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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Holidays

508 replies

HotChocolateLover · 07/08/2019 17:19

Firstly, this is all hypothetical. I only want genuine opinions as neither DH or I know what is the right answer.

I have one DS from a previous marriage, he has a DS and DD. We have done holidays the last three years including all three, one UK based and 2 foreign. This year is a ‘staycation’ as buying a house last year completely wiped us out.

Right, so next year, the ex is considering taking DSS and DSD abroad. This would mean that if only DH, DS and I went abroad together then our holiday bill would reduce by 40%. Everyone would get a holiday and surely that’s ok? We’re just agonising over it in case the step-kids think that their dad (my DH) is picking my son over them. But if their mum is taking them away then we will have the money to go away so why should we sit at home? We can’t really afford £5-6k for a week 🤦‍♀️ I just don’t want to offend anyone. Oh and by the way, my son’s dad had never taken him anywhere, never will and doesn’t even pay maintenance.

OP posts:
sleepismysuperpower1 · 07/08/2019 17:27

could you go at the same time as your step kids so that you are all back at the same time, have all had a holiday etc? that way it wont feel like your dh is picking your son over your step children x

Original poster
HotChocolateLover · 07/08/2019 17:31

That’s a good idea, hadn’t thought of that. I just want everyone to be happy.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 07/08/2019 19:25

During a heated recent step parent thread, there was a concensus that all children should be treated the same, ie. All disciplined the same, same rules, no preferential treatment. This would include holidays and that if you take one, you take all. The fact that they also get to go with their mum is irrelevant to your household. Or would you agree that as they already get strict rules at their mum for instance, it's fair to let them get away with things when they stay with you that you wouldn't let your son get away with?

ChocolateTea · 07/08/2019 19:32

Try and go at the same time. My exH goes on holiday with my boys every other year, just his fiance and daughter the alternate, they struggle to afford for all 5 of them. He still has them for a week in the summer, just not neccesarily going away.

DP and I go just the two of us, or we include my DSS as well as my two DS. We haven't ever gone on holiday just DP, me and two DS, but that's not saying we wouldn't. DSS has been on a fair few abroad holidays with his mum, and dad in the past, mine haven't even got passports.

TheChain · 07/08/2019 19:38

The fact that they also get to go with their mum is irrelevant to your household

I disagree with this. I don’t think it’s fair that 2 children of the household get an abroad and the resident child doesn’t get a holiday because it would be “unfair” on the other children who have already had that luxury.

Equality and treating everyone fairly does not necessarily equate to treating everyone exactly the same. My stepkids have already had a week abroad with mum and mum’s partner (who incidentally didn’t take his own two sons) and will also be having 3 weeks away again later in the year.

DP and I cannot afford to take his kids on holiday this year... I’m paying for my children and myself to go away and DP has chosen to come with us (he has been able to get a very cheap flight).
I do not feel there is even one iota of unfairness in this situation and I think it would be ridiculous to insinuate we shouldn’t be going.

Thunderblunder · 07/08/2019 19:52

From the age of 13 I used to go abroad on holiday every year with my mum.
My dad, his wife and her children where never able to go away as there was 6 of them in total.
When I was 16 they were able to go away in this country but because I had been abroad with my mum that year they didn’t take me.
It didn’t matter to me that I had already been away with my mum. All that mattered was that my dad went away with somebody else and their children and I hadn’t been able to go away with my dad who was my other parent.

lunar1 · 07/08/2019 20:16

It's not The abroad aspect that bothers many children, it's that their parent is going away with other children. At least that was how I felt when my dad went with my step sister and not me and my brother.

How would you feel if it was your child being left behind while you went away with your step children? How would your child feel if the four of you went away leaving them behind?

hsegfiugseskufh · 07/08/2019 20:20

Agree with everything thechain says

We are away with dss and ds this week.

Dss went away with his mum earlier in the year and we will take ds away later in the year on his own.

Everyones had 2 holidays. Its not about choosing one child over another.

If we didnt take ds away on his own hed have 1 hol and dss would have 2 but i bet nobody would say thats unfair on ds!

Everytimeref · 07/08/2019 20:25

We took the SDC abroad twice in 10 years and have had holidays abroad 4 times with my DD. The SDC have had a 2 week holiday abroad with their mum every year. We don't feel at all guilty that we have had holidays abroad without them because their mum decided when to go 12months in advance and usually takes advantage of the best dates so we can't afford/or their holiday with mum clashes with our availability.

Spanglyprincess1 · 07/08/2019 20:42

Your going to get many conflicting views on this. Go. The same time as their mom is away

Keykeche · 07/08/2019 20:49

I can only tell what is going on in our family.

I have two boys from first marriage, DH has a son, we have together a girl.

Both exes take kids on regular holidays. So boys are with their dad and SS is with his mum.

While on those, we once took baby with us away (just us 3), while other kids were on holidays with other parents.

I once took my bio kids (3 of them) on a mummy and kids break, and once took two eldest on a weekend break.
DH once took his son on a mini break. Plus every month he goes to where SS lives for a week and rents a hotel there, so kinda feels like a holiday anyways and he also spends holidays with us at our place.

BUT we would not take just mine two and a baby or a baby and SS but not other two on a JOINT family holiday, where both me and DH is present.
I think it would be highly unfair. Even if it means not going anywhere together - we also can’t afford / can’t justify spending 7-8K for two weeks AllInc (I refuse to go with 4 kids to a self catering place, it’s not a holiday for me then, just more work in the worse accommodation).

I would suggest that just you and your DH go away together, if you can leave your son with someone. Our kids from the early childhood were told that mummy and daddy need adult time, and none gets upset if we do it.

But, NO. I would not go on a holiday with your kid and not your step kids.

ArfArfBarf · 07/08/2019 20:50

Doesn’t your dh want to go on holiday with his kids this year? Could you imagine choosing to go on holiday with his kids but not your Ds?

I love a child free holiday - but I couldn’t imagine choosing to go on holiday with someone else’s child without mine.

TheChain · 07/08/2019 23:13

Could you imagine choosing to go on holiday with his kids but not your Ds?
If my kids were already on holiday without me I can honestly say I would have no problem going away with DP and SCs.

stuffedpeppers · 07/08/2019 23:23

I take my DCS on holiday every year to see my family.

Ex ahs not takne them on holiday since we split 5 yr ago. Last year, he phoned them to let them know he was in the States seeing his brother ( DCS love him) and had taken their half brother and steps.

It quite frankly did not matter that they were on holiday, they were distraught that Dad did not care enough about them to take them away as well. Doing it at the same time as me being away ( 15 months advance notice) they knew was an excuse.

So to all those SMs and DFs who feel no guilt leaving the step kids behind and only taking one set of kids - you know it is unfair but your vociferous defence of your actions just shows you are not comfortable with the situation.

The step kids on here are telling oyu how it feels - but bugger their feelings as ong as the parents feel fine - who gives a shit!!

TheChain · 07/08/2019 23:42

The step kids on here are telling oyu how it feels - but bugger their feelings as ong as the parents feel fine - who gives a shit!!

What about the resident children who don’t get to go on holiday with their parent(s) but hear consistently about holidays their half/step siblings have had with their mum and (step)dad?
Or do their feelings not count because they’re not as important?

TheChain · 07/08/2019 23:46

I’m sure there’s plenty of upset “second family” children who resented their half siblings for having holidays whilst they didn’t... in fact I know of a few personally.
My friend and I were discussing this only recently, how it made her feel when her stepsisters had abroad holidays every year and she never did as a child because they couldn’t afford to take all the kids.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/08/2019 07:10

We have three kids between us and don't always take them all at the same time. It depends on what else is going on that year. Don't feel guilty about doing what's right for you if the other step kid is still getting a holiday anyway.

Like someone has already said though, you will get many differing views on this.

Spanglyprincess1 · 08/08/2019 07:30

Earlier post, Vicious first wife much? Seriously as long as you try to be fair then it's fine.
Dsc get loads of holidays one with us, one with grandparents n one exw. Our joint child gets the same amount dp comes sometimed n sometimes he doesn't. Dp exw goes away with just her partner so what's the difference? Our joint child is a baby so far easier to take away as free!!

Spanglyprincess1 · 08/08/2019 07:31

(aimed at stuffed Peppers obviously)

Sotiredofthislife · 08/08/2019 09:16

If we didnt take ds away on his own hed have 1 hol and dss would have 2 but i bet nobody would say thats unfair on ds!

But ds and dss have different parents with different financial circumstances so would, surely, not expect to live exactly the same life? Would you try and even up the score when the next door neighbour had a holiday or a best friend?

I can see how it can be upsetting for a child but I do think the tit for tat thing doesn’t teach them about different situations, responsibilities and above all, the fact that a lot of the time, life simply isn’t fair. Put another way, if the ex wife couldn’t afford a holiday would you not bother because it meant the children didn’t get the same experience with both parents, or would you say tough, and go anyway?

Sotiredofthislife · 08/08/2019 09:18

Vicious first wife much?

What is vicious about that post?

Teddybear45 · 08/08/2019 09:27

Your DS is yours. His DS are his. If you aren’t going to try to treat them fairly then there’s no point in this relationship. Book a smaller UK holiday, or save longer, to take all 3 together; or you go with your DS by yourself. It’s your DS’ bad luck his dad doesn’t get involved but, to be frank, he needs to get used to the inequalities as they will only get more pronounced as he gets older with inheritances etc.

TheChain · 08/08/2019 09:33

he needs to get used to the inequalities as they will only get more pronounced as he gets older with inheritances etc
Why does this only apply to children not of her DH’s? DSS also has other parents, he has a mother who isn’t the OP.

I don’t disagree with the notion kids should be treated fairly but that’s not what’s happening here... it’s only considered fair if her husband’s children from his first relationship are included in everything but the same logic doesn’t apply to the OP’s children who are a different family unit too.

Beamur · 08/08/2019 09:36

We always took DSC's on holiday with us and DD. Even if they'd been on holiday with their Mum too.
It wasn't so much about fairness as both sets of parents wanting to have a holiday with their kids.

Sotiredofthislife · 08/08/2019 09:49

it’s only considered fair if her husband’s children from his first relationship are included in everything but the same logic doesn’t apply to the OP’s children who are a different family unit too

Either you’re a blended family or you’re not. Dad is included in both family units, even if he only lives with one. I’m not sure it’s hard to understand how it might feel as a child to see your dad and half sibling and step sibling s go away on holiday without you. If the OP were to go away with her own children, fair enough, it’s the inclusion of her partner in the holiday making them a family unit that muddies the waters. Don’t get me wrong, I can see why a blended family might make the choice to leave out non-resident children who are away anyway, but at least acknowledge that it’s not a fair way of going about things. You are trying to make it better by counting holidays had by each child but what really matters to the non-resident children is that they are included as part of the blended family. Having a holiday without them suggests they really aren’t.

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