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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

An affair with Cocaine - serious so please don't add to MN Cliches!

301 replies

LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 13:53

Yes I've changed my name, not because I don't want you to know who I am. It is quite easy to guess who I am from other threads. I'm not hiding but for obvious reasons I don't necessarily want this directly related back to me forever more. I know some of you will know what my other name is but please don't out me directly on this thread.

so over is the preword; on with the show

DP uses it recreationally. I can't stand the fact, it drives me mad but we came to a compromise because he is fantastic except for this (I honestly can not fault him other than this). I have tried to ignore it and under the conditions of the compromise it works. He is very affectionate and loving an honest when he is using.

It bothers me so much but for as long as he was telling me when and how much I could cope with it, even though I didn't like it.

Lately he has started lying to me about it, he says this is because I will get cross. Well yes I will but I'd still rather he be honest with me.

I blew up at the weekend told him as he had started lying I thought he had a problem. He said but I wasn't out with him that night and he only lied because he knew I'd be pissed off (he's right) what does it really matter.

Now, we are both very laid back people. Leaving him would absolutely be the last resort. What should I do? He hasn't offered to knock it on the head completely. I feel like it will drive us apart if he continues using. He says coke isn't more important than me but I feel if he says he is going to stop then he will just lie to me about doing it. I'd rather know the truth however bad than be lied to.

How would you feel if you were in my shoes and your dp/dh used it? what would you do? Just interested, I really don't want to leave him but wonder if I have no choice.

I am considering showing him this thread to show him other mums reactions.

sorry this is a ramble/rant whatever. Not sure it even makes sense but perhaps can unravel it a bit more through the thread. I dunno. Just interested in seeing what the general consensus is. Perhaps I'm unreasonable and old before my time, perhaps I am a killjoy. I don't know. Thoughts/input/opinions/rants/disapproval/approval/questions whatever enything please!

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Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 18:42

I should explain, he was building a house for us on some land that he owns.

I have no financial interest/ties in the would-be property. It was intended that we moved there together and then I would rent my house out. We'd have no mortgage as such on it - perhaps a small one if we went all out

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Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 18:44

papillion, I think I find myself agreeing with you. There is no way we could distance ourselves from our friends without moving away and this isn't an option.

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noddyholder · 04/05/2005 18:45

He does sound like he is quite together in most aspects of his life then.Why do you really want him to stop ?

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 18:49

He is but at the end of the day cocaine is addictive. I have seen peoples lives ruined by drugs.

From a selfish point of view I would like to go out and be on a level playing field with him, both have a drink, have a good ime and go home. Not have to stay up all night with his our friends and listening to them all have the same conversation for the nth time!

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bundle · 04/05/2005 18:50

that's my take on drugs too, boring. just think of all the other things he could be doing...

hub2dee · 04/05/2005 18:52

What an exciting (and potentially stressful) project, Drizz !

It will undoubtedly entail an increase in time together, and a meeting of minds in terms of positioning, style, layout... I hope the increased need for communication will bring you closer together and you will be more able to pin him down on the coke.

Just out of interest, would you be able to (and would you desire) financial involvement in the house ? Otherwise you don't really have any emotional / financial investment in it / him... (aside from the fact that presume you might share the rental income from your flat as some kind of contribution to the expense of building / running the new house)...

hub2dee · 04/05/2005 18:56

Drizz: sounds like you are growing older, wiser, more mature and frankly bored of the old drug scene.

You posted "People who talk crap at me when on drugs really f*cks me off" before... maybe you've seen it doesn't really get anyone anywhere.... it's not realy very clever / creative / magical in the cold light of day... particularly when it gets out of hand.

hub2dee · 04/05/2005 18:57

(Just to calrify before someone gets the wrong end of the stick... I meant EXTRA emotional / financial involvement IYSWIM...) in my post a couple back.

noddyholder · 04/05/2005 19:00

agree you have grown up thats all!

Enid · 04/05/2005 19:01

you do sound as though you have grown up. are you older than your dp?

WideWebWitch · 04/05/2005 19:03

Hi lemondrizzle. I have no idea who you are but I think all those who say if this is bothering you then it is a problem are right. I'm also surprised that you don't know how much/how often he's using - the fact that you don't suggests to me that he's probably doing too much and making damn sure you don't know. I don't think the odd line of Coke is the end of the world but I do think a serious habit is bad, bad news (and I also think there's a huge difference between the two). ExpatinScotland obviously knows what she's talking about, wise words from her, esp about his being unlikely to give it up for you if he's an addict. He will only be able to give up if HE wants to give up. Anyone who is lying about their use of any drug v likely has a problem imo (an AA joke for you - neighbour to man: 'ooh, that's a lot of bottles you're putting in the bin, you an alcoholic?' man to neighbour 'Nope, if I was an alcoholic I'd be putting them in your bin' Good luck with this.

WideWebWitch · 04/05/2005 19:05

And I totally agree, drug addicts and alkies are BORING!

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 19:13

I'm younger than him by a few years but I have had a less blessed life than him and I guess, at the end of the day, I am a parent.

H2D, I can't really afford to contribute to the build but I would desppretely like to. I am a single mum with no financial support from dd's father, I own my own house and pay all my bills, dd is in a costly nursery while I work. I have no dispoable income tbh.

We will share the cost of runing the house and incur any debts related together however I will not seel my house as if anything went wrong, I would have no property, I'd have no stake in this house as it will be built through his (and his dads) business on their land etc.

it's relly good to be talking about this stuff actually. I was so aprehensive about starting this because of the topic. I thought you'd all come down on me like a ton of bricks for wanting to work it out and not just kick him out.

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Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 19:23

I think I may ask him to read this if nobody minds. I think there is some really good points here and certainly some things that might trigger discussion.

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hub2dee · 04/05/2005 19:28

Hey Drizz, there won't be a tonne of bricks falling on you because we can read from your text that you sound like you have a pleasantly screwed on head, and we can read of your calmness, and we can read he seems to treat you well (drugs aside you say he is tender to your dd etc. etc.), so no one would say dump him and eff off without giving it a real go, but there's something that doesn't sit right in the scene of domestic bliss... and you know that it needs to be addressed for your comfort. You need to look out for your future, and that of dd.

Allow me to be an ass for a moment (some may argue you couldn't tell the difference ... this house could be built (say 4 months to 1 year ?) and he could turn around and say it needs to be sold for profit, or I want someone else to live there to create a rental income etc. etc. and you are no far further forward in the relationship (although agree it might end up not very different to today)....

You might have little / no disposable income, but you've achieved a roof over your head, and it sounds like bills get paid, and the house / flat is yours. Perhaps that's a not inconsiderable achievement from someone who has lived a life 'less blessed'

You say you can't contribute, but you may want to consider the emotional investment you want to both make in your life together going forward IYSWIM...

I'd only ever suggest selling your house if you then jointly owned the new one, and even then you'd need to feel 1000% secure in your hopes for your future together.

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 19:36

H2D, I will never have a stake in the property it will be owned by the property company. I will not sell my house. I need something t fall back on.

I don't do badly, I earn a decent wage and don't get me wrong I haven't had a hard life by any means. I wouldn't want to give you the wrong impression. However he's 28 still lives with his parents, doesn't pay rent, has no bills, car is paid for by the company... basically has an easy life. iyswim.

If his dad found out I think it would seriously jeopardise his situation. I have threatened to tell him but I think dp knows that I would never cause that much harm to his family, his future, our future etc I really don't know what his dad would do.

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hub2dee · 04/05/2005 19:44

Drizz: there's always a way - shares in the property company etc. (I can see this is quite probably either a long way off or an impossibility, but you get my drift.... BTW - am not saying this is desirable).

OK, sorry if I got the wrong end of the stick on 'less blessed' - sounds like he just has it kushy / well sorted !

misdee · 04/05/2005 19:52

LD just read your original post. in your shoes, i did leave. i used to use some chemicals in my raving days, but pretty much stopped 4years ago (i went off the rails badly after dd1 was born). dh didnt stop, and when he stopped takign he started dealing small time. so i left, took the kids with me. it took a year of him making promises and basically we cut off the old crowd so no temptations and got on with life.

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 20:06

unfortunately cutting off our friends is not an option.

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WideWebWitch · 04/05/2005 20:12

Why not if they're all drug users? And boring with it by the sound of it.

WideWebWitch · 04/05/2005 20:13

I think you know this is possibly going nowhere too if you are thinking in terms of not selling your house because you're worried about losing your security.

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 20:16

Because we live in a village. My work is here, both our families are here, my friends, our friends, are life long friends

I've done nothing wrong, why should I up and leave my life(?) besides he would never move away from his family and friends. He has grown up here, he went to play school with his friends.

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Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 20:16

www, no I am just a bit anal. I worry about consequences in actions. I would never commit to a plan A without a plan B.

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munz · 04/05/2005 21:15

fraid I gotta say it, and don't know if it's been said b4 as not fully read the thread, but in ur position with a DD i'd have to kick him into touch, don't know if he uses around her etc or not but i'd def not stick around to let the DD have any contact / dealings with it iycwim, I don't mean by letting her use or whatever I only mean by her seeing things she perhaps shouldn't do.

end of the day hon, it's ur call and ultimatly up to you to decided, I just think it's not very fair on u and DD, but then again bad experiernces and all. would it be worth saying to him right sort ur self out well settle down u move in we'll be a family etc... if u come off of the drugs? (or course if thats what u want) in my experience things will only get worse if hes hiding his drug use etc..

hope it all works out for you, but have somewhere safe for you and DD incase.

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 21:34

have just ruined dinner due to no concentration. Feel crappy. Torn as to whether to show him this or not

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