Holidays

[HotChocolateLover]

Firstly, this is all hypothetical. I only want genuine opinions as neither DH or I know what is the right answer.

I have one DS from a previous marriage, he has a DS and DD. We have done holidays the last three years including all three, one UK based and 2 foreign. This year is a ‘staycation’ as buying a house last year completely wiped us out.

Right, so next year, the ex is considering taking DSS and DSD abroad. This would mean that if only DH, DS and I went abroad together then our holiday bill would reduce by 40%. Everyone would get a holiday and surely that’s ok? We’re just agonising over it in case the step-kids think that their dad (my DH) is picking my son over them. But if their mum is taking them away then we will have the money to go away so why should we sit at home? We can’t really afford £5-6k for a week 🤦‍♀️ I just don’t want to offend anyone. Oh and by the way, my son’s dad had never taken him anywhere, never will and doesn’t even pay maintenance.

I think it's okay, but yes, go at the same time they're away to minimise any feelings of being left out. There is no reason why you should sit at home and not have a holiday and if their DM is taking them away then I it sounds like the ideal opportunity for you to get away too. Let her book first and then plan to be away at the same time. Now you have to hope she goes ahead ...

We've done it, he didn't give a toss. It's possible to overthink. I think ours did overlap with one of his holidays on his mums side and while our little ones are still small we've been doing term time breaks at toddler places (ss is 15) and obviously we aren't going to take him out of school for something like that.
His mum regularly takes him during school time. We have been away all together too, it was fine.
But I won't feel guilty for taking our kids somewhere cheap and cheerful while he's off at Disneyland Florida lol I just won't.

@TheChain - Lets look at it from another perspective. If OP’s son wasn’t living with her, would she be as happy to pay for a holiday with just her DSS in the interest of ‘fairness’. Probably not and in that situation the advice to her would be every different.

But ds and dss have different parents with different financial circumstances so would, surely, not expect to live exactly the same life?

Yes, different mum. So really technically the dad’s wife shouldn’t have to make arrangements to take his children on holiday or on days out. If the dad chooses to go along with that then that’s on him.

I also don’t see why a dad’s partner should have to pay for his children to go on holiday. Like you said, different families and financial circumstances. I don’t see why a child should benefit in that way and make their half/step sibling have less. They have their own mum.

I’ve been having a similar problem, except both kids are mine but older one has a different dad. We split holidays 50/50 and I feel so guilty doing things with one child and not the other, but if I don’t then he has to spend half the holiday doing nothing while DS1 goes on holiday with his dad! So I guess generally save the most exciting things when all kids are around, but I think having your own holiday while he has a holiday with his dad is fine. My parents weren’t separate when I was little but I used to spend a week of the holidays with my grandparents and my parents would often take my younger siblings away for that week (we never went abroad but would be seaside etc) didn’t bother me because I was having my own fun at the time!

What sort of holiday the kids get to have with their mum is nothing to do with the holiday they have with you. They’re having a holiday with their mum, whether she takes them on a tour of Europe, USA and Australia, or stays with a great aunt Anne in the next town is nothing to do with you. Not taking them on your holiday, but taking your own child isn’t right. They are part of your family unit. However your child isn’t part of the family unit they have with their mum.

And speaking of someone in a similar boat, my partner’s kids have just come back from an expensive long haul holiday with their mum. All we can offer our family unit is something far less glamorous and much cheaper. That’s how it is. But we would never “ upgrade” our holiday and not take my partners kids because they’ve already had an expensive holiday with their mum.

So really technically the dad’s wife shouldn’t have to make arrangements to take his children on holiday or on days out. If the dad chooses to go along with that then that’s on him

The OP has talked in the context of ‘us’. She is not arranging the holiday. So ‘blended family’ in name only? Why would you want to be with a man who would prioritise taking non-biological children on holiday over his own? Seriously?

Ignore the vipers. Go away at the same time and give the DSC plenty of spending money for their holiday with their mum.

The OP has talked in the context of ‘us’. She is not arranging the holiday. So ‘blended family’ in name only? Why would you want to be with a man who would prioritise taking non-biological children on holiday over his own? Seriously?

But yet if a woman wants to prioritise her own children over non-biological children that’s suddenly wrong. If she wants her children to have a better holiday and her partner can’t afford to take his children, he’s got the choice to come along without his children or stay at home with them. I don’t see why a woman should hold her own children lives back and not give them a great life because of her partner’s children.

Ok I've ignored all the bashing previous posts here's my opinion, go for it.

At the end of the day, so long as all the children get an opportunity to go abroad then brilliant.

I do recommend trying to go away at the same time as the DSC so it won't disrupt their routine.

I'll throw this out there but how is the relationship with your DP ex? Could there be a possibility that you all go on holiday together? Although if this were to happen then I imagine she might want some money towards paying for the children to go away.

don’t see why a woman should hold her own children lives back and not give them a great life because of her partner’s children

Again, as you seem not to understand, the OP has talked in terms of ‘we’ and ‘us’. Not ‘I can afford to take my children away’. And again, if you were paying for a holiday for you and your children and your partner tagged along but left his own children behind, why would you want to be with him? I don’t personally get it. Either you’re a blended ‘family’ or you’re not, surely?

But yet if a woman wants to prioritise her own children over non-biological children that’s suddenly wrong. If she wants her children to have a better holiday and her partner can’t afford to take his children, he’s got the choice to come along without his children or stay at home with them. I don’t see why a woman should hold her own children lives back and not give them a great life because of her partner’s children

I completely agree with this.

When will the financial effects of buying a house last year stop being an issue? Will going away at May or October half-term be in budget?

I think that the least offensive thing to do is for you and your h to to have an adults only holiday or is there by any chance a holiday that would interest your child but not the other 2? Eg visiting your overseas family or a holiday with lots of water sports while the stepchildren can't swim well?

How are the finances split in your family? If your h earns more could he pay 3/5 (stepkids and him) and you pay 2/5 (you and joint child)?

If my kids were in this situation they would think that their Dad prefers the child with OP
because he's not paying for them to join. I think that going away with mum and going away with Dad are independent events but perhaps it's time to have a routine of holidaying as a 5 every other year if it's a problem.

I think some posters are conflating what's equal vs what's fair.

I personally don't think it's fair to deprive 1 child a holiday in favour of 2 children who will get to enjoy one.

That said, I think the way this is done is a big factor.

As pp's have said, going away at the same time is a good idea. Also the holidays should be comparable.

If your DSC's are spending week in Ibiza for example, then I think there would be justification for upset if you take your child for 2 weeks to Disney Florida...

Communication is also key.

Pp's saying children were upset at not being included I note quite a few have had this sprung on them.

Before doing anything I would suggest your DH speak with his children and be honest.

Clarify it's not that you don't want to take them it's that you can't afford to and your trying to navigate a solution that's fair so that everyone gets a holiday. Make sure they know the holiday would be comparable and ideally at the same time. Make clear you'd give them some spending money for their holiday for example.

See what they say. Personally I think if it's explained properly they'd be ok simply because it's not an unreasonable solution.

I'd also point out you're not setting a precedent and that future holidays will be decided independently of this proposition and you would not of course have suggested this option if they were not already going on holiday with their mother (because just as you don't want your son not to have a holiday, you would not do that to them in reverse).

Why in gods name would you want to go on holiday with your dp's ex???

Especially if you have your own dc as well?

The dynamics would be horrific!!!

Do you think they will be upset about it or not? Will they understand the circumstances and think 'fair enough'? Or not? I think it depends on what the children are like. My step children both feel differently about it. The youngest understands us going away separately sometimes and also their mum going away with her new husband on her own. The oldest quite frankly doesn't care about any of it unless it stops them getting to play fortnite. If that changed then plans would start changing but I think it's fair that everybody gets a holiday, rather than some kids missing out completely personally!

Me and my dh used to take our dd away at the same time that my older dd, his sd, went with her dad. She used to go to Florida, Caribbean etc. We went to wales or Cornwall 🤣 we could not have afforded it otherwise

You know the kids and relationships so you are best placed to judge whether it’s better for (potentially) your SC to be upset about missing out on a second holiday or your DS to be upset about missing out on any holiday at all. Much would depend on how you frame the situation to them.
It could be that the kids aren’t being given the credit they deserve and would just be happy knowing that everyone’s had a lovely time on holiday and enjoy picking souvenirs for each other and sharing the photos. Is that at all likely or possible, OP?
If any shit storms are whipped up, i would be considering taking my DS on my own, rather than a couples holiday. It is frankly unbelievable that some posters suggest that, of everyone involved, your poor DS should be the ONLY PERSON not to get a holiday in the interests of being fair to your SC, who will be going with their mum. Unbelievable.

Well I was once called awful for taking my children on a day to the beach (no exdp, he was at home), and didn’t invite my then dsc along too who was at home with ex later that day. So god knows what their mum would have said if I went on holiday with just my children.

To be honest I felt no obligations because I was a mum spending a lovely rare day out with my children. Their sibling had and has plenty of opportunities with their own mum. And the child was always favoured by my ex’s parents, so my children were always the ones forgotten about. It was well deserved treat for them.

It’s that sense of entitlement from the mum though and the fact that she begrudged then a nice day out with their mum unless included her child too. It really irritated the shit out of me.

Thank god I don’t have to answer to her anymore!

@ArfArfBarf

Doesn’t your dh want to go on holiday with his kids this year? Could you imagine choosing to go on holiday with his kids but not your Ds?

We’re having a staycation this year with all the children. This post is regarding next year. Of course he would love to go away with them.

Everyone’s opinion is really useful, thanks a lot. Have been checking out possible air bnb, might be an option.

I personally don't think it's fair to deprive 1 child a holiday in favour of 2 children who will get to enjoy one.

My dad and step family went away a couple of times when I was away with my mum and step dad. I wasn’t bothered at all. We were all excited to share holiday photos when we got back!

Oops meant to say I agree with the bit I quoted!

Isn't your partner going to need to use his holiday allowance to do childcare for his eldest kids?

Presumably your step kids are school age, would taking them on holiday with you (depending on where you go) be that much more expensive than paying for a week of childcare for 2 kids?

How much holiday a year does your partner get? 20/25 days? There are 13 to 14 weeks of school holidays to cover, so if he splits that with his ex, his share to cover is about 32-35 days.

hoofer you have no idea how ops husband and his ex share childcare. V weird to assume what he should be doing.