Partner says I’m favouring my own children over his because I’ve spent more on their Christmas presents

[LadyShade]

Been with DP just over 3 years and living together about 14 months. Between us we have 4 DC, mine are 13 and 8 and his are 15 and 10. His girls are with us alternate weekends and some of the holidays.

Weve always mainly sorted presents for our own children ourselves. I usually spend around £250 each on mine for Christmas, thats including their stockings and bits, and DP spends about £100-125 on each of his. I earn a bit less than him on paper some months but I do more hours than I used to and have been putting money away since the summer. Im not saying everyone should spend that much btw, its just what I budget for and I dont go into debt over it.

This is the first year all 4 will be here Christmas morning and his girls are staying Christmas Eve too. Ive bought them both a little Christmas eve box because I do them for my two and didnt want them to be the only ones without one. I havent bought their main presents because DP usually does that and we hadnt discussed doing it differently this year.

He saw some of the stuff Ive bought for mine at the weekend and asked what I was getting the girls. I said I wasnt, not their main presents anyway, and he got a bit funny about it. He says its going to look awful if mine have loads to open and his have hardly anything and that I should spend less on mine so we can make it fair between all 4. I said he can spend what he can afford on his girls but I dont see why mine should get less when Ive saved for it all year.

I do get that it could look a bit rubbish on Christmas morning if theres a massive difference, and I dont want them to feel like theyre less important. But they also get presents at their mums and from her family, same as mine get things from their dad. DP says thats not the point and that we are meant to be one family now. I said we are one family but that doesnt mean I suddenly have to pay for all their presents as well.

I did say maybe if he started putting money aside earlier he wouldnt be in this position, which I admit was a bit harsh as I know money is tighter for him with maintenance and his car. He said Ive made him feel like a crap dad and that I clearly dont see his girls as my family.

I dont know if Im being unreasonable here. I dont want the girls to feel left out but I also dont think its fair to cut back on my own kids presents to make up the difference. What would you do?

Money spent does not equal lots to open anyway, its not like he spends £30 and you spend £500, surely the difference isnt going to be that noticeable unless you've hone for loads of little things and he's stuck to 2-3 big things? Also crucially, all of those children are old enough to understand they live in different houses and there are seperate finances involved.. this feels like a bit of a non issue. Im also keen to hear what he's spent/planning on spending on your girls.

So you are spending more on your children than he is on his? Or does he mean that you have not spent the same on his kids as you have on yours?

If the former, that is his problem. He doesn’t get to dictate how much you spend.

If the second… well, that’s also unreasonable because you’re not obliged to spend anything on each other’s children.

You both buy your own kids their gifts and then agree a max amount to spend (if anything) on a token gift for each other’s kids - so a £20 gift per ‘step’ child, perhaps?

But this is just the beginning of the blended family drama. Next he’ll be insisting that you leave them an equal share of your assets in your will, that if you pay for driving lessons or buy them a car you should be doing the same, that if one of your DC’s goes on a school trip, the other should too. And on and on it will go.

Your OH has plenty of time to save up and then go and get his DC other gifts.

This, absolutely.

They’re your children, of course you favour them. And you can both say it’s now one joint blended family but his kids are with you what 4 or 6 days a month so that’s not really true is it. And that’s not your fault.

Shut this bullshit down now.

I do think it's odd when one set of kids have tons of presents to open and another doesn't. We had that with my ex BIL, his kids always had twice as much as mine to open.
So either you agree on a reason together as to why ... when the inevitable question comes or you agree to spend a similar amount. It doesn't need to be identical just similar.
If you are comfortable with the explanation being "daddy buys your presents and I buy my girls theirs and we decided to spend different amounts" then that is absolutely fine. But know that the girls will realise their place in your view of the blended family. I am not saying that's wrong btw ! I am not a fan of blending for these reasons ... Just saying you will ha e to reap what you sow. And if the following Christmas he wins the lotto and spends £1k on his kids, you need to be equally comfortable explaining the reverse.

It doesn’t even sound like he’s in financial hardship, really. I’m not sure how he’s arrived at the conclusion that any of this is OP’s problem to solve. Unless there’s some massive disparity in earnings that would potentially make OP’s behaviour tactless, which there doesn’t seem to be, it sounds an awful lot like he just can’t be arsed and sees an opportunity to get a bit of free labour. What he’s currently spending on them actually seems rather miserly given the price of things now.

Same.

The children of both of you shouldn’t get caught up in the poor communication between the two adults.
The children should be treated equally ,gift wise if they are all together at Christmas.

I DO think they should all have the same spent on them if they are all going to be together. But HE needs to fund that, not you.

He asked what you were buying his DC? Did you ask if he’d be spending an equivalent amount on your DC?

He is an idiot. He chooses what to spend on his DC and you choose what to spend on yours. If he doesn’t like it he can piss off and spend Christmas elsewhere.

You need to work out some way that all the children get the same on Christmas morning. Whatever it takes to make that happen has to happen, even if you are right in not wanting your children to have less than usual.
If you can’t see that all children need to be treated equally, especially on Christmas morning, then you have no business being a stepparent.

"like a crap dad"

Well, if the cap fits 🤐

So he thinks you should spend on his kids but he's not expecting to buy anything for yours? He must be kidding!?

I am always confused by replies that indicate this is OPs issue. Saying things like “ I can’t believe they wouldn’t be treated equally” to the person who has no agency over their partners kids. It’s for the partner to buy for his kids and make it equal, not OP. He has a few months yet to make this happen. He is hardly rushing out to buy things for OPs children but still seem to think she should stump up for his. Ridiculous.

Surely he should spend more on his and you should spend more on your- expecting you to step in for him is very strange, or stingy.

He sounds like another child.

He has plenty of time to get shopping . Xmas comes the same time every year so he needs to budget . If you have been buying things separately how are you supposed to know what he got his kids ? Did they ask him for what they wanted ? Are him and his ex splitting things ? If it's quantity he's worried about he can always supplement with things like socks , hair accessories, chocolates , wash products,etc.

Indeed. All that needs to happen to make this fair is that he needs to spend on each of his children what OP spends on each of hers. Done. Sorted. But he doesn’t want to do that because he’s on the make.

I dont actually know exactly what hes got them yet, he said he has got a few bits but not everything. They have asked for things but I dont think hes bought all of it and I dont know what him and his ex have agreed between them, thats probably something I should ask him tbh.

I did say he could get them some extra little bits if hes worried about how much there is to open, its not like everything has to be expensive. He seems more bothered about the value of what mine have got though rather than just the amount of presents. I have been saving for mine for months and dont really want to start taking things back now, but equally I dont want his girls sat there feeling awkward on Christmas morning. It’s a bit of a mess really.

I think it’s a conversation you should have had when realised they were going to be with you for Christmas and your partner should have been putting extra away to match it and make it really special. It’s not your fault, but can see it’s going to make the other children feel bad.

This. Can you both be adults and agree on a set amount/number of presents for each child. Hold back the other presents until you have them on your own. It’s not worth making his girls feel worse on the day is it?

Next year discuss ahead of time and save the same amount for each.

I don’t think you have to contribute financially towards his kids presents, but I do think it would be horrible not just for his kids but for yours too if on Christmas morning yours have a 30 present pile and his have 10 each. Presumably you love each other and care for each other and if you are living together there is at least some intention on blending families so I wouldn’t put any of the kids in that awkward situation.

Give extra presents separately to yours so they get the same amount you want to give them but in two chunks.

Not even just how it would make his kids feel but hers too. Especially the eldest, I’d have felt awful at that age sat opening a pile of presents on christmas morning opposite another two kids who were just sat watching with nothing left to open who got noticeably and considerably less, I would have felt guilty myself and rushed through opening to get it over with so it would have taken the enjoyment out for me too.

Which family do you want your kids to grow up in?
A) a household consisting of one family consisting of two parents (one bio and one step) and 4 siblings (2 of whom are actually step to the other 2)?
B) a household consisting of two families. Each child having one parent and one bio sibling, and happening to live with the other family?

I don't think either approach is wrong, but if the kids are going to be given very different amounts for Christmas, with it mainly coming from their own parent and a token thing from their step parent, the kids will very clearly know they are living in B and that's what the adults want.