Childfree step mother failing as a step-parent and worried about my marriage.

[FloralGreen]

I have no children. My husband has a daughter but her mother had moved away for work when the child was very young some years earlier so when we got together, contact with my stepdaughter did occur but was fairly minimal on my part. I found her a challenge to be around - usual complaints I see about kids - she was rude, spoilt, entitled, demanding - I did try but she was a difficult kid.

My husband and I have tried for children but it didn't happen for us. We instead have had a lot of freedom to just do what we want most of the time and to really enjoy life. I have been so happy with my husband and the life we had together. He has always kept in contact with his daughter but due to distance and, no doubt her mother in her ear, she has been reducing contact as she'a got a bit older and secretly and selfishly, I've been quite relieved.

However, everything changed after my stepdaughter's mother died and she moved in with us full-time. We've done our best to settle her and help her adjust, counselling, found her social groups etc. And she has settled and tells us and others that she's happier living where she lives now.

The problem is me because I have never been so unhappy and miserable and just generally hopeless and deflated. I absolutely hate my life now. Everything that was fun and good has gone. Every aspect of my life has changed for the worse due to having a teenager in the house. I miss my independence, my happiness, the weekends away, even just chilling on the sofa without having a child around. She's rude, messy, lazy - all the things people say their kids are like but I am really struggling because she is not my child and I have no love bond with her so I just feel like I have this rude person in my house messing it up, eating all the food, and stopping me doing things I used to do. Even things like going on holiday - we can't go out of term-time now so it's either pay a lot more money, go somewhere not as nice, or just not going anywhere. And, I know parents face this challenge all the time but she's not my kid.

I know I sound horrible - I really feel horrible too! - but I'm feeling so resentful and struggling with the situation. My husband is amazing and so supportive but I'm not coping well with losing the life I loved and having it replaced with just misery and sadness for a kid who isn't mine.

Does anyone have any tips? Or, has anyone been in a similar situation and had to leave? It's devastating me to be in this situation and obviously I knew my husband had a kid when we married but nothing could have prepared me for this and just how awful life would become. We have about two years until she hopefully goes to uni and I thought I could cope but as the months have gone on, I feel even worse and think I'm just about at breaking point.

Just to add that I do feel my stepdaughter deserves better than me. I've tried but I can't switch on maternal feelings or love.

I wonder if family therapy can help here?
It might be a good idea to look into this.

No don't leave Op, but look at having a life for yourself outside of the family, most mum's have hobbies and friends to give them a break. At 16 Dsd is old enough to be left for an hour or 2, to give you time out.

I suggest you move out then,your obviously not child friendly and you knew your husband had a child so what do you expect

Haven't read later posts and feel a lot of sympathy for you OP. You have had some good advice and l don't think leaving is necessary. However please don't go forward with the notion that she is 16 and so will 'be out of your house in two years'. Maybe she will leave at eighteen but it is bloody tough out there for young people and those forced out very young have reduced life chances. I think she needs to know she has a secure home until ready to leave (within reason not until the age of thirty). Please don't ever make her think you are counting the days down and she has to leave before has a job and she can pay her for rent etc.

@Clairesp85 But parents don't have to schedule their holidays during termtime for adult children (one frustration that the OP mentioned), for example, their parents can do their own thing as much as they want.

That's why those of us with teenagers/ young adult child are trying to reassure the OP that the current situation is only temporary and soon gets easier.

If you leave your husband you are giving up that much loved life for ever. If you work through this, you can have it back in maybe two years.

Get counselling. Find activities you love and enjoy. Carve out child free tine for the two of you (all parents need to do this). Ask other relatives to get involved so you can still do your term time breaks. Find safe spaces in the house where you can chill.

I understand this feels huge but it really is just a moment in a long and loving relationship. And could you respect your husband if he didn’t step up for his daughter? What type of man would that make him?

I have a hobby and very occasionally I go away for a weekend to do it. Can you have the of fun break for you, focus on getting through the next two years and getting her to uni.

Agree. Is she even 16 yet ? Did she lose her Mum at 15 ? The main parent in her life has gone, in her mid teens when everything is changing quickly and school is getting more pressured, friendships can be difficult, and kids need more support not less.
You married someone who was already a father, how can you not have given any thought to the possibility of his child wanting or needing him to step up and actually be a proper parent to her ? Why aren’t you making a massive effort to care for her and make her feel supported and loved ?
I feel so sorry for this girl.

Death is one extreme, but did it honestly never occur to you that she could end up living with you full-time for any number of reasons? Just because she wanted to, breakdown in relationship with her mum, new partner, school, college, etc. You didn't discuss the important things before you married, so now you need to. If you can't be what she needs, then you should leave. There's no point in everyone being miserable. She needs to be with her dad, but she doesn't need to be raised by someone who resents her.

How much time has passed since your your stepdaughter moved in, OP?

What does your DH say about the change in lifestyle?

@ACynicalDad Yep, so does my DH and I encourage him as it's good for him to get away and do his own thing.

Same for me we tried and couldn’t have them also

Do you think that children that are not yours are worth less? To me, of course they are worth less. I don’t treat every child across the world wherever they happen to live with the same effort and love I give to my own. Nobody does!
Do children that are not yours deserve to be loved? Of course they do, but not necessarily by me. Same point as above.
Are children that are not yours equal to your own children? They are equal objectively, but not to me. Because they are MY children which makes them special to ME.
If a child is not yours, are they less of a person? As above of course not, just of less importance TO ME.
The extent to which a child is close to me - my children, nieces, nephews, friends children etc etc creates their worth TO ME. Anyone who says they treat every child the same despite the level of closeness they have to them is being disingenuous.
This guilt trip attempt is unfair.

Children do change your life. And even more so if you had made peace with being childfree, and then it has been thrust upon you. Have you mentioned to your husband you’re struggling? I hope you are taking time for yourself out of the house for you? She’s 16 not 6 surely you don’t both need to be home constantly?

I am struggling to see how your life has changed day to day though, surely you both worked? And still do? It’s the summer holidays I appreciate but the end is in sight and being back at school/college will give some structure. Her rudeness needs to be challenged by her dad, although if memory serves this is common at this age!

Would you be happier being single versus remaining married but with therapy and some things in place to ensure you’re all happy?

I think there’s several things going on at once here.

Firstly, you’re grieving your old life, which is hardly surprising - it sounds fabulous. You will get it back, but in the meantime, it might help to identify ways in which you can find glimmers or pockets of it in spite of your current situation. Can you and your husband earmark a night for dinner or the cinema once a week? A weekend away every couple of months (one of your SD’s friends could sleep over to keep her company, with maybe a trusted adult keeping a discrete eye from afar, and clear ground rules about no other visitors to the house)? Is there a room in the house that you can claim just for you, so that you can still have time alone when you need it? You are still in the adjustment period. In time, having her in the house will feel normal and you’ll be able to relax and not feel you should be doing something with/for her.

Secondly, you’re beating yourself up for not loving (or even particularly liking) your SD but why would you? You barely know her and she you. Try to accept that you feel how you feel and that’s ok. She’s not expecting love from you. She probably doesn’t want it. Try to stop interrogating and judging your own feelings. Just accept them. They might change over time. They might not. That’s fine.

Thirdly, as one of three people sharing a home, you are perfectly entitled to establish boundaries/expectations of behaviour. Challenge rudeness (gently/kindly) whilst modelling politeness/consideration. Ask for mess to be tidied away. Make it clear which food in the fridge/cupboards is earmarked for meals and which is available for snacking on.

Lastly, lean on friends and family. Go out without DH and DSD. Give them time together and yourself some respite. Go on holiday during term time with a friend. Vent if you need to. Build a life apart from them so that you can feel less resentful when with them.

If you can make your SD feel secure and welcome in your home, whilst finding a way to make the situation more bearable for yourself, you’ll hopefully find yourselves back to something resembling your old life sooner than you think.

I thought this was good advice.
Was just going to say that as she settles into school, her own life is going to start getting really busy and you will get more free time back. Two years seems like a long time but it will fly by.
In the meantime, you had a list of the things you missed.. could you organise something every now and then, like a date night or night out with friends? If things are getting untidy or messy could you get a cleaner in once or twice a month to take some of the pressure off?
In my experience, teens over 16 like to have their bedrooms more like a personal sitting room, so you may find that she's either at a friends, or in her room doing school work or chatting to friends.

I think that having to be a mother to someone who has lost a mother must seem like a very daunting hill to climb. But you can think of it instead as being a good reliable person in her life, which I'm sure you are. You are currently providing a home and security and company for someone who would not otherwise have them, as someone who has lost a parent you and your DH are there to help with school uniform, dinner, advice and generally being someone to come home to.

She will (tho she may not always show it) be grateful for that and despite the struggle for both of you to get used to the changes, you may find that you will get used to each other and things will get better.

This is probably what I would do, call the situation out for what it is. Seems to me a more honest way of dealing with this than weeping in the shower and then probably plastering a smile on your face. This is not a tiny child who can be fooled or fobbed off so much better to lay cards on the table and try and make a fresh but very real start. A letter might work either if the suggestion to go for coffee or lunch would not be welcome.

To totally ignore the stepdaughter element briefly - how old are you and were you feeling at all different or mentally wobbly before your SD situation?

Im just wondering if actually there is an ubfortunate coincidence of physiological changes causing the mental health issues at the very point where the SD moved in and the situation not only exercerbated those feelings, but carried the full blame for them.

I am swayed by my own experience here where I blamed my deteriorating mental health on all the external elements - relationship failing, losing my job, the death of a friend - only for it to turn out to be perimenopause and within a couple of weeks of starting hormones things improved considerably in my head, even thoigh it took many more months for my situation to get better.

So - just something to consider that might make everything else so much more manageable if it is a factor.

Show me where OP has said she either dislikes or 'can't stand' her stepdaughter. You won't be able to, because she hasn't, and I think it's probably clear to most of us that that isn't how she feels.

You seem to have conveniently missed the posts where OP has expressed her compassion for her stepdaughter, trying to help her with her social life, buying her gifts etc. You're probably going to sneer something about a guilty conscience, OP has admitted to feeling guilty too (not that I personally think she needs to feel guilty for having her own needs and priorities and not being endlessly self-sacrificing), but these are not the actions of someone who dislikes or 'can't stand' a person. Nor would OP feel guilt if that were the case, imo.

Not loving a person, or wanting them to behave like a decent human being, is not the same thing as disliking or not being able to stand them. And it isn't wrong of OP to want to not be so unhappy she cries when she wakes up in the morning.

Annnnd... bingo. 🙄

That’s much too responsibility for a 16yo that has just lost her mum.
Her role isn’t to help the OP feel better. Her role is to grow up whilst being supported by her remaining parent.

I mean, has telling your teen that leaving mess is driving you to distraction ever had an impact? Why do you think it would if someone that isn’t her parent would?

I do feel for you OP. Even in the best of circumstances, teenagers can be a pain in the arse and I can quite see that suddenly having one thrust upon you must be a discombobulating experience. Sadly, life has a very nasty habit of throwing us a curve ball when we least expect it but I think you need a bit of perspective. This particular curve ball will only last for a couple of years until your DSD goes off to university and from that point on things will become more manageable. And it could be so much worse - a very dear friend of mine and her DH are currently having to face his shock cancer diagnosis and the prospect of a major surgery, followed by a year of chemo and radiotherapy even though a successful outcome is by no means certain. At least your current situation is a temporary one and it won't be too long before you can get your life back on track.

I think it would be really feeble and pretty selfish of you to bail on your DH now, especially since he is probably also feeling equally discombobulated by this unexpected turn of events and torn between his love for you and his sense of duty towards his daughter. I think you just have to grit your teeth and get on with it, while continuing to do the best you can for your DSD. In the big scheme of things two years is nothing and things will probably feel a bit better as you all get more used to your new living situation. Chin up OP - I know you can do it!

I think the trouble for me upon reading your initial post was that rather than going "this is hard, please help me be a better step parent to this teen", you said "I want to leave this teen at a difficult time for her and I'd rather leave my husband so I can have holidays whenever I want than just hold off for a couple of years until she's 18".

I'm so glad your step daughter has found her people, is building a community, and that will make a huge difference.

I haven't seen any responses from you about how your husband is parenting your stepdaughter regarding boundaries, consequences etc. Because that's the focus for you finding your footing in this new family dynamic. It is hard starting from scratch.

As I mentioned in my response here yesterday, are any of you having counselling or therapy? I think that would be helpful for working through grief but also looking at approaches that could help you all manage this big change in your lives.

My teens have been in my life their whole lives so our expectations, our communications, our boundaries and shorthand and shared jokes and rhythms and routines are all very embedded and have developed over the last couple of decades. You're starting from nowhere and that is hard. We can acknowledge that and use that as a platform for finding a way forwards rather than running away from change.

As your stepdaughter's developed relationships locally, have you built relationships with the parents of her peers? Have you spoken with them? They are going to be so much more helpful to you than us as they'll know the child, the context, they'll be able to give advice, support and listening ears. How do they address laziness or rudeness in their households?

We go for the "c'mon mate, we're a team, you've got to pull your weight" angle, the "I'll give you a lift to the gym after you've washed up because I cooked and your brother washed up last night" and "using the washing machine is a life skill".

Sometimes I'm lazy, sometimes I'm rude. Sometimes my kids are. But without prompting, once they've eaten or they've calmed down and had time to reflect, they will always aplologise, as will I. "Sorry I was grumpy earlier, I was hungry and had a headache and I'm really stressed about this work thing, but it wasn't fair that I snapped at you, sorry, love you." Kind of thing.

I think that the unexpected loss of your old life has hit your mental health. This is not your fault and you sound really depressed. I would speak to your GP. It would not be the end of the world if antidepressants helped you to adjust and put your chemical balance back in kilter. I don't think you sound just 'fed up'. Mental health professional speaking here, by the way.
Meanwhile, try to find a mutual interest with your SD. It needn't be big....or even that time consuming. Two years are not for for ever...
Look at holidays that SD and you two can all enjoy. Safari? Cruise the med? Adventure hols?
Try to build up a friendship with her but little by little. Go to cinema..just the two of you, eat pop corn etc. Ask her to go to sky diving with you, do something daft...try and laugh again. TWO YEARS is not a long time. Xxx

When I moved in with my DH I knew he had a 24 year old daughter who lived abroad with her mother and was coming to live with us for two years while she got settled and found a job, friends and somewhere to live.

As time progressed, it became obvious that she couldn't live independently from us and she has been with us for 10 years and two house moves. She was born at 25 weeks and has learning difficulties.

It was very, very hard and there are days when I still resent her being here. Fortunately we have a three storey house and she lives on the top floor, where I rarely go.

I am resigned to the fact that she will never leave and my husband's half of the house that we bought together when she was an adult, and we both pay 50/50 will go to her. This is also hard. I am living with a 33 year old woman with big problems and have to share space and time with her.

I never wanted children and never had them, and this was the right decision for me, so I do feel that I didn't get much of a say and I'm now supporting a disabled adult, which was one of the many reasons I didn't want children, though not the main reason. But, ten years on, I have got to know her and we have a good relationship.

There are boundaries. He deals with her emotionally and I refuse to "parent" her. I have had to take her to Tesco to discuss periods etc (long story) and I am supporting her with her admin, because it's part of my expertise. But she's still living in my house and I have to live with that.

I hope it will get better for you, OP, and in time she will move out and have her own life. But I really do understand your position and you have my complete sympathy.