Sexless Marriages Support thread

[Aishabibi]

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again.

my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

😳

I was only making a joke of it. Last time I had sex George Bush was president of the US. Not sure I would be of help answering your question 😅

Hello all, I started this thread but had deleted my account as I thought someone had worked out who I was on another part of mumsnet and then got panicky they might find this thread where I have spoken openly about intimate matters. Nothing much has changed for me, still sexless, still have an open relationship that I haven’t acted on since the only time I mentioned before. Husband and I did have a weekend away recently , he took some pills at my insistence and we did have sex. It wasn’t a great experience, he was bored and disinterested…. I mean who yawns during a BJ! After he eventually finished himself off, we talked and I can honestly say I don’t think we will ever have sex again. He maintains that he wants the family life and is happy for me to get my sexual needs elsewhere but the stigma of divorce in our community means he wants to remain. He is a great dad, we do get on but clearly now as co-habitant friends. Sad.

Im so sorry, I know exactly how you feel. Trapped with no way out while not actually wanting out anyway. Its difficult to explain.

It really is, and while a have permission to look elsewhere for that side of things, I don’t want to

Thank you for coming back and giving an update. I've often wondered how you've been getting on. I, too, have continued here with a different username, but the same story. Things have developed a bit emotionally on my side, but not in terms of these marriage.

That’s really sad! Do you think you can live with that?

When you talked…did he say why?

@PTown say why about what? He says he has no real drive or urges anymore. I actually think he might be gay, a difficult thing in our community

So I'm back here again... Can't remember when I last posted.

We've gone through periods where all is good but then absolutely nothing.

I just think why do I keep putting myself through it? Every time I hope this is the catalyst for change it inevitably goes back to fuck all.

Otherwise the marriage is amazing. But I feel so fucking depressed at the though of carrying on like this for the rest of my life. I'm 40!

Even if I resign myself to it and take it off the table completely it's gone forever.

Is this what I want for myself? But conversely why would I give up an otherwise amazing man? And if I do how do I explain that to people? I feel like it would be betraying trust. I don't care what people think but it's not a quick and easy explanation is it?

What would you do? I am so down and so fed up and so very lost 🙁

Don't know why I'm posting. Just need to say it I guess.

@FuckNugget69 40 is very young. It's very easy to say "leave", but soon you'll be 50 and your perspective will be different then. I'm 59 (M).

There are lots of accounts here of women leaving relationships which were sexually unsatisfying, like yours, and finding something so much better that they can hardly believe it.

You're in a difficult position, I understand that.

@FuckNugget69 if you leave you don’t owe anyone an explaination. I am 49 and sex is very important to me. You sound like you are so empty right now and it isn’t surprising as you don’t feel desired in the way you want to. Marriage without sex is a friendship or an arrangement. He’s not amazing if he can’t meet your needs and be open about why sex is an issue, he is slowly torturing you.

@FuckNugget69 You could leave a great relationship that's also sexless and end up lonely and sexless. I'm not saying don't leave, that's your call, but don't do so wearing rose tinted glasses.
As @LochSunart says, there a people who leave and find what they're missing, but there are also those who leave, don't find what was missing, and end up with even less.

Thanks for the replies and support guys. Makes a difference knowing I can just get it off my chest in a safe space and know I'm not alone.

I get what you're saying @AnonAnonmystery that he isn't great if he's not meeting my needs. But in absolutely every other way he does. He adores me and I don't doubt that I'd ever find another man who treats me as well as he does. It's just that one area which is why I struggle. If he had another flaw it would be easier.

Obviously this isn't something I discuss (except for a very select few friends and only then it's recent) in real life. And they are always gobsmacked because until they found out we really are "couple goals" and they can't understand it especially because he openly flirts with me!

I was in the garden the other day in a tiny bikini because I have a very uneven tan from a beach holiday and he literally couldn't take his eyes off me. It made me feel amazing and desired.

Just looking at me like that would be enough to make us feel less like room mates. I've never been one to believe that your spouse should be your BEST friend. Who has sex with their best friend?

I just want something that separates us from what I have with my close friends.

Does that make sense?

I really cannot imagine life without him in it. He makes me laugh every day, is smokin' hot (not just me that says that!) and dotes on me.

So I'd be a fool to leave him. Just sometimes the lack of sex gets me down 😢

@mnmnddddd I know. The grass is always greener! I appreciate your comment.

Ultimately I'd probably end up with lots of sex but no relationship. Which may be the solution for the short term. But when I'm 80 is that what I want? No. It's him

I just have to get used to it. It's a big thing though. Not like his flaw is leaving the toilet seat up so more manageable if that makes sense?

If he can't take his eyes off you when you're in a state of undress, that's both confusing and an opportunity to start a propper conversation. Assuming you liked that he was looking, tell him how it made you feel desired. Then be curious (not accusatory) and invite him to share his feelings about how you don't have sex. From what you've said so far, seeing a sex therapist together might be a useful goal.

@FuckNugget69 what is his reason for not having sex if he fancies you? Does he have ED? It’s nice he looked at you like that, must have a felt good but frustrating. If my partner looks at me like that he will initiate sex shortly after or in the evening .

You post sounds so much like how I feel other than me being a male in the situation. I couldn't be without my wife, but I also lack the physical contact on a daily basis. I get hugs from my dog and feel love from that but that's it.

It's really confusing. He does get in the mood but it's very very rare. We've had very open conversations in the past and it just seems that sex genuinely doesn't cross his mind.

Very occasionally he'll instigate but when we do have sex I just want more because it wakes the beast and he's more of a one and done for a long time.

He does occasionally have ED issues. And he does have chronic health conditions too which I do understand.

We went away for the weekend a few months ago and made it clear that the weekend was purely about sex (this followed a long and honest conversation) and he took the initiative to get a private prescription for pills which took that pressure off him. It was an incredible weekend!

But since then? Basically nada.

It's like every time I reign myself to it being sexless it's offered up so I take it. Then the cycle starts again

It felt incredible to be looked at like that!

Been a long while since I posted here 👋

No movement for me either.

I do not think we will ever have sex again and for me, it feels like that is a big symptom of a wider selfishness and intransigence.

We bicker about a lot of stuff - money, he hasn't worked for ages although has thankfully just got a job offer.

He is away with kids now for 4 nights and honestly it's bliss. He's not "there" all the time. I can just go and do my stretches on the living room floor with no one there. It's so nice.

I am also constantly horny though. Every male jogger and cyclist I pass, every tradesman, every dad on the school run - my brain automatically checks them out.

I am just turned 47 and did not think this would be my life!

I'm so sorry to hear that.

Any idea how it has become that way for you too?

Can I be blunt and ask why you're still in the relationship? Not trying to be a twat.

Your whole post just seems very negative about the relationship 😕

But here in solidarity for the horniness!

@FuckNugget69 As I understand it, he has no need for a private prescription for ED medication. He can walk into any pharmacist and, under normal circumstances, walk out with a "blue pill". If he has underlying health conditions, he'd be nuts not to discuss those with the pharmacist before taking cardio-vascular medication, and they are probably worth addressing.

The bottom line is, he's looked at you and thinks your hot. That's what you need to work with, and if the rest of the relationship is good, everything else is collateral. (Unless you really want to fuck someone else.)