Partner says I’m favouring my own children over his because I’ve spent more on their Christmas presents

[LadyShade]

Been with DP just over 3 years and living together about 14 months. Between us we have 4 DC, mine are 13 and 8 and his are 15 and 10. His girls are with us alternate weekends and some of the holidays.

Weve always mainly sorted presents for our own children ourselves. I usually spend around £250 each on mine for Christmas, thats including their stockings and bits, and DP spends about £100-125 on each of his. I earn a bit less than him on paper some months but I do more hours than I used to and have been putting money away since the summer. Im not saying everyone should spend that much btw, its just what I budget for and I dont go into debt over it.

This is the first year all 4 will be here Christmas morning and his girls are staying Christmas Eve too. Ive bought them both a little Christmas eve box because I do them for my two and didnt want them to be the only ones without one. I havent bought their main presents because DP usually does that and we hadnt discussed doing it differently this year.

He saw some of the stuff Ive bought for mine at the weekend and asked what I was getting the girls. I said I wasnt, not their main presents anyway, and he got a bit funny about it. He says its going to look awful if mine have loads to open and his have hardly anything and that I should spend less on mine so we can make it fair between all 4. I said he can spend what he can afford on his girls but I dont see why mine should get less when Ive saved for it all year.

I do get that it could look a bit rubbish on Christmas morning if theres a massive difference, and I dont want them to feel like theyre less important. But they also get presents at their mums and from her family, same as mine get things from their dad. DP says thats not the point and that we are meant to be one family now. I said we are one family but that doesnt mean I suddenly have to pay for all their presents as well.

I did say maybe if he started putting money aside earlier he wouldnt be in this position, which I admit was a bit harsh as I know money is tighter for him with maintenance and his car. He said Ive made him feel like a crap dad and that I clearly dont see his girls as my family.

I dont know if Im being unreasonable here. I dont want the girls to feel left out but I also dont think its fair to cut back on my own kids presents to make up the difference. What would you do?

Yeah me too. I was the only child who got less than all my cousins. And the feeling still sits with me.

Kids are really present based at this age. Some still believe. Some don't but still feel the magic and happiness.

No kid should be made to feel less than.

Why is it about the value of the gift rather than the thought behind it and the gift itself?

What does he give your children? How much does he spend on them?

Yours will have gifts from their dad, DHs children will gifts from their mums side. Gifts don't have to have equal monetary value. If he wants them to have more he needs start putting money away earlier for it.

You aren’t even close to being a family, just people in the same house. If you were a family, you’d have sat down together and talked about it.

the 4 children spending Christmas Day together should be treated the same, anything else is just going to make someone feel crappy.

If you wanted to get your dc something more then you could have done that when it was just the three of you.

please don’t pretend this nonsense set up is a family, because poor planning and pettiness like this is just awful for all the children involved.

You are not being unreasonable, and he needs to start saving and buy more for his own children.

Unless he is in extreme financial hardship, then you don't need to do anything at all OP

Sod it- give your girls what you want to!!!!!

Don’t Be a mum who puts her new blokes desires before her own kids (especially when it negatively impacts them!)

Youve worked hard to give them what YOU choose.

Could you help him out a little this time and then start a joint savings account for next year, both out in the same amount each month, then the kids will be the same?

I can see his point, but equally, if you have always bought your own then why would you change that without plenty of advance warning that things were going to be different…if he had given that warning you could have told him what to save.

What has he bought for your children?

YANBU, and your comment to him about saving was completely appropriate. If he wants his children to have presents, he needs to set his own money aside. Your children shouldn't have to go without because he can't anticipate expenses. You shouldn't have to pick up his slack.

I think going your separate ways for Christmas would be wise. I think going your separate ways afterwards would be wise too. He's fundamentally unable to understand the word "responsibility".

Perhaps this incident shows a little of the reason this man ended up divorced?

How is their father's inability to save money a problem the OP needs to solve?

This.

Your comment was not out of line at all.

He has moved the goalposts wrt. Christmas presents without consulting you.

What I see behind all of this is a subtle attempt to get you to declare loyalty to him and his children, by guilting.you into spending less on yours. He's trying to place a wedge between you and your children. It's a power play.

He pays more household costs which include 2 children which aren’t his and who are around more than his. Not sure he is on the make

I think the amount of presents should look about equal as his girls are at yours on the day. However he approached it in a wrong way - he is responsible for this, not you. There are always little things he can buy and wrap up like their favorite sweets or gift card for coffee shop or cinema.
I wonder if the problem is that he doesn’t enjoy buying gifts particularly and not only for financial reasons but because he is not into it. That’s why instead of thinking what extra he could do he started thinking about what cuts you could make. So maybe you could help him with a bit of advice (not with money though).
I also wonder if you could give some of presents to your girls on the 1st of December. I did this before a few times with DD when it’s obvious that she might enjoy using present early e.g new clothes.
However only if you think that it will be appropriate.

I think you're being mean here. Three years in and you do a " you do yours and I will do mine" ?

It isn't but l would feel awful having such inequality on Xmas day - and OP's kids might feel really awkward too - l would having a much bigger pile than someone else who was sitting there.

Horrible for OP's kids too - my sister always felt uncomfortable with the dynamic too. I am going back 35 years but still remember.

Well, he's still got two months to save up, hasn't he? Another thread where the woman is expected to pick up the slack.

But can he save more, when he pays out more day to day?

Picking simple maths, If "bills" for me, my partner, her resident children and my kids that are there only every other weekend are £1500 a month, and I I earn £50k, and my partner earns ,£25k.

We say because I earn more, I pay the proportionate bills. I earn double what my partner does, so I cover double the bill amount than they do. I pay £1000, they pay £500 every month. However, this doesn't take into account that the bills cover me and partner, but their kids for virtually the whole month, with my own DC there just a few days. I'm subsidising the bills of their DC. On top of this I pay my own child maintenance.

Partner, because of the lower bill amount, has £50 a month left over for savings and uses this solely for their kids only.

That's a bit rich!

You've got two choices here, OP. Acknowledge that it's your partner's "overpayment" that you've been able to buy your kids presents out of, so it needs to absolutely include the same for his kids (in fact by your logic, your money is yours, his is his, your kids should be getting zero presents out of his overpayment)

Or, pay the correct proportionate amount for you and your children's bills throughout the year. Because you wouldn't have any of his money for their presents that way. Your partner will be able to afford more for his kids though.

You come across as grabby. I'd be seriously fucked off if I subsidised two kids that weren't mine all year, to be told that the resulting money their parent saved was "hers" and in her mind to be spent on just her kids Christmas presents.

I mean I think all 4 kids should have roughly the same amount of presents however that’s on him to sort out not you. I don’t understand why he thinks it’s you that should pay to bridge the gap and not him.

I think that you had assumed on thing and he had assumed another but I don’t think either it wrong, as such.

I think you should ensure that this communication cock-up is not felt by any of the children and that you should come to a compromise with your partner. If your children are used to expensive gifts you could always let them know in advance that the budget it a bit smaller this year but you are so looking forward to a magical day all together.

if you normally spend £300 on each of yours but your partner has only £150 for each of his, then i would change the budget to say c.£200 each, and then with the left over money, spend an extra £50 on each of your children’s birthdays next year, at a time when it is a bit lesss obvious to the step siblings.

If you want a blended family then you should start acting like a family.

I agree on this. The bio parent will obviously favour their own child. This is not possible if u r all going to be together on the day. It's not fair for any of the children to feel like they are being treated differently. A dialogue should have happened simply because u r going to be together

Have your household contributions increased with your earnings?

Could you afford to maybe spend £50-75 extra on each of his daughters to make up for the disparity?

If not, are any of the gifts for your daughters physically small? If so you could do a homemade advent calendar so they get some of the things you have bought earlier on in December (stuff any remaining pockets with sweets or chocolates) so they all have a similar amount to open on Christmas day

I would be angry with him because he’s decided that being a family now means that you have to spend more on his children and that it’s outrageous of you to accidentally imply he’s a crap dad but it’s perfectly fine of him to accuse you of playing favourites and being selfish and unfair.

However presumably you want to stay together so you need to come up with a plan. You should both save together and up his children’s amount to make it more equal if possible. Then say that next year you’ll be setting a budget but he is in charge with buying his own children their gifts and you won’t be taken advantage of again.

And I’m saying this as a step daughter. I wanted my DAD to pick my presents. I didn’t want a load of gifts clearly picked by SM every year (as nice and they/she was) and seeing my dads look of surprise whenever I opened them. He should be choosing their gifts.

OP do you want all the kids to enjoy Xmas day together or do you want to be right?

And I’m not saying subsidise your partner or not giving your kids all the gifts - just don’t give it to them all at once if there’s going to be such a disparity.

At first I was with you but now you have explained this I think you are maybe being unreasonable. He is paying more towards the home even though your kids are living with you and his aren't. He is also paying CMS. Do you receive CMS from your child's father? I think you need to come up with a plan to even it out for this year and im future maybe have a joint savings pot or budget agreement on the Christmas presents so it's something you can both afford.