An affair with Cocaine - serious so please don't add to MN Cliches!

[LemonDrizzle]

Yes I've changed my name, not because I don't want you to know who I am. It is quite easy to guess who I am from other threads. I'm not hiding but for obvious reasons I don't necessarily want this directly related back to me forever more. I know some of you will know what my other name is but please don't out me directly on this thread.

so over is the preword; on with the show

DP uses it recreationally. I can't stand the fact, it drives me mad but we came to a compromise because he is fantastic except for this (I honestly can not fault him other than this). I have tried to ignore it and under the conditions of the compromise it works. He is very affectionate and loving an honest when he is using.

It bothers me so much but for as long as he was telling me when and how much I could cope with it, even though I didn't like it.

Lately he has started lying to me about it, he says this is because I will get cross. Well yes I will but I'd still rather he be honest with me.

I blew up at the weekend told him as he had started lying I thought he had a problem. He said but I wasn't out with him that night and he only lied because he knew I'd be pissed off (he's right) what does it really matter.

Now, we are both very laid back people. Leaving him would absolutely be the last resort. What should I do? He hasn't offered to knock it on the head completely. I feel like it will drive us apart if he continues using. He says coke isn't more important than me but I feel if he says he is going to stop then he will just lie to me about doing it. I'd rather know the truth however bad than be lied to.

How would you feel if you were in my shoes and your dp/dh used it? what would you do? Just interested, I really don't want to leave him but wonder if I have no choice.

I am considering showing him this thread to show him other mums reactions.

sorry this is a ramble/rant whatever. Not sure it even makes sense but perhaps can unravel it a bit more through the thread. I dunno. Just interested in seeing what the general consensus is. Perhaps I'm unreasonable and old before my time, perhaps I am a killjoy. I don't know. Thoughts/input/opinions/rants/disapproval/approval/questions whatever enything please!

Thank everyone so far - this is really helping. It's helping me think about things froma lot of different angles. I think it also might help me to be able to discuss it without getting angry. I appreciate all of your comments so much

well I think just tell him. when he's off out next weekend. just say 'you understand he fancies a bit of the party sparkle and thats ok' when he gets back 'be light hearted about it' from my experience it can bring some interestingness to the bedroom department. but sometimes a bit of a let down too non?

lol understand. I thought your post was great actually.

he doesn't smoke, I won't be encouraging it either

I have tried that FLUM.

What exactly is he lying about? Use of it? Money he spends? Frequency of use?

I am not into drugs but I do not subscribe to the kneejerk reaction that all drugs are bad,bad,bad.
Is it better to spend £10 on Coke occasionally or £25 a week on wine? (Which certainly is about what we spend.)

Having said tghat, a member of my extended family smokes a lot of dope which drives his wife mad, primarily because he perceives it as an escape from stress,she perceives it as an escape from her.
He doesn't drink either!

oh. umm dunno then. sorry.

he might grow out of it.

Message withdrawn

My honest thought is, It will probably end up ruining what you have between you!
Coke is a very addictive substance like any drug really.
The lieing will probably become more and more and he will probably use more and more.

I would be very very careful thats all i can say really.
I do really feel for you and i hope you work things out.

ermm you need to spend more than 10 quid coke is a very expensive drug !

RnB - we had an agreement, the lies are outside the agreed circumstances.

His money is not my concern, we do not live together. He just stays at mine every night. I pay my bills, he doesn't have any bills.

I really have no say over what he chooses to spend his money on. Money is not really a concern to him either.

He is very generous towards me and dd - I definitely can not use that as part of my dislike.

sorry that doesn't really read in the way I meant it.

I just meant, I can't say aything about his expenditure on anything. It's not really my business.

Sorry, this took me a while to type and the convo moved on a tad, but nonetheless I'll hit the 'post' key.

"My take is her and her dps use is none of my concern" (Lemon Drizzle)

"We are each others partners not each others mothers or consciences." (FLUM)

Hi LemonDrizzle, I think it is your concern for a couple of reasons: (1) erm... you have made this post, so it obviously does concern you - in the sense that it affects you and (2) It does concern you - in the sense that it worries you - because you fear an escalation, and an impact on your relationship with him and your family. FWIW, I think you are right to be concerned.

Hi FLUM, I think you are referring specifically to soft recreational drugs, so I can understand your posts and POV, but I am not sure I agree either. You say "I don't judge him because I wouldn't want him to judge me," but isn't this impossible to avoid in a relationship ? If we were to talk about something else for a moment - like driving too fast, or too aggressively, or flirting with mates a bit too much.... you'd make a judgement on that, right ? (Not saying you'd communicate it to him, or react on it, or that the behaviours are right or wrong, but you'd judge them nonetheless and create an internal 'view' of how right or wrong a given behaviour is)...

You also mention "I think it is acceptable for people to do things their partner may not approve of. You are both adults and your differences should be celebrated." again, it depends on context doesn't it ? LemonDrizzle's partner is doing something which is causing her enough anxiety / frustration / fear that she is contemplating having a major barney / possible bust up etc. etc. she doesn't sound like she particularly feels like celebrating the difference in their attitude to ongoing cocaine use nor the lies that he is telling her about it.

nor does that. bollocks!

dh used cocaine once and had a very bad experience - amnesia for about 4 days, behaved v oddly. spoke to a gp friend about this recently and he thinks dh may have had a mild stroke/TIA and long-term use is definitely not without its risks. posting here has shown you are bothered by this and it's affecting how you feel about this man. i finished a relationship with a much younger man - years back - mainly because his drug use, which he thought "fun" was for me very very boring, as life for him just wasn't "enough" without a whole catalogue of drugs to keep him interested, ie he'd become addicted.

Hub2dee wow. Am a bit speechless. the comment of mine that you quote refers to my best friend and her partner. Imho I can not influence what they do and for me to try would only end in me loosing a very valued friend. Their use doesn't directly affect me. It is their choice and I can not control that, they are not part of my relationship/family whateve it is called.

My concern is for my relationship but more so than that my concern is for a man I love very deeply.

If your lives are that separate i don't really think it will be easy for you to lay down rules It would be different if you relied on him financially or with your daughter maybe you can hang on for now and maybe push the issue more if you decide to take your relationship further ie moving in together or having kids of your own Also don't feel he may become an addict if you leave him that is his responsibility not yours

Drizz !!!!!! Sh*t. I read the damned text wrong !!!!!!!

Sorry !

Thought you'd written mine and my partners....

Derrrrhhhh..

Sorry, flaky brain at the mo.

he also uses pills sometimes when clubbing but I loathe to see people on pills. their gurning makes me feel very violent towards then. it is disgusting, annoying and very unattractive.

People who talk crap at me when on drugs really f*cks me off. To the degree that I avoid my best friend when she is using because it makes me want to punch her in the face! she turns into a complete twat and is, quite frankly, embarassing and annoying. sorry don't really know where that rant came from but I'm going to post it anyway

fairymuff hub2dee. guess i would judge but not voice judgement, or rather not police behaviour/

Wow. What a msitake. Please don't be speachless, I misunderstood your text !!!! I thought you were expressing guilt / confusion at your feeling, IYSWIM !

even speechless

reading this again I think you have grown up and moved on and he hasn't it is as simple as that Maybe you are ready to move on from him too there is nothing wrong in admitting that.I must admit my clubbing/drugs days ended yrs ago and I too find people on drugs so boring now where I probably found them hilarious when i was going out too.Sometimes the time has just passed

LD.yes....
An excess of anything is deeply unattractive isn't it?
I think your relatively separate lives make things quite difficult.
Could you not just use the 'please desist because I don't like it' line?

hub2dee - don't worry! easily done.