Partner says I’m favouring my own children over his because I’ve spent more on their Christmas presents

[LadyShade]

Been with DP just over 3 years and living together about 14 months. Between us we have 4 DC, mine are 13 and 8 and his are 15 and 10. His girls are with us alternate weekends and some of the holidays.

Weve always mainly sorted presents for our own children ourselves. I usually spend around £250 each on mine for Christmas, thats including their stockings and bits, and DP spends about £100-125 on each of his. I earn a bit less than him on paper some months but I do more hours than I used to and have been putting money away since the summer. Im not saying everyone should spend that much btw, its just what I budget for and I dont go into debt over it.

This is the first year all 4 will be here Christmas morning and his girls are staying Christmas Eve too. Ive bought them both a little Christmas eve box because I do them for my two and didnt want them to be the only ones without one. I havent bought their main presents because DP usually does that and we hadnt discussed doing it differently this year.

He saw some of the stuff Ive bought for mine at the weekend and asked what I was getting the girls. I said I wasnt, not their main presents anyway, and he got a bit funny about it. He says its going to look awful if mine have loads to open and his have hardly anything and that I should spend less on mine so we can make it fair between all 4. I said he can spend what he can afford on his girls but I dont see why mine should get less when Ive saved for it all year.

I do get that it could look a bit rubbish on Christmas morning if theres a massive difference, and I dont want them to feel like theyre less important. But they also get presents at their mums and from her family, same as mine get things from their dad. DP says thats not the point and that we are meant to be one family now. I said we are one family but that doesnt mean I suddenly have to pay for all their presents as well.

I did say maybe if he started putting money aside earlier he wouldnt be in this position, which I admit was a bit harsh as I know money is tighter for him with maintenance and his car. He said Ive made him feel like a crap dad and that I clearly dont see his girls as my family.

I dont know if Im being unreasonable here. I dont want the girls to feel left out but I also dont think its fair to cut back on my own kids presents to make up the difference. What would you do?

This all bonkers. I don't know if I've missed a bit, but if he's spending £150 on his, and you are £250 on yours, is he also spending £150 on each of yours?

Sorry, I might be confused here.

Suffice to say, if he's not buying seperately for yours, there is absolutely no reason whatsoever whey you should be doing any more that you are already.

What a nightmare!

Exactly that.

People have talked about OP adapting to keep peace and harmony.

She has worked over time and saved up to buy her DD's Xmas presents.
Why can't he do the same?

And his main argument is her efforts are making him look bad because he hasn't done much,, so its up to her to cut back on her efforts to make him look better..

I note there is no room in his "logic" to even contemplate him actually getting his act together and getting something decent for his poor girls. He's a scrub.
@2chocolateoranges you don't want no scrub.

That’s loads!! Why not have an agreed spending cap so they all get the same amount. Who needs more ‘stuff’ anyway and what message are you sending them?

I’m sorry but I feel like he is gaslighting you. You should each buy your own children presents and if he wants his kids to have more than he needs to save throughout the year, doesn’t he? It’s not your job to sacrifice the presents for your children because he’s incapable of saving. Is he a man or a child?

Cant you filter off a few of your girls presents to open with others at another time? I do think if youre a family spending first xmas together you should really pool your finances and get girls equal presents

Didn't we have this same post a week or two ago?

Jeez, what is it with MN at the moment? Thread after thread of shit men foisting their parenting responsibilities onto a new partner and turning her into the wicked step mother.

Of course you 'favour' them - they're your children. But you're bringing both lots of children together for Christmas - not situation of the children's choosing - and it will cause resentment if your DP's children have significantly less, they wouldn't be human if it didn't.

Can't you give them similar amounts on Christmas morning and then give the additional gifts to your DC at a later day when your DP's children aren't around?

I'm unsure if I've got this right or not but.....
(I'm making up figures obviously)
Your children live with you most of the time and you put in £1000 into the account
His children live a lot less but he pays £1500 into the joint account
You are paying less than him but managed to save money which you are then planning to spend on your girls Christmas gifts. He doesn't have the same amount saved as - he is paying an extra £500 a month than you so has nothing to save.
How can you think this is a fair set up? You should pay equally into the account and then anything over that you have saved, should be yours to choose how to spend.
Not allow him to subside your children's living costs and his children be disadvantaged at Christmas time when it comes to gifts.
Bonkers!!!

Sorry OP I think this is not nicel. You knew you would be spending more on your girls. But did not talk to him about it.
No wonder he feels upset.
I feel for the girls if they are with you and opening the presents. Get them some extra. And talk such things through.
Horrible.

They will notice. Secret present giving will be worse in some ways.
The presents need to be equal. If you live together, if you have family staying, and the children come with the dad as a package, then equal gift giving for children. Nothing secret, nothing unequal.

Exactly 👍 so he is happy for you to spend on all his children but he doesn’t buy anything for yours?!!! His kids will get loads of pressies from the other side of the family. I’m pretty sure he won’t be saying, no thanks as it’s not fair on my girlfriend’s kids!!!

You mention he can't afford it due to the maintenance he pays, plus his car. Does he really need the level of car he has or does he have a more expensive car than he can actually afford?

I do believe a lot of women prioritise their children, as opposed to a lot of men who basically prioritise themselves!

Ive been married 20 years, husband still sorts his daughter's gifts and I sort my sons.
He buys all his family gifts, I do mine. We split our shared son's present though i do the shopping. But the one thing we do do is set a budget that they all get the same. However, before we married that wasn't the case he sorted his Christmas I sorted mine.

THIS

for the first few years I got my daughter and he got his son. He spent about half as obviously dss mum got him presents. However in the last couple of years it’s been a bit more equal - I’m better at presents 😂 and I can’t resist when I see things DSS would love! We’ve done presents from both of us for the last couple of years.
but - the kids have always understood, it’s never been a thing. My Dads dad is not around and she doesn’t get any from that side.

Yes I also like how she kindly did not offer up this info in the opening post knowing the man haters would blow smoke up her 🙄

This

why should you buy for his kids if he isn’t buying for yours ?

Because he pays for most of thier housing seemingly!!

I couldn't do this. Its not who is right, who is wrong. Its common decency to the children. And as adults those conversations should happen. Its being responsible not shaming each other.

I would hate to be those children involved. My heart goes out to them - its not a blended family at all is it?

I usually think it’s not very nice when someone mentions treating step kids different from their own kids but in this instance I actually don’t think you ABU. He needs to save up for his own kids I’m afraid. They’ll get more presents off their own mum I expect. Usually mums buy more presents than dads. I know I buy way more for the kids than my ex does. You’ve been kind enough to do them a Christmas Eve box so they’re not left out.

I suppose if you were really desperate to keep the peace (even though I don’t think you should have to) you could pool your money with your partner and split it 4 ways.

From what I’m reading, your finances aren’t fairly split. He’s paying ongoing costs for your & his children (unless you’re using maintenance & child benefit separately for your children) you can each buy your children whatever you like but any noticeable differences in presents on Christmas morning might upset your dear step children & this is unfair on them. If this is all your partner is mentioning then I’d be offering or loaning him money to buy his children more presents. If you were paying more than your share I’d tell him to bog off but it sounds like things are favourable in your direction.

They should buy things as a couple. If the children are opening presents together. Anything else is just odd.
You may as well not live together. If you cannot communicate about presents for the children.

Soooo, why haventmyou bought all the kids the same in their xmas eve boxes?pyjamas, sweetsm a book? You,ve bought yours but not his???? Selfish,selfish,selfish,shame on you

It’s not your responsibility to get his children presents. Unfortunately there is an expectation that step mums will automatically take on the extra workload of Christmas, birthdays etc.
You’ve already got them Christmas Eve boxes and it’s his responsibility to get their presents.
Blended families are hard work and you need to firmly set your boundaries and expectations or you’ll end up a work horse, it’s a thankless task that breeds resentment.