Childfree step mother failing as a step-parent and worried about my marriage.

[FloralGreen]

I have no children. My husband has a daughter but her mother had moved away for work when the child was very young some years earlier so when we got together, contact with my stepdaughter did occur but was fairly minimal on my part. I found her a challenge to be around - usual complaints I see about kids - she was rude, spoilt, entitled, demanding - I did try but she was a difficult kid.

My husband and I have tried for children but it didn't happen for us. We instead have had a lot of freedom to just do what we want most of the time and to really enjoy life. I have been so happy with my husband and the life we had together. He has always kept in contact with his daughter but due to distance and, no doubt her mother in her ear, she has been reducing contact as she'a got a bit older and secretly and selfishly, I've been quite relieved.

However, everything changed after my stepdaughter's mother died and she moved in with us full-time. We've done our best to settle her and help her adjust, counselling, found her social groups etc. And she has settled and tells us and others that she's happier living where she lives now.

The problem is me because I have never been so unhappy and miserable and just generally hopeless and deflated. I absolutely hate my life now. Everything that was fun and good has gone. Every aspect of my life has changed for the worse due to having a teenager in the house. I miss my independence, my happiness, the weekends away, even just chilling on the sofa without having a child around. She's rude, messy, lazy - all the things people say their kids are like but I am really struggling because she is not my child and I have no love bond with her so I just feel like I have this rude person in my house messing it up, eating all the food, and stopping me doing things I used to do. Even things like going on holiday - we can't go out of term-time now so it's either pay a lot more money, go somewhere not as nice, or just not going anywhere. And, I know parents face this challenge all the time but she's not my kid.

I know I sound horrible - I really feel horrible too! - but I'm feeling so resentful and struggling with the situation. My husband is amazing and so supportive but I'm not coping well with losing the life I loved and having it replaced with just misery and sadness for a kid who isn't mine.

Does anyone have any tips? Or, has anyone been in a similar situation and had to leave? It's devastating me to be in this situation and obviously I knew my husband had a kid when we married but nothing could have prepared me for this and just how awful life would become. We have about two years until she hopefully goes to uni and I thought I could cope but as the months have gone on, I feel even worse and think I'm just about at breaking point.

Just to add that I do feel my stepdaughter deserves better than me. I've tried but I can't switch on maternal feelings or love.

Before doing anything drastic- go get some therapy. When people have a baby, they are advised not to make any drastic changes in the first year due to the upheaval kids bring. I’d suggest the same here.

Longterm, it doesn’t sound like you and your partners life is going to work out anymore. His daughter may have kids and then there’s expectations of grandkids and all the stuff with that. Your husband needs to focus on his motherless child and the challenges life can bring.

Why is everyone saying hang on til she's 18 and goes to university- students have to come home in the very long holidays!

A bereaved teen is going to be possibly more clingy and need more emotional support than other teens, not all teens are out all night and quite self-sufficient, I have recently supported a teen who lost her mum and she's struggling at university, it's quite reasonable to think this girl is the family now, and in the family unit, and work from that premise outwards.

I don't know the answer, I think going away for a week or two by yourself to think things through as someone else suggested is a starting point.

I was also about to suggest you try to get away on your own or with a friend for a weekend, a few days, even a week if you can. It will be something to look forward to.
And it may not be long before your SDD wants to get away with her friends as kids do in their late teens. A girls’ holiday to Ibiza or similar — and you can encourage her to go with a clear conscience!

I think you should leave. This is really sad.

My exH only sees our son once a month (he walked out when he was a baby for OW, and still with her six years on). I dread something like this happening for my son if anything ever happened to me.

Why are women marrying men who have children, and then acting like it’s a completely unforeseen event that those men may one day have to be real parents? The child is not just an entertaining accessory for a couple of days a month. I get her mum’s death was unexpected but the fact you both apparently never planned for the fact she may want to live with you full-time for any other reason (uni close by, falling out with her mum etc) is so bizarre and honestly irresponsible.

Before having dc, I wouldn’t have dreamt of dating a single dad. They were simply not an option in my dating pool. Because I know I would feel the same as you do now.

Rather hypocritical as I’m a single mum now but I wouldn’t expect a childfree man to be interested in being in a relationship with me.

I hold my hands up. I'm not a step parent so I have no idea what you're going through, but I really feel like you need to cut yourself some slack.

Your step daughter says she is happy living with you and her dad. That's pretty huge considering what she's been through.

Ultimately this is the main thing as she is a child and has no control over her life and experienced a bereavement that no one would ever want to experience.

The way I see it, is you don't have to love her. Your role is to just accept her into your lives and provide a guardianship role. Her dad is her parent. It's his job to love her. Your role as a minimum is to just facilitate him providing a physically and emotionally safe space for her to live in, which sounds like you're doing. As long as you allow her dad to get on with parenting her, your relationship with her won't have a negative impact on her.

The fact that you are beating yourself up so much means you clearly care. Caring about someones wellbeing and providing a safe space for them is way more than a lot of biological parents manage so please give yourself some credit.

As for this being a period in your life you are not enjoying, that is fair enough. Life has a habit of doing that. Life has a habit of sending curve balls. And life can't always be how you want it to be. If anything this period can just be a reminder of how you want your life to be and to appreciate how it was and appreciate it when it returns.

Just try and remember this is just temporary. Your step daughter will most probably move out In a couple of years and then your life will go back to how it was. In the mean time as people suggest, seek counselling so you have an outlet for your feelings, go on holiday with friends, find other people to do the things you would do with your husband whilst he is needed elsewhere.

A lot can happen in 2 years. You never know, by the time she moves out you and her may have developed a friendship and you might actually miss her. X

Firstly you say, I don't feel maternal, why should you, your not her mother. The least you could do is try to be a friend to her, maybe try talking to her as a friend. Say, I know I'm not your mom, I never will be, but if you want to talk we can talk as friends or if I can help in any way, we have your dad that we both love. She won't be with you for ever, she will get a partner and live her own life. You can then do whatever you want to do again. I feel sorry for her because she probably knows you don't even like her.but you can like someone without loving them. You do sound very selfish and knew he had a daughter when you married him. What happened to for better or worse? If your husband became ill and couldn't go on holiday etc., would you divorce him??

This - you sound very selfish, you lost your fun life for a while, she lost her DM.
You say in a couple of years she will be going to uni so you will get your old life back, count your blessings you have a lovely husband instead of being .miserable.
How do you think that people with a disabled child or wife who husband left for a younger woman feel ? Life is not always fun and doesn't always turn out as we want. In years to come she may turn out to be a good friend to you

Therapy / counselling for you, yes go to the GP for that prescription you are debating. Find some hobbies and agree set times with your husband each week you can do them. Get out of the house more - even to the cinema alone. Meet your friends more often, confide where you can.Try to see you have more control than you think and this is truly not the end of the world.

OP kindly I think you need to reframe your mind.
You are very focused on the negatives, spiralling down and how awful your life is and crying all the time.

There ain’t anything you have described that is that bad. You are choosing to only see the awful and negative.

You aren’t a passenger in your own life. Take back some control and work on doing things that make you happy. Focus on good and positive. I don’t mean that to sound trite but changing your mind set with help enormously.

Yes, throw away that great relationship with your husband for the sake of his daughter who will be gone in 2 years to uni 🙄

I can't understand why you are getting such an outpouring of sympathy on this thread. You describe all your independence and joy as having been ruined by your stepdaughter moving in but she is 16 and has a father who you claim is a good parent. That means there is nothing stopping you going out and living a full and independent life, and frankly little stopping him from accompanying you for some of it (holidays would be a step too far but regular evenings out don't seem hard). Messy and lazy for a teenager is both normal and solvable by (a) her father raising his expectations of her and (b) getting in a cleaner if you can afford it. If she is genuinely unusually rude to you - for example screaming or swearing at you, being constantly hostile, etc - you and her father need to lay down the law. But frankly nothing you have said implies that - and if she is just a bit dismissive and inconsiderate - then roll with it and get a thicker skin (she will get a lot better anyway in the next couple of years). All in all - when you marry someone ideally you are in it for better or worse - i.e. life threatening or long-term sickness, mental illness, disability, depression, job loss, poverty, pandemic, war etc. By comparison, surely you can cope with a couple of years of more restricted holiday choices and a bit of mess in your home if you love your husband and have even the most limited reserves of resilience.

Not bullying other kids? That's the bare minimum if you ask me. Losing your mum doesn't give you a free pass to be cruel to others. (And OP said she was exhibiting such behaviour before her mum died.) I was on the recieving end of bullying as a teenager, it's left lifelong scars (literally and figuratively.) I don't know how anyone can excuse it.

I had a step mother in my teens. I didn’t live with my DF and SM full time, but life was difficult. I would say the best way to deal with this is to try get one on one time with her. Go to the cinema. For a meal. To a Spa. Shopping trip. I bet she’s yearning for a female role model in her life, someone to guide her, chat with her and be someone she can come to when she has stuff she doesn’t want to discuss with dad. There’s really nothing people can say to you to change the situation of her being with you both and sharing your space, because there’s nothing you can do. Your dsd is here to stay, and your dh is obviously not going to throw her out, so you need to find a way of coping with the situation for the next few years.

I think the best thing you could possibly do, for the happiest long term outcome all round, is to put your game face on and plough on for the next few years.
Because if you don't, everyone loses. You lose a good marriage and your step daughter will live with her fathers unhappiness and possibly blame herself.
Life isn't always a bed of roses. This is your tough patch. But it will pass quicker than you think and you could have much to look forward to if you hold the line now.
There's things you can do to help you get through, doing activities of your own, taking space for yourself. Getting out with your husband when you can, and coming to an acceptance of this temporary state of affairs while keeping the long game in mind.

We've only got the OPs word for that though and she's a grown woman who is sobbing every time she has a shower and crying when she wakes up because she has lost her 'freedom as her husband's almost adult daughter (who she knew he had before marrying him) is having to live with her Dad after her mother died.

I imagine the little contact she had with her Dad before her Mum's death, knowing he was having so much fun with his wife, may well have effected the way she views herself, and therefore her behaviour, whether it was her 'choice' or not.

Im not sure I would like having a random teenager move in either! And I’m someone who likes children (I work as a nanny!) it would be a big unexpected change!

im not sure divorce is what i would chose but maybe if you are this unhappy could moving out, and dating your husband be a stop gap for a few years? I know that’s financially a tall order (my partner and I couldn’t afford a flat on top of our mortgage), but could that be an option? I’m not sure that would solve it for you either as you talk about loving the life you had together, and your husband is still going to have to parent (still can’t travel outside of school holidays ect, will need to be home for his child). Could you make a list about what you miss most/ what’s most important and see if you can brainstorm ways to make some of those happen?

have you any interest in taking a job that provides accommodation and could be a bit of an adventure? Postie in Antartica, live in inn keeper on the Scottish Isles? Would your work give you a Sabbatical?

crying in the shower every day is certainly a sign of significant unhappiness so it might be worth chatting to your GP and maybe doing some counselling sessions (could be worth going private) for your own clarity about your options and what you could do.

I hear you OP. My partner has 2 kids and I don’t really like them, particularly the older one. They are rude, spoiled, ungrateful and have terrible manners - for some reason no one has taught an 11 and 14 year old to close their mouths when eating. I don’t enjoy spending time with them and it’s stopping me moving in with my partner, although he doesn’t know this is the reason. I’m afraid I have no advice but can sympathise.

How long is it since her mum died? When did she move in with you? Your whole life has been turned upside down, obviously you can't be expected to love it, especially in the early stages. However, if you love this man and loved your life before you're going to have to find a way to get through the next couple of years. Do you have any hobbies you can work on? Something you always wanted to do eg join a running club/open water swimming club, where you can make new friends and get out of the house? Instigate an earlier bedtime for yourself and DH so you get more alone time?
If you're crying in the shower every day do you need some therapy yourself?

I really sympathise, OP. I’m a stepmother and came along when DSC was 11, with much more contact than you have had with your husband’s daughter. I went from having no children to having one half of the time.

Being a step parent is tough. The time will go quicker than you think, but in the meantime are there things you can do to protect your mental health? Go away for the weekend doing a hobby you enjoy, do things in the evening that have previously made you happy, and - crucially - let things go. Life for a while won’t be what you want it to be. That’s something you need to come to terms with. Accepting it and not hankering for what you’re missing might reframe this for you. Get her to help you cook, take this time to pass on all your wisdom. Think about what you’d have wanted to do with your own teenager had you had one, then come up with a plan to do those things together.

Also, agree with your husband about how messy you’ll allow your house to be, then hold the line as a couple. You can’t maintain the same standards as you had before but you can move your boundaries slightly then communicate them to her with consequences. The other thing that helped me was a parenting course - check out Family Links. That helped me to understand my DSC more and build resilience, confidence and boundary setting. Good luck, OP. You can do this.

Awww bless you.
I can't imagine anything worse than having a teenager living in my house full time - maybe a toddler?

But no, of course you don't need to leave. You just need to change your life a bit to go out and about in the week and at weekends, so she doesn't drive you nuts quite so much. Let hubbie do all the parenting and you just be as you were.

If it's only 2 years until uni, she must be 16, so you can certainly have weekends away without her - if you think she won't trash the house.
Are there grandparents, aunts, uncles who can have her to stay for a few days so you and hubbie can get away sometimes?

And absolutely go and see your GP. Have a chat to them and see what they recommend. Maybe antidepressants. Maybe counselling.

best of luck to you.

Doing the right thing isn’t the same as doing right by yourself. You married a man with a child, the right thing to do is own that decision and step up and grow as a person and learn to adapt. Or back down and admit marrying a man with a child was a bad decision and admit that you’ve been very naive.

THIS

Are you a stepparent yourself?

Why is everyone saying hang on til she's 18 and goes to university- students have to come home in the very long holidays!

This.

It's not just the next two years OP. It's a lifelong situation that will never "go away".

Your DSD may not go to uni. If she does, the terms are short. Students are often home for 6 months of the year. Many return to live in the family home when they start work.

If she doesn't go to uni (less than 50% of young people do), she will be living at home for the foreseeable.

Many young adults live with parents well into their 20s now due to the cost of housing.

She will have ups and downs during her adult life, as everyone does. She will no doubt turn to her only living parent for help and support for decades to come.

She may have her own children, and your DH will be her children's only maternal grandparent. He may be very involved.

There is no real "end" in sight.
Going on antidepressants "for two years" is no solution here.

Therapy would be a good first step - a safe place where you can talk freely about this huge and overwhelming change in your life which you are understandably struggling with, so that you can figure out a way forward.

All the best.