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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

An affair with Cocaine - serious so please don't add to MN Cliches!

301 replies

LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 13:53

Yes I've changed my name, not because I don't want you to know who I am. It is quite easy to guess who I am from other threads. I'm not hiding but for obvious reasons I don't necessarily want this directly related back to me forever more. I know some of you will know what my other name is but please don't out me directly on this thread.

so over is the preword; on with the show

DP uses it recreationally. I can't stand the fact, it drives me mad but we came to a compromise because he is fantastic except for this (I honestly can not fault him other than this). I have tried to ignore it and under the conditions of the compromise it works. He is very affectionate and loving an honest when he is using.

It bothers me so much but for as long as he was telling me when and how much I could cope with it, even though I didn't like it.

Lately he has started lying to me about it, he says this is because I will get cross. Well yes I will but I'd still rather he be honest with me.

I blew up at the weekend told him as he had started lying I thought he had a problem. He said but I wasn't out with him that night and he only lied because he knew I'd be pissed off (he's right) what does it really matter.

Now, we are both very laid back people. Leaving him would absolutely be the last resort. What should I do? He hasn't offered to knock it on the head completely. I feel like it will drive us apart if he continues using. He says coke isn't more important than me but I feel if he says he is going to stop then he will just lie to me about doing it. I'd rather know the truth however bad than be lied to.

How would you feel if you were in my shoes and your dp/dh used it? what would you do? Just interested, I really don't want to leave him but wonder if I have no choice.

I am considering showing him this thread to show him other mums reactions.

sorry this is a ramble/rant whatever. Not sure it even makes sense but perhaps can unravel it a bit more through the thread. I dunno. Just interested in seeing what the general consensus is. Perhaps I'm unreasonable and old before my time, perhaps I am a killjoy. I don't know. Thoughts/input/opinions/rants/disapproval/approval/questions whatever enything please!

OP posts:
hub2dee · 04/05/2005 15:02

Phew.

FLUM: It's an interesting point: Judge, but not voice judgement, Opine but not police... is there an argument that by not communicating your judgement you are being 'less true to each other' so to speak... and that one should strive for increased truth in our relationships... ? Hmm...

swiperfox · 04/05/2005 15:06

Hiya LemonDrizzle. Myself and dp both did a fair bit together before we had the little ones. Never to an extreme but pretty much every weekend. In fact - everyone we were out with did it at the weekends!! We both decided to knock it on the head when i fell pregnant and we haven't had any ever since (dd is only 3) If i thought he had had some i dont think i'd be too bothered - if he lied about it i think it would only be because he was feeling guilty about doing it when we'd agreed not to.
Is he using an awful lot or wasting a lot of money on it? If that's the case then i would confront him about it and point out that he's being unfair but if it's purely a weekend thing i would try to talk to him casually about it so that he learns to realise that he doesn't have to lie and you aren't going to hit the roof every time he does it.

Hope you get it sorted out

FLUM · 04/05/2005 15:07

hub2dee. ermm yeah v. deep. I guess I just don't want to be a nag. My mum was one and I can still hear it ringing in my ears.

expatinscotland · 04/05/2005 15:10

I couldn't have my child around someone who used, or use myself. And I wouldn't 'nag' someone - they'd be perfectly free to use, just w/o me in their life.

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 15:17

that's interesting, would you just walk out on what without this would be a perfect relationship? I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do that.

I did wonder if the shock would make him stop or make him lie more. Or whether he just shrug and move on.

OP posts:
swiperfox · 04/05/2005 15:27

ld if the rest of your relationship is perfect then this isn't a reason to walk away - it needs serious discussion but don't lose everything because of it.

expatinscotland · 04/05/2005 15:30

Point is, your relationship is not without cocaine. It'd be 'perfect' if cocaine weren't there. But it is. And what's more, he's lying about usage. That could be for one of two reasons a) he's using more than he wants you to know about b) cokeheads are liars.

As someone who once lived with a substance abuser - and who was myself an alcoholic - yeah, I'd 'just walk out' on someone who was lying about using to me. Simple as that.

Enid · 04/05/2005 15:30

how often is recreational?

It does sound like he is addicted (even if it is just pyschological).

Make him lie about it! at least he'll have to try and curtail his behaviour.

Enid · 04/05/2005 15:31

I would find it hard to walk out on someone 'perfect' because of this.

Does he need more support from you in any area of life do you think?

Enid · 04/05/2005 15:35

I hope you are not who I think you might be

expatinscotland · 04/05/2005 15:35

Silly me, I once let a little thing like my partner's heroin usage ruin an otherwise 'perfect' relationship.

I lost everything, and gained sobriety, a family, and a future.

Iklboo · 04/05/2005 15:36

This is obviously from a drug rehab/awareness website, but it might be worth a read. You/he can't do the old "but that will never happen to me", yu just don't know. A good friend of mine had a seizure after using coke. He now needs 24 hr care. I'm not being preachy - I've never used, just know people who have and have heard both sides of their stories

eastcoastdrugrehab.com/cocaine_truths.php

Enid · 04/05/2005 15:40

expat I am sorry to hear about your ex partner.

but life isn't always as black and white and, I hate to say it, recreational cocaine usage isnt heroin.

I know plenty of people who take coke occasionally and my brother is a heroin addict and the difference is pretty marked.

Enid · 04/05/2005 15:42

Iklboo - good site but again crack cocaine is different to cocaine.

Sorry to be pedantic, but I am just trying not to make Lemon Drizzle feel even more desperate about her situation than she already is.

juniperdewdrop · 04/05/2005 15:46

Just wondering LD, has anything being said coloured your view, or changed your mind?

expatinscotland · 04/05/2005 15:46

Sorry, Enid, but I have to disagree with that entirely. ANY drug that can spiral out of control as quickly as coke or heroin - smoking it is quite popular in the States - is anything but 'recreational'. And yes, I have dated cocaine users as well. My ex-partner, btw, is now a neurosurgeon. He's actually a lot more 'high functioning' that most coke users I knew.

For me, anyone who has to lie about their drug use has a problem. Personally, and again this is just my experience, I felt I deserved better than having to wonder if he were lying about his using, even if that meant being on my own.

noddyholder · 04/05/2005 15:46

agree with expat addiction is addiction and that is coming from someone with experience aswell.There are no better drugs to be on ime my brother was a heroin addict and was no more deceptive than my ex dp who was a regular dope smoker and an occasional coke user

AngelCakeUmm · 04/05/2005 15:47

My dp is an ex heroin addict and heroin and crack cocaine are the 2 worst drugs, saying that dp started out with the dope, coke, pills and then went onto the the heroin and crack which he nearly died from he is very very lucky to be here today....but he went to rehab and now his life is far far from what it used to be back then.....you would not know his past was so bad to see him now he has come so far.

I would just becareful drugs are a very bad and addictive thing to be involved in and 1 can lead to another.

Enid · 04/05/2005 15:47

yes I sort of agree with you expat. actually I am so on the fence/dithery that I think I might leave this thread for a bit.

JoolsToo · 04/05/2005 15:51

I'm tending to agree with expat too but that's from someone with no experience of drugs so its easy for me to say - I'd be kind of scared though more for my children!

LD - I can't say anything useful but I hope you get a resolution sooner rather than later - I wouldn't like to be in your shoes.

You sound very grounded and sensible and I'm sure you'll make the right decisions whatever they may be - good luck.

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 16:22

Enid, I'm not sure if I am who you think. perhaps.

I think he is psychologically addicted. My arguement to him the other night was...

I am addicted to smoking. I don't smoke everyday I don't even smoke every week. I don't have to smoke when I know I have them in my bag. You're not addicted some might say but put me in a pub with a glass of wine in my hand and around other smokers and I can not say no. I am addicted to smoking.

He said he understood what I was saying but maintained he wasn't addicted because he didn't do it all the time. Perhaps I am just an idiot.

OP posts:
piffle · 04/05/2005 16:24

I'm not sure I've real knowledge to add to some of the really insightful comments made so far but one thing strikes me
Was he using this way when you got together, or is it a new development, if he was using it when you got together and you accepted it then, he would see it as an unreasonable goalpost change and resist to the end.
Personally I could not live with it, I've had a friend go from recreational party drugs to a £5k a week coke habit - he could afford it, was working the whole time BUT he started lying and deceiving his family in order to gain more money to buy more drugs.
Is the scenario you're worried about it spiralling into?
End of story is: He takes recreational cocaine, it's causing a problem with you both. It has to be sorted, either he compromises or you do, or you are affected enough to leave. Some men require ultimatums, but generally they're NOT a good idea unless you are fully prepared to deal the final cut.
It's not just about the drugs anymore it's about trust.
Not an easy one by any accounts Lemon

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 16:25

This has given me a lot of food for thought and has given a wide variety of opinions and thoughts (was hoping for that). I have a lot to digest and a lot of thinking.

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 16:29

piffle - he was using more when we were talking about getting back together. I made it clear that if he wanted to do that we needn't even bother. I said at that point, I would tolerate it under specific circumstances as I know his friends (and mine) use.

I was not happy about the compromise and I use the word tolerate for this reason.

I have met a lot of tossers in my time and believe he is one of the good ones. Perhaps I should say he was one of the good ones. I don't know at the moment

OP posts:
piffle · 04/05/2005 16:35

It might take professional counselling if he would agree...
To have someone objective to sit and listen and help you along your route.
It's fraught I know
Good luck and do let us know what happens
xx