Childfree step mother failing as a step-parent and worried about my marriage.

[FloralGreen]

I have no children. My husband has a daughter but her mother had moved away for work when the child was very young some years earlier so when we got together, contact with my stepdaughter did occur but was fairly minimal on my part. I found her a challenge to be around - usual complaints I see about kids - she was rude, spoilt, entitled, demanding - I did try but she was a difficult kid.

My husband and I have tried for children but it didn't happen for us. We instead have had a lot of freedom to just do what we want most of the time and to really enjoy life. I have been so happy with my husband and the life we had together. He has always kept in contact with his daughter but due to distance and, no doubt her mother in her ear, she has been reducing contact as she'a got a bit older and secretly and selfishly, I've been quite relieved.

However, everything changed after my stepdaughter's mother died and she moved in with us full-time. We've done our best to settle her and help her adjust, counselling, found her social groups etc. And she has settled and tells us and others that she's happier living where she lives now.

The problem is me because I have never been so unhappy and miserable and just generally hopeless and deflated. I absolutely hate my life now. Everything that was fun and good has gone. Every aspect of my life has changed for the worse due to having a teenager in the house. I miss my independence, my happiness, the weekends away, even just chilling on the sofa without having a child around. She's rude, messy, lazy - all the things people say their kids are like but I am really struggling because she is not my child and I have no love bond with her so I just feel like I have this rude person in my house messing it up, eating all the food, and stopping me doing things I used to do. Even things like going on holiday - we can't go out of term-time now so it's either pay a lot more money, go somewhere not as nice, or just not going anywhere. And, I know parents face this challenge all the time but she's not my kid.

I know I sound horrible - I really feel horrible too! - but I'm feeling so resentful and struggling with the situation. My husband is amazing and so supportive but I'm not coping well with losing the life I loved and having it replaced with just misery and sadness for a kid who isn't mine.

Does anyone have any tips? Or, has anyone been in a similar situation and had to leave? It's devastating me to be in this situation and obviously I knew my husband had a kid when we married but nothing could have prepared me for this and just how awful life would become. We have about two years until she hopefully goes to uni and I thought I could cope but as the months have gone on, I feel even worse and think I'm just about at breaking point.

Just to add that I do feel my stepdaughter deserves better than me. I've tried but I can't switch on maternal feelings or love.

my husband's half of the house that we bought together when she was an adult, and we both pay 50/50 will go to her.

@MyrtleLion are you sure about this bit? DH and I bought a house between us, and if one of us dies it transfers to the other, it doesn’t go to his children

As so often happens on here the op has left the building and you are all now preaching to the choir.

Yes, we were together for five or six years when we bought this house and we are tenants in common. We drew up our wills at the same time and his half goes to DSD. I get his pension and half his death in service benefit. She gets the other half. We have also agreed that I can sell the house and buy something else with her and live there until my death. I have a life interest of living in this house or any subsequent house bought with the proceeds, if we continue to live together. Her money will go into a trust and we have named my brother and one of his sisters as joint executors and trustees to represent my and her interests.

His sister who is the executor is my age and she has a SEN daughter, and lives hundreds of miles away so I doubt DSD would live with her, and his other sister lives even more hundreds of miles away who would definitely not take her.

In an ideal world, I would buy DSD a supported flat with her money, and hopefully she would have a nestegg as well, and then live separately, but I doubt she will ever be fully out of my life. I come from a family who live a long time - DM currently 80 and very hale and hearty. DH has weight issues and high blood pressure. This is all well-managed and he's currently healthy, early-60s, but he is more likely to go before me.

I wholly agree. OP sounds extremely selfish and as though she wants her husband all to herself (despite her knowing he has children). As a grown woman its concerning to think in that way.

The poor child’s mother has died. If you can’t find any compassion for her then you need to move out.

What I understand is - your husband is lovely - your marriage was a dream.

Your husband is a father.
His daughter has lost her Mum and will be in a period of bereavement/ grieving

You are in a period of bereavement on losing everything you know of your home life in one fell swoop.

You don't need anyone else to advise you on next steps. You need to unravel and process your feelings in a timeframe that allows you to step away from your home life for the time needed. Perhaps, you are the type to self-assess, and a holiday away on a solo trip will help. Perhaps, you need to see a counsellor to help you break things into manageable chunks to work through.

You know what you need to do to process this in your own time. Make this happen, but don't take rash decisions from anyone else for something this important and where actions may be detrimentally life changing for you.

She doesn’t have her own children though and she barely knows this child. You can’t just automatically love a child who
comes into your life

I’m so sorry for you. I couldn’t cope in your situation. You didn’t sign up for this so perhaps you need to go your own way.

I’m really sorry to read that you’re struggling so much.
Probably not having the freedom to o wherever you want whenever is also forcing you to look at life without your own child and freedom.
Could you go on holiday with friends instead during term time?
Are you having counselling, too? That might help.
You caring so much about your feelings towards you DSD is a good start imo
I don’t think you’re a horrible person.

If she’s a teenager, then I’m assuming she has a level of independence anyway, and it will only be a few years until she probably moves out has her own life. I do think it’s quite shocking that you didn’t imagine that she might play a more active part in your husband‘s life at some point in the future. You may have been happy being on the sidelines, that doesn’t change the fact that he has always had a daughter for the whole time you have known him. I grew up in a household where a step parent and figure made it quite clear that they would rather that I wasn’t there, which made it all the more hard because my other parent wasn’t alive. Don’t underestimate how difficult this is for your stepdaughter, she’ll be very very aware feeling. If you truly can’t cope with this, then you need to walk away.

It sounds like she’s 16 just about to go to college or 6th form? So I’m not really sure how your life has changed so much?

I have a DD a similar age and I really don’t need to do much for her. She’s out with friends most of the time and is very independent. We cook for her as otherwise she’d just eat biscuits for every meal but other than that, nothing really.

DH and I go away for weekends and leave her at home. We generally do our own thing and she does her own thing.

Yes, she’s messy and that does drive me mad. But not sobbing in the shower mad!!

If I were you I wouldn’t see myself as a step mother. She’s too old for that now anyway. See her just as a young woman you are getting to know. Treat her like the adult she is becoming.

This is a really difficult situation for you. Sounds like you are grieving your old life. Therapy to process that could be a start and to support you in your relationship with your step-daughter.

You are not being unreasonable for finding it horrible - it does sound horrible - but honestly you can suck this up for two years. If your marriage is good, you just have to weather this storm. Then, you can get back to your old life.

In my experience, teen girls grow up quite quickly and become more sociable from 16. The advice about trying to find an activity you can share together, as two females, and all three of you as a family, is wise. And you can do your own stuff too. It’s going to make you miserable mourning a life you might have had. You are in charge of your own happiness. Trite but true.

Ok. Firstly she does deserve better and it sounds like her dad put a lot of blame on her mother for not seeing her. This is extremely common and rarely true. He should have gone to the ends of the earth to seek more contact with his daughter and you shouldn’t have been in a relationship with a man who has children. Now the poor girl has had her life turned upside down. It’s no surprise that she’s not always pleasant to be around.
But, you can’t help how you feel. I don’t think it’s fair on you or her to just be waiting until she leaves for uni. It sounds like it’s best to move on.

OP, aren't you catastrophising a bit? I don't see why having a teen around means you have to give up absolutely everything you love about your life. Come on. She's not three. You say your life has been replaced by this new life, but that sounds like a mood disorder talking. Black and white thinking, everything's doom. Of course you can still do most of the fun things that you used to. Why wouldn't you? And why can't you relax at home because she's there? Her presence should not impinge on your enjoyment of your life. Frankly I think you should buck up a bit. Carve out time of your own and remember that she has lost her mum.

Poor you! Really sorry to hear how this very difficult situation is affecting you. Firstly, I’d like to point out that you are absolutely not failing as a stepmother (you have SDs’s testimony that she’s happier now living with you and her dad.) Nor is your marriage at risk- you wouldn’t be saying that your husband is amazing if it were! Secondly, almost all teenagers are pretty vile some or all of the time. It is absolutely normal behaviour- and in your SD’s case, the death of her mother is compounding the normal lazy, rude, selfish teenage behaviour. And it is not at all surprising that you don’t feel a bond with her. So please don’t think you are failing at all. I felt like you do a lot of the time when my kids were teenagers, and these were my own biological children! Happy to say they’ve all turned out fine.
I think it would be good for you to have something to look forward to: could you book lunches/evenings out with friends and/or with your husband ( sans SD)? Is there a relative who could take care of SD while you have a weekend away with your husband? It is not unfair or unreasonable for you to spend some time away from your SD. You need to take care of yourself as well as everyone else. And finally, remember that this is only for a relatively short time!! She will eventually grow up and appreciate what you are doing for her. My adult daughter said to me a few weeks ago that she had been a nightmare as a teen. My response was that I thought she had been pretty good, (but this was because she actually was good, compared to her brothers’ behaviour 😱😱 😂).

Wow! Some people on here are so quick to tell you to move out/end the marriage. It sounds like the marriage is fine.
You've had an absolutely massive upheaval in your life and you're allowed to have feelings about it without it diminishing your DSDs upheaval.
You mentioned that you and DH have spoken about you trying anti depressants for a while but have you actually spoken to your GP, they might be able to refer you for therapy too. When your mental health isnt what it ought to be everything seems bigger and worse. My advice, for what its worth, would be to book a GP appointment and revisit the situation after a month or 2 of anti depressants/ therapy have helped to stabilise you.
Also theres been some fab advice regarding making time for yourself - highly recommended.

You're mourning the loss of your old life but I'd say don't be too hasty. In another year, she'll be 17 and might want to go on holiday with friends or get a summer job. In other words, it'll surely only get better from now on and you might be glad one day that you stuck with it, even if it's just for your partner's sake. She says she's happy so you can't be failing.

We get lots of threads about bad mothers, mothers who regret having biological kids and mothers who walk out on their families.

It's tough dealing with your own difficult teenagers, so can appreciate it would be even tougher for a step parent with no bond.

At least OP is looking for a solution.

It would make more sense from the two adults' point of view, to try to make it work seeing as the SD will might be at uni or otherwise moving out in a few years.

Especially as she will probably leave her father's house in a couple of years then he'll be alone and so will OP (assuming they don't meet someone else quickly).

I really don't think medication is going to solve any problems. It is a lot to have someone else's annoying teenager in your house suddenly but at least she is happy with her new life and has made friends. At her age she is bound to be going out a fair bit with friends as time goes on, and there's no reason why you can't do more things on your own with friends to get out of the house. As time goes on it should get easier and hopefully you will find that you even like the stepdaughter sometimes. Don't put pressure on yourself to feel all maternal when you don't. And if some of her behaviour is unacceptable enlist the support of your husband to lay down some reasonable boundaries.

Teenagers can be horrible to live with. One suddenly being thrust at you, and a bereaved one at that, is even worse. She will be all over the place due to losing her mum, and I bet your husband is grieving too, as he obviously loved her at some time.

This is a horrific situation for all of you to contend with. If you're certain that divorcing your husband isn't an option (as that would be the easy way out!) then there are certainly things you can do.

She needs clear rules and boundaries, and consequences if these aren't followed. Young people need routine and discipline, and giving her these will help her settle into her new normal. Of course, it is your husband who needs to lead the way on this, as he is her parent. Rules like keeping things tidy, picking up after herself, and certain chores split between the three of you are essential. It might be tempting to do everything for her and treat her like a guest, particularly with what she's gone through, but this won't help her in the long term. If she's truly part of your family, she needs to pull her weight. She's certainly old enough to!

It's also important that she's getting the help she needs to deal with her new situation. This should include counselling, or at the very least regular meetings with someone she trusts, such as a favourite teacher. Family therapy would be hugely useful too, as a neutral party would help to separate feelings and help each of you understand how the other feels.

About having time to yourself, this might need to be planned. Have a think about what you enjoy doing, and then carve out time to do it. This could be reading, going to the gym/swimming, going for a coffee etc. She is old enough to stay at home on her own, so don't neglect time alone with your husband. Chances are she will appreciate some time on her own, too! Or, encourage her to take up a hobby. Joining a netball team, or a book group, or a gaming club, could get her some new friends, and get you some time to yourself.

Holidays are tricky, there's no real way around that at the moment. The only thing I can say is that it's not long until she's 18, so that's certainly not forever. Does your husband have family who she is comfortable with? Perhaps grandparents could keep an eye on her for the weekend while you get away in term time?

Generally, though, it really is only for a couple of years. Young people get much nicer as they get older and their lives start to take shape. Also, it's likely she will either go to university or enter full time employment - and no matter which of those it is, it automatically means you get A LOT more time to yourself, and for quality time with your husband. She will be old enough to stay home if you want to go on holiday, and as she matures you should find you have much more in common to talk about.

I really do feel for you, and it might not be the situation you planned. You've had some unhelpful and unkind replies on here. But I really do think it will be ok.

I have been in exactly the same situation and I really sympathise with you. I won't go into detail but I hated being in the house alone with my stepson. It did almost split us up. We managed to limo along until he left home but it was hard. Honestly of you could afford to move out for awhile to give yourself some space, I would. I wish I had.