.

I would be trying to work as a partnership here.

Spot on!
Don’t change what you do for his benefit, you saved up.
He has time to get himself sorted…cheeky!

No, no no. He doesn't get to pretend to be a nice daddy and outsourcing the work of it to a new partner.
You are absolutely not unreasonable.
As you said they have their own mother.
15 and 10 years old unlikely want what old people (anyone who is of bill paying age) gets them. Money + token gift. Unless they asked for something specific. But from him.