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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

An affair with Cocaine - serious so please don't add to MN Cliches!

301 replies

LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 13:53

Yes I've changed my name, not because I don't want you to know who I am. It is quite easy to guess who I am from other threads. I'm not hiding but for obvious reasons I don't necessarily want this directly related back to me forever more. I know some of you will know what my other name is but please don't out me directly on this thread.

so over is the preword; on with the show

DP uses it recreationally. I can't stand the fact, it drives me mad but we came to a compromise because he is fantastic except for this (I honestly can not fault him other than this). I have tried to ignore it and under the conditions of the compromise it works. He is very affectionate and loving an honest when he is using.

It bothers me so much but for as long as he was telling me when and how much I could cope with it, even though I didn't like it.

Lately he has started lying to me about it, he says this is because I will get cross. Well yes I will but I'd still rather he be honest with me.

I blew up at the weekend told him as he had started lying I thought he had a problem. He said but I wasn't out with him that night and he only lied because he knew I'd be pissed off (he's right) what does it really matter.

Now, we are both very laid back people. Leaving him would absolutely be the last resort. What should I do? He hasn't offered to knock it on the head completely. I feel like it will drive us apart if he continues using. He says coke isn't more important than me but I feel if he says he is going to stop then he will just lie to me about doing it. I'd rather know the truth however bad than be lied to.

How would you feel if you were in my shoes and your dp/dh used it? what would you do? Just interested, I really don't want to leave him but wonder if I have no choice.

I am considering showing him this thread to show him other mums reactions.

sorry this is a ramble/rant whatever. Not sure it even makes sense but perhaps can unravel it a bit more through the thread. I dunno. Just interested in seeing what the general consensus is. Perhaps I'm unreasonable and old before my time, perhaps I am a killjoy. I don't know. Thoughts/input/opinions/rants/disapproval/approval/questions whatever enything please!

OP posts:
hub2dee · 04/05/2005 16:36

Drizz, do you think he should stop for you ?

ie. assuming he says 'I am not addicted and enjoy it,' could you say, fair enough, you may be right, but pls do it for me.... kind of regardless of who is right or wrong, or if it would / wouldn't escalate... or is this 'external control' anathema to you and him ?

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 16:40

hub2dee, I think he might lie to me if I say that and the I would have no choice but to leave him.

Writing that down does it just mean I am avoiding the inevitable? do I already know in my heart of hearts he won't stop for me? I never thought about that before but writing down the above it would seem that way wouldn't it?

Am I scared to ask him? I am scared of the consequences? Am I strong enough to follow through if I threaten him? gosh.

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 16:41

of course should read 'am I scared of the consequences' slip of the tongue, I hope.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 04/05/2005 16:43

Ah, hub, there's the rub. IME, when a user stops using - be it booze, fags, coke, anything addictive - it has to be b/c he or she wants to stop being that person who uses. Show me someone who says, 'I quit for my girlfriend, boyfriend, mother, whatever', and I'll show you someone who is still addicted.

'I quit b/c I didn't like the person I'd become when I was smoking/snorting/drinking, etc. and I really let myself and those who love me down,' is someone who really and truly wants to change.

Selfish, but true.

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 16:44

expat - I think you are absolutely right there.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 04/05/2005 16:47

I learned the hard way, Drizzle, through my own experience.

And believe me, I lost a lot. Money, jobs, friends, lovers, a house, etc. I'm just now starting my life and I'm 34 years old. My entire 20s and the first year of my 30s were drowned in alcohol.

expatinscotland · 04/05/2005 16:51

So none of this beating yourself up there, Lemon, trying to figure out how you could have supported him more, been there for him, been less of a nag, etc.

B/c you can't do fuck all for a person who cannot and will not stop using and lying about it.

Understand · 04/05/2005 16:54

School run got in the way of this conversation - sorry

I think Expat speaks a lot of sense. In the end of the day it is not really about the coke alone -it's the lying i.e. the trust. If he has lied about that, what else? I'm not saying that about your dp but my experience nearly turned me into a pocket emptying, briefcase snooping, mobile checking monster. All my instincts told me to rummage through everything but then I went all cold and horrified at what HE had done to me. I refuse to go there and would rather be single mum - I am not a raging snooping jealous screaming wifey but it nearly made me and sometimes I still have to stop myself.

In the end of the day it may not be a "big deal" to some people but if it is to you then it is -very articulate I am

I hope you find a way of dealing with it.

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 16:56

I know this is not my fault and I do not think of it as a reflection on me.

I do need to work out some way forward. In whatever direction that might be. It my be a direction we walk in together, it may not.

I am hoping this thread will help me think things through. Get an idea of what other people might think. Think about things more rationally by getting some things of my chest.

If I turn to close friends - they use so are biased. Who else is there?

OP posts:
FLUM · 04/05/2005 17:17

Hope you manage to reach some conclusions. he sounds a generally good chap and you sound very level headed so i'm sure you will reach a good position.

hopefully he will get bored with it before it sucks him under. but just keep aware of whats going on so you can get yourself and your child out of situation if needs must i guess.

praps a baby would help

hub2dee · 04/05/2005 17:17

expat - agree with your sentiment, but I think it is possible for other people to be MAJOR influences in one person's decision to stop... (although I do agree at the end of the day they are the individual carrying out the action)...dw, for example, stopped smoking very very soon after we met because I simply said 'me or the fags' - I had / have low tolerance for them (plus they make my asthma worse), and I would be incapable of remaining with someone I loved who would hurt themselves with this addictive poison.... in a way it would hurt me to see them hurt themselves IYSWIM...

Drizz: At the end of the day, other people's opinions on this are relevant, informative, interesting, but it is YOU and your dd, who would be closest to this, and most affected by any resulting outcomes (which, let's be clear could be absolutely nothing aside from comedowns as bad as hangovers - how often ??? or could escalate into a more serious problem / affect work etc. etc.).

I noticed that you posted you didn't live together but that dp stays over every night. Would you like any kind of evolution wrt this ? (moving in together / new place together) - what happens at weekends ? Or is your arrangement fine with you ?

noddyholder · 04/05/2005 17:19

a baby would not help!

FLUM · 04/05/2005 17:26

ooohhh it was a joke noddyholder

noddyholder · 04/05/2005 17:27

sorry flum!

morningpaper · 04/05/2005 17:40

How often is he doing it Lemondrizzle? (don't think you've answered this so far?)

Do you know how much he uses?

What job does he do that he can afford it?!?!?!

astonished · 04/05/2005 18:11

As someone who has been right where you are now, I have a few bits of advice for you to take or leave, it is so different for everyone isn't it?

Don't turn the other cheek if you are unhappy, you have a right to feel the way you do. He needs to know the consequences of his actions on you and your relationship. If this means arguements then arguements it will have to be. The only way he will truely see the impact of his drug use is if you are completely honest.

Get him help (if he wants it), if he does decide to give up it will be hard on his own, and you can't solely be his support. If there comes a time when he admits he has a problem then perhaps it may also be an idea to change his group of friends, or not see them for a bit. It is so hard to give up when everyone around you thinks it is acceptable.

Lastly, and I'm sorry but I have to say this. He may otherwise be perfect now but don't underestimate the affects of drug abuse later on in life. My dp gave up eight years ago, he has aged terribly, he is agressive, he has memory problems and he is angry at his old life. These are all changes which have taken place gradually but i'm sure and so is he they are due to years of coke abuse.

I sincerely hope he realises that there is life without coke and takes steps towards making a change. Take care xx

ark · 04/05/2005 18:14

somebody very close to me used to have a real coke 'problem' - and the fact you say he does pills every so often alarmed me as this landed my friend in hospital, seriously ill and she has never fully recovered. I think the problem is where does this coke problem lead to? Especially worrying if you feel you are not being told the truth!

If this were me - I would worry about DD, what message is it sending her about drugs? How do you feel about that message? How exposed is she to this?

What an awful situation for you. I am loath to make suggestions not knowing your relationship - if it were me I would get out before the relationship got more involved. However, why not test the water and as a first step - I would just beg him to be honest with you and fully explain why. HTH

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 18:19

At the moment I do not know how much he is using, how often or how much he is spending.

Thank you all for your comments, it has been very interesting and thought provoking.

I am not sure who asked about the living arrangements, hub2dee, I think. We are in the process of beginning to build a house together. Once it is finished we will move in together but that is realistically a couple of years away yet. That was the plan anyway.

had to lol @ FLUM and baby comment

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 18:24

ark, sorry you posted while I was catching up.

dd is not currently exposed at all, however if we were to stay together and the use continued then I don't know.

I know that none of you can make my decision for me and I certainly don't expect you to but this thread has stopped it bubbling inside me and started e thinking about possibilities, solutions, outcomes, ways forward.

None of this is clear in my mind but I do feel that this has been very beneficial.

OP posts:
bundle · 04/05/2005 18:27

lemonddrizzle, have to disagree, if you are bothered by this then your dd is affected

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 18:31

I'm not sure how curently bundle, I've not changed my mood in front of her and she doesnt dp in the evenings.

It is on my mind but I'm not an overly emotional person. You would never know I had something on my mind from the way I am on outside.

OP posts:
bundle · 04/05/2005 18:33

lemondrizzle, children can pick up on v subtle differences.

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 18:37

she hasn't shown anything I don't think.

If anything though I have noticed she is much more loving and clingy towards dp, cuddling him and telling him she loves him using 'daddy d' in front of his name and her fathers name after 'daddy s'. This is recent.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 04/05/2005 18:39

do you think he will just get bored with it or is it more serious than that? do you think he is in a position to go into something as serious as building a house with this problem and I think it is a problem or he would stop

Papillon · 04/05/2005 18:42

I have tried to read most of this thread. I am kinda echoing and sayng my bit what hub2dee has said about your friends using. Hope I am not repeating what has already been said... You mentioned awhile back that your friends use doesn't directly affect me. But it DOES LM. Standard philosophy with a person in drug rehab is distance yourself and finish relationships with people who will encourage you to use etc. Why, because 9/10 times a person will use again. Your dh does not sound like he need rehab I might add, its just the ethos I am using as a e.g.

Your dh is still young though. From my perspective that is. I have loads of friends who smoke and have used A-Z of drugs. The majority of them wean off as they get into their 30´s. Some still smoke, and many of them have very good responsible jobs. They like to chill with a smoke rather than a drink.

While it pisses you off he uses. The consequences of losing friendships you value and still wish to have in your life; and the fact you find him otherwise fab means that as far I as can see you and he need to sit down and be honest abut how you are going to contine with coke in your lives. Because it does not look like it is about to leave in the short term.

LemonDrizzles dh - I know she might be pissed off - but you NOT being honest and NOT telling her you took coke or LSD whatever will jeopardise the relationship MORE - because lying has a habit of being habitual also.