Holidays

[HotChocolateLover]

Firstly, this is all hypothetical. I only want genuine opinions as neither DH or I know what is the right answer.

I have one DS from a previous marriage, he has a DS and DD. We have done holidays the last three years including all three, one UK based and 2 foreign. This year is a ‘staycation’ as buying a house last year completely wiped us out.

Right, so next year, the ex is considering taking DSS and DSD abroad. This would mean that if only DH, DS and I went abroad together then our holiday bill would reduce by 40%. Everyone would get a holiday and surely that’s ok? We’re just agonising over it in case the step-kids think that their dad (my DH) is picking my son over them. But if their mum is taking them away then we will have the money to go away so why should we sit at home? We can’t really afford £5-6k for a week 🤦‍♀️ I just don’t want to offend anyone. Oh and by the way, my son’s dad had never taken him anywhere, never will and doesn’t even pay maintenance.

Going to be selfish again here and admit I couldn’t have cared less whether my dad’s wife’s children had a holiday or not while I went away with my mum every year.

And they did get a holiday. You all did. Your dad’s wife was just as entitled to take her children on holiday as your mum was entitled to take you. Your dad chose to go with them.

I'm with @Thunderblunder. My sibling and I were never invited on any of the holidays my dad had with his new family. Not once. Which means the only holiday memory I have dates from when I was three (yes, I actually do remember that holiday) I am now almost sixty and it still hurts that my dad would take my half-sibling and sdc away, but not us. And my sibling and I rarely had holidays with my mum is she was a single parent working her guts out to keep a roof over our heads and food in the table, so holidays were not an option for us until after she re-married and then my amazing step-dad manage to pay to take us on a holiday to Butlins.
Regardless of whether OP's situation is a one off just for next year, just as its not fair for her dc to miss out on a family holiday, it's also not far for her dsc to miss out on a holiday with their dad.

My sibling and I were never invited on any of the holidays my dad had with his new family. Not once

That's bad..especially as you didn't go away with your mum... but it's on your dad tbh.

As your parent, it was for him to include you.

The problem with many of these situations, is the dads were not the best while with the Ex... and did minimal parenting. Why would they become any better when they see you even less.

Regardless of whether OP's situation is a one off just for next year, just as its not fair for her dc to miss out on a family holiday, it's also not far for her dsc to miss out on a holiday with their dad

So which one would you pick? Who’s feelings trump who’s? Not everyone would be happy in either situation.

Personally I would take my DC away if the SC was already having a holiday and the choices were either
a.) two children who have already had a holiday missed out just this once
b.) two children miss out and have no holiday at all, knowing that the other children of the household have already enjoyed at least one holiday.

Be objective. The other posters who were the SCs can only see it from their perspective, how do you think the other two children will feel? Do you think they’ll be happy or unhappy to have their experiences limited by people who do not live with them full time who are already having these experiences with their own mum?

I still don’t see why their feelings or childhood experiences are less important than the SCs.

I disagree with this. I don’t think it’s fair that 2 children of the household get an abroad and the resident child doesn’t get a holiday because it would be “unfair” on the other children who have already had that luxury
And this exactly why SMs get a bad name on forums. Posts after posts of how SCs should follow the step family rules and discipline in their house even if totally different to the rules at their main residence, how they resent if their partner treats them differently to her own children or children together, and everyone cheers how indeed, SCs are not special and should accept different rules and all kids within a household should be treated the same etc...

And then comes the discussions about holidays and suddenly, what happens when they are with their resident parent matters a lot and is taken into a count when decisions are made and they don't deserve two luxuries.

This is exactly why kids end up resenting their SM, because it is in their faces everytime they go to be with their dad thst it's all one directional, they have to adjust for things that demand effort and compromise on their part, but they have to accept that when it comes to the fun, they are not wanted to join in.

So the EX wife subsidises the holidays of her Ex and his partners children and compensates for the Exs DPs EX not taking their child on holiday - because that is what you are expecting to happen! The justification is the holiday is paid for therefore one family can save monies at the others expense. I find that fundamentally wrong.

My DCS want time on holiday with their Dad - does not matter where. For him to use his holiday time to spend with unrelated DCs in the interests of equality is really expecting anyone under the age of 12 to understand too much. The oldest now has a comprehension of cost - he worked out this year - their 10 days in Mexico was more expensive than taking all of them to Spain on a package holiday - its all sun and sea in the end Mum and then we could go. Like wise 4 days in Center parcs for them - we could all have gone and had 3 days Mum!!

I object to the so often threads on here about not being able to afford a holiday for all DCs - well you either are a family or you are not. The number of SMs who put their DPs in the position of choosing her sole DCs and their joint DC over usually his DCS is unacceptable.

We then see many threads where SMs are complaining when the DP does the right thing and says his DCS must be included. They get blasted then.

Op has done it right so far - I just object to the reasoning behind the change.

My DP and I have 5 between us now - we are all going away, slightly cheaper place but all - there is no question of splitting. I will still take mine home to see my family and he is taking his off at the same time to do family stuff.

So which one would you pick? Who’s feelings trump who’s? Not everyone would be happy in either situation
What you pick is consistency. You might tell the SCs that they don't get to join their holidays because you can't afford for all to go, but you tell your kids that the SCs are entitled to stay up later, or eat things you don't let your kids eat because the house dynamics doesn't have to apply to them.

It's either 'we're all in it and everyone treated exactly the same under this household regardless of what happens elsewhere' or its 'we can't treat all the kids the same because of the situation, so both set of kids accept there will be differences with the way they are brought up'.

Either is fine, picking and choosing to suit one set of kids at the detriment of the others isn't.

swing you cant compare disclipline to holidays realistically can you?

I do think whilst all children are present they should be treated the same. But am i going to disadvantage my child juat to keep sc happy even though theyve already had a holiday? No. Im not. Because that would be treating my child unfairly.

You seem to only give a shit about the step kids. You seem to forget step kids can come home from holidays with their mum and lord it over the other kids who havent had a holiday. Do you care about them? No.

We are away this week. Dss has been bored. Has whinged. Has asked to go somewhere far flung and frankly ridiculous next year. Obv this wont happen, so what should i do?

A campsite or french gite wont be good enough for dss so do we just not take ds anywhere (because he would enjoy a campsite or french gite) until dss is well into adulthood and takes himself om holiday?

I'm amazed at how many parents on this thread are effectively being dictated to by DC and SC alike about the type of holiday they find acceptable!
Can't go to certain places because it's not luxurious enough. Really?
My SC's Mum was able to take her kids to some great places, we could only afford camping in the UK. No one whinged, no one lorded it over the kids who didn't go on the fancy holiday.

What you pick is consistency
To the detriment of my own children, who are also now part of a “second home”.
Again, I do not see why my partner’s children’s needs or wants should come before my children’s.
Of course it matters what happens in all the homes of all the children. What happens in my SC’s mum’s house and in my DC’s dad’s house is all considered, of course it is.
Having house rules and bedtimes etc are a totally different issue and not comparable.
I knew if I went to other relatives or friend’s houses as a child that I had to abide by their rules, it’s no different.
If the owner of the sofa says no jumping on it for example then you don’t jump on it, end of story. Applies for anyone living or visiting the home.
My DC’s missing out on childhood experiences with me, their mother and main carer because may feel it’s unfair is unfortunate but that’s up to their parents to remedy. Me taking my children is nothing to do with them

I also don’t think it’s fair that my children should have to have my DP’s kids there on every excursion either, they’re entitled to time with mum and to build a bond with stepdad independently of the SCs too.
SCs get to build that bond with their stepdad, they also get time alone with me to do the same (as well as plenty of one on one time with their dad).

My kids deserve to feel secure and comfortable too. I repeat, they are children of a broken home and are a “first family” also. The world cannot revolve around one some section of the family

This is a one off situation and if the SC who are getting a holiday abroad feel unhappy about this one incident, because their stepsibling goes on holiday, then perhaps its time to have a word with them.

While the non resident kids are stepchildren, the resident children, are also stepchildren (to their stepdad) and they too experience the downsides of a blended family.

While this is the Stepparent forum... there are other children to consider in blended or semi blended families ... and those DCs biological parent/s need to look out for them.

Maybe the non resident stepchildren would prefer their step/half siblings went on holiday with their SM and dad stayed at home.

I think that some people on here are really upset by the fact that I MIGHT want to put my child first. I only had one child so it’s cheaper to take just him (not my first consideration so please don’t jump on that as a justification) My DH and his ex have 2 children so obviously it’s going to be more expensive now there’s 2 more and it’s 2 more, not 1 more IYSWIM. I want everyone to have fun and DH and I do provide this. Over the last 3 years there have been holidays including everyone. This year has included everyone. In fact, it’s been more the step kids as my DS has been working. My DS missed out on the main event to the Harry Potter studios as he was working so it works both ways.

Anyhow, if the step kids go away with their mum next year, I don’t see why we should tell my son that he can’t have a holiday just because they are. We don’t have unlimited funds and it would mean that we’d all get a holiday. So hard to decide because as i’m Sure everyone can appreciate, neither DH or I wish to upset anyone but we do also want to have a holiday.

@SandyY2K That’s an interesting point you make. However, firstly I want to holiday with my husband and secondly I have epilepsy so can’t go away without another adult present.

Honestly. Op just go.
Explain to to step kids your mom. Is taking you away on. Xyz date and you won't be here, we're taking ds away on xyz too so everyone gets a holiday. Next year we will all go somewhere together, if you've already booked it (sooo mcuh cheaper a year in advance) then name the place.
Sorted.

@spanglyprincess1 I’ve seen a couple of places that I like the look of but this is all hypothetical right now as we’re still waiting on confirmation from the ex. I know DH is dithering a bit because he worries about what the children will think but we do other lovely things with them. We’ll just have to dig deep if their holiday doesn’t materialise 🤦‍♀️

There are some amazing offers for the Turkish mountain regions all inclusive for next May 2020. I think for 6 of us, one is under 2 tbf, it was 2650 quid. Which I thinks cheap!!
We saw eurcamp and the ferry crossing for a week for around 1100 total. But you ahve food ontop of that.
For just me dp and baby I'm looking at Greece or Morocco as he's too young for kids club so need somewhere with a good small baby pool.

@spanglyprincess1 That’s incredible. We went to Marmaris last year and the only thing we didn’t like was the beds as they were like sleeping on the floor 🤦‍♀️ The English masseuse lady in the hotel said that the first thing she did was get a mattress shipped over! If we did Turkey again I would definitely be checking Trip Advisor reviews regarding the beds 🛌

Seriously shop around a bit and find a bargain.

I do think whilst all children are present they should be treated the same. But am i going to disadvantage my child juat to keep sc happy even though theyve already had a holiday? No. Im not. Because that would be treating my child unfairly.

Completely agree with this. Your children only get one childhood and why shouldn’t you take them on holiday?

You seem to only give a shit about the step kids. You seem to forget step kids can come home from holidays with their mum and lord it over the other kids who havent had a holiday. Do you care about them? No.

Quite honestly, I think some first wives would feel quietly smug at this thought. That their kids have had a holiday and will probably now go and rub it in everyone’s face. They may even encourage it.
And to be brutally honest, kids like that don’t really fucking deserve a second holiday.

@TheChain
Be objective. The other posters who were the SCs can only see it from their perspective, how do you think the other two children will feel? Do you think they’ll be happy or unhappy to have their experiences limited by people who do not live with them full time who are already having these experiences with their own mum?

actually, as the children whose father lived with his step-children full time, I would say it was our experiences that were limited by people who didn't live with us and were unrelated. So, frankly, them missing out on a holiday really doesn't compare. They had the rest of the year to bond with my dad.

actually, as the children whose father lived with his step-children full time, I would say it was our experiences that were limited by people who didn't live with us and were unrelated. So, frankly, them missing out on a holiday really doesn't compare. They had the rest of the year to bond with my dad

You really think that was the case? My DCs don’t often seen my DP without the SCs present. I barely see my kids in the week myself due to work commitments and the weekends are usually spent with SCs in tow too (at least 3 out of 4 weekends a month).

I think SCs often have this unrealistic and misguided perception that their dad is in his home playing happily families with his partner’s kids and looking after them. More often than not this is not the case... the children’s mother is looking after the kids in the short space between getting home from work and the kids going to bed.
My kids don’t even sit down to a have a meal with my DP in the week so he’s certainly not spending any time with them other than a quick hello just before bed.

People forget that the OP’s other child has also had his parents break up, his dad quite possibly living with another woman and now has to share his home with other children whilst having their own childhood experiences limited in the name of “fairness”.

They had the rest of the year to bond with my dad.

Has anyone actually thought that maybe their stepsiblings didn’t want to bond with your dad? And didn’t want him there? Like they should be grateful for having your dad in their lives? People seem to think they wanted to steal your dads away when in actual fact they had zero choice about him being in their lives. So yes, them missing out on a holiday because of your dad being in their lives would be just like salt in the wounds.

Step kids have posted on this thread and said it does bloody matter - I see my DCs tears - it matters - stop trying to justify actions when the DCS involved are telling you it matters.

And a lot of step children don't care. To most rational people of course it doesn't matter. DSC are getting a holiday with their DM. Why on earth should OP's DC miss out?

Crazy women on MN sometimes.

@TheChain - again an excellent point. That's exactly my experience. Dp works away a lot but if he is here during the week he spends no time with my dc. They are busy with school & activities & we don't even eat a meal together. The weekend I have my dc he has his dc. The only time my dc might spend time with him is if my exh can't take our dc on his weekend for whatever reason & when that happens (very, very rarely) dp chooses to hide the fact from his dc who don't like it even though they are old enough to know it's just circumstance at my end & not that their dad prefers other kids.
I can't speak for everyone but I know for sure that we most definitely do not play happy families.