Holidays

[HotChocolateLover]

Firstly, this is all hypothetical. I only want genuine opinions as neither DH or I know what is the right answer.

I have one DS from a previous marriage, he has a DS and DD. We have done holidays the last three years including all three, one UK based and 2 foreign. This year is a ‘staycation’ as buying a house last year completely wiped us out.

Right, so next year, the ex is considering taking DSS and DSD abroad. This would mean that if only DH, DS and I went abroad together then our holiday bill would reduce by 40%. Everyone would get a holiday and surely that’s ok? We’re just agonising over it in case the step-kids think that their dad (my DH) is picking my son over them. But if their mum is taking them away then we will have the money to go away so why should we sit at home? We can’t really afford £5-6k for a week 🤦‍♀️ I just don’t want to offend anyone. Oh and by the way, my son’s dad had never taken him anywhere, never will and doesn’t even pay maintenance.

Im not implying anything. I asked you a question. Unfortunately equality isnt as straight forward as you think it is.

Its not fair or equal for step lids to go abroad 3 x a year whilst the new family bio child gets 0 holidays ever. It might be treating them all the same ie taking no kids on hol, but its not fair or equal and it puts 1 child at an enormous disadvantage.

You seem to only shout about "unfair" when the step kids are at a disadvantage but not when second family children are. Why is that?

But @swingofthings - surely a 16 yo & a 10yo who are going on holiday with their dm can understand that their sm wants to take her ds on holidays & that their dad deserves a holiday too? & that the obvious thing is for him to go with wife? What's he expected to do? Sit at home alone so he won't upset the kids? Go on holiday with them & his ex just to prove that they are all more important than his wife? He's not choosing another child - he's choosing to take a holiday with his wife (who happens to have a child) in a year when his own kids will be happily occupied with their dm.
I honestly think kids are not being taught enough consideration for other people anymore.
I took my kids abroad this year. Their df is going abroad with his dw & their two toddlers in September. They won't take my kids. It's been explained to my two that it's cheaper to go during term time & they can't afford a holiday for 6 this year (they did that last year). Are my two whinging & moaning about this? No - & if they were I'd be telling them to cop themselves on! They are very grateful to have had a holiday & know that they'll either do a family holiday with their df next year or a long weekend away with him by themselves. They totally get that their dad wants a holiday & they totally get the financial aspect of things & how expensive holidays anywhere are.
Honestly I just really feel that this treating scs with kid gloves that goes on on here is madness!
Scs have lives outside the nrp's set up & everyone seems to totally forget this! Everyone acts like they're poor lost children who have awful lives coping with the split of their parents! But resident kids have ALSO had to cope with a split (most of the time), something that a lot of posters on here seem to conveniently forget. This level of indulgence is creating an entitled generation with no bloody resilience!

@swingofthings

You raise an interesting point but you did reply to a comment that said

Again, I do not see why my partner’s children’s needs or wants should come before my children’s

by saying that is the reason SMs have a bad name, which suggests you believe the resident kids needs should come after the step kids. It would be different if you had replied to a comment that said "I do not see why my partner's children's needs or wants should be as important as my children's." Why would you disagree with someone saying they should all matter as much as each other?

My SS isn't subject to rules in our house because my daughter is, he is subject to them because that is what we would expect from anyone in our house. I don't want him to jump about on the sofa with his shoes on and an ice cream in his hand slopping everywhere not because my daughter isn't allowed to do the same thing, but because I wouldn't want anyone to do that.

That's why discipline is not comparable, it's not about tit for tat it's about what's acceptable from anyone.

My daughter still has both of her parents in her household as this is her sole residence, so we will still do things when my SS is here and when he isn't, because she has her own life and experiences outside of him. If my daughter was ever not here when he was, we would do things with just him as well, but that doesn't happen because this isn't his main residence, which is as much his choice as ours, as well as obviously his mother who isn't willing to have less contact.

It wouldn't make sense to take him on holiday for a week because he complains about missing his mum and his main home and belongings whenever he is with us for even a weekend, because due to the circumstances of being a step child that is his main home and caregiver and he doesn't want to be away from them for extended periods (he enjoys himself here but is homesick). We will still go on holidays without him because we are a still a family and we all want to go.

@AE18 - GREAT post!

@Magda72

I honestly think kids are not being taught enough consideration for other people anymore.

Couldn't agree more, it's madness how much of that mentality there is on MN.

It’s the first time, go, life is too short. My stepdaughter went on three foreign holidays one year, her brother/my son went to the new forest. He had a great time and didn’t have a sulky step sister with him to ruin it. I feel no guilt. Good kids don’t mind and will understand, spoilt kids will mind and If that’s the situation you should definiately go. Who says everyone should be together all the time anyway. All families are unique.

Its not fair or equal for step lids to go abroad 3 x a year whilst the new family bio child gets 0 holidays ever

But if the parents of the bio child can’t afford a holiday for everyone, it’s hardly the fault of the step children, is it? If the ‘new’ family can afford to take themselves away but not the SC then surely the response is to go less often with everyone rather than not at all? There seems to be a lot of ‘we can afford it for us, just not for them’ when in any other family, either no one or everyone goes.

Like a pp said I think each family should be judged on a case by case basis.

Example:
One child is on 3 week holiday in Disney Florida with their mum. While they’re away the other children are on a last minute getaway to a Haven holiday. SM shock horror booked it so her children could have some fun and is taking advantage of the fact that it will be cheaper and found a deal with one less child and she gets to spend some quality time with her children. And shock horror, the children’s dad goes too!

Swing, what is so wrong with that? The other children in the family matter too and they shouldn’t have to wait for the other child to come home before they get to do something nice too. The other child isn’t hard done by because they are thousands of miles away having the time of their life.

And yes, if one of my children was away for 3 weeks and my children knew about it, I would want my other children to have something too. That’s why I don’t get it when there is so much uproar about second children having something for once.

I go without my step daughter as often as I can get away with it. Holiday is cheaper, everyone is happier, I’m not working my butt off all year to get one holiday a year that doesn’t live up to her expectations. Anyway I’ve afforded three so far this year and I didn’t take her on one. No guilt

sotired no its not their fault but neither is it the bio childs fault. Why do they deserve to miss out but apparently its not ok for step kids to ever miss out?

Not everyone needs to go on every holiday.

Step kids will get two sets of everything. Bio kids wont. I hardly think one holiday without step kids is unfair considering bio kids wont be getting half as much as they will in general.

And a blended family is never going to be exactly the same as a nuclear family unless all kids live in that household all the time. Saying it should be like that is naive at best and ignorant at worst.

I’m not working my butt off all year to get one holiday a year that doesn’t live up to her expectations.

That would annoy me too.

Yeah i get that too. We spent a fortune last year taking both kids abroad. It cost 3 x as much to take dss as it would have done not to because hes school age and so wr had to go in aug which we otherwise wouldnt have done.

He whinged for most of the week and this year declared he didnt want to go somewhere boring like spain. We are not taking him next year as a result.

And a blended family is never going to be exactly the same as a nuclear family unless all kids live in that household all the time. Saying it should be like that is naive at best and ignorant at worst.

Well yes exactly. Both sets of children have different sets of families. And yes I mean half siblings too. That’s why it annoys me when people expect stepchildren to get ALSO get exactly the same from the SM’s family too. What about them having different families and sets of circumstsnces? Oh yeah, it’s those double standards again...

It’s like SC should get absolutely everything from everybody.

There is no one type of blended family, or one size solution fits all. There's so many other things in play, that you can take advice from here but you'll never get it 100% right if you try and follow every mumsnet way

Do I begrudge my exH taking his daughter away with her mum and not my children? You know what, not really. That girl has her parents living together, and two sets of grandparents. Where as my children have my parents and their dads parents, as well as being lucky enough to be thought of as part of their stepmums family, and my partners family. This basically means four sets of grandparents and extra aunts and uncles come birthdays and Christmas etc. They basically have a full Christmas with me, and another with their dad. He does it brilliantly so their daughter doesn't miss out and has presents held back etc, but who am I to begrudge her a holiday just with her parents, when actually in the grand scheme of things my kids get so much already from a split family? And I'd tell my sons to wobble their heads a bit if they moaned about it too (which they don't, they are aware they are lucky to be loved by so many, it just means sometimes they don't go in holiday or big outings with their dad)

I go without my step daughter as often as I can get away with it. Holiday is cheaper, everyone is happier, I’m not working my butt off all year to get one holiday a year that doesn’t live up to her expectations. Anyway I’ve afforded three so far this year and I didn’t take her on one. No guilt

Love your honesty @Toronto70, this is how I feel as well! We took SS on our annual holiday this year and he did nothing but moan about how hot it was and the fact that he was bored. Next year my mum will be taking his place an be he'll be staying at home (although he will be at Uni by then)

Chocolate tea I wish my SDs BM had been like you.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 good for you!

I think that the problem is how long ex will take to decide whether or not she's taking the kids on holiday? What's the chance of her cancelling or changing the booking? I assume that you plan to take everyone if she doesn't take her kids?

If the ex cancelled or changed anything that’s irrelevant. Why does she have to take everyone?

It boils down to this. Forget about who goes with who.. just make sure EVERYONE gets a holiday. !

In the desperate desire to be 'equal' the losers are the ones that go nowhere because of their parents life choices. THATS the part that is unfair.

My Dsc (and I mean that ! I really love them.they are great fabulous people. ) Not one of them would begrudge us taking ANY of the children on a holiday if they hadn't had one.

DSc (2nd family) have the means to go on exotic adventures. (4 children) DH child from first VERY early relationship lives with mum who can't afford a break. That leaves us with 1 of mine (others in their 20's) and Dss 17 .. so this year it's MY youngest and Dss 17. At a UK break. DH kids from second marriage not included but they have been in an African safari last month.

Do they feel hard done by ? Hell no because they are sensible logical kids.

Good kids don’t mind and will understand, spoilt kids will mind and If that’s the situation you should definiately go

Ah yes, kids who just want to spend some quality time with their father are ‘spoilt’. FFS.

Lol if only it was just about wanting quality time, eh.

Lol yeah it’s all about the time 😆

I love dss but we are all well aware he will go with whichever parent is spending the most money / laying on a more exciting activity / doing something instagram worthy. We do not kid ourselves that he just wants to spend time with us. I imagine most almost 15yos are the same.