Sexless Marriages Support thread

[Aishabibi]

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again.

my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

It’s a horrible situation for you. How are things for her in other parts of her life? How old are the children? Is she working? Do you get time together as a couple on your own etc?

Things are really good, the kids are in middle school and starting to have their own lives, she doesn’t have work (other than raising children, obviously 😆), until recently we would have pretty regular time in the evenings to read or watch shows, we’re both homebodies. We take family vacations a few times a year.

This is also part of the problem, she never wants to have sex if the kids are around and she has no interest in hiring a sitter or letting her sister watch them (they love their cousins, I don’t think it would be a big deal, but she doesn’t want to “bother” her sister. Both our parents live too far away to be an option, but I know she wouldn’t take it for the same reason).

And I love being with my kids, my kids are great to be around, so I’ve been resigned to the tradeoff. But again, they are starting to have their own lives, we are having more time to ourselves. But she’d rather re-arrange the closests apparently.

@VibrantPlum

It definitely sounds like she’s checked out and isn’t interested in having sex with you. The kids will be increasingly independent and will, eventually, leave home. My youngest (just turned 18) leaves home next weekend to move away to university.

I’m afraid you don’t have any options but to accept it or lay the cards on the table and tell her you can’t live like this. Her sex drive might return as she enters peri-menopause (how old is she?). It may be that she is so consumed with motherhood that she has forgotten to make time for you or just, unfortunately, doesn’t want to. If she isn’t working then she hasn’t got the excuse of being tired/stressed. I’m presuming you are the main provider in the household - it’s an easy life for her now the kids are older.

What will you do if your head is turned by another woman?

Tough situation @VibrantPlum but all very familiar. The sex pest in your own marriage is a very similar situation, the rejection really hurts. I’ve resigned myself to it, the open relationship helps, but it’s not really what I want long term

Your situation is exactly the same as mine. I am mid 40s too, live rurally. Get on well but if we didn't have kids I would have left a long time ago. Just can't cope without—not just the sex but the intimacy and closeness too. I am in the same boat—can't really afford to leave financially and also I guess the main worry is leaving the family setup. The kids would be devastated, I am keeping it together for them really. My DW just doesn't understand the sex issue, thinks everything is ok.

Im in the same situation, been married 22 years. My sex drive is high, wife's is none existent. Its depressing me, feel isolated and unwanted and ugly. Not sure how long I can continue.

Sorry guys. Sounds almost exactly like my situation. I have accepted it but its still rears its head at times.

Wow the struggle is very real, this mirrors my life exactly, i’m in same boat, don’t want to break up the happy family just to satisfy my needs. It seems that over time a mans needs rarely change, they probably do for some i guess, but women's needs definitely change during the course of a relationship, their bodies go through lots of changes that can affect their desire to want sex.

Now i’m sure there are also women out there that choose to not be intimate when they are more than capable but i’m guessing the vast majority have no control over their sexual appetite, and those that do probably have other reasons why they aren’t being intimate, like trust, unresolved relationship issues, infidelity and lots of other reasons i’m sure.

It doesn’t help our situation, if you need to feel wanted emotionally and you’re not getting that from your partner there aren’t many choices, but let me put this theory out there, you leave and destroy your happy family, you find someone new who lust fucks you and makes you feel wanted for a few months, then over time she experiences the same body changes your previous partner did, are you really any better off! Not saying that would happen but there is a high probability.

To be honest I think we are kidding ourselves on it gets better. Yes, there’s times when it gets a bit better but you only get your hopes up that it’s turned a corner … it doesn’t really

Absolutely and sure this applies both to the women and men who are in this type of relationship, you might have a brief spell where the sex resumes and may be quite frequent but it soon goes back to the very occasional or nonexistent scenario and you just end up tormenting yourself trying to see if there was a reason for the returned sex drive and can you replicate it with the reality being no you can’t

I get lulled into a false state. We can have a good week followed by 3 months of nothing (from his side). Tried everything I can think of. I get tempted elsewhere but don't. I think this relationship won't last tbh.

I have been in this cycle for about 18 years now. I wonder when the optimism finally disappears.

My husband is the same unfortunately. Just not interested. He’s been away this weekend and it’s our 20th anniversary. Not heard a word from him. Makes me wonder how he really views our relationship.

Its odd isn't it that they think everything is ok - nothing to see here sort of thing. My DW will always try and deflect it - move it to another time continuously

Same here - I think we had 3-4 years of nothing..then it was every couple of months (!) which wasn't great but after 3-4 years I was chuffed! Its been stop start for the last two years, now nothing for 10 months. Yet she keeps telling me she loves me and is very affectionate in other ways 🙄

I know, it’s so weird. It’s like they’re happy with just a friendship. I’m not 🤷‍♀️

And they act all bemused if you bring it up 😂

That must be harder. We haven't done anything for more than a decade. Probably a bit easier for me.

At least it's consistent for you. I suppose.

Has anyone looked elsewhere for satisfaction?

In a fantasy way, yes. In a real life way, no.

I have, with my husband’s approval. Didn’t last long. The fa t he’s happy with this kind of relationship is a bit sad really

Exactly! Its almost like "not this again" - I keep thinking about withdrawing my services in some way but really don't want to do tit for tat. Like refusing to do school runs, you don't like sex so you have stopped, I don't like school runs so I am stopping those 😂

In what way didn't it last long? Did he put a stop to it?

No...keep thinking about it but never any further. Its one part logistics - how would I meet someone? how would I arrange to see them? and one part worrying if I get caught out and break my family up :(

At what point does it stop bothering you (if at all?) I don't think I could do a decade :(

Careful there, that’s how marriages start coming apart