Holidays

[HotChocolateLover]

Firstly, this is all hypothetical. I only want genuine opinions as neither DH or I know what is the right answer.

I have one DS from a previous marriage, he has a DS and DD. We have done holidays the last three years including all three, one UK based and 2 foreign. This year is a ‘staycation’ as buying a house last year completely wiped us out.

Right, so next year, the ex is considering taking DSS and DSD abroad. This would mean that if only DH, DS and I went abroad together then our holiday bill would reduce by 40%. Everyone would get a holiday and surely that’s ok? We’re just agonising over it in case the step-kids think that their dad (my DH) is picking my son over them. But if their mum is taking them away then we will have the money to go away so why should we sit at home? We can’t really afford £5-6k for a week 🤦‍♀️ I just don’t want to offend anyone. Oh and by the way, my son’s dad had never taken him anywhere, never will and doesn’t even pay maintenance.

spangly thanks for the bitchy unnecessary comment.
I take my children home to my country.

Their father does not take them away because he can not afford to take them on luxury holidays along with my DCs half sibling and their two step siblings. In what world am I being a bitter first wife - I see my DCS cry over the holidays - USA, Florida, Canade, Barbados, Mauritius etc.
But fuck me - I take them to Holland for 10 days every year and that evens it all out of course.

Step kids have posted on this thread and said it does bloody matter - I see my DCs tears - it matters - stop trying to justify actions when the DCS involved are telling you it matters.

My DCS want a holiday with Dad -to be honest it could be bloody Bognor and they would love it with all the kids but no it has to be luxury and seven is too much

Yeah my DCS totally understood their step siblings coming home from Disneyland with loads of presents ( baby half sib was 2 at the time) and lording it over them that they had not been to Disneyland.

Of course they were happy they had a good holiday in Holland the two week before their father took kids unrelated to him on a luxury holiday without them, because he could not afford it. but the sadness that they did not get to go with Dad was palpable and painful to see.

Some people on here are delusional that young kids do not get the sleight - they are not partof the family and not worth as much as the other family.

My husband and I go on holiday without his step daughter.

My step daughter is having two holidays this year with her mother and we aren’t, it’s just how it works sometimes.

My husband pays a lot more than he needs to in child support to her mum, plus he’s always paying out extras for her when her mum asks. Not complaining I knew what I was getting into. It means he doesn’t have extra money for a holiday. So a few times I’ve paid for my husband my DS and our joint son to go away. I couldn’t afford to pay for her too. It’s either don’t take her or don’t go.

My two are little so they share our room, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with her sleeping in one hotel room so it would mean getting a bigger place. I couldn’t go on holiday without my husband as I need the help. My husband and I both work hard, we need a holiday every now and then, much more than his daughter needs a 3rd holiday. My husband works every other weekend and the weekends he doesn’t work his daughter is with us and he’s doing things with her so holidays are a good chance for him to spend time with the other too. Also I want my children to experience a holiday, and not to miss out because of their step/half sister.

As a couple I think it’s important we get time together, and also put our relationship first. I mean before all the kids not just SD, I don’t mean in a selfish way but we need to make sure we pay attention to our relationship as well as the kids needs.

And before it’s suggested we tried the go away in the UK for a cheaper holiday we tried that and according to his step daughter it wasn’t a proper holiday as it wasn’t abroad - we won’t be going down that route again

The it seems wrong to me not to invite the stepkids, there's so many options for holidays that are between a campsite in Britain and £6k overseas - French gites/campsites are perfect for families and many are 3 bedroom - in school holidays I have found them for around £800-1000 including ferry crossing. Does your ds go away with his father or grandparents?

Ps I recommend Pierre vacances much better options than the British brochures though I did book in French, not sure if there's English language.

It wasn't bitchy it was factual.
Sorry if you took it that way.

Op everyone's dynamics are different just do what's best for you and your family dynamic.
Most mixed families do some holidays together and some seperatly. It's just the way it works for most people, it isnt excluding anyone.
Obviously if e is dsc get no holidays at all with either parent that isn't fair but provided they go away with thir dad, mom and a mix of half sibling or step then that's reasonable.

Factually incorrect -second wide darling!!!

wife!!!

@stuffedpeppers one of the good things about MN is you get lots of differing opinions, mainly because we look through the lens of our own experiences.

That often gives very valuable insights.

That said I don't think your comments here are particularly helpful.

Reading what you've posted I fully agree that the behaviour of your ex was appalling. Taking all the children apart from your own not only to Disneyland but to visit a much loved Uncle under the guise of him being on holiday with you was despicable.

I'm not surprised your child was upset and you also on their behalf. It was an awfully shoddy thing to do.

That said this is not the situation the OP is in and your insistence on projecting a very specific experience is not appropriate.

The fact she is posting at all is because, unlike your ex she does care and is trying to evaluate what's fair.

She's not proposing to exclude her DSC from visiting a family member, nor given the financial restrictions she's mentioned it doesn't it seem to be the case that the plan is to exclude her husbands children from a holiday of a lifetime.

Rather what she's considering is if it's fair to deny her her son a holiday whilst her DSC's get to enjoy one with their mother.

As per my pp I do not think it is fair to deny her child a holiday subject to a couple of reasonable considerations I posted below (equivalent holidays, better at the same time and importantly good communication prior with the DSCs to explain the situation and that it wasn't setting a precedent).

God these threads get boring.

As long as every child has at least one holiday that's fine.

Some children don't get any holidays.

My mum could afford to take me and my brother on holiday every year because she only had 2 children.
It wasn’t my fault that my dad’s wife had 4 children before she met him and therefore they couldn’t afford to go on holiday until her children were older.
All I wanted to do was go on holiday with MY dad. Why should I have been penalised because of my dad and his wife’s life choices.
My dad going away with his wife and her children without me was one of the reasons why mine and his relationship became non existent and I went non contact with him for 6 years.
25 years later and it’s still suffering as I see my mum monthly and talk to her every week where as my dad I see about 6 times a year and probably speak to him the same amount of times.
If he could prioritise taking his wife’s children away over his own blood children and justify it because I went away with my mum then I sure as hell couldn’t be bothered with him.
At least my mum cared.
It wasn’t nice to realise I wasn’t a priority where my father was concerned.

Last time I looked I had 2 parents.

Thunder I grée with you.

However yet again, like stuffed you're not taking about equivalent experiences.

The OP stated that all holidays to date have been with ALL the children.

This year due to financial constraints there will be no holiday.

Next year her DH's ex wants to take her children abroad.

The OP is discussing making an exception for one year that would allow ALL the children in the family to have a holiday.

Doesn't anyone consider the feelings of the child whose potentially going to have to listen to their step siblings having had a lovely holiday whilst they didn't because the only unreasonable solution was two children get two holidays and one gets none in the name of equality

The OP isn't talking about a long term solution here where the DSCs never go away with them.

That would be awful, but that's not what's under consideration.

I think it's impossible for all kids to be treated the same or receive the same, when they don't live in the same house 100%if the time.

If your SC are going away with their mum, they are getting a holiday. Your DS wouldn't be getting a holiday if you don't go away... which I'm not suggesting is the end of the world.

I think going away at the same time they do is a good idea.

I would also run this past your DH... because if he's not happy with it...it's a non starter.

I’m sure there are some step mums/second wives on here that would call me selfish but to me it wasn’t so much the holiday and destination but the fact that my dad’s wife’s children already got my dad’s attention for 6 days out of 7 the rest of the year but they then got a week/2 weeks undivided attention on holiday as well where as I got a few hours on a saturday and a couple of hours on a thursday night after he had got home from work.
The funny thing now is that on the odd occasion that I do talk to him he always says that his one biggest regret when him and my mum divorced was that he didn’t spend enough time with my brother and I.

baby half sib was 2 at the time) and lording it over them that they had not been to Disneyland

Really? A 2 year old lording it over them that they hadn't been to Disney?

Must be a very advanced 2 year old, because my experience with that age, is that they have a limited vocabulary.

Maybe your kids wanted you to feel bad/guilty/sorry for them, that they weren't going to Disney.

Thunder I don't think you are being remotely selfish to have wanted that time with your father.

However in your own words "it wasn't so much the holiday"....

From your post there was a multitude of issues that the holiday may have only partially resolved.

The point I'm trying to make here is that fairness to all children in blended families is vital and in this specific instance I don't think the OP is being unreasonable.

If she'd said they'd never been on holiday with the DSC's and never planned to but wanted to take the opportunity to take her son only on the holiday of a lifetime that they couldn't otherwise afford I'd be posting very differently.

I think that the least offensive thing to do is for you and your h to to have an adults only holiday

Terrible idea. Another pp also suggested the OP goes with her DH.

That leaves the OPs DC being the only one who doesn't get a holiday.

Why would anybody do this?

I would feel incredibly selfish if my SC had a holiday....then I went with my DH... and left my child not going away.

Is anyone thinking about the resident child here at all.

Imagine how this would feel for them.

Going to be selfish again here and admit I couldn’t have cared less whether my dad’s wife’s children had a holiday or not while I went away with my mum every year.
All I wanted to do was go away on holiday with my dad as he was my parent as well.
To me it really did feel like he was abandoning me and choosing his ‘second family’ over me when they went away without me.

StuffedPeppers stop trying to say that all step children agree with you when that’s clearly not the case. You only need to look a few posts back to see that a MNer wasn’t bothered at all that her father went away with her half siblings and used to look forward to sharing photos/stories about their respective holidays.

You’ve got your own views on this situation, fair enough. But stop generalising and trying to guilt trip the OP into thinking that your opinions are backed up by every step kid in the world.

Is anyone thinking about the resident child here at all

Judging by @stuffedpeppers response I couldn’t have cared less whether my dad’s wife’s children had a holiday or not while I went away with my mum every year I’m guessing not.

The world does not revolve around you stuffed, the other kids in the family deserved holidays too. You had holidays with your mum (and maybe mum’s partner?) they were perfectly entitled to as well.
Yes your dad could have taken you separately, but I don’t think you should begrudge your stepsiblings their holiday too.

Second families are just as important as first families. In fact the “second family” is actually often the first family for at least one of the parents and deserves just as much as the first.
My kids are my first family, they are also children of a broken home and there is not a chance in hell I wouldn’t take them on holiday just to appease my SCs.

Sandy2 K - no the two step kids lorded it over my 2 - not their half brother who was two 9 should have explained that better)

Not all but Thunderblunder says it quite eloquently.

this was not one time this is multiple occasions and has included in country holidays!

My point is yes as they gt older it may well not matter as much a 15yr old with small siblings probably will not be bothered but when the DCS to be honest are under 12 - it does to most of them. OP has done the right thing previously but now because the EX is taking her DCS on holiday - it is seen to be OK to not take them on their family holiday.

I disagree with the concept which is being borne because of the EX taking her DCs on holiday. Stick to what you ahve always done in your family.

Also @stuffedpeppers the OP isn’t saying they won’t ever take the SCs on holiday, just this one particular time.

Sorry @stuffedpeppers I meant to tag @Thunderblunder in my post earlier

@Thunderblunder made the point much more eloquently than I did earlier about holidays (I.e. time off from school, work & other commitments) is not just about spending time going to different places, it's just about time together.

The average working person gets so few holiday days per year that spending them with the people you love is key.

OP, is your DH happy to go on holiday without his DC, spending his precious time off with your children, but not his own?

Of your 5 or so weeks off work per year (if you work) would you be happy to spend one fifth of them with his children but without your own?