An affair with Cocaine - serious so please don't add to MN Cliches!

[LemonDrizzle]

Yes I've changed my name, not because I don't want you to know who I am. It is quite easy to guess who I am from other threads. I'm not hiding but for obvious reasons I don't necessarily want this directly related back to me forever more. I know some of you will know what my other name is but please don't out me directly on this thread.

so over is the preword; on with the show

DP uses it recreationally. I can't stand the fact, it drives me mad but we came to a compromise because he is fantastic except for this (I honestly can not fault him other than this). I have tried to ignore it and under the conditions of the compromise it works. He is very affectionate and loving an honest when he is using.

It bothers me so much but for as long as he was telling me when and how much I could cope with it, even though I didn't like it.

Lately he has started lying to me about it, he says this is because I will get cross. Well yes I will but I'd still rather he be honest with me.

I blew up at the weekend told him as he had started lying I thought he had a problem. He said but I wasn't out with him that night and he only lied because he knew I'd be pissed off (he's right) what does it really matter.

Now, we are both very laid back people. Leaving him would absolutely be the last resort. What should I do? He hasn't offered to knock it on the head completely. I feel like it will drive us apart if he continues using. He says coke isn't more important than me but I feel if he says he is going to stop then he will just lie to me about doing it. I'd rather know the truth however bad than be lied to.

How would you feel if you were in my shoes and your dp/dh used it? what would you do? Just interested, I really don't want to leave him but wonder if I have no choice.

I am considering showing him this thread to show him other mums reactions.

sorry this is a ramble/rant whatever. Not sure it even makes sense but perhaps can unravel it a bit more through the thread. I dunno. Just interested in seeing what the general consensus is. Perhaps I'm unreasonable and old before my time, perhaps I am a killjoy. I don't know. Thoughts/input/opinions/rants/disapproval/approval/questions whatever enything please!

Hi Drizz, I think just thinking you can show him is a great sign of your trust in his behaviour, reaction and your interest in his (and your) well-being.

I'd show Mr. Drizzle so he can get a feel for where you're coming from, how concerned you are etc. He'll either think you're a bit mad posting on mumsnet, and he'll refuse to modfy his behaviour or he'll think you're a bit mad and agree to modify his beahviour.

So, Mr. Drizzle, aside from your girl being a bit mad - what do you choose to do about your, ahem, habit ?

he's sat next to me. not got the guts.

I really think you should and I have read all of this, during the day, but the decision has to be yours.

Tell Mr. Drizzle that there's a bloke posting on here (if you didn't notice I am a hub2 dw dee and he (me) is wondering if he (Mr. Drizzle) might like to learn something about his girlfriend ?

Then just show him the very top of this text - change the window size so he doesn't need to see everything just yet.

Good evening. Your partner is a little bit concerned about an aspect of your behaviour. She really likes you and loves how you are with her daughter, but there's something that's seriously worrying her. About you. Do you want to know what it is and could you conceive of addressing something to keep her sweet ?

Hi, lemondrizzle (and your partner if you are reading this)

I think you're had some great advice, lots of thought-provoking stuff. I can't say what I'd do, but I wonder if you are much more worried about the future than you are admitting to yourself?

The house-building plans sound exciting. Your partner sounds like he's a good man who loves you, but... How much really do you believe he will carry throught his aims? You say he is living an easy life with his parents, has never been tested by life, so are you afraid he will not make his dreams reality? IMO it's wise to keep some independence from a partner and to think practically of your own future, but are you reallu holding back from committment to him for more than these reasons?

At the moment, the way you are living does not seem to test your relationship - you don't have to share your money and you both have your own homes to go to, for instance.

You say you have grown up, and that implies you are thinking hard about your future together. IMO drug taking is a stumbling block. Serious addiction to any drug will eat away at your joint finances, for a start. The possible effects of the coke, the lies, the arguments could sap your partners motivation to build this house.

I don't know what to suggest, but please do take your fears seriously, face up to them and share them with your partner.

Can I just point something out here?

It's illegal!!!!

If, in the near future, you ever had any dealings with the Social services, how would you feel about seeing "Mother is in a relationship with a drug user" on your daughter's case notes?

Everyone here has shown you a pretty relaxed attitude to drug use. The police do not take a relaxed attitude to drug use. They certainly do not take a relaxed attitude to drug users who are in close contact with young children.

Cocaine is a class "A" drug. It seems to have become more acceptable to the middle classes simply because it is expensive. It still carries a penalty of imprisonment.

Sorry to have come down so hard, but I think I had to, because nobody else has. Would you like your daughter to be known to the teachers at school as the child who lives with a drug user?

Is it any better if they don't know?

Im kinda with you on this one Colditz. Bit of a hardliner on this I'm afraid, never dabbled with anything myself but seen the effect it has had ("Charlie and "E") on some distant family members and the story ALWAYS seems to be the same...starts off as "recreational" or "something to relieve the stress" then progresses, slowly but surely to "becoming an issue", before culminating in serious and devastating consequences. Interests me that it always seems to be the woman in the relationship that ends up taking the hard line, usually for the sake of the children. I' am sure as anybody could bethat my DH would never touch the stuff, if he did then he'd be out, absolutely would not tolerate it because of the path I think it would take......

Over time, hopefully, your friends will get bored of drugs, or move on? That's the only optimistic future I can see for this. (Or maybe one or two will run into real problems, and your dp can see it could happen to him? Or has this already happened, and he still sees himself as immune?)

I'm not hardline anti, although I've never done coke myself (hyper enough naturally), I have a few friends who take it, or have taken it, very recreationally, a few times a year, with no visible bad effects. I certainly used to take some drugs, but stopped long before starting to try to conceive kids, for obvious reasons.

I don't know how I'd feel about a partner taking drugs, when we had kids. If it was very occasional, and kept away from the kids, I think I'd be ok. I don't see a big automatic difference between drugs and alcohol. (That being said, DH and I probably have a maximum of about two units of alcohol per week.) If there was any sign of addiction (to drugs or alcohol), we'd have big problems.

I know you don't know (any more) how often he uses, but what happens when coke isn't available? Do you guys ever go on holiday without your friends? Or is he ever so busy with work that he can't party? Is he ok then, or does he want to go off and find some?

Hi, I gave him this to read during Desperate Housewives last nigh. Hub2Dees last post was the first new one I read this morning (I knew you were a guy btw)

We pretty much didn't speak between then and bedtime. I tried to kick-off the talking a few times but didn't get very far. He just kept clamming up, a couple of sentences and then "I don't know what you want me to say" errrmmmm hello??? I want you to tell me what you think and how you feel.

He said he would stop using, I said I think that just means he will lie to me about it. He basically said, would I mind if he did it just when we went out clubbing and at big parties (this was our original agreement). I pointed this out to him and said that the lies were outside of that agreement and why had he broken it and started lying - his answer was "I don't know" my response "how do I know you can stick to it this time if you couldn't last time" his "I don't know" I asked what makes him take it then and guess what, he doesn't know

I know I sound a little more fraught about it today but "I don't know" just doesn't wash with me. HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW FFS!!!

In answer to NQC, if we go out on our own he won't use. If I'm really kicking off about it when we're out with mates he won't use.

I don't know about my friends, I thought my best friends would stop using when she met her dp and he was very anti... unfortunately she has got him using instead

Sorry for the long post

Lemon, this is a bit of a belated post because I've been offline for a while and just came across this thread. It's too long for me to read the whole thing and someone's no doubt said this already but my first thought in your situation would be: do I want my daughter to become a drug addict? Do I want her to get the message that illegal drugs are OK? There are other issues here and all of them lead to the same conclusion but that would be my top priority. And don't kid yourself that she won't know - pretty damn soon - what's going on.

Sorry if that sounds unsympathetic - just my gut reaction - I do feel for you and really hope you can sort this one out. Get outside help if you need to (health professionals, drugs organisations).

Hugs.

Lemondrizzle, it's not looking good tbh, is it? Sorry, I wish you'd had a better response from him. Maybe you will when he's had some time to think about it? (this will only apply if he's not an addict though, if he's an addict the drug will come before everything ime)

He would never take professional help.

Also

I will not allow it to become odvious to my dd, I will kick him to the curb before that happens but in all honestly finishing it with him is my very last option and one which I would like to avoid at all costs if possible.

Colditz

You have echo'ed my thoughts. It is illegal.

If he is a responsable adult, he should stop doing this illegal act. If he is caught then it will have serious consequences for your life together.

Actually if he is not caught, but carries on doing it, then that will have serious consequences for your life together.

I know I wouldn't tolerate it. IMO if he can't give this up, he doesn't value the family life that you share with him. tell him to GROW UP.

LemonDrizzle, it does sound like he's got some control. The lying isn't totally incomprehensible to me - if it's his money, and his nose, it's really his own decision to use or not, particularly as you've been (historically) ok with him having some.

But it sounds like that compromise has fallen apart, and you'll have to see how things go. I think your conversation last night sounds like it went pretty well, considering.

He didn't say "I will absolutely stop, I know I can", but then, if he had, would you have believed him? It would have just sounded like a brazen lie.

He didn't say "I'll take if I want to, it's my business" - he cares that it bothers you.

I think "I will stop, I don't know how, and I don't know why I took it" is an honest response. Let's hope his self-control is up for it. Does he have friends he can go out with who don't use?

don't know if anyone has asked this but do you know who is supplying the stuff? they need locking up!

Easy is right, Lemon. (When I suggested outside help, I actually meant advice for you, in the first instance anyway. Just a thought.) IME children are scarily aware of what's going on with their parents, much earlier and to a much deeper extent than the parents suspect. Believe me, one way or another your DD will suss this out. And even if she didn't, it is already affecting her through the affect it is having on your relationship with your DH.

IMO drug use in a partner is just about tolerable. Drug use in a father is NOT.

well driz - cold has said it all really about ur DD/school, my mum teaches 4/5 yr old and half of her little one's parents r users, the parents will say little jonny or whom ever doesn't see/ know but from what happens in the class room it's v clear the children do see these things. I don't mean to have a go and i'm sure u're an excellent mum or why else would u be worried here, but as prev said what would u think if u'd read ur situation in a paper or somehting to the effect of 'child dies after drugs O/D due to neglagent partner of mother' or something.

hope fully u'll be able to resolve things, althou he won't get help/stop or anything until he admits he has a problem and actually wants to stop. whats' the phrase - u can show him the door but he has to want to walk thru it to stop or something isn't it?

I know the names of two of his suppliers (I think) but there is definately one more at least. I don't know when he get's it. Also his mates have sources.

The friends he has who don't do it are settled with kids so don't go out so much.

He did say one key thing last night - he said that he hadn't realised just how worried I was until he read this and also that he didn't realise we were so close to splitting up. He was very subdued and I honestly think he just didn't know what to say. Hopefully he was reflecting a little. He sleepily told me he loved me more than anything this morning and asked for a cuddle (we didn't fall asleep cuddling last night and we normally do) I know that doesn't sound like much but it seemed very strange.

He said he would stop if he had to, I don't know if it's realistic to expect him to stop completely under the circumstances.

He has said that he won't lie to me about it anymore and the reason he lies is because he knows I'll get cross. I've said I'd rather know and try not to get cross than him lie. I did say that at least if he tells me when and how much if anything happened to him while using I'd be able to tell doctors etc

I'm not holding my breath for a resolution, I can only see what happens tonight and over the weekend. I think I will ask him to read the posts since he last read it at some point.

We are supposed to be goin gout clubbing on Sat night for someones birthday, I'm not sure I want to go at the moment

but he's not her father franch.

If he's an occasional user, then why isn't it realistic to expect him to stop altogether?

Or do you believe he is truly addicted?

I don't think I'd want to go out on Sat in the circs either Lemondrizzle but those are wise words from NQC, sorry, maybe I was over negative about his response. Wait and see how he decides to proceed I think.

No, he's not her father, but he's your partner and around her enough for her to call him 'Daddy'. Being a father isn't just about biology.

OK and just to be clear - this IS NOT in MY house.

This IS NOT around my dd

He will have to choose between coke and us before we live together. Realistically that is over 2 years away my immediate concern is that we won't last 2 years if this continues!

Well, it sounds like you're both being reasonable, and talking it through.

One thing I've found worked well when (ages ago) I found myself drinking too much was to give up for a set time - a month did the trick. It resets your habits, you learn you can totally do without it, and you naturally start up again with a lot less usage.

Would it work for him to quit for a month? He could show you that he does care about this, it would give his system a break, and a chance to see what life would be like without coke. If after a month, he feels the compulsion to take loads and loads, well, you know he's got a problem. If he goes back to very occasional use, then all's well.

No being a father isn't just about biology but at the same time I can't yell at him

"What do you think it will do to your/our daughter"

I can't use her as leverage.