Partner says I’m favouring my own children over his because I’ve spent more on their Christmas presents

[LadyShade]

Been with DP just over 3 years and living together about 14 months. Between us we have 4 DC, mine are 13 and 8 and his are 15 and 10. His girls are with us alternate weekends and some of the holidays.

Weve always mainly sorted presents for our own children ourselves. I usually spend around £250 each on mine for Christmas, thats including their stockings and bits, and DP spends about £100-125 on each of his. I earn a bit less than him on paper some months but I do more hours than I used to and have been putting money away since the summer. Im not saying everyone should spend that much btw, its just what I budget for and I dont go into debt over it.

This is the first year all 4 will be here Christmas morning and his girls are staying Christmas Eve too. Ive bought them both a little Christmas eve box because I do them for my two and didnt want them to be the only ones without one. I havent bought their main presents because DP usually does that and we hadnt discussed doing it differently this year.

He saw some of the stuff Ive bought for mine at the weekend and asked what I was getting the girls. I said I wasnt, not their main presents anyway, and he got a bit funny about it. He says its going to look awful if mine have loads to open and his have hardly anything and that I should spend less on mine so we can make it fair between all 4. I said he can spend what he can afford on his girls but I dont see why mine should get less when Ive saved for it all year.

I do get that it could look a bit rubbish on Christmas morning if theres a massive difference, and I dont want them to feel like theyre less important. But they also get presents at their mums and from her family, same as mine get things from their dad. DP says thats not the point and that we are meant to be one family now. I said we are one family but that doesnt mean I suddenly have to pay for all their presents as well.

I did say maybe if he started putting money aside earlier he wouldnt be in this position, which I admit was a bit harsh as I know money is tighter for him with maintenance and his car. He said Ive made him feel like a crap dad and that I clearly dont see his girls as my family.

I dont know if Im being unreasonable here. I dont want the girls to feel left out but I also dont think its fair to cut back on my own kids presents to make up the difference. What would you do?

Op I suppose this comes down to it’s easy for everyone to say eff him etc etc and yes he is being unreasonable imo but at the same time ye live together and presumably love each other and playing advocate while he hadn’t saved his presents were only not enough in comparison to yours, so I suppose if it’s worth it ye talk it out and he figures out buying an extra something or ye make a plan for next year or sadly you decide you’re both too different

Ok, so my perspective is:

you buy for your kids
he buys for his
you both buy something for the others kids too.
Christmas Eve boxes should be a shared cost.

this is what I did before me and DH blended families anyway, I always got his kids bits and bobs for Christmas but spent more on my son.

since we blended families we have a budget for Christmas that’s the same for each child (£100 under the tree and £50 for stockings). To be fair it’s what my budget always was for my son anyway and we readjust it each year depending on the ages of the kids and the cost of things (we started at £100 total for under tree and stockings but things have gone up). We get lots off Vinted/fb marketplace and the kids all have plenty to open but not an excessive amount. Personally I couldn’t stomach watching some of the children feeling less than in my home but I also don’t think you should have to pay half of his kids presents unless he’s also paying half of yours (which would be moot since you have 2 kids each so it would be the same as what you’ve done now). Equally I don’t think he’s wrong to be upset as you’re now suggesting he finds another £300 to match what you’ve spent and he’s not got that.

I could not be in a relationship with a man like that. Run.

And me.

I don't think you should have to pay for his DCs presents but I do think you should reduce what you give yours so that they are all getting an equal amount from you and your DP. I think doing otherwise is cruel. They're not going to see it as separate parents paying for separate things, you and your DP will be seen as one unit giving presents to all the DC so it should be equal.

I'm not saying you should be buying his kids' presents at all. But I do think this could have been better thought through so that there aren't two really disappointed girls who will obviously notice the difference with less than half the amount spent on them than your two. Some ideas - you could match his budget and give your two some spending money for the January sales as well when you're not all together. Or use some of the money for experiences like a light trail or pantomime. Or chat to your girls about what would feel fair to them.

Depends really. How are bills split if you live together m? Do your children live mainly with you? Presumably he earns more but has to pay CMS. If he earns more but pays more of the bills why is that when he is housing you and your children if they live predominantly with you? So many reasons why it’s difficult to comment either way. But yes I’d have had a conversation as soon as you knew his girls would also be there for Xmas day about budgets and traditions and expectations

I swear I read a similar story a few weeks ago.

I can see both sides and if it was me I would want the kids to open balanced presents on Christmas Day as they are together and you are now one family. If it was me, I would gift my own children with money to give the extra. Far more useful at their ages anyway. I know this wouldn’t work for everyone but just saying what I would do. If your OH can’t afford more it’s just seems a shame his visibly get less regardless of the situation, they are just kids at the end of the day. Or you explain to the kids dad has bought his kids and you have bought yours so presents will vary. Be honest.

I would feel so resentful having the feelings of his kids leveraged against me in this way. Who does the majority of the work preparing for the day itself, OP? Who does the food shop, cooks, puts the decks up etc? Is the labour being shared in other ways?

But both set of girls will get more gifts at their other parents homes as well. They are not young kids that don't understand the dynamics of seperate households .
It's not fair if the OP wasn't told what he got for his . And it's not like it's Xmas Eve !

We split the bills based on what we earn, he does pay more than me but not massively more and we both agreed to it when we moved in. My two are with me most of the time yes, their dad has them alternate weekends. I dont think hes housing us though, we both live here and I pay my share of the bills. I know he has CMS to pay and his car as well which is why I said I probably shouldnt have made the comment about saving earlier.

I do agree we should have talked about it sooner, I just didnt think it would become an issue as weve always bought for our own children and neither of us has had a problem with it before. I suppose having all 4 here Christmas morning has made it feel different to him. I dont want his girls to feel like an afterthought, I just dont think the answer is automatically to spend less on mine.

Really you should be paying more than him … your children are not his. He is effectively supplementing their housing/living costs since he pays more for one person than you do for 3…. I think your comment to him about saving more was out of line. You are only able to spend what you are on your children because he is paying disproportionately more of the bills. If you had to house yourself and 2 children you’d be paying more than you are now surely...

I get what youre saying but its not like hes paying for everything and Im just keeping my money for myself. I pay what we agreed based on our wages and I also pay for things for the house that dont always come out of the joint account. I do accept I was out of order saying he should have saved more, I was annoyed and it came out wrong.

I wouldnt be able to afford this house on my own with the children no, but neither would he be paying the same bills if he lived on his own so I dont think its quite as simple as saying hes subsidising us. We both benefit from living together financially.

Maybe we should look again at how we split things, Im not saying thats off the table. But I still dont think that means I should have to spend the same on all 4 children at Christmas, especially when weve always dealt with presents separately before.

Op I suppose this comes down to it’s easy for everyone to say eff him etc etc and yes he is being unreasonable imo but at the same time ye live together and presumably love each other and playing advocate while he hadn’t saved his presents were only not enough in comparison to yours, so I suppose if it’s worth it ye talk it out and he figures out buying an extra something or ye make a plan for next year or sadly you decide you’re both too different

Yes this too. The disparity could make it a really rubbish Christmas for everyone. I don’t think anyone is saying give less to your kids - just give some of it separately.

I wouldn’t be changing the the amount I spend on my DC at Christmas but as they are close in ages, I would consider staggering the opening times so that they appear equal in the moment.

Not going to help the situation this year but going forward, does it not make more sense to have a joint savings account for Christmas. You both pay in equal amounts all year, then divide equally between all the four children.
Id feel pretty uncomfortable with my dc having much more to open on Christmas Day than his do. But at the same time, I agree you shouldn't have to subsidise him with your money. Especially when he hasn't bothered to save up himself.

@LadyShade
He's only unhappy because his kids will physically have less than yours to open on the day but
He's allowed to spend more on his to bring up present numbers if he wants to, he's a big boy now
But instead expects you to do it because you're all "famerlee"?
Sod that
You budgeted for all you bought and even considered his children into the equation
What has he bought yours??

Typical man response - ive done a bad job but you can fix it because you're a woman. 🙄

Doesn’t matter what his girls get from other people. What matters is you’re a family and in your home everyone gets the same. Of course?

There's no "I get what you're saying but..."
He subsidises you and your DC all year round. Just because you don't pay zero, doesn't mean you aren't being subsided.

I think it's pretty shit to then say you can save more so your kids have got more presents than his.

I would never allow a child to feel less than others on Christmas morning either. And that's how his two will feel. His two that have less ironically because DP pays higher bills for you and your DC, allowing you to save.... and then you spend that on just your kids Christmas presents? He's effectively paid for them.

Oooh no no no, OP.

We simply buy our own kids’ presents, it’s simpler though we do make up stockings jointly which are all the same basically, little things like lip balm, hair bobbles, small perfume each, sweets etc.

As much as lsee your point op, l know l would feel bad on Xmas morning for the kods- l was the one who got much less as a child and even now l still remember how l felt - not a blended family but my auntie and uncle for some reason always spent a lot more on my sister than they did on me. Tough one but l would make up for it on their birthdays.

You're not acting like a family though. There's clear division and this is only going to highlight it. Gifts should be joint.