Childfree step mother failing as a step-parent and worried about my marriage.

[FloralGreen]

I have no children. My husband has a daughter but her mother had moved away for work when the child was very young some years earlier so when we got together, contact with my stepdaughter did occur but was fairly minimal on my part. I found her a challenge to be around - usual complaints I see about kids - she was rude, spoilt, entitled, demanding - I did try but she was a difficult kid.

My husband and I have tried for children but it didn't happen for us. We instead have had a lot of freedom to just do what we want most of the time and to really enjoy life. I have been so happy with my husband and the life we had together. He has always kept in contact with his daughter but due to distance and, no doubt her mother in her ear, she has been reducing contact as she'a got a bit older and secretly and selfishly, I've been quite relieved.

However, everything changed after my stepdaughter's mother died and she moved in with us full-time. We've done our best to settle her and help her adjust, counselling, found her social groups etc. And she has settled and tells us and others that she's happier living where she lives now.

The problem is me because I have never been so unhappy and miserable and just generally hopeless and deflated. I absolutely hate my life now. Everything that was fun and good has gone. Every aspect of my life has changed for the worse due to having a teenager in the house. I miss my independence, my happiness, the weekends away, even just chilling on the sofa without having a child around. She's rude, messy, lazy - all the things people say their kids are like but I am really struggling because she is not my child and I have no love bond with her so I just feel like I have this rude person in my house messing it up, eating all the food, and stopping me doing things I used to do. Even things like going on holiday - we can't go out of term-time now so it's either pay a lot more money, go somewhere not as nice, or just not going anywhere. And, I know parents face this challenge all the time but she's not my kid.

I know I sound horrible - I really feel horrible too! - but I'm feeling so resentful and struggling with the situation. My husband is amazing and so supportive but I'm not coping well with losing the life I loved and having it replaced with just misery and sadness for a kid who isn't mine.

Does anyone have any tips? Or, has anyone been in a similar situation and had to leave? It's devastating me to be in this situation and obviously I knew my husband had a kid when we married but nothing could have prepared me for this and just how awful life would become. We have about two years until she hopefully goes to uni and I thought I could cope but as the months have gone on, I feel even worse and think I'm just about at breaking point.

Just to add that I do feel my stepdaughter deserves better than me. I've tried but I can't switch on maternal feelings or love.

@shuggles Calm yourself down. Nobody says step children aren't intrinsically worthy or don't deserve to be loved! Ffs!

Give your head a wobble! It's natural for almost everyone on the planet to be more bonded with their own biological child.

I really feel for you. You do sound like you're struggling, and you sound depressed. Can I suggest you speak to someone professional about your feelings. If nothing else, to make sure you are making the right decision, what ever that decision ends up being. A therapist or counsellor can help you get your thoughts and feelings straight.

I think you need regular counselling yourself so you have an outlet and someone that can maybe give you some coping tools.

in the meantime, two years is not eternity. Is there anything you can do for yourself over two years that is yours and yours alone that makes you feel good? A course, travel/holidays with friends, regular treatments, hobbied, every two weeks by yourself hiking with friends? I realised you did stuff with your husband, and miss the freedom of spontaneity and your space being your own. This is about what you can do for yourself in two years. Plan things out over the two years then normal life will resume. In the grand scheme of how long you have been married and how long you will live your life with your husband two years is a small percentage of that time

@EarthSight It's natural for almost everyone on the planet to be more bonded with their own biological child.

That implies that children which are not yours are worth less as people.

This bit is temporary, but could be longer than two years if she needs three years of sixth form / takes a gap year etc. Also bear in mind that many people leaving uni are moving back in with parents for a number of years afterwards to save for a deposit/ because rents are so high.

There's a good reason to think about moving to a bigger / differently configured house to give everybody a bit more space / privacy.

With time you should reach the point of being comfortable in each other's company - sitting on the sofa chilling together. Being together but not necessarily talking much.

If she's eating all the food: are you buying enough food for three people, bearing in mind teenagers often eat a bit more than adults? You can have rules about not eating ingredients needed for dinners and about understanding the allocation of chocolate/ snacks and what food is reserved for packed lunches so long as there's always some food everybody is allowed to eat.

Bereavement support via Cruse / Winston's Wish is likely to be useful in addition to any support at school.

She may well be happy to be left at home by herself while you and your husband have term time weekends away and/or she may want to visit other relatives or friends.

This wasn't what you wanted but you are now where you are. Counselling might be useful. Medication is worth discussing with your GP - it might help and it's not wrong to try it.

I think that what the OP describes- her and her DH living the life of freedom as he never had to step up and parent his own child properly and fully. It all or mostly fell on the now deceased mother.

I'm sorry that they have had their lives upended. Cry me a river. They need to think of this poor vulnerable bereaved teen who has suddenly ended up in a household where she feels unwelcome and feels that way because she is.

OP, I think you need to be very wary of the idea that the situation is only for two years. Firstly, “only” two years is an incredibly long time to hate your life to this extent. It will show to your husband and step-daughter and that’s not fair on any of you. Secondly, many teenagers don’t go to uni and those who do come back. I’d be assuming she’ll live with you until she’s 23ish so that’s more like 8 years.

I’d try counselling first but accept that this may be the end of your marriage. When you can’t have children but have to live with someone else’s that would be too much for lots of people.

I agree

Excellent post

Maybe this will sound flippant but Get a Puppy. You don’t love each other so you need either a pet or a hobby that you both love & can bond over.

Don’t give up on your marriage yet.

No, it doesn't. Just because something is natural (because of reproductive instinct), doesn't mean that is a value judgement on the worthiness of other children. Jesus. This is an evening of smooth brains on the internet, clearly!

I agree. OP you can throw a little internal tantrum that your life has been upended. But you are going to have to find a way to deal with it for the sake of your marriage.

There seems to be a few misguided posters who are telling you that you must love the child. This is unreasonable but you are the adult here and you do need to provide a safe space for her in your home. The love you do know though is that for your husband and by supporting him through this should be your role here, you know, because you have chosen to love him.

“I came into the relationship as just someone on the sidelines. I've only ever been her dad's partner and that suited all of us. And I reached out for advice because all of a sudden I'm a full-time stepmother and I am struggling.”

@FloralGreen - I’m sorry, I was harsh in how i put things. However, i do think talking about leaving your husband (so you add to her burden by making her the reason your marriage broke down) or putting pressure on your husband by offering to drug yourself for 2 years so you can bear having his daughter living with you: those aren’t the reactions of a loving wife or caring stepmum. This young girl has been through much. You’ve been first for so long. Do you really not have it in you to put yourself second for the next few years? She’s already 16. She’ll probably be off to uni in a few short years. This time will flash past. Do you really want to break a happy marriage over this?

Other posters have made suggestions for how you might relate to her. Be quietly there for her; have low expectations of what she can give you right now. Imagine she is a wounded animal who needs to build trust with you. Have therapy. A friend of my husband’s was in a similar position of suddenly becoming full-time stepdad to a teenage boy. It never occurred to him to step down and walk away. He dealt with his feelings by regular therapy. They got through the difficult time. It’s now ancient history.

How old is she? You could just look at it that the life you had is on hold as horrible and frustrating as it is. But only got 3-4 years and then once she is 18 get the life back. Also make ok. To get her own accommodation and then you can get your home back.

That's not really helpful is it. She isn't objecting to her husband being a father but in fairness she never expected her stepdaughter living with her and that is an altogether different proposition.

She knows this is her (and her husbands problem), she is asking for help, to try and turn it around,

and to follow on… there are worse things that could disrupt your life together than his child. For example you would really have to look at some lifestyle changes if one of you were to become terminally ill.

in that light, a child, is probably a blessing.

supporting him through this would probably falls under the ‘for better or worse’ category of your vows …

I'm really not sure how not loving a child means you think they don't deserve love or that they're worth less?

That is the case for almost every parent.

OP, just swinging by to say you absolutely can leave your DH if that’s what you decide you want to do, ignore the emotional blackmail basically saying you don’t count as a sentient being.

I wouldn’t also bank on it being a couple of years. Much less young people move away for uni these days. And if they do, they often come back again at the end.

Therapy as neutral person for you to talk to may be of immediate use to help you reach a decision.

@FloralGreen I’m really sorry you’re feeling like this — it comes through so clearly that you’re trying, and that you’re drowning rather than “failing”. What you’re describing is an enormous life change that you didn’t choose, didn’t expect, and weren’t prepared for. Anyone would struggle in your shoes.

You’ve had your entire lifestyle turned upside down overnight: your home dynamic, your marriage, your freedom, your routines, even the way you spend weekends and holidays. That’s a huge amount of loss to absorb, and you’re doing it while supporting a bereaved teenager who is understandably taking up a lot of emotional space. That’s not a small thing. It’s not a moral failing to find it hard, it’s human.

A lot of parents cope with the mess, attitude and restrictions because they have that deep bond that makes it bearable. You’re trying to parent without that emotional buffer, and that’s an incredibly heavy lift. It doesn’t make you cold or uncaring, it just means you’re operating without the protective layer that biological parents have.

It also sounds like you’re grieving the life you had before, and that grief is valid. You didn’t sign up for full‑time parenting of a bereaved teen, and you’re allowed to acknowledge that this is not the life you thought you were building. That doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you honest.

I think the key thing is that you need support too. Your husband may be wonderful, but you’ve lost a lot and you need space to talk about that without guilt. Counselling for you, not just for your stepdaughter, might give you somewhere to process the resentment and sadness safely.

And you absolutely need protected time with your husband where you’re not “on duty”. That’s not selfish; it’s essential if your marriage is going to survive this transition. It sounds like you can talk to him. If she is 16, weekends and an odd weekend away should not be impossible, are there any grandparents on the scene who could help occasionally to give you adult time.

Two years is a long time when you’re miserable, but it doesn’t have to stay like this. You’re not doomed to feel this way forever. With boundaries, support, and some honest conversations about what you need, things can become more manageable.

Please be kind to yourself. You’re not failing her. You’re trying to parent in a situation that would break many people, and you deserve compassion, not criticism. I think you also expect too much of yourself, you aren't going to morph into Mary Poppins or Nanny McPhee, they are entertaining works of fiction!

This actually isn’t a bad idea - maybe a kitten though, it’s less work! Something for you to focus on/talk about and look after together?

She is thinking of her stepdaughter, its clear in everything she says she understands the stepdaughter comes first - she needs support not dragging down, she is asking for help.

@Platypus7 Although that then gives the OP another responsibility and impediment to her freedom, which may not be what she wants right now.

I say this a dog owner as obviously we always have to consider his needs when we go out/travel, etc.

I don't have the answer but just wanted you to know i empathise with your situation.
This was one of my biggest worries when my husband's daughter was dependent, from a sweet child she morphed into a carbon copy of her nasty mother and i felt exactly the same as you when she stayed- anyone who is not a stepparent has no idea how awful you can sometimes be made to feel in your own home.
Your own teenagers can be hard going but when its some one else's teenager...
All those criticising you are being very unfair you are human and your worries and complaints are justified even if others can't understand why.
You cannot just switch love on, it doesn't work that way but you can feel all the things you're feeling at the same time as feeling sympathy and empathy for the bereaved child .
I hope your very difficult situation works out for you all.

I dont understand how people are saying suck it up for two years, some "kids" still live at home at 40.