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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

An affair with Cocaine - serious so please don't add to MN Cliches!

301 replies

LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 13:53

Yes I've changed my name, not because I don't want you to know who I am. It is quite easy to guess who I am from other threads. I'm not hiding but for obvious reasons I don't necessarily want this directly related back to me forever more. I know some of you will know what my other name is but please don't out me directly on this thread.

so over is the preword; on with the show

DP uses it recreationally. I can't stand the fact, it drives me mad but we came to a compromise because he is fantastic except for this (I honestly can not fault him other than this). I have tried to ignore it and under the conditions of the compromise it works. He is very affectionate and loving an honest when he is using.

It bothers me so much but for as long as he was telling me when and how much I could cope with it, even though I didn't like it.

Lately he has started lying to me about it, he says this is because I will get cross. Well yes I will but I'd still rather he be honest with me.

I blew up at the weekend told him as he had started lying I thought he had a problem. He said but I wasn't out with him that night and he only lied because he knew I'd be pissed off (he's right) what does it really matter.

Now, we are both very laid back people. Leaving him would absolutely be the last resort. What should I do? He hasn't offered to knock it on the head completely. I feel like it will drive us apart if he continues using. He says coke isn't more important than me but I feel if he says he is going to stop then he will just lie to me about doing it. I'd rather know the truth however bad than be lied to.

How would you feel if you were in my shoes and your dp/dh used it? what would you do? Just interested, I really don't want to leave him but wonder if I have no choice.

I am considering showing him this thread to show him other mums reactions.

sorry this is a ramble/rant whatever. Not sure it even makes sense but perhaps can unravel it a bit more through the thread. I dunno. Just interested in seeing what the general consensus is. Perhaps I'm unreasonable and old before my time, perhaps I am a killjoy. I don't know. Thoughts/input/opinions/rants/disapproval/approval/questions whatever enything please!

OP posts:
tiredemma · 06/06/2005 11:51

half a pill in his pocket last week and now this?
i also think he may be lying, my partner was the same, with a certain group of friends he felt the need to cane it whenever out with them.

came to head when he ended up having a bad panic attack and had to go to casualty to convice himself he wasnt having a heart attack. never been so embarrased in my whole life- A&E dept full of people with genuine injuries and here was this prat off his head.

Its extremly frustrating when someone who should be responsible behaves like an 18 year old, the only way he will be able to stop is by not going out with the same group of friends, they are unlikely to give up what they do just because he does.

my dp is not allowed out with the same group of friends because i know what they do and i know that the temptation will be too much for him to deal with.

batters · 06/06/2005 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WideWebWitch · 06/06/2005 11:58

Sorry to hear this lemondrizzle. You're the only person who can decide whether he was telling the truth or not though, you know him, we don't. Good luck.

gaelsgirl · 06/06/2005 12:02

i have to say i wouldn't believe him either at this point, am so sorry you are going through this

MistressMary · 06/06/2005 12:06

LemonDrizzle you have been robbed of trust for him, by his actions and you have every right to question every movement he makes.
If he really wants to get through this then support him and counselling even, but you have to tell him that you are going to have to learn to trust him all over again and that by his actions now, that can either happen or it is a lost thing alltogether.

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 06/06/2005 12:06

I used to think I could tell when he was lying but now I have no idea. If he's been lying all along then I relly don't know.

I don't think I have a choice but to call it a day. It's so hard cos it's not really what I want, everyone will be so disappointed in me as well so will have no support.

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 06/06/2005 12:12

Ld, I don't see why anyone should be disappointed in you, you haven't done anything wrong and it's NOT your fault!

MistressMary · 06/06/2005 12:12

No! you cannot be diasspointed in you.
He has badly let you down and you need to clear your head and I really think getting out is the thing that will decide for him if he believes in your relationship or his other relationship more.

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 06/06/2005 12:13

Just had an email 'pat on the back' for some work I've done and can feel the tears burnning the back of my eyes. I have to meet with my boss late who was CC'd on this mail - I know he will bring it up and be really nice about it and I really don't think I'm going to be able to hold it together - what am I going to do?

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 06/06/2005 12:15

sorry posts crossed.

You don't understand - he's like a golden boy and I'm the hard-faced bitch that left him broken hearted, had a baby with someone else then clicked my fingers when I wanted him back. (That's what I will be perceived as anyway)

My parents will be disappointed in me for dumping him as he's wonderful in evry other aspect.

OP posts:
binkie · 06/06/2005 12:17

Lemondrizzle, just found this and am in awe of your strength (and hub2dee's wisdom, incidentally)

Does calling it a day have to be final? - in that, can you separate on the understanding that if & when he grows up too, you may both try to make a go of it again?

I know from surprisingly close experience that people really can turn themselves around sometimes - but as others have said, they've got to do it by themselves, for themselves. So maybe separation, and for an indefinite time, is the right way to go for you both now; but it doesn't have to be for ever?

MistressMary · 06/06/2005 12:17

Time out?
Rather then full on dumping?

WideWebWitch · 06/06/2005 12:19

You are going to tell yourself that this HAS to go on the back burner for later and that if you are going to cry you're just going to save it until you've finished work. Pretend you're ok hard enough and you will be, at least until after work.

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 06/06/2005 13:12

just bumped into him in corridor so had our chat early. mentioend it but not to any great length - we normally have real in-depth chats but not today. I think he could see I wasn't myself, he commented on the fact that my walk was different (I normally walk with a purpose so to speak but today was just wandering along the corridor to the furthest coffee machine from my office) also have no make up on and unwashed hair tied back. Didn't cry though so one hurdle over and done with.

Now just need to stop thinking about it enough to focus on work instead of get lost in thought and MN-ing

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 06/06/2005 14:50

Been in meetings, got back to desk and no responses since my text asking 'What am I supposed to think?'

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 06/06/2005 14:51

Must also add I wanty to believe him so badly.. You would think that my desperation to think he was telling the truth would blind me but it doesn't - how much should I read into that?! does that mean in the bottom of my heart I know it's all lies??

OP posts:
robinia · 06/06/2005 15:02

Might he be trying really hard but not able to? If he's addicted he's addicted and will need professional help to get himself sorted out. He says he doesn't want to lose you so he should do something about it by getting help with his addiction.

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 06/06/2005 15:10

he swears he is not addicted, he would never ever go to therapy and besides he doesn't want to stop, he's stopping (or not as the case may be) because I want him to.. he really doesn't see why I have a problem.

OP posts:
MistressMary · 06/06/2005 15:14

Sorry then I'm afraid you have a battle, I think.

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 06/06/2005 15:23

I've no fight left, I've given up and am now just getting through the day so I can curl up at home worn from battle - they'll be no regrouping, I shall just nurse my wounds and move on. I know I'm being flippant, it's just my way. I don't know what he can do to repair this.

OP posts:
robinia · 06/06/2005 15:29

Then, unless he can be persuaded to seek help, you will at some point be making a decision as to whether his behaviour is acceptable to you. Only you can make that decision.

Mentioned a while back was some sort of separation. This would give him and you an opportunity to decide what was more important, the drugs or the relationship.

Also the one month temporary "no drugs" period. If he wants to prove that he's not addicted then this would be a way - but could he be trusted to not lie about this? - probably not.

From what you say he's been like in the last few days, I suspect he's realised that he doesn't want to or can't live without it. He needs to come to his own decision to seek help though and that is a big step.

robinia · 06/06/2005 15:31

"I shall just nurse my wounds and move on" -
I think that is probably all that you can do - unless he wants to change there is nothing you can do except look after your own (and dd's) interests as best you can.

MistressMary · 06/06/2005 15:32

I second that.

MeerkatsUnite · 06/06/2005 16:31

Hi Lemondrizzle,

I would echo Robinia's response.

If he does not think that he has a problem then no one, not even you, can help him. You may have to also consider the possibility that he may not want to give narcotics up at all and you cannot save someone who may not want to be saved. He will have to lose absolutely everything and hit rock bottom. Even then he may continue to use.

Nurse your wounds certainly. Your primary concern now apart from your good self is your daughter. You cannot save him from himself and if you try he will drag you both down with him.

noddyholder · 06/06/2005 16:37

he probably doesn't have a problem as such and just wants to keep up this recreational use but if you don't like it that's it He will eventually stop It is whether or not you can ride this out til he does