Partner says I’m favouring my own children over his because I’ve spent more on their Christmas presents

[LadyShade]

Been with DP just over 3 years and living together about 14 months. Between us we have 4 DC, mine are 13 and 8 and his are 15 and 10. His girls are with us alternate weekends and some of the holidays.

Weve always mainly sorted presents for our own children ourselves. I usually spend around £250 each on mine for Christmas, thats including their stockings and bits, and DP spends about £100-125 on each of his. I earn a bit less than him on paper some months but I do more hours than I used to and have been putting money away since the summer. Im not saying everyone should spend that much btw, its just what I budget for and I dont go into debt over it.

This is the first year all 4 will be here Christmas morning and his girls are staying Christmas Eve too. Ive bought them both a little Christmas eve box because I do them for my two and didnt want them to be the only ones without one. I havent bought their main presents because DP usually does that and we hadnt discussed doing it differently this year.

He saw some of the stuff Ive bought for mine at the weekend and asked what I was getting the girls. I said I wasnt, not their main presents anyway, and he got a bit funny about it. He says its going to look awful if mine have loads to open and his have hardly anything and that I should spend less on mine so we can make it fair between all 4. I said he can spend what he can afford on his girls but I dont see why mine should get less when Ive saved for it all year.

I do get that it could look a bit rubbish on Christmas morning if theres a massive difference, and I dont want them to feel like theyre less important. But they also get presents at their mums and from her family, same as mine get things from their dad. DP says thats not the point and that we are meant to be one family now. I said we are one family but that doesnt mean I suddenly have to pay for all their presents as well.

I did say maybe if he started putting money aside earlier he wouldnt be in this position, which I admit was a bit harsh as I know money is tighter for him with maintenance and his car. He said Ive made him feel like a crap dad and that I clearly dont see his girls as my family.

I dont know if Im being unreasonable here. I dont want the girls to feel left out but I also dont think its fair to cut back on my own kids presents to make up the difference. What would you do?

He spends more on a day to day basis on her DC

Yes and presumably they agreed to that. They didn’t agree to change the Christmas set up and assuming that Op will just take over that or read his mind isn’t OK. It’s the shirking of wife work…

And another thread where a man is expected to pay to house children whose aren’t his whilst the mother works less than full time/earns less

I’m quite shocked with all the people berating OPs partner. The man is not remotely wrong. Have you not read that her DP literally enables OP and her DC to live where they do. She couldn’t afford it on her own. Yet only pays a ‘proportion’ of bills.

Meanwhile, he pays more, CMS and a car. What’s the betting it’s a car that OP has use and convenience of, yet makes no contribution. I wonder how much spare she would have for savings if she was paying 50% of ALL bills ? Which is still less than fair considering OP and kids are 3 and there most of the time and partner is 1 with 2 kids there 4-6 days a month. !

The partner getting very poor deal here and OP is being a cheeky cow bragging about her ability to save while someone else picks up the slack.

BTW no dc need £250 spending on them for Christmas, is pretty grim over consumerism but that , I accept is my opinion. £100-150 is quite enough and any extra you should be paying towards Op and her children’s living costs and reducing the amount he is subsidising you all with.

The CMS that I get for my DC doesn’t even cover the child care I have to pay for in order to be able to work to pay the actual cost of keeping a DC alive.

So what if he’s paying CMS to his ex, that’s less than he would be paying out if his children lived with him full time. He’s paying a slightly bigger proportion of the bills, which he would be paying regardless of whether OP’s children lived there or not.

I very much doubt these bills include OP’s children’s clothes, after school activities, weekend activities and days out, hair cuts, tutors, clubs, pocket money, bus passes, dinner money etc etc etc. Bet it’s not all ‘I insist, we are a fammmmmily’ then.

Some men genuinely do believe that children are women’s responsibility, regardless of whose children they are.

I love the comment that OP’s actions are making him look like a crap dad 🤣 He really has no self awareness, does he?

It’s not rare for the female partner to be earning less and/or working fewer hours than the male partner. The thing that goes largely unremarked and uncredited is that the female partner often picks up way more than their fair share of the other labour. There are a lot of folk here quite ready to assume he’s acting out of altruism. The reality is that he’s getting at least enough out of the relationship to stay in it rather than leave it. As you say, as the partner paying CMS rather than the primary parent he’s already getting the easier ride, which allows him to both earn more and save more. He can of course insist on going absolute 50/50 with OP if he thinks that’s what’s fair. I’d be interested to know his reasons for not doing this.

Exactly this.

How many posters are spectacularly missing the point that what she "saves" and wants to spend on just her kids, is the money he's paying out for her kids bills all year?

He needs to stop that and spend it on his own kids, if OP has the audacity to say "it's my money, so it goes on my kids presents".

Then use "your money" to pay for your kids bills then. Won't be any left for presents then, will there.

Yes I have increased what I pay into the joint account since I started doing more hours, not by loads but I did put it up. We havent sat down and worked it all out again recently though so maybe thats something we need to do.

I could probably afford another £50 or so for each of the girls but £75 each would be pushing it a bit now Ive bought most of mine. I dont want to start taking things back from my two, especially when Ive been putting money aside for months.

The advent calendar is actually a good idea, my youngest would love that but DD is 13 and I think she’d see straight through me trying to move things out of her pile 😂 I could maybe do it with some of the smaller bits though. I dont want to make a huge thing of it, just trying to work out whats fair really.

I dont want to start taking things back from my two, especially when Ive been putting money aside for months

You are royally taking the piss.

He's overpaying bills that go towards your kids. And the bit you're not paying, you're calling "I've been putting money aside for months" and spend it all on presents for your kids, and get the arse that any of that should go on his??

It's his money you've been trousering! Under the guise of contributing less than you should all throughout the year.

I have increased what I pay into the joint account since I started doing more hours, not by loads but I did put it up. We havent sat down and worked it all out again recently though so maybe thats something we need to do.

Yeah, you should.

Ah I see now that he is paying the bills where you live....that puts a different slant on it as he is contributing more into the day to day living costs of you and your DC's.
Also that you wouldn't be able to live where you do without him financially.
I think you need to find a fair way of doing things.
Blended families are not easy....

i think you are well within your rights op. my husband has 2 kids i have one from a previous marriage and we share a child. i buy all my own child xmas presents and he buys for his own kids. we go half on our own child.
he buys my child (his stepdaughter) a few little gifts and i do the same for his kids too. they also have presents from the other parents and family too so will benefit more.
i dont think its unfair to do it this way as they have two parents already! anything is a bonus i wouldnt expect anything from my husband as shes his stepdaughter not his daughter’

Its up to you but £250 each seems a lot considering each kid then has presumably the same back at other parents house.
But thats up to you.
Sounds like he just assumed you would sort the presents all now.
Might make sense for the older 2 to get some of the presents as money? Depends on the kids but not all like lots of parent selected stuff.

I imagine it's a common problem.

This is the kind of thing you should have discussed when agreeing your budgets, not squirrelling money away without discussion. Agree it’s your right to spend what you like but can see why he feels a bit caught out. If more conversations happened and people took their time moving in a lot of stress could be avoided, IMO.

Anyway to me there are 2 x options for buying Christmas gifts with blended / separated families.

Bio parents agree budget each will spend between the 2 of them, and buy gifts for own bio kids.

Blended family agree a budget for all 4 kids.

You are supposed to be a blended family so all the girls should be treated equally. There should have been a discussion about how much the kids were getting. You live together so things shouldnt carry on as they did before when you were 2 separate households rather than a blended family.
If he genuinely cant afford it then an agreement as to how much you spend between you should have happened before buying. If you cant afford between you to equal things up then perhaps it would be an idea to give your girls something before Christmas and explain to them why you are doing it. Then plan accordingly next year. All 4 are your families children. If he is stupid with money then he needs pressuring to sort that out but if he really cant afford to spend more on Christmas then it isnt fair for them to get up and feel like they are the poor relations on Christmas day.

It is in a way because he pays more into the household than she does even though her two children live in the house most of the time and his children are only there every other weekend.

I think that all four should have the same number of presents to open as they will be spending Christmas together and children who feel they are less important won't forget.
I don't know how that should be done but for the sake of the children OP and her husband need to sort it out so all four children feel valued.
At the moment they are not behaving like family and perhaps they should have separate Christmases.

If you can put another £50 in each for his DDs maybe he could match it? Then next year you could save together. We save all year round, it's a standing order into a separate account and we try to save enough for the big food shop and other family gifts as well.

How much are you both contributing to the joint account . You are likely being unreasonable if he is paying more.
His dc are only there every other weekend and yours are there most of the time.
He is paying more each month because he earns more and that is subsidising you.
Yet you're expecting to keep your saved money (for your dc) separate from him and his dc.
I think you need to decide which it is.
If you want it separate, pay 50/50 each for the household.
If you want it to be as a percentage of earnings, share your Christmas savings.
You've only been able to save it in the first place because he is paying more. He's only one person and you and your dc are three.

Not being funny but he IS a crap dad if he hasn't thought of his poor girls! Christmas is at the same time every year...
Very lazy of him to expect you to sort it out without a budget or prior warning.

I think this would be the sensible option to prevent disharmony such as you are already experiencing. It isn't very kind to give expensive gifts to some of the kids and not others who will be at the same house for Christmas. If you put yourself in their shoes, you must be able to remember how it felt when you were young and perceived things to be unfair. I know some people will say they are ungrateful brats but it will really upset their Christmas - it would be different if they weren't all going to be together but they are so that needs to be taken into account.

Not your problem!

You said that is already how you have done things in the past, you can't just change things this year because his children happen to be there on Christmas day.
People that think its unfair but who knows the mothers financial situation they may very well be getting loads there.
Christmas isn't just about presents anyway so maybe its a good time for them to learn that.
My partner gets his daughter just one main gift, books, clothes and I pay for stock fillers as I get for all the kids. He earns way more than I do, in fact way more than most, but he doesn't feel it necessary to overindulge on just one day of the year.
He happily pays for things she needs throughout the year and her mother gets almost £900 in CM from him each month. She is hardly suffering.
Just enjoy the day.

I agree that it is important that your girls don’t lose out by getting less presents than before, juat because you I’ve moved in with your partner.

You probably do need to sit down and figure out what is equitable since you have earned more, and the household costs might be higher for electricity and heating for the three in your family versus the “one” of your DP, plus his two girls every two weeks. Then a discussion is needed about what is fair to pay for each other’s children going forward.

But realistically he needs to up his present game so that all the children are happy and feel valued. And so they feel that you moving in together has it’s upsides for everyone involved.

He's resentful because you've got your shit together for Christmas and he hasn't.

Hmm, it's a difficult one, this. And bringing it up so late in the year is awkward too

I can see he has a point, but he's way out of order trying to guilt trip you into spending money on his kids when you've always done it separately before.

I don't think you were out of order with your remark about saving for Xmas, btw - of course he should have been doing that. And how essential is the spend on his car? (I don't mean is having a car essential; I mean does he have a more expensive car than he needs? And how does it compare with your car @LadyShade ).

I do agree with others that you should revisit the family finances question and maybe reduce his contribution to take account of the maintenance he pays (given that his kids are only living with you 4 nights out of 14) - which would make it easier for him to save.