Sexless Marriages Support thread

[Aishabibi]

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again.

my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

For the kids and their stability.

did you just fall out of love / attraction with your wife?

I think the chats are all well and good, and things perk up a bit but it’s doesn’t seem to sustain. Personally it makes me even sadder, that he can up his game when I raise it but doesn’t bother after a while. Find myself hoping that the meno kills it for me, but how shit is that?

I am not in a sexless relationship but as an outsider looking in I see this pattern. After talking about lack of sex, some partners will start having sex for a few weeks. This isn’t desire as it isn’t something you can flick a switch first, it’s a willingness to try and please their partner ( this is my positive take). But it cannot be sustained because they either have lack of libido or they are not attracted to their partner or have another issue. They with hold the truth which is why there is so much anxiety and doubt for the partner that wants to have sex. It’s a really sad cycle. Also I think the partner wanting sex enjoys it and it’s really hard to imagine someone not enjoying sex ( myself included). I know alot of people blame work pressure, big life events ect however myself and my partner have continued to have sex through bereavements, sick parents, relationship issues. Part of that is to release the tension and the other is to feel love and connection.

Yep afraid so. We are very different people and the stresses and strains of life have taken their toll.

She isn't what I want and I am sure the feeling is mutual but we get by well enough so keep going.

No spark there and to be honest I think we are both "happy" with the situation.

Do you think that you will stay together forever, eg, when your children are 40, do you think you’ll still be married?

@Britters69 I totally understand what you mean. I love my DP but we’re just like really good friends. I miss passion, flirtation, feeling attractive - feeling sexy and powerful, feeling desired and wanted. I know we shouldn’t find our self esteem in others but being sexually desired is something else. I’m not even rejected anymore as I don’t instigate at all these days. I can’t face the humiliation.

I’ve been in a sexless relationship for a few years. We won’t be splitting up for reasons I don’t want to go in to but I do often think about meeting someone just to hook up with regularly.

I don’t know if I would ever go through with it or just keep it as a pipe dream lol

I hope not! This is a temporary thing in my mind - in due course we will no doubt split (amicably) and get on with our lives once we know the kids are secure.

What do you plan to do ? Do you think about dating sites? I’m in exactly the same dilemma … OH just not interested- maybe low testosterone not sure he isn’t motivated to find out either but it’s pretty boring and lonely.

What are you going to do? I find it too frustrating to live like this. Not sure OH keen to open marriage up …

@Catloverlady I (and I think most people on this thread) have pondered the question of what to do for years. There are very few options.

• Accept celibacy, and find ways to come to terms with it.
• Have a clandestine affair
• Find a lover, with your OH's knowledge

The last one isn't quite the same as "opening your marriage"; you'd have a frank conversation with your OH, along the lines of, "We either make a plan, or I look for a sexual partner; you do whatever you want."

If I ever reach the point of acceptance of lifelong celibacy, my DW and I will come to an understanding: I will do what it takes to dull or overshadow the pain of enforced celibacy, and I've every right to do that.

@LochSunart you have been so unhappy for so ling, why can’t you come to an understanding now?

I've been having therapy for a year, partly to answer that question, partly to gather my strength to have that very difficult conversation. I've made good progress. However, not only are there huge changes going on in my DW's family right now but, in the last few days, she's had a health scare, the outcome of which won't be clear for a little while. There's no way I can lay that on her now.

Good question and I definitely do think about saying sites. Would be quite exciting but realistically it's not something I could do to my family.

I am pretty bored in my relationship but not in life - have a good job, fantastic kids, great hobbies and in general I enjoy my life.

It's a real shame about my marriage but I try not to let it get me down.

Yes it’s a tricky situation esp when kids are involved and you have built your lives together. You wonder if it’s worth upsetting things for a sex life.

You have a good attitude and sound like a good husband. Keeping busy with other things and looking at the positives a helps. It’s just sad to have this void which shouldn’t be there.

Thanks! I entirely agree with you regarding the void.

I ensure that the kids are taken care of and having a fun, outgoing dad is important. I am a pretty happy guy overall and it's key for me that they enjoy life. There's plenty of misery going around but I think it's important they don't see that.

@Catloverlady : I wrote my wife a letter, phrasing things as gently as I could. In it, I said that, to me, physical intimacy in our marriage is like vitamin C in my diet: the amount you need is tiny but, without it, you're ill. Not the best analogy in the world, admittedly: I could have a good sexual relationship with my wife, for one hour out of the 168 available each week. That's all we would need. But without that one hour, the remaining 167 have the life sucked out of them.

As said before, its the hope that hurts the most. If you can come to terms and accept its not going to happen then you never get your hopes up and can handle it better. You still gets massive lows but they come and go like hormones and you can focus on normal life again for a while. Im putting my energy into the gym again right now. But this time its not because I want to look better in the hope my wife finds me attractive, which is why I used to do it, its because I enjoy the high I get from working out. I think its a control thing too. If I can discipline myself and my diet to be fit with a six pack I am in control of something. The opposite to how I feel about my marriage.

I think acceptance is the key.

So I'm not in a sexless marriage anymore. We fortunately sorted it out over years but I have hit peri menopause now and have the sex surge! I want it way more than he does. If I'm totally honest I could easily do it every day! Likely that if we did the novelty would wear off but I would like some form of sexual intimacy every day it doesn't have to be intercourse. I know it sounds really daft but I feel stupid telling him that because deep down I know he's not as bothered about sex as I am and we are doing it most weeks twice so I feel I shouldn't be complaining!
He also has really sensitive skin and is on sertraline so sometimes takes longer to ejaculate. This makes his penis sore! We were joking about it last week and I said I'd have to get a vibrator and we could try using lube on him to see if it helps? I know I'm wet enough so not sure it will make any difference?
But where to start with sex toys? We're early 50's and have never done stuff like that. He is quite shy but the way I'm feeling now I'd love to try new things but have no idea where to start.
Advice appreciated from those who are much more clued up than me would be fab.

Not sure this is the thread to ask for advice like that on.😂

I think I’ve only ever had sex without lube maybe 3 times. The advice from the professionals is to use it every time.

Sorry I didn't mean to be insensitive! I kind of forgot to add the bit about when I was in a sexless marriage! But it hopefully shows that some people can get through it and things can change. I guess it needs both parties to want it to.

So does mutual masturbation not occur either? (If full sex is off the menu)