Does my exdp have the right to take my ds's out of the country if i say no???

[fifisboys]

Just to keep this brief..split up with dp recently and he is on about taking the ds's away for 2 weeks with his new girlfriend.

My ds's are only 3 and 16 month and i would not be comfortable with him taking them away from me for that long..he used to struggle to have them for the day when i was at work and has never had them on there own overnight even when we were together.

Am i within my rights to say no to this?

Thanks

[2rebecca]

I agree with Mrs jammi's sentiments generally but am not impressed by him letting the kids down at the last minute re having them overnight. I think if he was serious about wanting the kids for a summer holiday then he'd be jumping at the chance to have them overnight. It sounds as though he needs to gradually build up to having them for 2 weeks if he's being wimpy about overnight stays.
After my ex and I split I put no restrictions on how long he could have the kids for and school holidays are split 50:50, but then whilst we were married I'd sometimes gone away for the weekend and he'd had the kids and he was very much a hands on dad.

[Blu]

Rather than arguing about who is unreasonable, and who has what rights, perhaps it would help to approach a little more 'catchee monkey'.

It does sound as if he hasn't had much experience, or confidence, and I wonder whether the gf REALLY wants to go on hol with two small children.

tell him you think it will be really nice this sumer if he has lots of fun times and weekends with the children, but are you sure he wouldn't rather you have them (sigh...what amartyr you are ) three weekends in a row, so hat he can go on his first hol with new gf without the kids...after all, if they take the kids, they won't be able to go out in the evenings, won't be able to get drunk, won't be able to go to sleep sunbathing by the pool as they will have to watch the children - every minute.

It's genuinely very hard work having a toddler by a pool. With a little thought, I bet his gf will object!

Then, spend some time geting him to be more confident and practiced at looking after his children so that he can be more involved, give you some time for socialising...and so that they are not in the centre of this kind of dilemma again.

[Surfermum]

[fifisboys]

at how it 'it' respond as well...just noticed that..

I do hope we can be civil..tbh we have been apart from this issue.
I have spoke to him just before to sort out when he is coming to see them this week and i have asked him if he wants to come and get the kids on friday when he gets in from work and maybe bring them back sunday morning..which he said he would so we will see if it happens or not.
I think that if he can have them weekends or whenever and shows that he can manage then i will consire letting him take them away for a few days, possibly a week at the most, but it wont be this summer, and it wont be for 2 weeks i think this needs to be done gradually.

[jellybeans]

at 'How did it respond ?'

[blondissimo]

I think if he had them every second weekend for at least 6 months, and was coping well and confident then I would maybe sway towards letting him have them for a week say? But if he is not prepared to have them for the weekend then he cannot expect that you will let him take them away for 2 weeks abroad. I am guessing that this has all been a bit of a rash statement from him, and that he knows fine well that he could not cope for two weeks! I expect he did it just to be awkward. I hope things work out and you can all be civil towards each other. I have seen first hand through my parents divorce and my dp's, that animosity only makes a horrible situation even worse.

[Surfermum]

I bet he knows that actually it's him being unreasonable - hence him trying to say you are. He probably knows full well that if he had to take them to your mums at the weekend, then you are right in wondering how he will cope for a fortnight abroad. But it's easier to make out you are the bad guy, so instead of saying to people "I'd never cope with them for a fortnight" he can say "she won't let me" ... then he gets the sympathy vote.

[fifisboys]

He just said he thought i was being unreasonable....but given what happened at the weekend i think i have every right to be.
I agree the girlfriend is not really an issue in all of this, its the fact that my babies will be in a different country for 2 weeks without me, which would be unsettling, like i said they have never been away from me. I am going to stick to my guns and still suggest the overnights and weekend stays for now, but i cant see him taking them away anytime soon.

[Surfermum]

He's not exactly helping his cause is he? How did it respond to what you said fifi?

And I agree about the new girlfriend not necessarily being a concern. I was childless when I met dd (then aged 4) but I was well aware of what the need for suncream, and the dangers of swimming pools - I'd been a volunteer lifeguard for about 20 years! I was perfectly capable of looking after her and understanding her needs, and had the resources to find out about what I didn't know either by reading up about it or asking friends and relatives for advice.

[fifisboys]

Thanks for all the replies on here....

Firstly, i have briefy spoke to exdp about this over the weekend and told him the reasons why i dont want him to have the kids away for that long.
I know that he will take care of them but the main issue for me is that he has never had them on his own for more than about 8 hours and i have never left them for longer than overnight with our parents so i dont know how the kids would be if we were apart for that long.
Secondly, exdp was supposed to have the kids overnight on saturday and he openly admitted that he didnt feel like he could have them so he dropped them off at my mams house because i was out, which has kind of confirmed for me that he is not ready for such a big responsibility to take them away.

I am happy for him to have them overnight, maybe even for a weekend but certainly not for such a long length of time in a foregin country.

[jellybeans]

Not read all thread but I agree with OP, I wouldn't want my little kids in another country for such a long time, even with their dad, older kids great, babies no. Yes dads are very important but often babies are more 'bonded' with their mum, breastfeeding etc. There is a difference between stopping contact out of bitterness and not wanting your kids in another country at a tiny age. The OP sounds perefctly reasonable.

[JoPie]

no, you missed my point. I did not mean that your opinion puts you in a minority, or that your opinion was wrong. What I have been trying to point out to you is that not all fathers are as capable as your and mine partners, and that merely being a father of children does not make you capable of caring for them for 2 full weeks.
You don't get automtic abilities just because you love the children. The same point applies to mothers, grandparents, friends, and new girlfriends of fathers.
Some people, including some fathers, would have a distinctly questionable ability to adequately care for their children properly. Any parent or caregiver who is not sure of any persons ability to provide a reasonable level of care to their children as both the right and the responsibility to deny them the request. And if that includes their own father at that point, thats sad, but no less reasonable a point.

[Janos]

Urgh, sorry, what is up with my typing!

I mean to say given her circumstances.

fifisboys just realised I talked about you in third person. Sorry if that came across as rude, not meant to.

[Janos]

Sorry, missed a bit off the second last paragraph.

I wanted to say that maybe the OP's concerns are justified and perhaps we could all think about that rather than just making assumptions?

Given circumstancher es she sounds very reasonable and accommodating in facilitating access when many people (mums or dads) wouldn't be.

[Janos]

I think the OP has come in for a lot of completely unjustified stick here.

It's a very emotive issue and people have very strong feelings about it which is totally understandable.

I've read through and can't see anywhere where OP has tried to stop her XH seeing their DC. All she's done is ask whether it's a good idea for them to be going away on holiday with XH and his new girlfriend and said she feels uncomfortable about it and doesn't want them to go.

It really is all about context and the individuals concerned. As JoPie says some men would be capable, some wouldn't.

[JoPie]

You do realise that other people are not exactly the same as you though, mrs jammi?

[blondissimo]

Very unfair to suggest the girlfriend would not be capable of looking after the children. Before I had my ds, I helped to look after my dp's dd and I had enough common sense to know that she should always be kept an eye on, plastered in suncream, reapplied, fed at correct times, bed at set time etc. In fact, and I know my dp would agree with me here, I think I probably did a lot more of the hands on childcare than he did. He has always looked after dd overnight since she was 18 months old and perfectly capable, but says it became easier when I came along. Not fair to assume she is incapable.
I do think though, that if the split was very recent and they haven't spent lots of time/ overnight with dad/gf then this needs to be introduced before they go away for such a long time.