Holidays

[HotChocolateLover]

Firstly, this is all hypothetical. I only want genuine opinions as neither DH or I know what is the right answer.

I have one DS from a previous marriage, he has a DS and DD. We have done holidays the last three years including all three, one UK based and 2 foreign. This year is a ‘staycation’ as buying a house last year completely wiped us out.

Right, so next year, the ex is considering taking DSS and DSD abroad. This would mean that if only DH, DS and I went abroad together then our holiday bill would reduce by 40%. Everyone would get a holiday and surely that’s ok? We’re just agonising over it in case the step-kids think that their dad (my DH) is picking my son over them. But if their mum is taking them away then we will have the money to go away so why should we sit at home? We can’t really afford £5-6k for a week 🤦‍♀️ I just don’t want to offend anyone. Oh and by the way, my son’s dad had never taken him anywhere, never will and doesn’t even pay maintenance.

*So you have a partner you live with and a partner you don’t live with.
Your live in partner has a girlfriend who lives elsewhere with her wife.

I’m just so confused right now*  I must have read that wrong somewhere.

I am really old now but perhaps someone remembers a sitcom called 'Soap' .. with Roseanne Barr .. just saying ...

@Kewlwife

Do I have to spell it out? Polyamory comes with an inherently different set of boundaries and a comfortableness with our partner's being involved with other people (specific, yes I know), and a lack of need for them to be committed to only us.

Obviously painting an exes wall doesn't go against this. Some of your other suggestions do.

And I still take offence at the suggestion that people who don't want to play happy families with their ex or partner's ex above and beyond practical discussion of the children are petty.

What suggestions specifically? Where have I said they should be sexually intimate or share a romantic dinner? Or hold hands? Or anything you wouldn't do with a friend?

How far does monogamy extend for you? Obviously to the point that you can improve your kids living conditions in the resident home in case the ex likes the paint colour too much.

Can't*

@Kewlwife

*What suggestions specifically? Where have I said they should be sexually intimate or share a romantic dinner? Or hold hands? Or anything you wouldn't do with a friend?

How far does monogamy extend for you? Obviously to the point that you can improve your kids living conditions in the resident home in case the ex likes the paint colour too much*.

Expecting a previous romantic partner (who in many cases will want and actively campaign for your partner to stop being in a relationship with you and resume the one with them) to be a frequent part of our life together beyond what is necessary, considering themselves to have two families or one big one rather than a separate one from their ex (I would not consider myself to have a second family with someone who is just a friend so this is obviously different). Staying with them for a month would be absolutely out of the question.

You obviously seem to find it hard to understand but most monogamous people simply do not want other or past romantic prospects to be a constant presence in their life. I'm not trying to convince you that your way of living is wrong so why can't you just accept that your way is unconventional and most would be very uncomfortable with it and it would make their lives miserable?

I'm sorry but how the fuckety fuck has this turned into a thread about polyamory??!!!

Mostly because people see co-pare ting in a way that benefits your children as a violation of their monogamous relationship. It's baffling to me.

Oh do shut up @kewlwife. You're boring everyone now. It's not all about you.

Christing Christ. Why are you still entertaining this crap?

Yet people keep attacking my perspective and saying that my parenting philosophy or community minded lifestyle is related to my relationship style and that's fine. Okay.

Do you teach your children that it is appropriate to shut down people you find boring this way? Or is that level of rudeness something you save especially for your adult interactions? You better watch out Joan, here's another of your partner's type. He likes 'em feisty.

Generally speaking, if you are so hellbent in keeping your partner "yours", or conversely, remaining "theirs" that you'd let your kids live in a shithole rather than help your ex do it up, then you're really not a good person. Relationship style has absolutely nothing to do with it whatsoever. It's about wanting your kids to always be somewhere decent, even if it means doing stuff you're not obliged to do.

It’s funny how SC should always be awarded a holiday but if second children don’t get one “meh, that’s just life
It's easy to twist everything everything!

My personal views is that kids from a previous relationship so have to accept the separation of their parents and that it comes with many compromises. I also don't think some kids deserve a family holiday above others. IE I don't think any children should be privileged by individual adults above the other children within that family. But it's clear from this thread that a number of SM do think that their kids should enjoy some privileges ie. holiday with both parents without the SCs.

But people splitting is for the benefit of the children
This statement though has to be the icing on the cake! Do you plan on separating from your partner? Because you know, your joint children will be much better off if you are!

This statement though has to be the icing on the cake! Do you plan on separating from your partner? Because you know, your joint children will be much better off if you are!

I’m already one step ahead of you. And yes my children are better off for it for many reasons.

@Kewlwife

Your views are new age to say the least. A part of me applauds you for your selfless(?) approach but, as another poster said, it’s very unconventional indeed. What you’re effectively describing is relationship communism. Communism may sound good in theory but doesn’t actually work...take a look at countries under that type of regime...

Generally speaking, if you are so hellbent in keeping your partner "yours", or conversely, remaining "theirs" that you'd let your kids live in a shithole rather than help your ex do it up, then you're really not a good person

You seem to think the reason i wouldnt pay to do dps house up is because i feel that my relationship is threatened by her?

Im not threatened by her at all.

I wouldnt pay to do her house up because she has her own income plus maintenance, and therefore can afford to do it herself but chooses not to. Any money we gave her would not get spent on doing her house up so what would be the point? Wed be wasting money we could otherwise spend directly on our children.

How does that make me a bad person?

But people splitting is for the benefit of the children
This statement though has to be the icing on the cake! Do you plan on separating from your partner? Because you know, your joint children will be much better off if you are!

Well if he was a twat and it was a detriment to my child me staying with him, yes i would absolutely leave.

Whilst were in a happy relationship i wouldnt leave but if it goes downhill ofc i would leave!

But it's clear from this thread that a number of SM do think that their kids should enjoy some privileges ie. holiday with both parents without the SCs.

This is so blinkered. And not what anyone's said, just more first wives attitude.

Because apparently what's fine is a biological child being taken away by the hero ex wife and her new partner. But what's not ok is her ex husband taking his biological child away with his new partner because her biological child needs to go as well. They don't. They are of bloody course most welcome, but let's not let that get in the way of the "point."

It's the attitude that the second biological child shouldn't be allowed to go away with two parent figures unless the first child (who is already getting another holiday with two parent figures) gets to go on both.

This thread has gone a whole different direction from the OPs situation .
This is just thread jacking and you're best starting your own thread to discuss polyamory.

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE STILL ENGAGING WITH THIS MAD WOMAN! SHE'S ON A WIND UP!

Amen @Courtney555

Because apparently what's fine is a biological child being taken away by the hero ex wife and her new partner
Who has said that? This scenario is exactly the same! If he goes but lives behind his other kids, then it is not fine at all.

And what's the 'hero' ex wife?

Alas. It appears you can only explain something to someone's level of understanding. Or not.

Searches for facepalm icon...

Well to answer your question op... go book yaself a bloody holiday. I am sure you need one after this thread!! (I am eyeing up my next one!!)

@chocolatesaltyballs22 You said it! I think i’m In the twilight zone everytime I check in on this thread and read more about @Kewlwife and her sex life 😂

Thanks @JoanMavisIcecreamGirl I think I will. All on my own haha. No blooming kids!