Sexless Marriages Support thread

[Aishabibi]

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again.

my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

Don’t listen to them ..🙄
It’s great you & your husband found a way of staying together ..
Ye had a problem, came together & said , “ right , how can we fix this “ ..
It works for ye , I think that’s cool .
I couldn’t stay in a sexless relationship either , ye are one of the lucky couples who found a solution.. X

I was talking about this just the other night with a male friend. His take on it is that: women know they are going to go off sex when they get married and have kids. They should be upfront about it.

Women have enough of a sex drive to conceive and wait until they have kids to decide that they hate their husbands bitterly and want to harm them as much as possible.

The only thing the husband has done wrong, is get married. And that marriage BTW... he didn't want to get married - he didn't want a life partner. He only did it because you wanted it.

I asked what he thought about the women who were in sexless marriages because of their husbands lack of drive and he said he didn't believe it as men are wired to provide sex.

Is he right? Do women bitterly hate their husbands and do this on purpose? Are men lying about not having a sex drive?

@AtYourPleasure imho that's an extremely skewed view of the world!

I doubt very much that (many - I'm sure there will be some) women change their feelings about their partners just because of childbirth.

Nor do I believe that many women "go off" sex after marriage / kids, it's just that they have so much else going on that the husband doesn't necessarily see (because he is off at work), and they don't have the energy / time for sex.

The only thing I'd sort of agree on is that (most) men are "wired" to look for sex more than (most) women.

That’s an interesting theory @AtYourPleasure . If I could have sex every day, I would. DH has a lower sex drive, so we aim for once a week, but it doesn’t always happen. And I always initiate. Been together for nearly 25 years and yes, we have children,

To be honest, @AtYourPleasure , you sound like you hate women.

@PTown - @AtYourPleasure did say that they were "was talking about this just the other night with a male friend." and that "His take on it", so I think it's the male friend that has an odd view..

Fair enough—then the friend sounds like he hates women.

I'm female and FYI, I disagree with my male friends views.

Although TBF, I'm probably not overly fussed on men these days! 🙈

🤣

Thanks. It's ok though, I get it. People don't know my history and personal circumstances, I didn't explain things properly so I was bound to get some negative comments. Anyway I don't wish to make this thread about me so I'll probably just leave it.

Maybe harsh, sorry. Your post conjured up images in my head, I imagine you getting dressed up and doing your hair all nice, going out for a lovely meal in a restaurant with your lover and shagging him all night long while your husband sits at home in a darkened room wanking to the cuckold porn he's become obsessed with.

I'm not sure what I'd see worth salvaging, obviously I've exaggerated it but don't you see your husband as lesser, diminished, a bit pathetic? Of course I don't know any more than what you've posted here, but why not just let him go?

Not at all. As I said I don't wish to tell the story of my marriage here but there's a lot I haven't said. I didn't fully get DH before and there's a lot I still struggle to understand but I don't see him as pathetic. He has a fetish (it doesn't actually matter how or why he developed it, it's here to stay) and we're dealing with it in a way that suits us both. No one's getting hurt (any more than they wish to be hurt, if that makes any sense) so why break up? We still love each other.

Be nice , you’ll be a lot happier in yourself ….
JaneM86 is clearly a nice , happy person..
She might have some pointers for you ..

Hi, please can I join this group? Together 30 years and married 24 and marriage has been sexless for years ( with maybe the odd holiday shag) it is awful to not be desired by DH. I love sex and the way it makes me feel
I would be really interested to hear from those on the other side, how did you turn it round? I keep hearing how women lose their sex drive but it is def DH who has lost his and I am not ready to give up

@katedan I'm not sure it can be turned around. For that to work, you both have to want to turn things around.

I've always suggested an honest & open conversation as the place to start.

After 10 years of a sexless marriage, I took my XW to a hotel for a weekend, and basically said "We're not leaving this room until we've spoken about our sex life" - it was harsh, and very hard, but probably the most honest conversation we'd had in years.

For her, a mix of menopause & depression had reduced her libido to pretty much zero (maybe four times a year?) - nearly five years after splitting up she still hasn't had a relationship, and in her own words "can't be bothered".

So, you may be on a hiding to nothing, and should consider what you want to do if there is no interest / improvement from your DH, but talk to him (and you may have to force things, as I did), see where it goes.

Thank you, neither of us want the marriage yo end. We are best friends. I have thought about an affair but epuld prefer we had an open agreement so there is no lying but don't think he would agree to that.

@katedan Hence the need for a completely open & honest conversation. How do you know, unless you ask?

These are not easy conversations, but it's that, "cheat", or just put up with things

Hence the need for a completely open & honest conversation. How do you know, unless you ask?

I asked @GentlemanJay if he had asked to open up his marriage and he said they'd been together so long he knew what his wife would say.

Therin lies the problem. We believe we know, but we can't actually know unless the conversation is had. I wonder if his partner knows about him playing away?

I’m glad to see this has started to take off, I obviously wanted it to be a supportive group.

@katedan welcome. The starting point has to be a conversation about his desires and urges. Does he still masturbate? If that urge is there than there must be hope, it’s probably a case of working out the specific psychological blockers. In my case, he says he doesn’t do that anymore either. He’s had blood tests but nothing shows as being a cause. He just doesn’t want to anymore

Doesn’t play away , he’s divorced

look at me paying attention to what other people say 😂

No need to ask his partner for an open marriage then! 😄

Average guy , can I ask a question please ..
After you & your wife had that honest conversation, how did things go , how come she’s your Ex ?

Of course. I have no issues with sharing.

We talked about lots of options, including an open marriage and me finding a "girlfriend", but the only one I felt comfortable with morally was separation & divorce.

We did "try again", but really, that ship had sailed, She wasn't interested in sex (see previous post!) or any kind of intimacy really, and I need that in a relationship.

I was fortunate enough to secure a job role that meant being away from home, so moved out.

It was very hard for both of us (particularly over lockdown, when I had to move back in!). But i honestly feel we are both happier now.

We still see each other regularly, and care for each other (as friends), and in some ways, we have a better relationship now, but there is, for whatever reason, zero attraction there.

I'm still single, casually looking for something serious, but enjoying myself in the meantime.