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Original poster

Does my exdp have the right to take my ds's out of the country if i say no???

133 replies

fifisboys · 13/05/2009 09:39

Just to keep this brief..split up with dp recently and he is on about taking the ds's away for 2 weeks with his new girlfriend.

My ds's are only 3 and 16 month and i would not be comfortable with him taking them away from me for that long..he used to struggle to have them for the day when i was at work and has never had them on there own overnight even when we were together.

Am i within my rights to say no to this?

Thanks

OP posts:
dollius · 13/05/2009 09:44

I am not a lawyer, hopefully someone will come along who can tell you the precise law, but I believe he can't take them out of the country without the consent of everyone with parental responsibility - and that, presumably, would be you.

Two weeks does sound a long time for such small children. You will have to judge in on how the boys might feel about it - would it be too much of a schock to suddenly spent that much time apart from you?

blondissimo · 13/05/2009 09:48

Agree with dollius, you need to give consent - also do they have passports? Obviously he would need them and I don't think that there is any law that says you have to give him the passports. They seem quite young to be going off abroad for two weeks with ex p and new girlfriend. I would be a nervous wreck if I was to let mine go.
Also why is it that he suddenly wants to take them away when he has not even had them overnight?
I think you are perfectly within your rights to say no.

2rebecca · 13/05/2009 09:52

I live in Scotland and he wouldn't be able to take them out of the UK but could take them to England, so depends on what you mean by out of the country.
Generally I think dads get a rough deal re access, but here I think it's too big a jump from day visit to a whole week even if he was just staying at home with them.
I'd go fro overnight stays and weekends first. Eventually he'll probably be having them for at least a week in the school holidays anyway if he's a good dad.
I'd suggest he just goes away with the gf for 2 weeks and enjoys an adult holiday then has the kids alternate weekends on his return.

Original poster
fifisboys · 13/05/2009 09:53

Thanks for the replies..

Yes they do have passports which i have and will not give him.

I think its stemmed from the fact that we have a holiday booked for next month that he was due to come on with us. Since he now has a new girlfriend he doesnt want to come with us so im changing his name and my friend is coming with her dd, and he now thinks that because he is missing out on that he will take them with his new gf.

OP posts:
Original poster
fifisboys · 13/05/2009 09:55

Re access as well...since we have split he has seen them most days both at my house where he puts them to bed and he has occasionally took them out for a couple of hours..by out of the country i mean spain etc..

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 13/05/2009 09:56

how long hAS he been with his girlfriend? would imagine he will be leaving her to do the majority of childcare if he's not been used to having them often!

Original poster
fifisboys · 13/05/2009 10:01

He has only been with her about a month but has known her for a long time..

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 13/05/2009 10:05

I would want them to be familiar with the gf before they stayed in her care for any lenght of time. Do they know her? do you know if she has any experience with looking after babies?

Two weeks is far far too long at their age. Sounds like he's paying tit for tat anyway - does he realise how much work and how little freedom they would have?

SusieDerkins · 13/05/2009 10:09

I'm guessing she doesn't have kids of her own. Perhaps they can take the dc away for a weekend to begin with. A weekend with 2 very young children will show them how much hard work 2 weeks will be and I'm willing to be they won't suggest it again..!

idranktheteaatwork · 13/05/2009 10:15

So you are taking them on holiday abroad but you don't think he should be allowed the same?
Of course he thinks he is missing out, he was looking forward to spending quality time with his children on holiday, you are now assuming you can prevent him from doing so.

I assume you were living together before you split so he will know his own children and not be a danger to them? He will be perfectly capable of looking after them day to day and feeding/clothing/putting them to be etc.

Regardless of whether or not you are together/he has a new partner he is still his childrens father and is equally as important in their lives.
Witholding your permission to let him have some quality time with your children will ultimately only hurt the children.

GypsyMoth · 13/05/2009 10:15

i would want to see a strong,commited relationship between them before i'd even consider a stranger being around my kids!!

but before that,he needs to spend time with his kids alone!! he needs to develop his own coping strategies independently well before he introduces a third party to these poor bewildered kids!!

mrsboogie · 13/05/2009 10:20

By the OP's own admission she does the majority of the childcare and he struggles on his own. Also the OP is not bring in them on holiday with a new partner who wil be expected to help look after them.

Either parent with a new partner should wait until the relationship is well established before introducing their kids to them. Especially before going on holiday which is gong to be a strange situation anyway for two young babies.

Original poster
fifisboys · 13/05/2009 10:20

no..i dont think they would come to any danger and im not using the kids against him..

Yes i am taking the kids on our pre-arranged holiday..he has chose not to come we could have still took them together as we do still get on but he has said he didnt want to leave the new gf.

No the kids have never met her, he is taking them to see her at the weekend but the holiday they are talking about is in july..im just not at all happy about it and my kids have never been away from me for more than one night and that was when they were with my mum so its only natural for me to not want them to go.

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 13/05/2009 10:24

I think you are perfectly within your rights OP.

mrsjammi · 13/05/2009 10:26

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spicemonster · 13/05/2009 10:27

They've never even stayed with him overnight and he wants to take them away for 2 weeks? I don't think so.

idranktheteaatwork · 13/05/2009 10:30

They've never even stayed with him overnight??? So where the fuck did they sleep when he lived with the op then?

A parent with PR can take a child on holiday for up to 28 days.

mrsjammi · 13/05/2009 10:31

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Surfermum · 13/05/2009 10:34

I can see why you are anxious about it if he isn't used to having them on his own for long periods. Why don't you agree in principle provided he can build up having them for longer periods of time and for overnight and then weekends, so that they get used to being with him for longer and away from you for longer and they can get to know his girlfriend.

A flat no will just be inflammatory and that won't help anyone. And he will be seeing it as you feeling like you can do what you like and take them where you like, but you aren't allowing him to do the same, and he will see that as unfair.

What do you know about his girlfriend? It might be that she is a good influence on him and great with your children, so you'd have less to worry about. Have you met her?

spicemonster · 13/05/2009 10:43

Do you not think it's a bit odd to take them away for 2 weeks when they've never stayed with him overnight (without their mother)? Seems rather a leap. I think mrsjammi and Iate you're being a bit disingenuous here - you know perfectly well what I mean.

And there is a difference between looking after your children overnight when their mother is in the house and when she isn't. Witness that Nick Duerden bloke!

spicemonster · 13/05/2009 10:49

Oh, have just realised holiday isn't until July. I agree with surfermum actually - I think it's about bulding up to it slowly.

OP I presume the reason he hasn't had them to stay overnight so far is because he hasn't wanted to rather than you've not allowed them to stay ...

mayorquimby · 13/05/2009 10:49

if you need consent from all people with parental responsibility, does that mean the father has the right to object to the op's holiday? if he does have the right he will most likely exercise it if the op does the same with regards his holiday.

fwiw i hope he does have the right to take his children on holiday and can't believe the op thinks it's ok for her to take their children on holiday but is trying to prevent their father doing the same

mrsjammi · 13/05/2009 10:50

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spicemonster · 13/05/2009 10:55

Woah mrsjammi - I think you're projecting rather a lot there. You don't know that the OP is preventing her ex from seeing her children outside the home. In fact she's said that he's taking them to meet the new gf this weekend so clearly that isn't the case.

I think your DH's situation sounds crap and I feel very sorry for him and his DD but I think you're making a bit of a leap by assuming this is a similar situation

idranktheteaatwork · 13/05/2009 10:55

The father does have the right to object, he can apply for a prohibited steps order to prevent the op's holiday if he felt that strongly about it.

Spicemonster, i am not being disingenous.
Why would you have children with someone but them decide that they are incapable of looking after their children just because you have split up?
I do not understand why the father would need to prove himself worthy of looking after and spending quality time with his children when he lived with them from day one, the split is recent and he has seen them almost every day.
That Nick bloke is a shit example.

There is no history of abuse here, nothing to cause concern, simply an overprotective mother who is of the opinion that she has more of a right to spend quality time with the children than their other equally important father.