Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

An affair with Cocaine - serious so please don't add to MN Cliches!

301 replies

LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 13:53

Yes I've changed my name, not because I don't want you to know who I am. It is quite easy to guess who I am from other threads. I'm not hiding but for obvious reasons I don't necessarily want this directly related back to me forever more. I know some of you will know what my other name is but please don't out me directly on this thread.

so over is the preword; on with the show

DP uses it recreationally. I can't stand the fact, it drives me mad but we came to a compromise because he is fantastic except for this (I honestly can not fault him other than this). I have tried to ignore it and under the conditions of the compromise it works. He is very affectionate and loving an honest when he is using.

It bothers me so much but for as long as he was telling me when and how much I could cope with it, even though I didn't like it.

Lately he has started lying to me about it, he says this is because I will get cross. Well yes I will but I'd still rather he be honest with me.

I blew up at the weekend told him as he had started lying I thought he had a problem. He said but I wasn't out with him that night and he only lied because he knew I'd be pissed off (he's right) what does it really matter.

Now, we are both very laid back people. Leaving him would absolutely be the last resort. What should I do? He hasn't offered to knock it on the head completely. I feel like it will drive us apart if he continues using. He says coke isn't more important than me but I feel if he says he is going to stop then he will just lie to me about doing it. I'd rather know the truth however bad than be lied to.

How would you feel if you were in my shoes and your dp/dh used it? what would you do? Just interested, I really don't want to leave him but wonder if I have no choice.

I am considering showing him this thread to show him other mums reactions.

sorry this is a ramble/rant whatever. Not sure it even makes sense but perhaps can unravel it a bit more through the thread. I dunno. Just interested in seeing what the general consensus is. Perhaps I'm unreasonable and old before my time, perhaps I am a killjoy. I don't know. Thoughts/input/opinions/rants/disapproval/approval/questions whatever enything please!

OP posts:
noddyholder · 04/05/2005 13:57

how old is he?Do his friends all still indulge?As you get older the health risks become v worrying I have several old friends still using and they look and feel c**p Could you appeal to his vanity?It is a horrible drug IMO but is very hard to convince someone to stop if they don't want to.How often does he take it

HRHDuchessofPeahead · 04/05/2005 14:00

I can't really help because I am so anti-drugs that there is no way I would accept my dh using at all, whereas you seem to be OK with it as long as it stays within certain limits. I'm sorry, but it makes my blood run cold. A married man with children and responsibilities doesn't do coke regularly, spending money on it, unless he can't help himself. Which makes him an addict and which makes this all likely to spiral out of control. That is my view anyway. Get himto admit the problem to himself and seek help?

Sorry hope someone else posts who is of more help and is less dogmatic (and with more experience) than me

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 14:02

he is 28.

His friends and mine pretty much all use, the quantity varies depending on what's happening. My best friend is the worst and uses weekly. My take is her and her dps use is none of my concern.

I am the only one who has 'grown up' I have used recreational drugs in the past during my late teens and early 20's. I was heavily into recereational drugs during my late teens. What is it they say about reformed smokers are the worst complaining about smoking.

I haven't touched any sort of illegal drugs since I was about 21 and my use then was after a long period of nothing.

OP posts:
Blu · 04/05/2005 14:02

Hmmmm.
I have ended a previous relationship with someone whose life became enslaved to coke. Once too many times having an evening ruined while he waited for calls - all that carry-on, too much money spent, but underneath his problems were much deeper and coke was a vehicle - and an out of control one at that.
Now, I just get wound up by the ethical angle - the role of women in the cocaine trade is really horrible. And I wouldn't have much sympathy for any significant money drifting up a partners nose now that we have 'responsibilities'.
Dunno - if it's occasional, recreational and affordable, i wouldn't worry. But you ARE worrying, and I feel sure that that means you are right to worry and want him to change his ways.

I think you need to find an angle that pushes his buttons.

Sorry, don't know what else to suggest.

munz · 04/05/2005 14:03

one of my Ex's did it, had a serious habit, hence why he's now an EX I couldn't stand the lies the deciept, and basically the disrespect he had for me as he knew my feelings on the subject.

In my view my XP was lovely off of it, but horrible on it, I couldn't stand him and basically wasn't prepared to live a 'half' life as it were only when he was off of the drugs. you're not old b4 ur time, I was 19 when I was in the situation, would never never go there again.

good luck with it all. utimatly its ur choice.

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 14:03

pph - no I am very anti-drugs and I'm NOT ok with it under any circumstances however I do love him very much and the compromise was very strict and I'm not happy about it but it was the beginning of the end of his use iyswim.

OP posts:
Understand · 04/05/2005 14:04

f

Marina · 04/05/2005 14:05

I'm with M'Lady Pea on this one, so not much use to you really LemonDrizzle. This sounds like a worrying scenario if he is lying to you about using. Sorry, hope you get some more input from people who have RL experience of living with a drug user. You are not a killjoy. Your dp is either heading for addiction or already there.

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 14:05

munz - I do feel disrespected as he knows I feel very strongly.

I am trying to be understanding towards it/him but it makes me boil inside which makes it hard for me to talk rationally to him about it.

OP posts:
SenoraPostrophe · 04/05/2005 14:06

what is it about the coke taking you don't like, excatly? is it the during/after effects, the effects on his health, the money or just simply that you don't like it?

Either way I do have a bit of sympathy for him. Not that I'm on his side - in general i think most drug taking is a bit adolescent TBH - but I can see why he doesn't always tell you when he's taken it. If it was me and there was nothing else wrong with him I think I'd just keep quiet, assuming that it didn't actively affect my social life, that is.

FLUM · 04/05/2005 14:07

Do you do anything he doesn't like?

I think it is acceptable for people to do things their partner may not approve of. You are both adults and your differences should be celebrated.

If he is not reliant on coke to get throught the day, which it seems he isn't.

I think its ok, i would accept it. But can you? If not then you may have to leave him.

Is it a deal breaker?

FLUM · 04/05/2005 14:11

If you tell him you want him to stop and he wants to carry on then he WILL lie. Do you want that? It may be better to be understanding and not make it into a huge issue.

My dp uses light drugs to react. I don't but I used to. I don't judge him because I wouldn't want him to judge me. We are each others partners not each others mothers or consciences.

AngelCakeUmm · 04/05/2005 14:11

What is his reasons for taking it? Does he take it when he just goes on a night out? Or does he sit at home taking it on his own ?

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 14:11

Flum/SP - very valid and interesting points you make.

my dd's father is a man he loathes - he has accepted her without a second word on the subject.

I am sure I do things he doesn't like (not sure what though)

I don't know if coke is the deal-breaker or lying is the deal-breaker but I know one of the two is!

Part of me thinks if I leave it he will become an addict (if he isn't already) therefore I will be forced to leave him anyway for the sake of dd.

his use does not affect my social life, only my mood. He is very loving when he's high and has no comedown worse than any hangover he gets.

So as such it doesn't directly/obviously impact my life. if that makes sense

OP posts:
Understand · 04/05/2005 14:12

Sorry - I'll try again.

I understand exactly where you are coming from. We (DH and I) both dabbled with this before we got married. We did it together. Got married, moved abroad for a few years and I thought that was that - we agreed.

I discovered he had been doing it (after we had kids) and went mental - just thinking about it makes me furious and terrified. For us it entailed ever increasing sexual exploration (NOT something I want to remember).

He has very stressful job and said the pressure just gets to him now and again and it's escapism. I don't give a f... why, where, what you call it - it does not belong in our marriage and I have siad (and mean it) I will divorce him if I ever find out he's done it again!!

Not saying you should go there - don't know why your DH does, where, with who etc - but that he lies about is bad (like my DH).

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 14:13

FLUM, it is too late - I have already made it an issue and as of this weekend he has already started lying to me.

AngelCake - He would never sit at home and take it. He would take it at a party round someone house though.

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 14:14

understand, you choked me. That is how I feel (I think)

OP posts:
fastasleep · 04/05/2005 14:16

I did the whole 'I'll divorce you if you ever start doing it again' .... over smoking!! I think I'd blow my top at this one I really would... I'd probably demand that he had rehab or something really drastic like that... are you sure he knows how worried you are? I guess he does now that he's lying... I hope he gets the message, I would show him the thread...I hope you get somewhere with him!

FLUM · 04/05/2005 14:16

I think if you canlive with the 'light' recreational use I would accept it. That is not the same as condoning it. But if you 'force' him to lie it will put up a barrier between you.

Not to trivialise it but it is a little like a child being told not to do something it makes it all the more appealing.

It will give him something to moan to his mates about ie 'my x, hates me doing this blah blah blah

the alternative is to be totally reasonable about it and keep the subject out in the open. then it can always be discussed and you will know how much he is using and can make any judgements if you think he is becoming reliant on it

(from what i know it usually takes 2-5 years of recreational use for a dependancy to develop)

Now:

My gerbil uses coke, could it be pregnant?

Understand · 04/05/2005 14:18

My dh was becoming increasingly dependant. What sort of character is your dh - has he a lot or will power or is he a bit weak?

AngelCakeUmm · 04/05/2005 14:21

So is he doing it because he enjoys the buzz of it? Does he lack confidence? how often does he indulge?

juniperdewdrop · 04/05/2005 14:21

I really feel for you LD

I don't have much experience with drugs though a new friend used to be heavily into them. All I do know is my bro nearly died from drink until my SIL left him. He's been dry for 5 years now. We all thought it'd be the death of him but didn't blame her for leaving.

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 14:22

He has been using since I left him 4 years ago.

FLUM - How can I get back to open and honest?? How can I make him believe that if he tells me the truth I won't sulk/go into one? I would find it very hard not to but I am prepared to try if it stops him lying to me.

It would be so easy if he gave me a reason to tell him to stop - eg. got agressive or something but he doesn't. He worships me literally when he using, he dotes(sp?) on me, idolise me etc He doesn't ever have mood swings, he is always loving and supportive, he treats dd as his own

It would be so hard to leave him because of all of his fantastic traits but I don't want a row/lying every weekend. Equally I don't want addiction and lies around me or dd.

OP posts:
koalabear · 04/05/2005 14:23

ok, don't know much about this from a personal user perspective, but wanted to show support to you

i do know that, whatever the user tells him or her self, the substance is addictive, and its bad for you physically leading to long term physical and mental problems (it changes the chemistry in the brain) - people think they can control it, but in the end, it controls you

if it was my partner, i would try to talk to a drug counseller to find out the facts from the fiction, and then talk to him about my worries for his long term health, and ergo, our relationship, which in the end is what we are scared of .... losing the one we love

sorry not to be more help - thinking of you

Understand · 04/05/2005 14:28

Sorry not to be more sympathetic - I do feel for you I really do

It's just that the whole thing stirs up some strong emotions. I have to say I don't think coke and honesty go hand in hand - especially as you're not indulging together. It's not like an occasional spliff (not that I condone that either) - could you perhaps persuade him to go that route instead??